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Original poster

Huge argument... I don't know if I was being unreasonable.

131 replies

NamechangeoutedbyMIL · 31/12/2019 12:52

I'll start off by saying that I recently went back on hormonal contraception and it's made me incredibly grumpy... I just don't feel myself.

Anyway, last night, DPs friend knocked in the door and delivered a parry invite. DP was in the bath so I went to the door, thanked friend for the invite etc.

When I got inside, opened the invite and saw it was just addressed to DP and not me. There was a cutesy note alongside basically saying to keep costs down, there were no plus ones.

This immediately pissed me off. We invited this friend, his plus one and his parents to our engagement party (at DPs request, he spent a lot of time with this friend and his family in his teen years). They all came and ate, drank etc at my expense. I just thought it was incredibly rude to come to the house where I live with an invite to a party that I'm not invited too?

Anyway, DP agreed it was pretty rude but he was going to go anyway because he didn't want to miss his friends party.

Then I remembered that another of his friends has a party shortly after out engagement party that I was invited too, but DP told me he would rather go alone.

So in my anger last night, I said it seemed like I was good enough to pay for everyone to come to our party but not good enough to attend any parties with him.

This then escalated into an argument that after 8 years together, I barely know any of his friends other than to say hello too and at our wedding, there's going to be 70 off people there I barely even know. Again, that I am paying the bulk of.

I don't understand his insistence to keep me and his friends separate?

I asked him and he said that it was bevause he "can relax and be himself" when I'm not there to which I replied saying I found that to be a concerning statement and so who is he when he's with me if he is himself when he's alone with them?

I'm still mad this morning, he slept in the living room last night.

I don't even know what the point of this is, I just need to get it off my chest I think.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/12/2019 13:20

"Whatever you are to him isn’t as important as his friends are".

This from WireBrushandDettol hits the nail on the head here.

I would also think he is still mightily resentful at the fact he now earns far less than you and is also having to retrain at the same time. This has put the power and control balance in your relationship more in your favour and his nose has been well and truly put out of joint. His actions now re his friends I feel are a passive agressive protest against you directly.

What will married life be like with this man?. Have you ever given that question any thought?. Such men do not change.

WhatToDo122 · 31/12/2019 13:22

But he can choose to put you first and not go

Hmm not sure if I agree with this.

If the friend has disallowed +1s across the board because of finance issues then they just cannot afford it and it's not their fault. I do not think in this instance DP should not go just because you're not invited. That's just cruel.

If you're not allowed to go but everyone else is taking a +1 then that's a different situation and I can understand why you're annoyed completely.

Do you know whether other invites are taking +1s?

HaileySherman · 31/12/2019 13:23

Oof, I don't think your birth control can be blamed for your DP being an arsehole. The idea that he "can relax and be himself" only when you aren't around doesn't bode well for your future happiness (unless, of course, you feel the same, but it seems you don't). I would rethink marrying this guy. I think you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of feeling like the outsider looking in whenever your DP is with other people. Myself, I would be happy. I feel like it should be you two as a unit, with others looking in.

From experience, I was not happy. I was always the outsider with my husband and his friends and family. I eventually just stopped caring and tuned it out, but I think I would have been happier if I felt likd the msin person in his life. I wish you luck

fedup21 · 31/12/2019 13:23

He is using your money to bankroll his lifestyle.

Don’t marry this man.

Original poster
NamechangeoutedbyMIL · 31/12/2019 13:27

I don't know about any other plus ones but to be honest, not one of his friends are in relationships so they wouldn't have had one anyway.

I think it all boils down too, are we a team or are we not? Or are we only a team when it suits him which is what it feels like.

OP posts:
WhatToDo122 · 31/12/2019 13:29

@NamechangeoutedbyMIL

I agree with you. My last relationship ended because I felt like he never put me as a priority in the end. You are supposed to be a team.

user1471449295 · 31/12/2019 13:31

I wouldn’t marry him OP. You aren’t his priority.

IHateBlueLights · 31/12/2019 13:32

Don't marry him, OP. He has no respect for you.

ThanosSavedMe · 31/12/2019 13:35

Doesn’t seem like he’s kind and thoughtful to me.

