He doesn't love me anymore

[TheGoodNamesWereAlreadyTaken]

Dh and I had an argument last night. After it had calmed down and we were talking he told me that he "loves me but doesn't love me as much as he should" "we've drifted apart" "have different lives"
I agree to an extent about us drifting apart. We don't have much in common and tend to do our own thing and haven t been spending as much time together as we should have been over the last year. But I still love him. It isn't fireworks anymore but I can't imagine my life without him. I expected us to grow old together.
We've been together for 15 years and married for 11 years. We met when we were 17 & 21. We have two children together who are coming upto the teenage years.
We don't have sex often anymore as he is dealing with an ongoing health problem and has been waiting for 3 years for treatment for this.

Is there anyway back from this.

I said to him that marriages need work sometimes. It doesn't always come easy. And feelings do change over time. Just like mine have. But he said it seems inevitable that eventually it will end. It makes me think he doesn't even want to try. He said he'd felt like this for a couple of years now.

Any advice?

He said nothing's happened and I need to calm down. He said we shouldn't bring it up for atleast another week. He needs to get his head together. When he came home he gave me a hug. He said it's not me. It's stuff he's going through and just needs to be left to it.

And what do you think/feel?

Honestly OP I do not know how you haven’t hit him with a blunt instrument. Calm down the fucking cheek of it

It’s AAAALLL about him isn’t it? Well then take him at his word. Don’t bring it up at all & limit any contact to discussions about the DC

I feel numb. But also hurt, scared, angry and like a failure

You’re not the failure. You’re the one trying to be normal. He’s the one changing the goalposts every day. You need to read him the riot act again! He’s being absolutely selfish and horrible.

You’re not a failure. If you are then so am I and lots of other mumsnetters who have been where you are. my exh did similar. I was also 17 when I met him. I’d never been on my own. I was terrified! I was 35 with no kids yet. When marriage was over and he went with an OW I was utterly bereft, grief stricken and thought I cant get over it - I dont want to get over it - I want to go back, but you cant turn back the clock.

I took comfort in friends, kept myself busy and took it one day at a time. Exercise helped with the emotional stress and knot in my tummy. I couldnt eat like you.

You need to look after yourself its all him, him, him! What about you? Drink smoothies, yogurts, soups. You need your strength for your DCs.

You will get through this I know its painful and scary but you will get through it. You actually will realise you have resources and strength you didnt know you had! Find your anger - what gives him the right to treat you like this and keep you hanging on?

@TheGoodNamesWereAlreadyTaken
oh my God you could be telling my story. Just after Christmas 2018 I got the same lines. I have spent the past year trying to help him ‘get the spark back’. It was never going to work. He had moved on in his head long before he decided to tell me.
There is no OW.
We are now separated as of September and in new homes.
He is in a new build and all excited about his ‘new’ things and ‘new’ start.
He loves the kids and is a fab Dad to them (17, 17 and 13)
I have tried to be amicable for their sakes and they are fine.
But we were together 25 years and married 21... he looks through me like I never meant anything. He will help if I need help but it’s like I’m a colleague.
I have fab friends, do regular exercise, enjoy my job and essentially carry on - initially it felt pointless as my best friend was gone.
But perspective is coming. I fell stronger on the good days.

I wish I had had the strength to believe in myself earlier.
You can do this. Everyone who had been through it knows EXACTLY how you feel right now.
Love to you x

It's stuff he's going through and just needs to be left to it.

Do you know how long you're prepared to wait for your life together to improve?

It sounds like you've already lost some time waiting for matters to improve. He mentions 2 years, you indicate that there have been some irregularities (?) for 3 years.

You have little to lose by examining your options and preparing to break up. It's an undeniable heartbreak that your expectations and dreams will not come to pass. It might be an even greater heartbreak to be in the same or a worse position in 5, 10, or 20 years.

I think the worst of it is that you aren't suffering this together. You are at different stages. He's had it all planned out in his head for - who knows how long? He's had chance to mentally separate himself from you, to come to terms with what he wants to happen, to make some plans.

You, on the other hand, are just at the start of it all. You are still trying to regain some kind of normality, whilst his 'new normal' is marching down the road several miles ahead.

Is there any hope? Does anyone have any positive stories. I'm trying to be positive to give it a fighting chance. He does seem to be trying a bit more as of yesterday. Has anyone managed to overcome this and go on to have successful marriages. I just need some hope right now.

Oh OP, I wish I could give you the positive story you want to hear but the truth is that unless you're both working at it, it won't work. And it really doesn't sound like he's trying at all and that he's checked out of the marriage.
But I get it. You don't want to let go because you love him and you can see the value of keeping your family and relationship together.
I was like that when my ex did his "I love you but I'm not in love with you speech." I thought I could save him from his unhappiness and 'fix' the marriage single handedly. It didn't work.
However, I also resented all the people telling me to just file for divorce and be glad I was rid of him. I needed time.
It sounds like he's telling you he needs time so you also need to take that time and think about what you really want. In my case, my ex had moved out and we were taking a break.
My "epiphany" came when I read a poster in a youth club about abusive relationships. I realised I wasn't getting the bare minimum of respect and attention that I deserved and I needed more.
I think you both need time apart and you need to speak to a counsellor about what YOU want and what you're willing to accept.

