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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve met someone I really like, but red flag

134 replies

Camela · 30/12/2019 12:22

Single for 4 years. Absolutely was not looking for anyone, having lots of fun playing the field and enjoying being on my own.

Then I met someone a month ago and I can absolutely see it going somewhere. We have the same outlook on life, same goals, similar life stages etc etc. But there is one red flag....

He has a “crazy ex”. And I know how this goes. I’m always wary of men who are quick to tell you how their ex is crazy/bitter/a nutter. My ex says the same thing about me! He doesn’t go on about it but he has mentioned her a few times and every time it makes me cringe back.

I mean there is always the possibility she is a crazy ex, but much more likely she isn’t an exception to the rule

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
Camela · 30/12/2019 12:24

Not to drip feed! But he has custody of the kids because of her “craziness” She has access twice a week

OP posts:
2020cominatcha · 30/12/2019 12:25

It’s easy for me to say from here, but I think at best it indicates poor judgement on his part. I mean, why was he with her if she was “crazy” Confused

I’m intrigued by why it’s always (straight) men who have crazy exes, and not women.

Newnamewhodis1 · 30/12/2019 12:25

How can we tell? Use your judgement.

2020cominatcha · 30/12/2019 12:26

Why would you talk about your children’s mother like that?

Surely “she’s facing some challenges” would be more appropriate?

Original poster
Camela · 30/12/2019 12:27

@2020cominatcha, likewise! I always do the not subtle eye roll at yet another crazy ex story

@Newnamewhodis1, well I wasn’t asking for you to tell me what to do mate! Just pondering a relationship, on the relationship board. Kind of what it’s here for?

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 30/12/2019 12:27

Just discourage him from talking about her. If he mentions her say "let's talk about us not her, she's history". Or something like that to shut down the discussion dead

As a pp said however, why was he with her if she was crazy?

Ellathechristmasfairy · 30/12/2019 12:28

I’d go with it but proceed cautiously, the fact that he has custody of his kids says a lot.
Unpopular opinion on here but there are crazy/abusive women as well as men, maybe he is telling the truth, time will tell.
I’d give him a chance but be on the alert.

bluebella4 · 30/12/2019 12:30

@2020 my thoughts also. Why is he talking about the mother of his kids like that?

Maybe set boundaries. To be honest man who can be fowl mouthed about a women would be making me think twice 🤔

frazzledasarock · 30/12/2019 12:30

There may be something in it if he has residency of the dc.

Do you think she would affect your relationship?

I’m sure ex also tell people I’m crazy. However I have residency of my DC and heh as been refused direct contact. Sooo ....

Original poster
Camela · 30/12/2019 12:31

@Ellathechristmasfairy, he’s usually the one to move the conversation on as I don’t engage when he starts talking about her.

He says they had an amicable split but it fell apart 6 mths later when she went off the rails, 2 years on he has the kids. He has her in his phone as “her” which is horrible for the mother of his kids

OP posts:
Newnamewhodis1 · 30/12/2019 12:32

There's just no rule op - just because he says she's crazy it doesn't mean she isn't. And vice versa.
Maybe she wasn't crazy, then was.
Just keep your wits about you and see. I don't think you need to jump to the dump if that's what you're asking.

Original poster
Camela · 30/12/2019 12:32

She’s with someone else now so not sure it would affect our relationship. Plus I don’t intend on meeting his kids or him meeting mine for a long time so no need for us to be public as such

OP posts:
ohwheniknow · 30/12/2019 12:33

the fact that he has custody of his kids says a lot

Mneh. Abusive men manipulate the court system in their favour all the time.

If I had concerns I wouldn't give him the benefit of the doubt. The longer you're involved, the more attached you become and the harder it will be to extricate yourself once you start spotting the other warning signs.

Given how bad it could become I don't consider it worth the risk. But that's me.

OceanSunFish · 30/12/2019 12:33

Like you I dislike the phrase, but fact that he had custody (rare for a man) does imply something negative about her. Unless she was the main earner and he was the main carer?

TheReluctantCountess · 30/12/2019 12:33

I’d be a bit concerned about his lack of respect for her, tbh.

Is he calling her crazy because she has some mental health issues? If so, that’s not on either.

The more I think about it, the bigger the red flag gets. One day he could be referring to you as the crazy ex.

dontgobaconmyheart · 30/12/2019 12:34

Well if he's right you're in for a lifetime of misery if she has contact with the kids- if he's doing the usual 'crazy ex' nonsense then it's a red flag- he had two children with her so clearly wasnt fussed at that time.

The real red flag here though is that it's been a month Confused- you don't know him, you know what he tells you and a few weeks is not enough to know somebody well or know their legitimate opinions and behaviours underneath the facade of early dating or what they're like. Has he been love bombing OP? It doesn't seem that healthy to be viewing someone you barely know as a potential life partner. Hopefully he has not introduced you to his DC after such a short time? I would expect him to be wanting to wait 6 months at least to actually see if it might have legs, for their sake- if not it's red flags galore.

Original poster
Camela · 30/12/2019 12:35

No he was the main earner she was SAHM. He says drugs and unsuitable partner, SS involved and he got the kids.

I have checked out his story and he does have the kids living with him.

OP posts:
KellyHall · 30/12/2019 12:36

Maybe he's hurt on behalf of the children. It's very rare for a courtto award a mother such little contact.

Can you sit down alone together and tell him that's his one chance to tell you all about it, then you want to move forward concentrating on you two and the children, not "her"?

ohwheniknow · 30/12/2019 12:36

He has her in his phone as “her” which is horrible for the mother of his kids

He's a shameless misogynist.

There isn't one possible warning sign here, there's multiple. And this one is definite.

I wouldn't want him in my life, no matter how charming he's capable of appearing.

NerdyBird · 30/12/2019 12:37

I would proceed with caution. My DH has residency of his children because his ex made and continues to make very poor choices when it comes to safeguarding. He doesn't describe her as crazy though. So there could be something in it. Maybe he still hasn't really dealt with the end of their relationship and the things that led to his gaining residency.

Original poster
Camela · 30/12/2019 12:37

Not looking at him as a life partner after a month at all! And as above, no plans for kids to meet on either side.

But I can ponder if I want to invest anymore time without making plans for marriage

OP posts:
Original poster
Camela · 30/12/2019 12:39

I asked him why she was “her” in his phone (she called once when we were together”

He said he can’t even stand seeing her name.

OP posts:
BigusBumus · 30/12/2019 12:45

I'm with Ellathechristmasfairy. My husband's ex was nuts, we got custody of their son in the end. Some woman ARE crazy although MN would have you believe the opposite.

You could ask him to use more moderate language when discussing her as it makes you feel uncomfortable using the terms crazy, nutter etc, especially as you know its being said about you too.

Sparkletastic · 30/12/2019 12:47

It may well be true. Him having access may indicate that she wasn't deemed able to provide a stable home life for the DCs at that time. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and try and find out a bit more whilst maintaining your wise position of not slagging exes off.

Sparkletastic · 30/12/2019 12:47

Yes agree on the language. Perhaps ask if she has a diagnosed MH condition?

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