I’ve met someone I really like, but red flag

[Camela]

Single for 4 years. Absolutely was not looking for anyone, having lots of fun playing the field and enjoying being on my own.

Then I met someone a month ago and I can absolutely see it going somewhere. We have the same outlook on life, same goals, similar life stages etc etc. But there is one red flag....

He has a “crazy ex”. And I know how this goes. I’m always wary of men who are quick to tell you how their ex is crazy/bitter/a nutter. My ex says the same thing about me! He doesn’t go on about it but he has mentioned her a few times and every time it makes me cringe back.

I mean there is always the possibility she is a crazy ex, but much more likely she isn’t an exception to the rule

Thoughts?

Why don't you probe and ask ' In what way do you think she is crazy' 'What behaviours have led you to that conclusion?' Etc. Then you extract the story and make a decision based upon some fact rather than no facts!

The double standards on here are disgusting.

So a man who gains custody of his kids is a manipulative bastard whereas a woman who gains custody is a saint? Not to mention the fact that if a man is in a bad relationship he shows poor judgement but if a woman is in a bad relationship then she was an innocent victim.

I have actually seen posters on here in the past advising a woman to reduce her hours at work to ensure that she has primary residency of the kids.

Judging by some of the comments on here I’d imagine there’s a few on this very thread who fit the description of “crazy ex” rather well themselves.

Erm, someone who becomes addicted to coke might have been a reasonable person prior to the addiction, but not once it has taken hold. Some people do develop drug habits to the point they become completely unfit parents. Having had DC with someone who subsequently became an addict isn't a 'red flag', any more than having had DC with someone who develops a serious mental illness.

Total double standards, laughably so considering leave the bastard is rolled out for some fairly minor incidences where you are only hearing one side of the story.
There are good and bad women and men in life. I think some women on MN project their bitterness towards men on here because they are unable to in real life.
Every other thread on Relationships posters telling the op that her DP is a twat, cunt, bastard, man child, lazy, selfish, cock lodger etc.

Every other thread on Relationships posters telling the op that her DP is a twat, cunt, bastard, man child, lazy, selfish, cock lodger etc.

Absolutely.

A woman losers custody of her children and of course it's the partner that manipulated the system.

And she can't possibly be crazy. He's the real problem for even daring to call her that.

It's laughable

Loses*

Once again the double standards on here are disgusting.

If she doesn't have the kids as she's deemed unfit, 'crazy' or similar insults is a pretty apt word. It mightn't be a politically correct word, but I image he's had endless drama from this unstable cokehead and is probably understandably sick of her.

A friend pulled me up on calling my ex's neighbour 'mad,' but he has 69 convictions and threatened to break both my then partner and I's necks. He's awful, and also violent to his girlfriend. He's in and out of prison and has caused my ex, who's severely disabled, no end of stress. I'll call him all the names under the sun, thanks!

My brothers ex is a legitimate train wreck. Its real, occasionally some women are loop de loop.

An XP of mine, very early in the relationship referred to his ex as "the bitch" or "the cow". He told me she told lies about him to neighbours/friends after their split. All the things he told me she lied about turned out to be true. There are two sides to every story....I never got the chance to hear hers. When I realised that he was everything she had said I ended the relationship. I have no doubt at all that I am now the one referred to as "the bitch" or "the cow". Proceed with caution OP.

Lot of narc men are getting Custody of the children in the family courts.
This is how my dil lost hers
Ex didn’t really want them..just didn’t want her to have them. He calls her a crazy ex
You’re right to see it as a red flag.
They the use the children to continue to abuse the mothers in court
Don’t let your guard doen

Be careful and listen to your gut - you are being sensible in how you are looking at things, and need to continue to be wary - there are a lot of people who slag off their ex but it can be a great excuse for not taking any responsibility for problems in a relationship.

I have dated men who have PR of their children and ultimately it turned out they were narcs who manipulated their ex's into parting with the kids.

I personally see a man who has custody of DC and calls ex a nutter as a red flag so proceed with caution.

Once again the double standards on here are disgusting.

When I walk on my own late at night and/ or in the dark, I'm far more wary of men I don't know than of women. You could call that a double standard but for me it's a risk assessment based on evidence. Men are more likely to commit crimes and I'm more likely to be overwhelmed by someone physically stronger than me. It doesn't mean women are always safe, it just means men are more likely to be dangerous.

