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Original poster

I’ve met someone I really like, but red flag

134 replies

Camela · 30/12/2019 12:22

Single for 4 years. Absolutely was not looking for anyone, having lots of fun playing the field and enjoying being on my own.

Then I met someone a month ago and I can absolutely see it going somewhere. We have the same outlook on life, same goals, similar life stages etc etc. But there is one red flag....

He has a “crazy ex”. And I know how this goes. I’m always wary of men who are quick to tell you how their ex is crazy/bitter/a nutter. My ex says the same thing about me! He doesn’t go on about it but he has mentioned her a few times and every time it makes me cringe back.

I mean there is always the possibility she is a crazy ex, but much more likely she isn’t an exception to the rule

Thoughts?

OP posts:
ReanimatedSGB · 30/12/2019 13:36

If she took to drugs after the split, to the point where he was awarded custody of the DC, he may well not be a misogynist. Not all dumped women are saints, and anyone with addiction issues is 'crazy' and probably an unfit parent.

Vanhi · 30/12/2019 13:38

He said he can’t even stand seeing her name.

Well at the very least he is bitter, resentful, and not over his relationship with her. That may be because she was dreadful but even so, is he really ready to move on?

My OH has custody of his DC and his ex is very troubled. This made me wary but he has another more recent ex who is sane and they are still friends. He facilitates a relationship between his DC and their mother. Despite a lot of provocation from her he isn't rude about her.

I'd be wary OP. As pp have said, if she is difficult, you'll be linked to her. Do you want that? OH and I can have plans completely scuppered because his ex lets the DC down yet again and he has to go and pick them up. He's a lovely person and I think he's worth it but it can be difficult, and that's without me having any children to factor in.

Daisy7654 · 30/12/2019 13:39

I'd run fast from a man that got full custody of the kids after she was a SAHM.
It appears extremely manipulative, controlling and all the worst things about male dominance. Horrifying.

MikeUniformMike · 30/12/2019 13:44

I'd say maybe there was a grain of truth in it, but if so, why was he with her long enough to have ''kids'. There may be factors in deciding who gets custody.

It's a red flag.

BlueClockTower · 30/12/2019 13:45

@Ellathechristmasfairy, he’s usually the one to move the conversation on as I don’t engage when he starts talking about her.

He says they had an amicable split but it fell apart 6 mths later when she went off the rails, 2 years on he has the kids. He has her in his phone as “her” which is horrible for the mother of his kids

IMO, this is a massive red flag.

GrumpyMiddleAgedWoman · 30/12/2019 13:46

Rather than just backing off and redirecting, tell him how you feel about the use of the word 'crazy' and see how he reacts.

FWIW, I know a bloke whose wife was a SAHM. She went off the rails, and he got custody of the DC. He's a decent bloke and the situation was not his fault.

Daisy7654 · 30/12/2019 13:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slipperywhensparticus · 30/12/2019 13:47

My ex husbands first wife is a nut and well deserved the name she would wear his clothing after the split (four years after) she told anyone who listened that he was only with me to have babies and then he was going to leave me and go back to her with the baby even though he divorced her and married me and she was engaged to someone else....

Now we have split up he calls me crazy too 🤷‍♀️ I dont think I am but who on here can tell 😂 all I know is nothing of his remains in the house I've redecorated moved on and I wont take his crap this makes me "crazy" in his eyes

category12 · 30/12/2019 13:52

I would take notice, but not necessarily run screaming Smile.

"Her" sounds within reasonable "bad split" territory to me. And he does have the kids. If what he's saying about her going off the rails is true, it would be understandable to have some anger with her.

What's he like with waiting staff? I'd look for other tells, after all, red flags are potential hazards, not certainties.

Vanhi · 30/12/2019 13:55

I'd run fast from a man that got full custody of the kids after she was a SAHM.

Whilst we do live in a patriarchal society replete with poisonous masculinity, it doesn't mean all women in this situation are wronged and all men who get custody are manipulative, controlling and dominant.

If a SAHM fails to get the children to school, doesn't pay bills despite being given maintenance payments, tax credits etc, can't maintain the home and won't accept help from anyone trying to help them, then you have a problem. Yes, you have to be very wary of manipulative men with expensive lawyers who are playing the system. But sometimes the truth is that women are not all angels and some of them are shit at mothering. It's rare and they should be helped but sometimes even with help they won't turn it around.

