Dating thread 178 - where we launch into the new year with new hopes

[NoMoreWeepingAndWanking]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@LeaveBeforeTheLightsComeOn how old are you ? I would go even older men I. Mid to late 40s seem more liberated. Mr Gray is mid 40s and funny with the right amount of sauciness (which is mega ramped up now 😳). Not boring at all

I saw on man with an aga. That was an instant swipe 😂

I would for sure swipe on a guy who had pets and a nice home

@Jane1978xx I'm 31 but 18 in my head, I look early/mid 20s.

I think I'm hard work tbh. I guess I want something that could be some kind of actual relationship with feelings (but no marriage, living together etc) but at the same time I want someone kind of immature like me and funny and just chilled... the older ones seem desperate a lot of the time. It's probably just the ones I'm speaking to I'm sure not all are but I like that confident, chilled, fun vibe and a lot seem to have lost it with age

Tips for men ! Things like tough mudda, mountain biking, mountains, 10 k aren’t off putting but are very common and don’t make you stand out.

Things like being in a band are quite interesting.

Cooking is ok but everyone does it so maybe I like xxx food as i travelled there or it’s my families heritage

Liking music is good, list some bands or festivals you’ve been to or want to go to . Shows a passion even if the ladies not into the same.

Pics of you that are different but not too different. But if you have a beard with and without is good 😂

If you have a very nice kitchen or garden get that in. And no bathroom or bedroom pics. Men with those old metal beds and creased bedding puts me off 🤦‍♀️.

Yeah I think 1 hobby photo is enough, and not too far away
No pics with cars
Drinking photo is ok if it’s fun and breezy like you at a table outside with a cocktail or a pint but a dark nightclub photo, no
Also selfies have to be at the right angle. I don’t want to look up your nose. Or see the flash in the mirror

@Jane1978xx I love your profile tips 😂 see I don't even notice this stuff.

See I need to grow up 😂 I'm usually thinking 'oooh he has plenty of hair, nice lips, decent height, fit body, looks fun SWIPE RIGHT'😂

And obviously left for those that don't fit the above

@LeaveBeforeTheLightsComeOn they are tips for @TheCatWithTheHat as he asked that said mr gray had the worst profile pics ever 😂 that bad in fact I wonder if it was supposed to be ironic. I mean the angle and background etc he still obviously was attractive.

I’d say mid 40s is prob too old.. I’m
40 but I’ve talked to any age from late 20s to 50 and it seems the younger or older are more fun. Very close to 40 seems a bit meh 🤷🏼‍♀️ , I also see that with my own friends where us ladies go out and have fun but the men less so.

@Jane1978xx I love you notice all this stuff about men though, I mean you're clearly thinking with your head whereas I'm thinking with somewhere else 😂

Just makes me realise what's more important to me right now. Fun with someone who'll make me laugh and look nice in my bed 😂

My old FWB had a fun pic of him about to dig into a huge ice cream sundae, while wearing a humorous t-shirt. So that kicked off our conversation nicely.

I don't really remember Mr G's pics. A close-up of his nice smile, a pic at the gym (he isn't a bore about it, but he goes nearly every day so that makes sense), a short but funny bio. Now that I know him better it definitely encapsulated his personality.

It's interesting what you said about trying to figure out the difference between love-bombing and just a keen guy, @Menora. I wasn't too sure about Mr G at first, he worked pretty hard to convince me he was genuinely interested, and it did feel a bit over the top at times. But I guess the key point is that he never pushed himself onto me, always took a step back if I wasn't ready, and never expected anything from me, if that makes sense. He blurted out the L-word pretty early on, and I told him I wasn't ready for that and didn't know how I felt yet. He was fine with that. He didn't get upset or needy, he didn't say it again until I was ready.

I did feel.some pressure at first to reciprocate faster than I actually felt it, but talked it over with a few RL friends and decided.to give.it.time. I think it helped that we live far apart and I definitely had the space to think it over. I also paid close attention to his behaviour and reactions to things going on in my life and he has consistently shown himself to be emotionally supportive and available, nonjudgmental and not jealous in the slightest. So I decided he was one of the good ones, not a love-bomber, but he just got attached to me quickly and is a bit of an open book.

