He doesn't love me anymore

[TheGoodNamesWereAlreadyTaken]

Dh and I had an argument last night. After it had calmed down and we were talking he told me that he "loves me but doesn't love me as much as he should" "we've drifted apart" "have different lives"
I agree to an extent about us drifting apart. We don't have much in common and tend to do our own thing and haven t been spending as much time together as we should have been over the last year. But I still love him. It isn't fireworks anymore but I can't imagine my life without him. I expected us to grow old together.
We've been together for 15 years and married for 11 years. We met when we were 17 & 21. We have two children together who are coming upto the teenage years.
We don't have sex often anymore as he is dealing with an ongoing health problem and has been waiting for 3 years for treatment for this.

Is there anyway back from this.

I said to him that marriages need work sometimes. It doesn't always come easy. And feelings do change over time. Just like mine have. But he said it seems inevitable that eventually it will end. It makes me think he doesn't even want to try. He said he'd felt like this for a couple of years now.

Any advice?

Couples counselling might help, but it can't turn feelings back on if they've gone. Can help people separate with respect though.
This. I would try counselling, if for no other reason than to explore how you got where you are, and how you both feel about it, and what the way forward may be.

Try (both of you) reading the book "I love you but I'm not in love with you" by Andrew G Marshall; and "Mating in captivity" by Esther Perel. They may not solve your issues, but it's worth trying.

Google "saving my relationship" or similar - there will be loads of advice eg date nights, general physical affection (eg holding hands), sex advice etc.

To me, romantic love is like a spell - and once the spell is broken, it is very difficult (and often impossible) to get it back. But if you both want it to happen, you've got a better chance.

I’d say don’t bother with any reading except chump lady and make yourself able to function without him.

I read everything, listened to everything, tried everything: all pointless

Thinking of you OP

Thank you everyone for your thought and advice.
He's still here. Constantly walking round like a bear with a sore head.
He went out last night. Nothing on social media. From him or the "other 13 people" that were apparently there. Which I find odd.
He's acting like he is angry at me today. Like I have done something awful to him or wronged him in some way. Maybe he never loved me.
It was me that wanted kids. He happily obliged. Then it was suggested we get married. So we did. But things have always been good. And he has always felt like home. My safe space. My partner.
He's acting heartbroken. But I haven't broken his heart. He has a loving family who adore him. He has everything. I may not be perfect. But neither is he. But we've always been a team. I just don't understand.

Its so hard as I suspect he is becoming someone you dont recognise? But he cant keep doing this its not fair to you. Can he go away on a holiday to work it out? You need to think about yourself here. Do you want to carry on living in this limbo? I suspect his head has been turned and its the guilt making him angry with you...

So things have become less strained over the last week apart from a few emotional wobbles by myself.
The other day it became apparent ans he agreed he was depressed. He said he feels unhappy about everything (which basically amounts to me and work) as he said his feelings havent changed for the kids. He's felt this way for a few months but has felt worse during the last month.
I booked him an appointment and he went to the doctor today. Who has ordered blood tests as he is really tired and has been feeling faint/dizzy at times.
He also gave him some numbers to ring about the low mood etc. Which he didn't contact despite being given them this morning.
Before, we were cuddling in bed before we went to sleep (at my instigation obvs) I asked him if he was feeling any better about us. He said he felt the same. He said "I know I'm being unfair on you but I can't help the way I'm feeling. I'm only human" then telling me to stop with the questions. But all I have are questions.
Then he pulled away so I left. He followed me downstairs and said He didn't want to end the night this way and tried to hug me. I said what's the point. "I don't wanna hug someone who doesn't want to hug me." A pity hug if you will. He said "you can't love someone if you don't love yourself" before storming off back to bed.
I feel like I've already lost him and there's no point. I've been doing everything around the house/for the kids/him. He said he's noticed this and knows I'm trying my best.

Ive tried to keep it together. But on my days off when no one has been here ive just spent in bed. Unable to move. Unable to function. We haven't dtd since Saturday morning. He hasn't wanted to and keeps making excuses.

OP this is heartbreaking.

Please please take a step back. It’s you that is doing all the work here not him. It’s you that is putting in all the effort here not him.

you made his dr appointment, you do everything around the house you try to instigate sex and affection you ask how he’s feeling

What about you ??

You’re trying to be the perfect wife in the hope he won’t leave. I’ve been there (though we weren’t married). No matter what I did it wasn’t enough. It was too late. I was desperately trying to cling on because he was my world and I adored him. When he finally ended it I felt so utterly heartbroken but in a weird way i felt relieved that I was no longer walking around on egg shells full of anxiety and sickness not knowing whether I’d Be rejected or what mood he’d be in. He was also depressed. He worked on himself and a year later we ended up back together.

Before anything improves with your marriage things have to improve with him, and he’s not doing that is he. He only went to the dr because you made the appointment. He’s got the numbers to call but he’s not bothering to.

