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Original poster

I’ve met someone I really like, but red flag

134 replies

Camela · 30/12/2019 12:22

Single for 4 years. Absolutely was not looking for anyone, having lots of fun playing the field and enjoying being on my own.

Then I met someone a month ago and I can absolutely see it going somewhere. We have the same outlook on life, same goals, similar life stages etc etc. But there is one red flag....

He has a “crazy ex”. And I know how this goes. I’m always wary of men who are quick to tell you how their ex is crazy/bitter/a nutter. My ex says the same thing about me! He doesn’t go on about it but he has mentioned her a few times and every time it makes me cringe back.

I mean there is always the possibility she is a crazy ex, but much more likely she isn’t an exception to the rule

Thoughts?

OP posts:
thedancingbear · 30/12/2019 15:36

He had children with someone who is crazy and therefore shows very poor judgement of character

FFS. Would you ever say this about a woman who had been in an abusive partner? That she should never be able to form a relationship with someone ever again.

Victim blaming of the highest order.

CFlemingSmith · 30/12/2019 15:39

@Daisy7654

I wonder how different your response would be if the roles were reversed?

category12 · 30/12/2019 15:45

B. He had children with someone who is crazy and therefore shows very poor judgement of character.

That's most of the women on the relationships board ruled out of ever dating again Hmm.

Things happen: sometimes people develop mental health issues or lose control of addictions. Sometimes people mask well for years. Sometimes you try to make a poor relationship work for years.

Grumpelstilskin · 30/12/2019 15:45

To be fair though 'her' is rather a mild option. Plenty of women call their male exes far worse! And my DH has had one unhinged ex too. However, he did not mention her within the first few weeks and only gradually confided in me, as we got closer. Most importantly though, it was firmly in the past and he had long processed her abuse. Your new guy's story probably rings true but I would not want all of that drama in my life. I'd walk away, he has his hands full and it's still all ongoing.

YellowJellyfish · 30/12/2019 15:47

All the people saying he's being disrespectful to the mother of his kids! Typical bloody man hating mumsnet. All those women who have posted on here about their abusive exes, and calling them names, are they being disrespectful of the father of their kids? No of course not and we don't know the full story here.

When I was dating bad mouthing an ex on a first date or so, was a walk out offence.

But this is a month down the line where you're getting to know each other better. Learn each other's pasts. She may be crazy she may not be, from what he's told you she doesn't sound like the best mother ever. Again cynic that I am, I'd take everything he says, with a pinch of salt.

I used to have ex as a rude name on the phone and still have OW as Twat.

No at this stage I don't think it's a huge red flag, but would keep my guard up.

sonjadog · 30/12/2019 15:55

I don´t think it is a red flag, but it might be a sign that he isn't ready for dating someone else yet. I would continue and see if what he says about his ex and other women in his life.

venusandmars · 30/12/2019 16:12

My exh labelled me as the 'crazy ex'. Everyone believed him, including my dsis and my parents. He was abusive, charming etc.

Proceed with caution.

thedancingbear · 30/12/2019 16:13

I used to have ex as a rude name on the phone and still have OW as Twat.

YY to this. A friend of mine had a nutty ex in her phone as 'Do not answer'.

'Her' is pretty mild all told.

LocksMyth · 30/12/2019 16:25

I would judge him on the kind of parent/friend/son he is. It says more about him than anything else. If she neglected their children due to her drugs and lifestyle, I think he is entitled to feel less than charitable toward her. I would feel the same in his shoes.

lorettalemon · 30/12/2019 16:49

I have come across a few people, both men and women who have behaved in an unhinged way - compulsive lying, incoherent rambling/harassing people, unacceptable behaviour through drug and alcohol use, so it's clearly not beyond the realms of possibly.
I'd be most concerned if there were a string of crazy exes in his life.
If he has custody of the children it's possible there's some merit to what he's saying.
I don't think saying she's crazy was a very good way to put it across to you. In your position I'd be asking for a proper factual explanation and saying that I'd met men who dismiss exes as crazy and I wanted to know what he actually meant.
As for saving the ex as "her," I have my STBXH saved under a comedy name on my phone that relates to something particularly stupid he once did - that's because he has a very common name and whenever I see it, it reminds me of what he did and it makes me laugh. I don't think not wanting to see the name of someone you think has behaved appalling necessarily means anything negative
I'm more wary than most about the "my crazy ex" line, but in this situation I don't think you have enough information to decide what to make of it

Saucy99 · 30/12/2019 17:04

Lol I've seen men on here described as far worse... But that's different right?

thedancingbear · 30/12/2019 17:23

Yep. I'm also astonished at the posts saying 'he has custody of the kids, he must be controlling': either deliberate arseholery or industrial strength double-standards. Some posters need to remember these are people's real-life problems they're commenting on.

aSofaNearYou · 30/12/2019 17:42

I think you'd need to say more, as others have said him having residency does suggest there's some truth in it. Him sharing his private feelings with his partner is very different from him sharing them with the kids too, but if you're not comfortable with it then maybe he's not the man for you.