You can't go on hoping he'll suddenly come to his senses. My ex is still miserable and admits it had nothing to do with the marriage but doesn't understand what to do about it.
So save your hope for yourself and for your DC.

Op, I cannot give you a positive story but can tell you that my dd1 asked her dh to leave in January last year. He was always very moody and she was walking on egg shells trying to keep him on an even keel and making sure he was happy.

He went from one job to another, each one causing him enormous stress and it was always, always about appeasing him even his insistence on having a new baby which my dd really did not want. Her turning point was when his constant misery and moods affected his step son really badly.

I am not saying your dh is like this with the children, but the uncertainty will affect them op and you are having to put so much time into ensuring he is happy.

One year on, she has a new partner who is generous and kind but she does not want to marry again. Her new partner wants to move forward but her experience means she does not. They went for a family day out and they laughed all day without fear of one small wrong word triggering a day of surliness and moods. She cannot believe she did not end things sooner.

I think you to will have a lightbulb moment op. You cannot go on living with the uncertainty and I honestly think you will feel better if he goes and stays gone. No more appeasing or worrying about his happiness.

Her ex is still a miserable git by the way and even asks to borrow money from my dd complaining how skint he is. He will never change.

Even if things did get back on track could you ever trust him again to be saying what he truly means?

If you can your a better women than me.

All I can do is try. He was fine when he came home. We had a nice chat and a bit of a laugh while he ate his dinner. Then one of the kids started playing up and his mood plummeted and he's been in a bad mood since. I do feel like I'm walking on eggshells a bit.

All I can do is try.

Don’t you think it’s him that should be trying? If he wants to repair the damage he should be bending over backwards for you. It’s clear that he isn’t.

Then one of the kids started playing up and his mood plummeted and he's been in a bad mood since. I do feel like I'm walking on eggshells a bit.

Children do play up. However, they also respond to an environment where they are walking on eggshells and were the atmosphere can turn very quickly.

Do you have an idea how much of their childhoods your children should spend in an environment like this until their parents resolve the issues between them?

I agree with the PP who wrote: You cannot go on living with the uncertainty.

I bet you dashed in to try to make DC happy so that your DH wasn't affected, didn't you? And I bet you cooked his dinner...

You can't keep the DC quiet, out of the way and chuckling like permanently happy children 24/7, children play up. It's what they do. How was he in the past when the DC played up, before all this blew up? Did he get 'moody' or did he help to sort out issues?

Be careful he's not turning you into a 1950's wife, where the children must be bathed and put to bed before daddy comes home to his meal on the table and warm slippers by the fire.

Yes I did try to sort them out asap. And yes I did cook his dinner. But I usually cook his dinner as he works long hours and is usually home late. I only work part time.
We have always dealt with them together if he has been here. Usually it's just me as he is only here in the evenings. We both get equally stressed with them when they played up.

How are you holding up OP?

Tbh I would look for the other woman and I think if you find one, she'll be married. It sounds as though he's conflicted as to what to do. He's resentful that he's got to be at home, but he doesn't have another place to go to.

It's a horrible position for you to be in.

I'm ok. It's all I can think about still though. I'm still not eating very well. Literally forcing myself to eat a meal a day. I've opted for very low cal ones. I'm not sure how I'm still functioning. My friend thinks I'm heading for a breakdown.
Things between us have relaxed somewhat. But there is still a giant elephant in the room though. Everything feels forced. Myself included.
I mean. He's still "trying to get his head together" does that mean that in one week, one month, 6 months, 2 years. My world will all come crashing down?

Usually on a Friday I would be upstairs with a bottle of wine. He would be downstairs with a beer or 2 and we wouldn't really see eachother.
We're watching a film with a bottle of wine tonight. Can't think What else to do. I'm hoping the way we have been has just caused us to feel distant and the more time we spend together will help us bond again.

You're doing ok. One meal a day is something at least but you do nerd to take care of yourself.
Limbo is horrible. What about setting a timescale in your head and sticking to it? If he hasn't "got his head together" by a certain point then you show him the door. Again.
Focus on what you need from the relationship and if you're not getting that - then it's not good enough.

Interested in this thread as I am going though a very similar thing. What I don't get is why do we not do the pick me dance? Surely I want him to pick me and not the other woman? Thanks in advance x

Because you should be with someone who loves you and is faithful to you in everyday life, when you’re being you. You shouldn’t have to be a Stepforth wife, acting like Mrs Perfect all the time. HE is the one misbehaving- HE is the one that should be repairing the damage. You can’t make someone love you if they don’t.

Wow @honeyroar thank you. I never thought of it like that. I am trying to save my marriage of 18 years with 2 teens. And I was thinking what I have I done wrong and what can I do to make him want me again. But you are right, I deserve more.@ thegoodnameswerealreadytaken I hope you are doing OK. I have followed your thread from the start and it really mirrors my story. Husband has decided he doesn't want to be with me, but wants to stay friendly because of the kids. He says no affairs, but I thinking an emotional one has stated even if not physical yet. So hard, thinking of you (and me) x