Huge argument... I don't know if I was being unreasonable.

[NamechangeoutedbyMIL]

I'll start off by saying that I recently went back on hormonal contraception and it's made me incredibly grumpy... I just don't feel myself.

Anyway, last night, DPs friend knocked in the door and delivered a parry invite. DP was in the bath so I went to the door, thanked friend for the invite etc.

When I got inside, opened the invite and saw it was just addressed to DP and not me. There was a cutesy note alongside basically saying to keep costs down, there were no plus ones.

This immediately pissed me off. We invited this friend, his plus one and his parents to our engagement party (at DPs request, he spent a lot of time with this friend and his family in his teen years). They all came and ate, drank etc at my expense. I just thought it was incredibly rude to come to the house where I live with an invite to a party that I'm not invited too?

Anyway, DP agreed it was pretty rude but he was going to go anyway because he didn't want to miss his friends party.

Then I remembered that another of his friends has a party shortly after out engagement party that I was invited too, but DP told me he would rather go alone.

So in my anger last night, I said it seemed like I was good enough to pay for everyone to come to our party but not good enough to attend any parties with him.

This then escalated into an argument that after 8 years together, I barely know any of his friends other than to say hello too and at our wedding, there's going to be 70 off people there I barely even know. Again, that I am paying the bulk of.

I don't understand his insistence to keep me and his friends separate?

I asked him and he said that it was bevause he "can relax and be himself" when I'm not there to which I replied saying I found that to be a concerning statement and so who is he when he's with me if he is himself when he's alone with them?

I'm still mad this morning, he slept in the living room last night.

I don't even know what the point of this is, I just need to get it off my chest I think.

Op it sounds he has a cushy life which you are financially supporting while he "retrains".

You are massively being taken for a mug here. Do you have your own home, assets, savings and a good pension?

Is he using your income to fund his career change? To fund his beer money? Does he save op or does he have no issue in spending your ££ on himself?

Once married say goodbye to half your home and all your assets and if you have a child he could force you to pay him for the next 18 years if he becomes the househusband and kick you out of your own home meaning you would be liable to support him and your child if you are the breadwinner and he is primary carer.

I hope these posts are your wake up call.

Do not sleep walk into this appallingly one-sided relationship.

It sounds as if you are charmed by him and he can twist you around his little finger.

He is playing a game but luckily you are beginning to see him for what he is.

Has he charmed all your friends or have they warned you about him?

Once married

You say he has 2 personalities. He is not being himself with you and is reeling you in with just enough good fiance behaviour to marry you and get his hands legally on your assets before being able to relax and revert to being himself once he has the legal document.

I think you know all this and writing it down here has just confirmed the embarrassing and humiliating truth.

You can imagine how he and his friends have connived to exclude you for years now, this is not a one off is it?

To your fiance and his friends you are one or all of the following: embarrassing to be with, the person who signs the cheque only, more like mum or grandma or teacher who would disapprove of his behaviour and not a sexy young thing to be seen out and about with. There are other types of women which men would not like to be seen with which I don't have to list here as too hurtful but you should get the picture by now op.

You have intelligence op, so please use it to stop him bankrolling your complete humiliation.

My husband was invited to a wedding and I was not. We were married at the time and found it very strange that a married couple were not both invited. He refused to go without me. Listen to all the pp. Massive red flags. Kick this 'man' to the kerb!!

Hope you're ok OP

Do not marry this immature wanker.

*Is the lower wage a temporary thing just while he retrains?

If none of his other friends have partners and you'd be the only one, then it sounds like, as a group they are all very immature and don't really know how to be (or behave?) around partners. Like they don't just behave like normal people do.

Are they quite immature? What age is DP?*

I think this is the most accurate post here.

He was always the higher earner and was very generous with it, however he was miserable so he is now on a 3 year traineeship, after the three years his wage will go up to around 10k more than he was on pre-training. Then after that, unlimited earning potential. He had peaked in his previous career.

His friends are all incredibly immature, all approaching 30 but still acting 20. I suspect that it is as simple as when he is with them, he acts like this too and doesn't want me to see him like that because I would not find behaviour like that attractive.

It's nigh on impossible to get a picture of a whole human from one post but -

Definitely no drugs. If it did turn out to be this, I would pick up my dogs and walk out there and then. I have no reason to suspect drugs, he always comes home in a reasonable enough state etc.

The invite wasn't orchestrated, the reason for the formal invites is because it is a joint 30th and 60th which was all organised by DPs friends mum and she insisted. I have seen other people's invites on social media. Also, the party is at the start of February, not on NYE. That also would have been a deal breaker. And the party is in a function room, I assume with food etc.

I certainly don't expect (nor would I want too) gatecrash a boys night out but this, and the previous party was a mixed sex, mixed age social gathering. No, I wouldn't invite him out with my friends if it was just women but I would always want him to come if it was an actual party.

The most concerning thing for me is, which one is the real him if he has openly admitted he is different when he is with them?

I suspect he just doesn't see me as someone who is fun in those sort of settings. Even last night I suggested opening a bottle of champagne and playing some games but he passed on the champagne. But when his friends suggest drinks he's out the door like a shot.

He doesn't go out that often, every couple of months maybe at most.

It's all going to be a bunch of blokes, getting pissed and stupid, telling dirty jokes, puking in the street and generally being arses. For them a gf there is like a bucket of cold water. Do you really want to go? It's like you inviting him to a girls night out. Surely he can have friends and you can too, you're not joined at the hip. It makes for a healthy relationship to have separate friends.