TwentyViginti · 31/12/2019 13:36

So you are bankrolling his life? Seems he want the comforts of a live in partner while living a bachelor life without you there cramping his style.

I would think long and hard about this marriage you're paying for.

ohwheniknow · 31/12/2019 13:36

Or are we only a team when it suits him which is what it feels like.

It's what it looks like.

AlexaAmbidextra · 31/12/2019 13:39

I think it all boils down too, are we a team or are we not?

Well, he obviously wants you to be a team when you’re financially supporting him. I’d give him the elbow tbh.

thickwoollytights · 31/12/2019 13:44

In the end I'm not sure it matters if any other plus 1's are invited

He's leaving you out every time and his reasoning for leaving you out is selfish and really childish

Also you're bankrolling him and I hear that this was discussed thoroughly - but again, a disparity in the relationship, with you being the 'adult' and paying the bills

I was not invited to my (now ex partners) 40th party as he felt he'd be stressed with me there (huge back story and I'm sure he would have been stressed)

I ended the relationship the day after his party and I'm so glad I did

Freedom from his funny little ways - which weren't funny and definitely weren't little Confused

anothermamaa · 31/12/2019 13:48

This would be a bit of a dealbreaker for me OP. I had a bf like this once and he had some very strange ideas about women needing to be "looked after" . He never wanted to go out and about with me because he couldn't "relax" exactly like you're DP. It was freaking weird and boring and needless to say he's an ex. It actually felt very sexist to me in that situation (which maybe doesn't apply here)

Current DP doesn't particularly want to go to parties unless I'm going too which feels much more natural (unless it's much needed catch up with a friend / a stag do or something) . We're a team and we love to do things together. If you want someone who is you're best friend and teammate I would consider finding someone else.

anothermamaa · 31/12/2019 13:50

Ps your birth control definitely ISN'T to blame and what you're feeling is totally reasonable

Louise91417 · 31/12/2019 13:56

Hes an arsehole..either you are s partnership or not..you dont get to bin your partner because you want to behave like an immature prickHmm

Bookiewook · 31/12/2019 13:56

This is sad OP. Marriage is at least 50% friendship and he doesn’t seem to want you as a friend. I would give some careful thought to the relationship if I were you before going ahead with the wedding. Don’t blame your contraception it doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything wrong and his friends sound like knobs too.

milienhaus · 31/12/2019 13:57

Feasibly you’re turn it around he could be embarrassed of his friends and think you’ll think less of him if you hang out with them?

I don’t think it’s completely UR to want time with just friends and no partners sometimes, but all the time to the extent that you haven’t met them / don’t know them well is very odd.

squigglybook · 31/12/2019 14:01

I knew a guy at work like this and vaguely knew his girlfriend too. He was wild - lied to her about cheating, drinking and taking drugs and pretended to her face he was calm and dependable, that he was someone else entirely. It was embarrassing as she thought he was someone completely different and everyone knew this. Everyone was somehow ‘in’ on keeping up the facade.

I don’t know them anymore but can see on FB they got married. She’s always posting stuff about how perfect he is but I’m sure he’s still at it behind her back. I always think poor woman - there must be lots of people thinking the same.

Do you think he asked his friend to do this on purpose?

81Byerley · 31/12/2019 14:18

BIG red flag. Think twice about marriage.

Sushiroller · 31/12/2019 14:29

Marrying this man is a massive, massive mistake.

Lost12 · 31/12/2019 14:32

My partner is similar and you do start to question if there is something wrong with you. It sounds horrible. Definitely not your birth control making you feel like this. In all the years I have been with my partner I have met their best friend once- this is the person they talk to daily and is the person that they go to for support. I find it very unusual that I do not know this person at all!
Just wanted to say I know how much this hurts.

YappityYapYap · 31/12/2019 14:43

You aren't being unreasonable OP. 8 years together and a wedding on the cards and his mate is inviting just him? I wonder if he asked his mate to do this

RLEOM · 31/12/2019 14:47

Doesn't sound like a great man to marry! If you're not his priority now, you never will be.

YappityYapYap · 31/12/2019 14:48

Also, finances for a house party? 😂. Everyone brings a bottle and how much does it cost to stick out an extra pizza, peanuts and a packet of crisps? They're all having you on OP and I'm sorry