He's definitely a husband sort of man, and although I wasn't looking for "serious" when I first started OLD, I'm happy with him. He's stable, settled, confident in himself, a devoted single father and he makes me laugh. The only issue is the distance, but who.knows what life can bring.

@LeaveBeforeTheLightsComeOn generally I do but not with mr gray I’ve been seeing for a month. I just likes his face 😂 his pics were awful 🤷🏼‍♀️. But for other people If I’m not sure the things in that list go a long way to a yes or making me stop and look

@Jane1978xx it depends on what you're looking for I guess too doesn't it? I think really for me it always was just fun... I never expected to actually like my FWB.

I'm hoping I can guard my feelings better with the next.

And he was nearby 😂😂 walking distance. It was on Pof so didn’t even match and sent him a hi 🤷🏼‍♀️. He’s defo a fun person and can string a sentence together and is cute. So really that’s enough for me

Happy new year to all I think my iron may have already done one, welcome back to the world of online dating! Still it was nice to have a man around for new year's eve, even if only virtually! Let's see what the new year brings.. match may throw some more potential irons my way... and I'm back at work on Monday, and that seems to be where I'm mostly meeting irons nowadays..so who knows what 2020 might have in store... something good with someone good hopefully!

My last post of today ! Someone told me today If you set tinder To 1km it glitches the system and it will show you all your matches on the cards to swipe

Right

That 40 year old I was speaking to? Politely said I thought we were looking for different things. He said no worries, good luck on tinder.

5 mins later another message 'before you unmatch me do you mind if I use your picture and spunk all over your face?'

Just. Grim.

😳so grim .

I actually told him how pathetic it was and he then said sorry he was only doing it to get a reaction

Just... yeah this has generally been my experience with the older ones. Awkwardness and weirdness and just goddamn creepy! 😂 I'm sure there are plenty that aren't this is just the ones I seen to get 😂

If I feel all out of hope, does that mean I need a break? I've had a Christmas of messaging, dating and one encounter. I've got a couple of old irons I still message but nothing is going anywhere and my brain is spinning with it all. I've got a date for tomorrow but to be honest it all feels a bit hopeless. He's a nice man I'm sure but what's the point? The highs and lows of 6 months of OLD have worn me down.

Morning all. Back to work today and I'm glad Christmas is over though it's turned out rather fun in some ways. I have five serious irons on the go (yes. Really.) with a bunch of new messages to weed through and see who sticks. For your benefit I am going to do a full recap... Also to aid my own memory when I inevitably look back on this in a few months and wonder what the hell was going on.
So.

• Mr Pilates. Very much a hippy but with a clear bio and sense of himself. Described himself as a solo poly which sounds wanky but I appreciated his honesty so messaged him. We've been friends a while now and my god he's filthy and good at what he does. Going to a kink club with him in a couple of weeks and have a sleepover planned for mid Jan. He's the perfect lover. kind. Respectful. Good communication. Honest. Open. No bullshit. He may be 7 years younger but he's more grown up than many men much older.

• Mr Rigger. Sexy mind. Attractive photos. Merry him in person and zero spark. Stayed friends and been chatting and he's requested a second meet to see if he makes a better impression when not exhausted and stressed pre Christmas. Am seeing him on Friday but I strongly suspect I'll still not fancy him. He's been very sweet though and stuck around despite me spilling my pre-christmas angsty guts to him. Inn afraid the poor chap is heading for the friend zone despite his hopes.

-Mr climber. Been chatting a while. He snuck in just before my festive season purdah was called and started in by means of his gentle persistence and humour. Meeting him on Saturday for the first time. I may or may not fancy him in person but he's both inconvenient geographically and quite 'young' in terms of his approach to life. Only 2 years younger than me but sometimes it's like talking to a 23 year old in terms of where he is. I'm a little concerned he might need mummying. We'll see.