I have no issue at all with my partner being honest about what he thinks of her in my presence.

Enchanted23 · 30/12/2019 17:52

So this is the way he refers to the mother of his children? Hmm
Even if she is 'crazy' he isn't showing much respect or maturity. He doesn't sound like he's over their relationship or her. He could be far more diplomatic and you'd work it out for yourself without him slagging her off.
Even in your title you've put red flag so you already know this is bad news.

YellowSkyBlue · 30/12/2019 17:53

There seems to be too much drama at the beginning of your relationship. Surely this is suppose to be the honeymoon period. Is it really worth it if you are already thinking about 'her' and the kids? Plus the he said and she said conversations. I say take notice of this huge red flag and start stepping back.

Windmillwhirl · 30/12/2019 17:58

Even if she is 'crazy' he isn't showing much respect or maturity.

No he isn't, but maybe she doesn't deserve his respect. So, she can do, behave and act how she likes and should be respected because she gave birth to his children! Ridiculous point of view

saraclara · 30/12/2019 18:07

Good grief. If it was a woman describing her ex as crazy and who had custody of her kids because of her partners coke habit, would she be getting this same judgment from mumsnet?

This has to be the worst thread for double standards that I've seen for a while.

Panpastels · 30/12/2019 18:52

Agree @saraclara but men must be civil and non judgmental at all times and even then they're probably just being manipulative Grin

Enchanted23 · 30/12/2019 19:00

Windmillwhirl come on when kids are involved you can't shoot your mouth off to someone you've just started dating. It's a few months in and he's potentially creating a drama with his ex and his new gfriend.
More than that the op clearly feels uncomfortable to entitle her post using the term red flag and coming on line to voice her concerns.
The OP knows deep down this isn't right.
There are classier ways and ways of being descreet than being crass about the mother of your children.
Personally i think it's a red flag and would scream to me there is too much drama and he's definitely not over the ex by the emotive language he uses.
I can't respect a man who slags off women or their ex.
If the ex has problems this man doesn't need to make it worse, the ex will show her true colours. I bet he's as bad as his ex.
It's uncomfortable and a reflection of his lack of respect for a woman he chose to have children with. If she's that crazy he's tragic for having kids with her.

conduitoffortune · 30/12/2019 19:11

For goodness sake. Women call their exes all kinds. Women on MN too. And posters pile in with 'he's a twat/cunt/bellend'. Because some exes are, men and women. She sounds like a twat. Are only women allowed to have crazy exes?

RLEOM · 30/12/2019 20:09

My ex used to go on about his crazy ex and was adamant he never did anything to cause her behaviour... turns out he was a lying, cheating, womanising asshole who drove me nuts after our baby was born by having an affair right under my nose in our own home! Hormones and heartache wasn't a good combination for my mental health.

isadoradancing123 · 30/12/2019 20:23

Well if she had a coke habit and he has the children then she prob was crazy, she may be the mother of his children but why should he respect her in those circumstances

Cherry83 · 30/12/2019 20:34

I would be more concerned about him having a "crazy ex" and your own DC being inadvertently exposed to her behaviour at some point. Be sure you can protect them from that before deciding whether to invest further in the relationship.

mulberrybag · 30/12/2019 20:36

My ex is one of the finer examples a psychopath, I hate the fact he still roams the earth.
Is it not ok to be less than PC when discussing someone who has made my life and that of my children a living hell when on an anonymous forum or am I still supposed to talk about him as if he were a good kind human ?
I just don't understand this need to be so bloody fake/pc, why can we not call a spade a spade (-obviously not in front of children!)

Windmillwhirl · 30/12/2019 20:43

Are only women allowed to have crazy exes?

Apparently, yes.

Maybe, just maybe when he met her she was ok. Maybe she has substance issues that came about well after the children were born. Who knows?

Choosing a poor life partner is not uncommon. People can be very good at hiding who they really are when attempting to win someone over.

I'm inclined to think that their relationship ended very badly and he hasn't the maturity to process it yet. Emotions are still running high and is often the case following a separation, and most certainly one where the children are removed from the mother.