Dating thread 178 - where we launch into the new year with new hopes

[NoMoreWeepingAndWanking]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Stillsexy I would say that if a conversation has started, it’s normal to continue with it / not overkeen.

Yep continue the conversation now not tomorrow, things move fast online!

@Menora, did you decide what to do? I agree that it sounds like he is giving you an easy 'out'', I would hazard a guess that he may know how you're feeling, too.
I agree with tiger - if you are chatting, then carry it on, it won't seem overseen.

I had the loveliest date and o/n with Mr Popcprn - he is scarily perfect. He is not someone I would have ever thought about dating - physically he is not my type. The imperfect thing about him is how far away he lives - it is about a 1 hour +45 mins drive to his. I have my DD all the time, except EOW and I am a FT teacher - time is not often available!!
He has his children 50/50 but on quite a flexible basis and has work means he - at times- has to stay within a 30 min radius of work.
We both like each other and both want to see each other, but logistically it seems circumstances are not on our side .
I have laid my cards on the table and have asked him to have a good think ...we will discuss later.
I'll either be on the smitten bench or snapping some new profile picks for the start of 2020..

• profile pics...

Hi saltysally I wish !!!

Just back from date with Mr Frenchman. Nice-looking in a Robert De Niro kind of way, bit shorter than he said and EIGHT YEARS OLDER FFS, why do they do this? When we were chatting he said that he didn't like it when women didn't look like their pictures and then he says that he isn't 61 - he is 69!! Apparently his friends told him he didn't look his age.

So, back to the drawing board. There aren't that many options to be honest but maybe 2020 will be the year. I've been separated for two years - married for 32, so I'm not in a rush to settle down tbh - would just like a nice manz that I can go out with and see often and have a laugh with. Ho hum. Anyway Happy New Year from the Dordogne (where it looks like it might snow) xx

That’s why I don’t agree with lying on dating profiles tbh. Lying about age or saying you don’t have kids when you do etc just leaves a bad taste over the date. So sorry about that French

61 to 69 is a massive leap- what on Earth was he thinking????

I know .. he told me about ten minutes into the date - I did think he looked a little older than his profile, but not a lot. I can understand having a birthday after you've registered, but not taking eight years off your age. Also, when you get to late fifties (me) a big jump like that is massive, it took him from three years older to eleven years older. He was very sweet - brought a rose to the date and everything, but I couldn't get over that I'm afraid. If it was my friend I would tell her to be honest, nothing good can come of lying like that, even if you do look a bit younger

That's so annoying @frenchlady14 my worst ever iron (fortunately I've only had one) is on fab having taken 10 years off his age. Mind you he also said he was athletic (not at all) and 6 ft (only if was on a step ladder)

Unbelievable 😡. Difficult to know how to stop your time being wasted on the age thing, but re height I put that I’m 5’8” prominently in my profile to scare the stepladder brigade off 😂

I’ve quietly unmatched Mr Dynamic But Rude. Heh heh heh.

I seem to have an iron on Tinder though, for a tea date on Tuesday. We’ll see.

So I called him up and I said that things had moved quite fast, and I was finding it less fun than I would like and more a full on relationship but we don’t really know each other that well yet. The together times are fun and good but the apart times are clearly hard for him and not as hard for me at all. I said I think he’s rushing in to it and investing too much in me and the pressure feels overwhelming

He was so good about it but he did not want to ‘give up on it’ and when I actually talk to him properly I then become confused. He’s good at saying all the right things at the right time - not blaming me but he’s saying he thinks I am afraid of letting someone in and because I am not honest with him he feels like he keeps trying and trying which he understands comes off as a bit clingy and needy - but I said to him that the over keenness is overwhelming and makes me feel like I need to work at it rather than allow it to happen naturally. There is nothing wrong with meeting someone and it moving fast but I am not that person, I need more time to open up be intimate and trust someone

His solution to building a RS with me seems to be seeing each other MORE and mine is to see each other less. Not because I don’t like him - I think he’s a great person but because it’s just way too much of a drastic change - I’ve been living alone for well over 10 years and single for 3. He said he understood now that seeing each other 3 to 4 times a week in a month or so is a bit of a change for me and also I am more busy than he is. He’s trying to fill his time up and I am trying to protect mine because I don’t have as much

I honestly do not know why he likes me. Gods honest truth. Surely even after this he’s still trying in my mind I am thinking are you just desperate or something but he could go out and meet someone tomorrow if he wanted to. He’s cute and funny. Him putting all his eggs in my basket isn’t what I was expecting so soon and I am very over protective of my own eggs 😂

The confusion: the chats we have are not something I am used to, a man being open and up front about his feelings. He’s not being pushy or mean or unreasonable or even needy really. Am I just confused and irritated because I am actually afraid of this level of openness and intimacy to be honest - it’s all new to me usually I end up resenting men for having the emotional intelligence of a slug. Do I just like the fact he likes me or is my self esteem still so bad it seems too good to be true? Am I afraid of him not liking the real me? Am I just not ready for a RS? Is he just trying to win me because he doesn’t want to be alone?

