I’ve met someone I really like, but red flag

[Camela]

Single for 4 years. Absolutely was not looking for anyone, having lots of fun playing the field and enjoying being on my own.

Then I met someone a month ago and I can absolutely see it going somewhere. We have the same outlook on life, same goals, similar life stages etc etc. But there is one red flag....

He has a “crazy ex”. And I know how this goes. I’m always wary of men who are quick to tell you how their ex is crazy/bitter/a nutter. My ex says the same thing about me! He doesn’t go on about it but he has mentioned her a few times and every time it makes me cringe back.

I mean there is always the possibility she is a crazy ex, but much more likely she isn’t an exception to the rule

Thoughts?

Lots of women here talking about their psycho/narc exes - does the same question not apply? Why were you in a relationship with them if they were so horrible?

Of course they’d point out that things are not as easy as that, and abusive/volatile relationships are complex.

So, it’s exactly the same for this guy.

Not necessarily a red flag.

Sadly a lot of people do experience very bad relationships through no fault of their own. If having a previous partner who made poor choices, used drugs, was violent etc made that person an instant red flag the majority of us would be on our own forever, it’s also victim blaming.

Sometimes new partners do need to know certain things that have happened to us, why we react to certain things in an odd way. But, that doesn’t have to be done in a slagging off way.

As far as the “her” that wouldn’t bother me, my ex when saved in my phone certainly wasn’t saved as his name, after everything he put me through for months over a year later I still don’t think I’d be able to say his name.

Yeah she sounds like a FANTASTIC person, totally sane. We all take cocaine in front of our kids right? Have random strangers round to the house every other night? That's just so normal...

Yeah she's crazy op. She chose drugs over her kids. I'd be calling her far worse if I was him. She's lucky he's allowing two days of contact, she shouldn't even be getting that until she is clean. Disgrace of a 'mother'.

@FenellaVelour due to low self worth.
I used to feel that somebody being kind and considerate and giving to me was too.... intrusive.
Somebody being disapproving, controlling and selfish felt more comfortable.

Is it possible to understand that this is not stupidity?

I have said on mn that my x has npd but i havent said it in real life

I dated someone who I trusted to be a good guy as he had full custody of his daughter. He ended up hitting me and a Clare's law disclosure revealed a catalogue of abuse against women, including his child's mum when she was pregnant.

Is it possible to understand that this is not stupidity?

Yes, absolutely, @Sh0na - but equally we can’t judge the man in the OP’s post for having a relationship which may have been toxic. He shouldn’t be held to different standards. Yet so many people are saying, “if she was crazy why was he in a relationship with her”.
My point is that we ALL should know it’s not that simple.

One of my friends has her ex and kid's dad as "Shitface" on her phone.

That being said, I'd thread carefully and try to find out more. If you do develop a serious relationship with him, it's possible she'll become part of your life and your kids life whether you like it or not.

I went on a date with someone who I liked/would have liked but for the fact that he referred to his ex of three years as crazy and went on about how she awful she was and how she cheated on him etc. As I pointed out it couldn’t have been all bad if they were together three years. His key gripe was that she had two kids and had attempted suicide as if that made her a terrible person and not an ill woman in need of help.

Luckily he ghosted me I think in favour of his hot Latvian ex so the red flags are even clearer

Don’t let the rose-tint make you ignore the red flags. Even if he is utterly genuine, he lacks respect for women and do you really want to be caught up in their drama in any case?