Provided you do plenty of things as a couple and have 'grown up' joint friendships with other couples, I wouldn't be annoyed. Let him be silly and immature with his best mates.

If there are other problems, like finances, trust etc, those issues are separate.

Sounds like you’re a meal ticket I’m afraid.

This isn't a partnership OP. I wouldn't put up with this.

OP,

I think both are the real him. People have different parts to them. Not in an unhealthy, multiple personality, or cheating way - but naturally and healthily....

The 'you' you are when you are vulnerable and with someone you trust to take care of you is radically different to the you you are when you are performing at work, which is different again to the one hanging out in the pub, or seducing a lover. I don't think him being immature/silly with his pals in anyway invalidates the mature parts that you see and interact with. It is all the real him, I would guess.

As you have said, I also think it is healthy and good for couples to have time with their own friends and hobbies etc. yes you are a team, but you are also individuals. (My bloke is off for a two-day trip with his old school friends tomorrow and I completely understand that having me along would change the experience and make it harder for him to be there fully with him) That said, I would be concerned if he feels you don't 'fit' or help him relax, even in mixed socializing groups, who font have a shared history you don't share.

Rather than castigating him for this, might be worth exploring it. Are there ways in which you make him feel judged/ are hard work? If you can go to these events and be happy and relaxed, I would think he would be able to enjoy being there with you?

You're not really listening to us, are you @NamechangeoutedbyMIL?

I have no doubt he is generally lovely to you.

I have no doubt that it is healthy for couples to do things separately.

I think he is very comfortable in his current set up but I have a horrid feeling you will get traded in once he has retrained. For a string of women he doesn’t have to treat like a partner.

mixed sex, mixed age social gathering.

Regardless this should still be a deal breaker after 8 years of being together. You are not a new couple. He/They think it's ok for you to be excluded.

How many years if ever will it take for you to qualify for an invitation from him/them? Do you see yourself as someone who needs to earn that? Most of us are saying the situation is already untenable.

You are not fully incorporated into his life. He has you compartmentalized for whatever reason. After 8 years, my guess is this is how it will always be. Once you have children it will be him living one life and you and the children living another life. In the same house.

He shouldn’t accept the invite out of respect to you. Would you go if this was reversed.

V ignorant friends. I would be retracting the wedding invite.

I've been married for 30 years and I do really get upset about much this days. If my husband is invited somewhere I'm happy for him to go. I just want for everyone to be happy. If he wants to be alone with them I get it. I also want time with my friends alone.
I love my own company and any opportunity to be alone is welcome. Ultimately we are all still individuals. Do what makes you happy.

Thornhill- you have been married for 30 years, so I'm thinking you are established as your DH's partner.
I'm not sure this is the case with OP

Wow. Raise your standards op.

He's telling his friends it's ok to exclude you from any social event. Don't marry him.

Please please please wake up,and see this situation for what it is. He is not treating or regarding you as an equal. Do you seriously believe he has you as his priority. No no no. He has literally told you he can't be himself around you. Do not marry him.

Unfortunately the op is not listening.

Op would you say he is better looking than you? Needs you for a visa? Depends on your home ( such as in London or another desirable area?) Do you have a high BMI or anything else that might make you feel you are punching above your weight with this guy? Are you the female version of a sugar daddy? Before I get flamed for asking, is there something that you haven't told us that makes him value his "attraction " of you?

There are so many gullible/ vulnerable relatively wealthy women and men who don't realise they are being used.

Sorry op, but from your posts you seem to accept any behaviour in order to stay engaged.

You are throwing ££ at this man and his friends and they don't like you much and have got in the habit of disrespecting and excluding you. Why?

Gosh you guys are going bonkers on this one. You are the ones not listening or showing the slightest respect for the OP's own knowledge of the situation or her judgement. You are really starting to sound bullying with your tone and your messages.

This is a small issue over party invites and relationships with friends. Yes, there is no doubt something to learn about that (probably on both their sides), but there is no hint of any form of abuse or that her partner mistreats her or does not genuinely love her!

As for the money hysteria, The OP has said that for years her partner earned more than her and was very generous. They then made a joint decision that he would retrain, meaning she is now the main earner, and that within a few years he will again be the bigger earner.... what exactly is wrong with that?

Too many on this board keen to denounce and write off every relationship. And before you suggest I am constantly defending men, no I am not. I frequently tell posters if I see evidence of abuse or even extreme selfishness in their partner- but unless I have missed something in this thread, I don't see it here.

Then you’re not reading it properly

I can understand that he finds mixing you and his friends complicated. My dp had similar issues when we first started dating due to his own insecurities from his past and around whether I would think less of him if I didn’t like his friends.
However, what’s worse is:

1. You are eight years in
2. He doesn’t seem to be prepared to listen to how this makes you feel and address the behaviour

Without that how can you move forward?

I had an ex like this. I thought I was fine with it... turns out I wasn’t. Of course it’s healthy for people in a couple to do things separately with their friends, and I did plenty of it myself so that wasn’t a problem, it was the fact that he was always raring to go out with his mates, have a drink etc and when I suggested going out he was ‘tired’, ‘fancies a night in’ etc. I then realised that often his friend’s girlfriends were out with the group, and I still wasn’t invited. He saw me as a hindrance to his fun night out I think... he was a completely different person with his mates. Anyway this was a major reason for me ending it after 8 years, and he was shocked I was making ‘an issue’ out if it.
Anyway, now married to a man who is happy to see his friends alone, happy for me to see mine alone, happy to invite me along to stuff, happy to come to my friend’s stuff... it’s so much nicer.