He doesn't love me anymore

[TheGoodNamesWereAlreadyTaken]

Dh and I had an argument last night. After it had calmed down and we were talking he told me that he "loves me but doesn't love me as much as he should" "we've drifted apart" "have different lives"
I agree to an extent about us drifting apart. We don't have much in common and tend to do our own thing and haven t been spending as much time together as we should have been over the last year. But I still love him. It isn't fireworks anymore but I can't imagine my life without him. I expected us to grow old together.
We've been together for 15 years and married for 11 years. We met when we were 17 & 21. We have two children together who are coming upto the teenage years.
We don't have sex often anymore as he is dealing with an ongoing health problem and has been waiting for 3 years for treatment for this.

Is there anyway back from this.

I said to him that marriages need work sometimes. It doesn't always come easy. And feelings do change over time. Just like mine have. But he said it seems inevitable that eventually it will end. It makes me think he doesn't even want to try. He said he'd felt like this for a couple of years now.

Any advice?

If he really wanted to put in the effort he wouldn’t be going out to dinner without you on Saturday. He could easily cancel even if he’s already paid for it. Take this as an example of just how little he is prepared to do to mend this.

OP. You say you can't just sit back and hope for the best. You're completely correct. You need to tell him you won't tolerate being treated like this and he needs to pack up and leave.

He needs to believe, really believe that you don't need him and maybe he will realise he can't mess you around.

Or when you start to stand up for yourself, take control you'll start to realise how much better you feel when you're calling the shots, you're in control of your life and you won't be lied to and pulled around to suit his whim. It's the irony of the whole 180. When they realise they've pushed you too far and you really will not tolerate them, it's usually too late because you start to believe it too.

@Rula24 in the nicest possible way, it would be good to post your question on a new thread in relationships. Then people will respond to your specific situation.

Im sorry OP but I think if he was genuinely trying to work on the marriage he wouldnt be bothering going out Saturday with some work chums.

I would confide and get some support from your friends as I think you will be needing it .. my heart breaks for you as I have been where you are. I survived though and found happiness again and so will you.

I'm looking into counselling. Depends whether he is on board though. He isn't the type to talk about his feelings.
The kids are back at school now. He always rings me in the morning from work when they're at school for a chat. He just always has. And was as recent as until he said what he said. No phone calls the last two days while I've been off and the kids have been at school. I asked him why yesterday. He said he was really busy. But he's always been busy.

Please OP, please don't do the pick me dance

If he was genuinely willing to work on your relationship he’d go to counselling with you but from everything you’ve said it’s just a long line of reasons why he isn’t going to actually DO anything. Oh sure he’ll keep saying he’s willing to work on it but words are cheap.

@TheGoodNamesWereAlreadyTaken I know it’s really hard but you can’t make this work on your own and if he’s not willing to actually act rather than talk then there isn’t much hope :( I’m sorry

No phone calls the last two days while I've been off
And this is supposed to be him making an effort.
He's not is he?
He is going through the motions until he says that he tried but that the feelings haven't come back and he doesn't want to be with you any more.
He just doesn't want to be the bad guy.
But he IS the bad guy.
Please wake up and smell the coffee OP!
I'm begging you!!!!

I'm looking into counselling. Depends whether he is on board though. He isn't the type to talk about his feelings

Mine isn't either but I told him he either comes to counselling or we're over. You have to mean it though. I did. He did come to counselling, but if he hadn't then I would have ended it. I knew if he couldn't even be arsed to make that effort then I was done.

You see you feel fear of him leaving. He doesn't. He feels fear of staying.

You need to act like this is the end and start looking at what next. So see a solicitor. Inform yourself. Decide what you'd like a divorce to look like in terms of the kids etc.

You'll be faking it but it will help you. I promise. Stop chasing him. Let him chase you. Or he will leave.

He said he's angry he came back too soon. He didn't have time to think. He's trying to think while he's at home and it's hard. I don't know what he's thinking about. It's as if he's at war with himself.
I've mentioned booking a holiday as we haven't been on one in years. We used to book in January so thought I'd mention it. He said we will but not right now. The other day I mentioned we book a break away for just us to Amsterdam. We've always meant to go but haven't yet. He seemed completely disinterested.

Oh op.

I tried all this four years ago against all the advice on here. Needless to say it didn’t work and I do so wish I’d chucked him out when he first uttered those words.

Please try to listen to the posters above. I know it’s so hard. I was just absolutely devastated. Awful feeling

In that case he needs to leave again - why is he 'angry' for coming back too soon? You didn't force him. He's angry because he's still not sure what he wants, but he came back because he could see you were about to reach the end of your tether with him messing you about. I'm sorry I know you don't want him to leave but honestly, can it be worse than the current situation? Being in the same house as him agonising over what he's thinking? I've been where you are and it's a miserable existence.

As for booking a holiday - I think you're wanting to do that because a holiday would be later in the year - so by getting him to book a holiday, you're getting him to commit to still being together in a few months time. I'm not getting at you at all, I just know how your thought process is working right now because I was in this exact situation last year. Honestly, don't do it. You don't think you're doing the pick me dance but you are.

The best thing you can do right now is say to him "You clearly still don't know what you want and so the current situation as it stands isn't fair on either of us, so I'd like you to leave so we can have some space to think things over". I know the thought of it breaks your heart and in your position last year, I didn't want to either. But it's the only way. And it may be that after some proper space, he DOES realise he wants to fix things with you. Or it may be that he decides he's done and he wants to separate. As awful as that sounds, at least you will have your answer rather than this awful limbo

He said he's trying. It doesn't feel like he is. I don't know how much longer I can carry on like this.
I keep thinking if I be the best I can be and make his life as good as possible and give him amazing sex. When/if he does leave he will eventually miss me.
I never thought I would be like this

Nobody knows how they will behave in such circumstances, OP. We all just hope we never have to find out.

