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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve met someone I really like, but red flag

134 replies

Camela · 30/12/2019 12:22

Single for 4 years. Absolutely was not looking for anyone, having lots of fun playing the field and enjoying being on my own.

Then I met someone a month ago and I can absolutely see it going somewhere. We have the same outlook on life, same goals, similar life stages etc etc. But there is one red flag....

He has a “crazy ex”. And I know how this goes. I’m always wary of men who are quick to tell you how their ex is crazy/bitter/a nutter. My ex says the same thing about me! He doesn’t go on about it but he has mentioned her a few times and every time it makes me cringe back.

I mean there is always the possibility she is a crazy ex, but much more likely she isn’t an exception to the rule

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Cohle · 30/12/2019 12:50

It may well be the case that she is having some issues, but that's no reason for him not to speak about her respectfully.

Calling her "crazy" and referring to her as "her" would be a major red flag for me. Having an ex who was experiencing issues with mental health and substance abuse that had required SS involvement wouldn't put me off at all if he was decent and kind about it.

CFlemingSmith · 30/12/2019 12:51

Honestly it might be true. Someone women are crazy ex’s! Although most posts on here would have you believing women were angels and men are gaslighting misogynistic knobs.
I do think the fact he has custody of the kids says an awful lot

keepingbees · 30/12/2019 12:53

Courts don't take kids off their mums without good reason. If she's on drugs and bad enough to have her kids removed then I'd say he has every right to not speak very highly of her.
The good thing is he's stepped up and was obviously deemed stable enough to have them otherwise they would've ended up in care.

Ellathechristmasfairy · 30/12/2019 12:56

Having ‘her’ on his contacts for her really isn’t anything to worry about. When exH left he was in my phone as cunt, I’m not abusive, I was angry and hurt.
I really would give him the benefit of the doubt until he proves otherwise.

Windmillwhirl · 30/12/2019 12:58

Abusive men manipulate the court system in their favour all the time.

I don't believe that at all. My brother has custody of his children because their mother was very selfish, neglectful and generally a very poor role model.

If this man has custody of his children I'd wager there is a very good reason.

Op, you could be honest and say the term crazy makes you cringe. I'd say their breakup was far from good and not everyone processes that with maturity and decorum. So, not a red flag necessarily.

NameChangeNugget · 30/12/2019 12:59

I don’t think it’s necessarily a red flag.

Some people, who I used to consider as friends, became totally unhinged when heir guys had the audacity to dump them.

Tread with caution however this “crazy ex” drivel that gets churned out on here as gospel, simply isn’t true

ACouchOfOnesOwn · 30/12/2019 13:04

It's quite a big red flag . . .because even if everything he says about her is true, she is still the mother of his DCs. Calling her crazy and labelling her as 'her' in his phone, both point to a lack of respect and a lack of commitment to enabling his DCs to have a good relationship with her. Also, you've not been together that long and he's already called her crazy enough times for you to notice it and feel uncomfortable.
Part of the problem with men with crazy exes is that they're setting you up in competition with other women and they're putting you on a pedestal - you're not like the 'crazy' ex. Neither of those are healthy or sustainable positions imo.

KatherineJaneway · 30/12/2019 13:04

I'd be inclined to believe him as he has custody.

Techway · 30/12/2019 13:10

My ex is disordered yet I wouldn't speak about him to a new person like that. I would focus on his behaviour, controlling, lack of empathy etc...if needed in the first month.

If his Ex has had children removed then she must have some serious MH issues, even if that is personality disordered and his lack of compassion would be the red flag to me.

This is even more relevant if he says they were on good terms before so he has history & knowledge of her as a good person to counter balance the bad??

Generally women have less power (physical & financial) so whilst they may have similar rates of MH issues they tend to not inflict as much damage as men can who can intimidate or use the legal system.

I wouldn't ask him to tone down his language rather listen and pick up trends. He will reveal himself so listen to you gut instincts. If something is "off" it probadly is.

I made the mistake of telling Ex H (in the early days) how it was important to have good relationship with Exs, understand your part in the breakdown etc and that just made him covert so I thought he shared similar values to me.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 30/12/2019 13:10

Yes there may be good reasons he has custody, but he is clearly consumed with hatred for his ex, as he keeps bringing her up in convos with you.

He may not be ready for a healthy relationship.

Crinkle77 · 30/12/2019 13:10

We can't really judge because we don't know what the ex has done to be labelled 'crazy'. If she has done some appalling things then I might understand why he has her as 'her' in his phone.

Techway · 30/12/2019 13:11

Another thing..do you really want this drama in your life? If his Ex has issues then you will be dragged into it.

