Dating thread 178 - where we launch into the new year with new hopes

[NoMoreWeepingAndWanking]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Just on my lunch break so trying to catch up but wanted to say to @NoMoreWeepingAndWanking and @shitwithsugaron wow you are both doing amazing! After having a rubbish time you're both cracking on with it and it's great, I do honestly think the apps are a good distraction.

I keep thinking of FWB and things that remind me of him are frustrating. I'm fine but I'm still so sad at the thought of never speaking to him again. I keep thinking I'm stupid for feeling this way but when I stop and think about it it's the first time in my life I've been properly heartbroken. It's always been me who ended relationships in the past and even if other situations hadn't gone the way I hoped, they were silly teenage things where I wasn't that close to them anyway. FWB spoke literally all the time and had sex countless times so I did feel close to him. I'm resigned to it all but I'm understanding now why it's been hard.

So I have maybe three irons?

Mr Rugby- gorgeous, fit body, 22, sees intelligent. He's only looking for FWB so this could be a good option for me. He sees confident and very kinky so all the better.

Mr Wings- very good looking, fit body, 22, doesn't seem perhaps quite so confident. This is somebody that I've matched with a few times over the past year so we will see if anything comes this time. Also FWB potential.

Mr Red- another one I've matched on and off with over a year and have spoken to. Very good looking in photos. Kinky- absolute filth from what I remember him saying in the past 😂 I'm just not sure if it's a good idea to meet him. Dunno why. Spidey senses?

Trust the Spidey senses

Marl pleather jeans sound great. I like the date outfit discussions as I'm rubbish at thinking what to wear (even though I'm just going out with Mr BC rather than first OLD dates!).

I'm trying to be sensitive but it is hard because it made me feel a bit shit. He obviously had a very happy marriage (he's a lovely guy, very thoughtful and caring). And I had such a shit one - it really made me feel sad that I put up with that for so long and didn't marry someone who adored me. There are barely any photos of me and ex in existence and there were never any in our house. I don't know, it just made me feel not worthy. Anyway, lots of material for counselling tonight ...

Hi Batshit, that number of photos really does sound unnerving! When my ex died, I kept one really nice photo on the side in the living room. Having now moved, I’ve decided no photos on display, I have lots of lovely memories and photos I can look back on if I need to. He wasn’t my kids dad, so maybe that helps too.

However I did date a widower last year. At first I thought it would be a good idea because we had both experienced losing a partner and we “got” how it was for each other. He also had one grown up child living at home (not the family home, as he had moved) and said early on that she didn’t want to meet me and he was quite upfront in saying that I could never stay over at his until she moved out. But his new house was also a shrine, there were photos everywhere (not above the bed though) and it put me off massively. I just felt that he hadn’t really grieved properly and that it was way too soon for him to be dating despite what he was saying to the contrary. I didn’t raise the issue of the photos per se but it was an issue for me.

Tigsy do I know you from previous threads?

It was overwhelming but I get the sense that it's the SDC - as they are adults they are able to actually put photos up, arrange them etc in a way that small children can't. I will speak to him about it when he's over at mine (and after I've had a counselling session!!). I can't let it fester ...

Possibly! Been on MN for 8 years? And know quite a few MNetters in RL too

@BatshitCrazyWoman i know not quite the same but my FWB was completely besotted with his best friend who he was also FWB with. She died a few years back and when we met, he wasn't looking for more than friendship but things then moved on for us. However he has her picture in his room, on his desk at work and a few months ago, was crying over her. I was upset though didn't really have a right to say anything as we are just FWBs. I just left him to it really and I think Mr BC will soon realise those pics will be enough to put any woman off let alone someone like you who he is clearly crazy about. As far as I'm concerned, I think if you want to give me up for dreams of a woman who is long gone and didn't treat him well when she was alive, so be it. And I've told him such.

@BatshitCrazyWoman I think it really must be because if the SDC- after what they've been through he probably doesn't want to cause them further pain I would say. Very very difficult for you but I think gently bringing it up is in both of your interests.

Really difficult all round 💐

Three years isn't a short amount of time though. I know you said Mr BC knows his own mind but surely he could begin to show to his kids that he's beginning to move on. Gently of course.

Sorry her kids. They are adults

Aagh I thought I'd fixed that. His stepkids.

I agree, that's far too much hard work already.

Oh @shitwithsugaron he sounds tedious. I'd not bother.

I wouldn't bother either @shitwithsugaron. If he were keen he'd have jumped at a coffee, whether he drinks it or not!

@shitwithsugaron I think the ones like that are the ones who will definitely cancel on you or go quiet.

This is what pisses me off most about OLD- just trying to get on a date sometimes feels bloody impossible

Another vote for passing that gem up shitwith

Defo pass shitwith

Even a moment spent in the company of someone so dull would be torture shitwith!

Had a catfish/scammer today, and not a clever one. Literally asked straight out if I was a single mum living alone. Reported, but it’s a bit depressing isn’t it?

You deserve someone who'll make an effort @shitwithsugaron.

Ok so Mr Rugby and I may have a date planned on Sunday. I wouldn't be surprised if he pulls out though. So this one is just for a drink but the suggestion between us is we could try FWB. He's not looking for relationship and I'm wondering if it could suit me quite well at the moment tbh. It's no pressure is it, it's nice to not be building up hopes and having expectations. I spent the last six months hoping beyond hope that things would develop with FWB. If I started seeing someone properly, ended up falling for them and then they ended it, I don't think I could handle that right now.

And yeah this one is 22 with abs to die for 😂

Thanks for the clothing advice. I might do a trying on sesh and post when the kids go to bed 😂

Personally I am not one for fwb which may be why I don't seem to have much luck with old I don't know. I get so fed up of everyone else having a husband seemingly and not me, my attitude is when everyone starts wittering on about their husbands 'and where the f**k is mine?!' it's noticeably quieter on match today, you can tell they've all gone back to work today

@Stillsexystillsingle I'm giving fwb a go with this guy I'd be does go ahead with it. Ifs not what I want but I can't have what I want and I have to find ways of moving on. It's not helping being so lonely and I think sex with someone really fit would cheer me up:

Right everyone hit me with your rules for FB/FWB. No feelings obviously

I have no irons to report. I do hope you are all having fun

Mr Moving messaged me on SM (we are not friends in the first place on there) basically saying he has totally thought about what I said, he takes it all on board, he is begging for another chance and he will change. He also said he was feeling shit about what happened with his DC on NY and took it out on me. He DOES trust me after all. Like magic

I have not replied and not going to

None of that was what I was saying to him anyway. I knew he would blame the thing with his DC on his behaviour, but that’s the issue. I would never project my feelings like that about my DC on someone else, and now he’s the victim and wants sympathy. His shit situation with his ex isn’t another woman’s problem. He was lonely, bored and needs constant reassurance to fill a hole in his life.

The last thing I said to him was I was really tired of modifying my life to fit around his feelings and explain myself. If I had a low phone battery I would be worrying about it because of him and have to send him the reason. If I was with my DC or friends I would feel torn into responding to him or talking to them. I felt like I was constantly having to explain to him why there wasn’t a problem. He saw a problem in everything, yet kept telling me he was such a happy bubbly person. The persona is hiding deep insecurity

I’m back to square 1. I don’t want to date now because I always seem to attract and end up with mind fuckers who drain me