You cannot always apply the same standards of assessment regardless of sex. Women are still more likely than men to be the main carer and courts are more likely to give them custody. So, knowing the man I was dating had custody of his DC, as awarded by the court, I wanted to know why. He earns more money than his ex - he could have afforded better lawyers. Again, statistically this is often though not always the case.

As it is, my OH is a kind, caring man who puts his DC first. His ex struggles and does not cope well and this is not his fault or his doing. But I was wary, more wary than I would have been had I been dating a woman with custody, because factually it is a more unusual situation.

On the other side of the fence, I refer to my exdh as an arsehole. Because he is. Hardly bothers with his kids and pays no maintenance towards them. Never Skypes them. Doesn't call on their birthdays. I never put him down in front of the DC and never will but I feel totally justified in calling a spade a spade when referring to him with other people. This wouldn't be a red flag for me necessarily or a dumping offence. We all have our history and poor choices. Obviously if it is becoming a piece of a larger puzzle of concerning things than yes, rethink....but otherwise not a big deal for me.

@Vanhi

The two situations aren't really comparable. Statistically men are more likely to be violent towards women than other women are, but they are no more likely to be a nightmare to be in a relationship with. It is just as likely that a man's "crazy" ex was actually a total PITA as it is that a woman's was.

I would be wary yes.

Pace the relationship. YOu have your eyes open.

I genuinely do have a narcissistic x. I am honest about what he put me through, usually fairly early. It shaped me, for the better in the end. Eventually. My boundaries have improved and I have changed so I don't worry that I'll be taken advantage of again.

I guess it's possible that some men have thought I must be crazy because I fled an abusive man.

I know a man who got custody of his child and he would have chosen language like ''she faced some challenges'' rather than said ''she was crazy'' but he was the same toxic bully regardless of what he said. He just knew how to seem like a kind reasonable man.

Wow, @Dowser amazed you SEE this clearly when it's your own son.

My x's mother just stirs up his indignation. She does him no favours. Not that it's her fault but she never puts forward reason to counter his ego.

I hope your son listens to you. Or that your perspective does a lap of his consciousness even if his ego is trying to drown it out.

My children's father's name is in my phone as "Kid's Dad". I was not and am not abusive. I am not consumed with hatred or bitterness. It is a way to distance myself from him and his abusive messages, which still come through with monotonous regularity. I don't see a red flag in how he labels her in his phone.

I'm inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. Some exes are just so dreadful and abusive that you do what you can to create distance between them and you.

It's certainly possible that his ex has MH issues which developed after their break up. He has custody of his DC so that does kind of give some credence to what he's telling you.

It's a really horrible way of speaking about someone who is ill, though; I have MH issues due to childhood SA (complex PTSD and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome). He's being very nasty about her, which is definitely a red flag IMO and would put me off him totally.

When someone is the primary carer for their children (because their ex used drugs and was found by SS to be an unfit parent) then I think they should be allowed some leeway to describe their experience.

A thread saying a woman in such a situation was to blame for choosing him, was probably making it up and should be nice would rightly be criticised.

My XH is bonkers and I have him in my phone under initials as I can’t stand seeing his name or his photo. It’s not just women who are crazy exes. They happen.

@donquixotedelamancha Yes you have got a point there, but it nevertheless sounds to me as if he's far too focused on his ex for it to be healthy. She might well be all the things he's describing her as, but she's the mother of his DC, so he really needs to find a way of getting over it, otherwise the DC will pick up on it if they haven't already.

It's obviously enough to make the OP wary of him. Apart from any thing else, it really isn't an attractive trait to be constantly talking about an ex with a new girlfriend.

She might well be all the things he's describing her as, but she's the mother of his DC, so he really needs to find a way of getting over it, otherwise the DC will pick up on it if they haven't already.

Oh I agree. A little caution is always sensible and too much energy slagging an ex is never healthy; but some of the responses on here are nuts and would not be said about a woman in the same situation.

Statistically men are more likely to be violent towards women than other women are, but they are no more likely to be a nightmare to be in a relationship with. It is just as likely that a man's "crazy" ex was actually a total PITA as it is that a woman's was.

The point of the analogy was to show why it is that treating the sexes differently is often justified. If you look at what I said, I argued that women are more likely to be given custody and that is why I wonder more about men being given custody.

Men and women might be just as likely to be a nightmare in a relationship or after you split. However, women are more likely than men to be the victims of domestic abuse www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/crimeandjustice/bulletins/domesticabuseinenglandandwales/yearendingmarch2017