Often men are given custody because they're manipulative wankers but just sometimes it's because a mother can't or won't cope, and that isn't actually the man's fault either.

category12 · 30/12/2019 14:02

You can also test out how he reacts to no. So say he suggests a date, suggest a different venue or time.

What's he like as a driver?

How does he speak about women generally? How does he speak about his mother?

What are his friends like?

Cheeseboardcriminal · 30/12/2019 14:03

I usually see calling the ex crazy as a warning sign but having said that I do have a 'crazy ex' to the extent I have a restraining order and a nonmolestation order against him. Some people behave really badly when they don't want a relationship to end.

The fact he has custody of the kids gives his opinion some weight in my eyes, I have read the stories up thread but I think they would be the exception rather than the rule and courts don't just remove children from their mother on a whim.

Take it slowly and don't get in too deep.

category12 · 30/12/2019 14:07

How does he speak about other exes?

IdiotInDisguise · 30/12/2019 14:08

I admit it would worry me. Not having a crazy ex but having a crazy ex, who was the primary carer AND someway has lost the kids to him. She has either gone completely out of rails or he is abusive and determined enough to separate mum and her kids.

Smilethoyourheartisbreaking · 30/12/2019 14:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Camela · 30/12/2019 14:12

To answer some questions.

She had a weekend cocaine habit which spiralled out of control and had people in and out of the house when the kids were there.

He’s spoken about other partners but vaguely. Good relationship with his mother. Perfectly polite to waiting staff Grin

OP posts:
Vanhi · 30/12/2019 14:13

How does he speak about other exes?

I have a rule that you're allowed 1 crazy ex. More than that and you have to look at the factor they have in common, i.e. you.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/12/2019 14:20

OK - so I can see more now why he has her in his phone as Her - she put his kids in danger by having who knows who in the house while she was off her face on cocaine (extrapolation but seems likely). Makes sense as to why she lost custody and SS were involved too.

Bloody hell.

Woopdewoop · 30/12/2019 14:20

As a previous poster said, I’d take notice and I’d also be a bit cautious. There is definitely more to know about this situation and what happened. I’d be curious about what the situation is now - contact, any messing about over access, what the children know/talk about their mother.

Just because he’s angry it doesn’t mean he’s not containing emotions in front of DC. My DH has a difficult mother of his son - we’re talking family court for access, non molestation order, anti harassment order and social care. He had no idea she’d behave in this way or control over it. Everyone has history.

You’re only a month in, see what happens.

PumpkinP · 30/12/2019 14:23

Ofcourse women also have ‘crazy exes’ it isn’t just men at all. My ex is crazy and yes I would call him that! He has been sectioned multiple times, turns up at my house at 10pm to “see his kids” told people when he was sectioned that he has a “hit list” and I’m top of it, to the point ss contacted me! (I hadn’t even seen him in well over a year at that point) so yes men can be crazy exes aswell. So there may be truth in what he says.

travellover · 30/12/2019 14:35

Some men DO have crazy ex's! My brothers ex girlfriend was absolutely awful and unhinged, would make out she was pregnant in arguments to worry him (they were still teenagers at the time), forced him to block all female friends he had been pals with for years! That's why if a man ever said to me he has a crazy ex I wouldn't just assume he was the bad one, some girls are mental too Grin

AgentJohnson · 30/12/2019 14:37

It doesn’t sound good and I’d be very wary of this level of bitterness. Then again if I had to have contact with my arsehole of an Ex, I’m not sure if I would stop thinking of him as an arsehole but I hope for my kids sake I wouldn’t verbalise my disgust even when they weren’t in earshot.

I knew a single dad who was very bitter about his crazy Ex (she was very manipulative) but he was also bitter from going from a part time Dad to a fulltime one.

WatchingTheMoon · 30/12/2019 14:41

I'd say either option isn't great really.

A. He's your standard misogynist who calls his exes crazy or

B. He had children with someone who is crazy and therefore shows very poor judgement of character. You will also then be saddled with occasionally dealing with a crazy person who will likely make your life difficult.

Couldn't be arsed with either if I was looking for a serious partner.

RebelWithVerySharpClaws · 30/12/2019 15:07

He is being disrespectful toward the mother of his children. I would proceed with caution.

surlecoup · 30/12/2019 15:11

Assuming she is crazy bear in mind that if your relationship grows then you are stuck with her in your life. I love my partner to bits but his ex is one seriously heavy piece of baggage.
For all those criticising him for having a family with her, good for you that your life has been so uncomplicated that you see things so black and white.

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