Dating thread 178 - where we launch into the new year with new hopes

[NoMoreWeepingAndWanking]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@bangheadhere40 not long. A couple of days maybe when they start to miss me and realise they want to see me. I've found they then try and organise something ahead of when we night otherwise have seen each other. Difficult when childcare is involved. It worked for me as I need to know the interest is there and I'm not driving it. Same with the first message of the day.

@TigerDater if it's all good and the L word is being used what stops this from being a relationship? Could you not see this becoming one?

So, despite me nearing 50, I apparently have a boyfriend!! 😱😂

@Notcoolmum

Same with me, I need to know there is interest there. So he is always sending me the first message etc....we saw eachother yesterday, so I'm not sure when the topic of doing it again should be breached. I mentioned saturday when I was there but he has his kids, so I didn't suggest anything else, and will wait for him to.

not saturday - wednesday

@tiger , why end it if you like him?

@bangheadhere40 I'd do the same. You made a suggestion he couldn't make so his turn to suggest. He will definitely want to see you.

I hope so! So strange, when I wasn't bothered about him so much after the first date I didn't mind any way or the other, and told him I couldn't make certain days. Now I like him I am turning into the person waiting for a text!

I think I need to just relax a bit.

Him deleting tinder and saying there is no point is a good sign....and he has done that. x

Why wouldn’t it work tiger?

FWB is a minefield I really wont be doing it again.

salty how often do you want to see a FWB?

Hope you’re ok kermit

Breakfast in bed update from Mr Curls bed after our first overnight...
OHMYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGOD
Never before have I been so utterly and completely sure. I feel a bit like Kermit in that I have met my soulmate. I've known him 2 weeks!

After pimping my profile, I’ve had a few more matches on Bumble but no one who really blows my socks off. Tinder not so successful though. I also signed up to PoF last night but so far the only women interested are spammers :-/

Also really struggling with what to do about Miss Confusing. Most of my friends are saying just leave her be and wait at least 3/4 weeks for her to get in touch (if she ever does). But I’m fighting the urge to send her a light-hearted message now. My logic for that is that she’s depressed, and usually it’s been me who gets in touch first so she might just be someone who doesn’t like messaging first. She replied straight away the last time we spoke at New Year, and it was referring to a gift I’d bought her so nice and friendly. But then no reference to me saying I’d like to meet in the new year.

And reading some of the posts here about waiting for the guy to get in touch make me think that just leaving her may make things worse. Grrr - this is tough!

Anyway, I’ve made a big step and booked an appointment with a therapist to look at why I get so anxious and attached so quickly. New year, new me!

@cat it is tough, I get confused with all the playing it cool ( if that is what it is), I would rather just be direct and know where I am at. Wouldn't it be easier to skip this whole 'dating' stage!

I can't understand with Mr Smile how keen his is, yet doesn't pin me down for another date.

Also, opinions please on age. I am 38 and Mr Smile is 52, doesn't look it or act it though, looks younger. Is this workable?

I would leave Miss Confusing @TheCatWithTheHat

Also I am dying to know if we have another thread pregnancy @kermitrulesok

I also have this anxious attachment thing going on, been reading about it and it is me. I can see it's sabotaged previous relationships, so I don't want to do it this time.

@bangheadhere40 age is just a number and if he looks/acts younger than his age and you both enjoy each other’s company then why not!

As for the game playing - I read some advice last night that says women get turned off if a guy acts insecure and pushes for more commitment (I.e., exactly what I did) so the best way to turn this around is to just give her space so she misses you, and realises you are willing to walk away. Not sure if that’s just rubbish, but it makes some sense to me. My idea of space is leaving her for 2 days, but it seems 2-4 weeks is how long I should leave her for.

However I then try to convince myself that she might be waiting and wondering why I’ve not been in touch. Not sure if normal dating “rules” still apply when the other person is insecure and depressed?

@cat I am quite insecure and the usual waiting around wouldn't work for me, as I would take it as a lack of interest. Some women who are more secure may prefer it though.

Some people aren’t put off by insecurity I don’t think and they are sympathetic but it’s the difference between being actually played for a fool and someone who is just not great at planning. Bang yours may well think he’s locked you down with the exclusive chat so no need to keep you as keen. This is a clever move if he is generally a lazy, last minute Martin type 😂

Cat I think your Miss Confusing is a lost cause 😂 I don’t think it’s you or what you have done, but either she’s in a bad place or this is just what she is like. Flakey and unsure of what she wants. You don’t want to be a fallback guy to her. And she’s got you tied in knots wondering what you could do better or differently - when I don’t think you can. It’s good enough to say to someone ‘I like you’ and you don’t need to keep trying.

I’m an avoidant and I tell you why and how to spot an avoidant. They usually have a lot going on in their life. They may tell you that they feel tired a lot. They may tell you that they feel like they take care of everyone else, but no one takes care of them so they are super independent. This is usually not an invite to step up and be the one who does take care of them, it’s a warning - don’t ask me for too much

@menora great point below, thanks this could be it if he is lazy!

Some people aren’t put off by insecurity I don’t think and they are sympathetic but it’s the difference between being actually played for a fool and someone who is just not great at planning. Bang yours may well think he’s locked you down with the exclusive chat so no need to keep you as keen. This is a clever move if he is generally a lazy, last minute Martin type 😂

@TheCatWithTheHat

Some women like push-pull where they can push you away and then pull you back in
This is unhealthy though

A healthy RS looks like - neither person is sitting paranoid about how the other is feeling or doing. Some people trigger your insecurity and you can’t work out why. But don’t go chasing after someone who has made it really clear they aren’t emotionally available to you

Might be time to draw a line under it, either way, cat. Send her a message and see what happens?

It's a bigger age gap than I've experienced, bang, but if you're both happy together it doesn't matter.

Some of you might remember that I have been keeping my dating private from my DC, but it transpires that my 16yo DD has had her suspicions for some time, having overheard late night snippets of conversations with Mr G from time to time. We had a chat last night and although she feels a bit odd she is mostly ok with it and enjoyed learning more about him and his kids. She likes that he is American, she is already keen to meet his kids and is supportive of me dating him. 😂 It was a big deal for me to have her approval, so I'm happy today. Obviously it's still very early days, and I don't intend for my DC to meet him for several more months, but it is a good start.

Bang just watch his space. He is all words right now and not the action. I think a lot of men are keen to take women out of the dating pool so they won’t get the chance to see other men because it’s much harder for men to get the interest of women. So makes sense they want to lock you in fast but then their natural lazy ways shine through.
Saying this I think Mr Moving’s main motivation was to keep me away from the other men he was keen from day 1 to know how many messages I was getting and the level of interest.

So don’t let him make you feel insecure - he started this off by locking you into exclusive, but you hold the cards because you can change your mind at any time!

Morning all
Does anyone else think there is starting to be quite a lot of generalisation happening here? I don't think we should speak more from our own experience...

Yeah probably. Sorry I will back out. I’m not dating right now anyway so I will come back to the thread another time

Good luck to you all

@menora, he didn't lock me in as such, he told me he had deleted his as there was no need for him to have it as he has met me and likes me. I then said separately I think I will delete mine.

Let's hope he isn't all talk here, I just worry he may be wanting me to make plans as the last 2 times it has all been around my kids.