-Mr Hong Kong. My happy Christmas accident. Must have swiped on him in my pre festive season purdah swiping frenzy and then forgot all about him and the others week I deleted the apps and took myself off. Mr climber then sent me a funny tinder profile to look at which required me to download tinder again to see it and a couple of hours later I had a couple of messages from Mr Hong Kong. Not only did I like his profile but he sent the first message which was unusual in my experience. I replied and we messaged through the afternoon and finished with a 6 hour phone call. He's 2 years older than me. In the same industry. Handsome. Charming. Sweet. A little dirty. Well travelled. Good job. Lives 15 minutes away. No kids. Strong sense of family. Wants to settle down. He's basically perfect except that I'm not looking for relationships atm and have been bluntly, repeatedly honest about this and (oh god this makes me sound so awful) he has a slow progressive medical condition and after 15 years of being stbx's carer, albeit it for MH stuff, I don't think I could do that again. Am I a horrible person? Meeting him on Saturday afternoon and am trying to maintain perspective.

-Mr Beard. Although he has no beard any more. Going to have to rename him Mr long distance. One of my first OLD matches and meets. I got rather over invested, I suspect he did too. He cancelled our date and said he wasn't in a good place to do long distance. We chatted for a bit longer but I didn't know if I was coming or going so I blocked and deleted despite really liking him. Turns out, if they're really keen, they do find a way to reach out. A week or so before Christmas I was notified he's looked at my LinkedIn. The day after boxing Day he followed me on Instagram. I ignored both except to post a mildly provocative photo on my IG feed. New year's Eve I get a happy new year message. I was drink enough to completely lost my filter and called him on his stalking, accused him of missing me, asked him outright what he wanted. He admitted the first two and also said that he'd been hasty and wanted to know if I was willing to start talking again with a view to seeing if there was something there. I eventually agreed and unblocked him. He seems brighter and more uncomplicated than when we last talked but I'm not pinning any hopes. I have my four other irons, a couple of new potentials and enough going on to keep me very busy. If Mr long distance is serious, he's going to have to initiate and do all the leg work.

And on that note... Back to work today. Feeling good about it. And about myself. The looming Spectre of Christmas was really doing a number on me. I feel much more together now and am looking forward to some fun and dating in 2020. By the end of it I hope to find romance but this first half is for fun and fucking only 😎

Lol at fun and fucking. I decided that in January 2019 and now look at me on the smitten bench 😂

To whoever said it depended on how many photos - a huge whole wall of them and then other framed ones dotted around and some larger ones on the walls (big house, lots of walls). A glass table where you can put photos under the glass - so loads of photos there. It was incredibly in your face (and he knew that there were lots and warned me). I know a lot of it is because the DCs want them all there. But I didn't feel comfortable and won't stay there. It didn't feel right to mention it while I was there, and shortly before we were going out. He hasn't asked me to stay (because of the SDCs living there) so I will raise it if he does. My biggest, hugest fear is that he isn't as ready as he thinks he is for a relationship. I think he is and he says he is. All the reading I've done around relationships with widowers says that packing away the late wife's things is part of moving on but I can see that having one SDC still in a very bad place around it all makes that hard. I have counselling tonight so will unpick it all with her. My feelings matter as much as his, so although I am not at all going to ask him to do anything he isn't ready to, I have to decide if I can live with that.

nomore good for you! And leavebefore, did you report him?

@BatshitCrazyWoman Sorry if you've already answered this but how long ago did his late wife pass away?

You met on Fab didn't you? I guess it's difficult as he wasn't necessarily looking for a proper relationship when you met (as you weren't) and maybe he didn't feel ready for that but you 'found' each other when you weren't expecting to. Maybe this has meant him needing to move on a little quicker than he was ready to?

I think all the photos would be hard. I don't think I'd expect no photos because obviously it's not like they split up and maybe it feels disloyal to his late partner (and her kids) but I also think if you're making the decision to enter into another relationship, you are making certain decisions to put that person first.

His DSC are both adults right? They will never be ok with losing their mum but they also can't expect Mr BC to never move on and find happiness with someone else. Maybe that has come sooner than anyone expected but would they really want him to throw that away to make them feel better? It's not going to bring their mum back and they will move on with their own lives soon enough so Mr BC should be able to do the same.

It's a different situation with me as my ex didn't die (although there were times when I think that would have been easier...for me at least) so all the photos went straight away. They are in the attic though, not destroyed. If Mr Ad were to go up there he'd see them. I don't need photos to remember our wedding day or special memories is what I'm trying to say.

@shitwithsugaron If it's the same wine bar I think it is then I have been a couple of times and it's nice. You don't get much per 'taste' though so not cheap!