UniversalAunt · 30/12/2019 13:14

‘Yes there may be good reasons he has custody, but he is clearly consumed with hatred for his ex, as he keeps bringing her up in convos with you.

He may not be ready for a healthy relationship.’

This

olivertwistwantsmore · 30/12/2019 13:14

We don’t know what happened in their relationship - perhaps she put him through hell, and that’s why he’s less than sympathetic now? Or perhaps he is just a misogynistic git. But he has custody of the dc, which says something.

What kind of MH issues does she have? All linked to drugs, or separate? Does he facilitate his ex seeing the kids?

I’d probably talk to him, say I didn’t like the term ‘crazy’ and maybe find out a bit more about what happened before dumping him...

FredaFrogspawn · 30/12/2019 13:18

I think it is a potential red flag but would want more to becomes clear over time before making a judgement. He could be right but he could also be wrong.

FredaFrogspawn · 30/12/2019 13:19

I’d be a bit wary though.

Bluerussian · 30/12/2019 13:19

You're not planning on living with or even introducing him to your children or meeting his for a long time. Just proceed cautiously and enjoy the relationship as it is without thinking long term

As and when he brings up his ex wife again and talks about her like that, tell him how uncomfortable it makes you feel, that he is disrespectful to the mother of his children, and that you'd rather not know, thank you. See how he takes that.

Try to have an easy, friendly relationship but if in the future you want more, you have to know the plain facts about his marriage and meet family members who knew her and him together.

KatyCarrCan · 30/12/2019 13:20

Also, for those saying they'd believe him because he has custody . . . my BIL had custody of his DCs. According to DH, it's because he could afford a much better legal team than his ex. BIL has a drink and anger problem. Two of his three DCs no longer talk to him and have a great relationship with their mum. So, tempting though it is to assume custody means something, it doesn't always.

justdoityourself · 30/12/2019 13:26

To be honest, I think rather than shut him down, I'd be inclined to want to find out more about her. Ask him why she's crazy, what went wrong, why he has custody of the dc. Obviously you'll only get his side of the story, but the fact that he has custody says something.

Lllot5 · 30/12/2019 13:27

It’s only been a month no need to think anything yet just play it by ear.
Maybe she is crazy. I don’t have my exes number because I’d text him every day calling him a cunt.
No doubt he thinks I’m crazy.

Bumply · 30/12/2019 13:29

I renamed contact in phone to X as I couldn't bare seeing him in with his name. A) his real name was higher in the alphabet, so he'd be a presence when clicking through saved phone numbers (on landline phone) and B) in leaving me he'd turned into someone I didn't recognise and it hurt less to see 'X' than his real name.

AlternativePerspective · 30/12/2019 13:30

It’s easy for me to say from here, but I think at best it indicates poor judgement on his part. I mean, why was he with her if she was “crazy” do you suggest that to the women on the relationships board who have “narc”/violent/drunk/manipulative and the list goes on ex’s?

More to the point, is the relationships board full of women speaking in glowing terms about their ex’s? Nope didn’t think so. But because it’s a man he’s misogynist/lying/manipulative etc etc. Hmm.

It’s also worth bearing in mind that people do use the term “crazy” as a catch all and not necessarily to denote a mental illness.

Someone who flies off the rails/is consumed with drugs/violence/harm to children could well be described as crazy. Doesn’t mean they have a mental illness though.

TBH I would give him the benefit of the doubt. Contrary to popular belief on here not all women are hapless victims and some of them are capable of the same levels of manipulation/verbal abuse/harm to their children as men.

BrokenWing · 30/12/2019 13:32

'Crazy ex' I would live with as a very occasional euphemism, but having 'her' in his phone contact list because he can't stand even seeing her name is beyond immature, pathetic and very unattractive. Does it not bother him his kids might see this?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/12/2019 13:35

That's a tough one because, as has been said, she could actually be crazy, OR he could be a devious manipulative charmer who drove her insane and then used it against her to take the children.

You can't tell at this stage.

All you can do is be wary, check for other red flags (relationship moving too fast, little signs of disrespect, things like that) and keep yourself safe. Of course no meeting each others' children for several months at least!

See, even him saying she was taking drugs is an issue - what sort, medical or recreational? And was she self-medicating for an actual mental health issue, or had she just gone off the rails? Too many variables. Mums don't generally lose their children just because they have mental health problems - there has to be more to it than that (neglect, abuse, etc.) - so it would be interesting to know why and how he got custody. But even that doesn't prove that she is actually a "crazy ex"!

Just take it all nice and slow and see what else you can find out before you fall in too far.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 30/12/2019 13:36

All the people saying “why was he with her?” What about all the women who end up with partners that turn out to be difficult/abusive? As they are usually told, they probably weren’t like that all the time.