If I were you I'd lose my shit with him, big time. Tell him to fuck off back to his miserable lonely existence at his Dad's and stop dragging you and the kids into his anger. It's not your fault that he feels like this and you shouldn't be made to suffer.

If he really wants to go, then any amount of good sex and Stepford Wife won't keep him, or make him miss you. It will just make you feel even more rubbish.

Oh OP.

It is likely that he is arguing with himself. He will be fighting feeling utter guilt towards you and your children V's wanting to be with his 'other women'. I'm so sorry.

As others have said, please stop doing the pick me dance. Once he has gone (and he will go) this will leave you humiliated and feeling even more vulnerable.

Im so sorry he is doing this to you and your children.

He said he's trying. It doesn't feel like he is

Read that again. And again. He can SAY anything, but it's his actions you need to listen to. He can say he's trying all he wants but if he's not then he's not. And that's your answer.

I keep thinking if I be the best I can be and make his life as good as possible and give him amazing sex. When/if he does leave he will eventually miss me

I'm so sorry for you. Honestly, a year ago I could have written this myself. I did everything for him. I cleaned up after him, cooked all his dinners, had lots of sex I didn't really feel like having, I was the perfect wife. I was actually really quite pathetic. And you know what? It doesn't help. Like @Zaphodsotherhead says, all it does is make you feel even more shit.

It took me far too long, but I eventually realised I was being a complete and utter mug and that actually I was worth more and deserved better. I finally said enough, and told him to leave. I was utterly heartbroken but honestly it needs to be done, these situations will never turn out well. You can't keep up the stepford wife act forever and be truly happy. It won't make him love you.

As I mentioned upthread - we are together now, he wanted to come back, said he'd truly realised what a twat he'd been, he's made changes to improve his mental health and puts more effort in. But had he not come back, then that would have been my answer. Or if he'd come back but not bothered making effort (basically what your H is doing now) - again, that would have been my answer.

You are worth so much more than you believe right now, I promise you. And no matter how this turns out in the end, you WILL be ok. But you can't allow yourself to be tortured like this. I wish I could give you a hug x

I think he needs to leave ... its painful I know, but it has to be better that this turmoil you must be in right now. The ‘waiting for him to decide’ must be torture. He has decided he just doesnt know how to tell you. If he really wanted to try and make it work he would be making an effort and he wouldnt be angry....

I know he needs to leave. But it hurt so much. I felt so alone. I've been with him since I was 17. I've never been on my own. I worry he will leave and never come back. He's depressed with life in general. He's been ill. He hates his job. We have no money. The kids can be little shits. Life is stressful. I don't want him to think that the problem is us when it is all these other things.
I don't think anyone else will want me. I've been low and if he leaves my self esteem will plummet and I will spend the rest of my life alone.
I feel like I'm going to lose it. I can't cope with this.

You’ve got to concentrate on yourself. Book counselling for yourself anyway. My heart breaks for you reading your posts- you were starting to sound stronger while he was gone, but it sounds like he’s sucking the life out of you. You can’t bend over backwards for someone, trying to be Mrs Perfect, if he’s not remotely trying for you. It will drive you crazy.

OP, really sorry you are going through this. I am in the same boat at the moment. My DH has said the same thing to me on and off for a few months. He says it, but doesn't have the balls to leave.

I have a thread on here and it is quite pathetic. Having said that though, every day I see my DC are stressed and upset and I feel a little less love for him. I actually think it is possible that once the shock of a split was over, I wouldn't care. TBH, I have been a single parent for so long, I have been lonely for so long, I have had affection withheld for so long that I don't think I am going to notice if he is not around. In fact, I can do what I like and not have to listen to his criticism.

Luckily the kids think everything is fine. They thought we had a row. He left to stay at his dad's and now everything is amazing again. They keep telling me to eat. I've found myself lying to them. I went to my friends last night and said I had pizza there. I have literally eaten 3 things in 9 days. Not sure how I'm not dead. But hey. I have plenty of fat reserves to keep me going. I just can't face it. I'm not even hungry and I'm always hungry. Dh bugged me to eat something tonight so I forced myself to and now I just feel sick. He even told me not to do anything stupid like throw it up. I'm not going to. I know it will do me good. It was only a 250cal ready meal. I made him a steak dinner and poured him a beer as I'm such a pathetic dickhead..

I dreaded mine leaving for two years of the toing and froing

When he finally left if it good I actually felt so much better than o thought I would! The children were happier, I was happier. And because I was lonely when they were at his at weekends I went online dating and met someone so lovely! And I’m much older than you. So don’t despair: life can be good again

If I only ever say one thing that someone listens to it will be this. YOU ARE NEVER RESPONSIBLE FOR A MANS BEHAVIOUR. HE IS AWARE OF WHAT HE IS DOING AND HE CHOOSES TO DO IT. Now, bearing this in mind, would you accept this behaviour and uncertainty and state of limbo from any other person on this planet. If the answer is no. State your expectations clearly. If he wants the same things he will work towards achieving them. If not cut him loose.

He is not being fair. He either wants to stay or he doesn't.

I wish you'd throw him out. This is wearing away every bit of self-esteem and confidence you've got.