I cannot deny we do seem to have a good connection but for him it’s just a lot more deeper and meaningful. I honestly think if he hadn’t been as pushy on the dates and I had not kept agreeing to them we might have had a slow burner. My mind had been saying just shag them and don’t let them in, it’s too dangerous! I’m hard work. I see this now 😂

It’s been left as let’s chat in a few days as I need to think

I don’t think I am really as over some of my past hurt as I originally thought I was

Apols for word vomit

Lying about his age is very bad especially nearly a decade

I would be extremely wary, @Menora. If he senses reticence in you, he should absolutely be following your lead. He seems like he's trying to force you into a level of intimacy you aren't comfortable with yet, under the guise of being emotionally available and nice.

Ultimately, listen to your instincts. You feel uncomfortable with the pace, has he disregarded your discomfort and tried to bring you round to his way of seeing things/conducting the relationship?

For instance, I know for certain now that Mr G's feelings for me are much deeper than I expected, but never once has he pushed me to a level of intimacy I'm uncomfortable with. He made it very clear that the pace of our relationship, although limited due to geography, will continue along with what is comfortable for me, which is also best for him ultimately as well.

It's good to have a small break to think things over, but don't do anything you're uncomfortable with; and if you aren't "over" past hurts, that's ok too. The timing just might be wrong for the two of you.

I probably didn’t put it across right but no he is totally on my ‘team’ of the thinking of whatever makes me happy he will do. He just wants me to be happy

Which bugs the hell out of me not because I think it’s unmanly or anything, but because I don’t like the feeling that I am the one in control and this is another pressure of me holding all the cards

@Menora I don't like this at all-

He’s good at saying all the right things at the right time - not blaming me but he’s saying he thinks I am afraid of letting someone in and because I am not honest with him he feels like he keeps trying and trying which he understands comes off as a bit clingy and needy

He's assuming you are afraid of letting someone in and making you question and doubt yourself- he seems very clingy and needy and I think most people would find it too much. You haven't been dishonest with him either which is what he seems to have suggested- what exactly have you been dishonest about? I would find his behaviour suffocating- and he is now subtlety pressuring you into spending more time when what you need is the opposite?

I just think he's being unfair to you tbh- it's not respecting your perfectly reasonable need to go at a slower pace.

Have been talking on the phone to an iron, and facetime...

He's open that he's talking to two other women, as am I. He's met one, not mete or another. I've got other dates planned hopefully.

I need to remember to keep it light and remember it's all just fun and not serious, right?

Menora I'm not the best at giving out dating advice. But if someone told me that things had moved too fast, then I would be taking a step back and giving you some space.

It's good that you can talk about this, however, his response seems to be to immediately try and find a solution. And his solution doesn't seem to take into account that you have very different lifestyles.

You are the one with the busier life so you should be saying how often you can see him. He comes across as quite pushy, but is saying it in a way that makes you doubt yourself.

Can you suggest that you just see each other once a week and see how that goes? I think you need to be firm on what you want and don't let him try and second guess you.

Just popping in to say happy new year dating gang!

🎉🎉🎉🎇🎇🎇🍸🍷🍾🥃🍹

Happy New Year everyone.

Meant to be at a party, MiniSJT had a tired tantrum so he’s had to go to bed. Someone else found the zoo far too exciting and they’ve been asleep on the sofa for nearly two hours, so I’m relegated to the floor. At least I won’t wake up with a hangover!

🍾🎉

Happy new year everyone!
Mr Ad is here, we have had a 3 course meal (joint effort), had sex and are half way through a Tarantino film and it's still only 9pm 😂

Hope 2020 brings everyone what they are looking for x

Happy New Year everyone 🍾

I'll be glad to be shot of 2019 tbh. Bloody hoping that 2020 is better. I don't want to start on a negative but I'm struggling to hold out much hope 😂

I've decided I'm going to start a diary from tomorrow. I'm nearly 100% Bridget, may as well go the whole hog.

@Menora do you know much about attachment styles? It sounds as though you are in and avoidant/insecure attachment situation, where you back off (avoidant) so he pushes harder (insecure). You don't sound compatible at all right now, but you could work at it if you both want to learn how to make it work for you both.

But, if you're after something light and fun, this probably isn't it.

Happy New Year everyone 🎉🥂