He’s taking the absolute piss out of you. Please take some control and don’t let him do this to you. I hate telling people what to do on here because unlike the OP I don’t have to live the reality of their actions but honestly - you need to let him go. He doesn’t want to be there.

I’m sorry OP I know how how horrible it iss

Agree with the above.
I know it’a hard, I know you are trying to keep your family together but if it’s all one sided it’s not going to work.

So, if we take the best case scenario, and he's depressed - wouldn't he be better taking time away, back at his Dad's, to work on himself? To work out what he'd miss about being married, how he feels about life in general - attend some counselling, maybe try some AD's?

Forcing him to participate in married life isn't doing either of you any good. He's either depressed and needs some space or he's fallen out of love with you and you need to get him gone.

Please don't work yourself into a state trying to be Mrs Perfect. It's already having a detrimental effect on YOUR MH. You might think you are happier with him there, but are you? Or is it just that you can monitor his behaviour? Make him leave. He will either sort himself out or he won't. And then you'll know.

I think he’s had his head turned by someone he works with.
He feels guilty, that’s why he is home, but still unhappy.

The walk, that day when he doesn’t usually, was a phone cal, or texts to someone else.

You are going to be I’ll.

Step back, and however hard it is, as you are left with the kids as usual to look after, start thinking about your self and prepare yourself.

See to the kids, and leave them for him to look after, and visit a good friend or family.

You need to calm yourself .
He is thinking of his needs and what he’s going to do next.
Prepare yourself mentally as much as you can.

Don’t let it be a shock, if he moves out again, do things to make your life easier.
So what if you’ve put weight on, you can lose a little, when this current stress lessens.

Just try and prepare yourself for him going, and blaming you for everything.

It’s not you though, it is him

And you trying to do everything NowTV please him, will just make you miserable.

He will do what he wants. Get on with your life, don’t wait for this to happen

Thinking of you OP. How you doing?

F.
Hope you are OK OP - as someone who was in your position a year ago and wasted 12 months on trying to change his mind....
Put yourself and the kids first, let him go.The harder you try the further he will run.

@sio

*@SilverPinkDaisies I think he’s had his head turned by someone he works with.
He feels guilty, that’s why he is home, but still unhappy.

The walk, that day when he doesn’t usually, was a phone cal, or texts to someone else.*

You even checked his phone and found flirty text to a female work colleague - thats you're ow - emotional affair.

And the other night when he went out with 13 others but no social media photos - out with ow - all red flags.

He loves you - kids , history , safe.

But ow represents new and sparkly- excitement

This is confusion.

I think if you factor this into his behaviour it will all start to make sense.

And yes you're good enough
And no the ow is not better than you (in fact you'd be shocked if you saw her)

He is following the script and depression is very often involved.

He is deep in the emotional affair fog.

Listen to what pp are saying.

Be bright and breezy BUT until he raises he could loose you and his nice comfortable life he will continue this double life - cake eating.

Be kind but firm.

Send him back to his dads so can think (cake eat)

Then when he realises the grass is not greener start courting BUT do not let him move back - or sleep with him.

Then IF he starts ti meet you half way ..... well then it's one day at a time.

In the mean time start to build yourself up.

@FiveStoryFire Pointless scaremongering. People's feeling change. They develop into different people, especially if they got together at such a young age.

Well you were all right. He told me tonight it was over. He doesn't love me. Sees me more as a friend. He said he's tried and will try for another week or so but can't try for 6 months. He doesn't want to try. I already knew this. Beyond devastated but knew it was coming. Just thought I had more time to make things better.

@TheGoodNames
So sorry.
Been there.
There are no words for that bombshell, thinking of you x

Don’t let him ‘try’ for another week or so. That’s absolutely ridiculous. Tell him to leave now. Anything else is just torturing you.

OP, google "The Goodbye Hug".

He's a self absorbed bellend.

He said we've been living seperate lives. When we were my in bed at night he couldn't sleep as it was like I was a stranger and he felt dead emotionally.

I’m so sorry. Don’t give him a week. Don’t let him toy with you anymore. I know right now the pain is horrendous but you will get through this.

Ridiculous
Talking out his backside.
Tell him to leave now.
You are not a charity.
You deserve better.
You will thrive abs meet someone better while he will become further delusional with life and beg to come back.

This happens nearly every Single time

I'm sorry this has happened to you. He's been dragging this out for weeks now.
Get him out today. I know you're devastated but you will get over it in time.
Don't let him keep you hanging on a minute longer , find your anger and don't let him mess you about anymore.

Do something good for yourself today op and ask him to leave

So now please go back to the start of the thread and start taking our advice.
This is The Script.
He's rewriting history.
He's a cheat op.
Trust us on that.
Don't be anybody's charity.
Stop being his fool.
Pack his shit up today.
Find some self respect and tell him to fuck off.