Dating thread 178 - where we launch into the new year with new hopes

[NoMoreWeepingAndWanking]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@thecatwiththehat I agree with others that the headspace excuse and the tinder profile reappearing mean she's not that into you and is continuing to look around - I've done exactly this myself. Sorry. Arrange dates with your matches and try to move on mentally. If she comes back, great.

As for the kids/no kids preference, I've found that the only men that seem to be ok with me having kids are not the type of men I want anyway - they're either ok with it because they just want sex (took me a while to figure that one out) or they're ok with it because they're not really a catch themselves/are insecure/controlling/have low standards. I have literally never met a really decent, high quality man who is fine from the beginning about me having kids. Really good men have options so why would they choose to date me? For that reason I don't mention it on my profile and only tell people after a couple of dates, once we've had a chance to start to get to know each other on our own terms and not through the 'single parent' lens.

With Mr C, we had an incredible first date, so I knew I had to tell him about my kids before agreeing to a second. By that point he said he would want to see me again no matter what, but did say that had he known about my kids before meeting me he wouldn't have bothered at all. Which proves my theory!

@Peanutbuttermouth that's spot on too, it's bloody hard to find the genuinely decent ones anyway and even harder as a single parent.

I think this is why I end up sucked into these casual/fwb situations. It seemed better having a thing with someone who I was really attracted to and enjoyed being around- even if it was never going to be a full blown relationship- than looking for relationships with the kind of guys who would want a relationship with me

@TheCat I agree with the others that she's not interested. Another thing could be your bio. I once read not to have more than 3 or 4 photos and get someone else to check them because whilst you might think they are "wacky" someone else might think they are weird. The age might be another thing, 10 years is quite a big gap, you might not be showing up in their searches if they have capped the age at less than 45.

Good luck with your date.

@peanutbuttermouth it may be an age thing I’m 41 and the men I chat to / date are around the same age if not older with their own kids. Being that age with kids I think it’s less of an issue than for younger men.

Do you mean he would not have met you had he known about kids or it didn’t bother him

Shit though @Peanutbuttermouth it's a depressing thought. There's literally no one out there who would want a relationship with me who I would want as well.

I'm not prepared to lower my standards tbh. I think whilst I still look young and apparently attractive enough I'm going to stick to the fit 20s guys just for some fun. I've got my lovely DC, my friends, my family. I'm not desperate for a relationship with someone who's not worth it. I'm learning a lot from OLD and from this thread.

I won't get in the same position with the next one as I did with FWB. I met him early on in my OLD experience and the situation with him was kind of strange anyway. I know better how to approach these things now.

I have literally never met a really decent, high quality man who is fine from the beginning about me having kids. Really good men have options so why would they choose to date me?

This was literally my biggest concern wrt dating. I found someone in the same position as me, though, which is a rarity, I think - full-time single dad, his DC's mother passed away 6 years ago. Parenting takes up most of his time. And work, obviously.

We are having a wonderful time together - L-word exchanged. 😍

Yeah he meant he wouldn't have bothered meeting me at all had he known I had kids. This is my predicament - I'm 33 with 2 kids. Most men in their early 30s haven't even started thinking about kids yet and are still in a position to meet someone who wants kids with them.

@leavebeforethelightscomeon it really is depressing! Might seem deceptive to some but not telling men I have kids until further in when they're already hooked has been the only way I've met decent men (and it's only happened twice).

@shitwithsugaron and @Peanutbuttermouth I know she had the second profile going when we first started seeing each other, and mine was active until the start of this month although I’d stopped using it. I then deleted it completely 3/4 weeks ago and created a new one last week. So I’m guessing hers could still appear even if she hadn’t logged in recently. It’s taught me a lesson though to not make assumptions!

Also she was referring to us as dating even when we met last, and the way she was with me suggested she was still into me - so my gut feeling is that she wasn’t dating other guys. But who knows - I’m just driving myself mad thinking about it, so will focus on my new irons :-)

@TheCatWithTheHat you sound like you are being very prescriptive with your search criteria. 10 years younger than you with no kids? In my 30s I wouldn't have wanted to date a man in his 40s and I already had children.

Wow I found peanutbutter's post hard to read.

I really think some of you could rule out some good guys but then equally who am I to say your experiences domt reflect those of us without kids. Who knows
Maybe men without kids have a different view to women?
Anyhow time for me to stop navel gazing.
Hope those on dates today have a good time

@Peanutbuttermouth I get you. And that must be hard although I know a lot of men who had kids in their early / mid 20 so by mid 30s kids are in high school. For the age range of men for me 40-45 it’s much less of an issue.

@Peanutbuttermouth that takes guts doing that though, waiting til after a couple of dates. I used to say on my profile I have kids but took it off to see if I got more matches. It actually makes no difference it seems but I bet guys are just matching me just hoping for sex.

It makes no difference to number of matches because men don't look properly - in my experience they just quickly flick through pics then swipe.
@saltysally men without kids definitely have a different perspective on women. Men in their 30s (who I'm matching with) are young enough to meet a woman who is at the same stage as them, no kids and has time to enjoy themselves before settling down into family life etc. Why on earth would they actively choose me over those women?

@shitwithsugaron it does feel like a con sometimes especially when we meet but I wouldn't be talking to strangers about my kids anyway 🤷‍♀️

@Peanutbuttermouth maybe you're doing yourself a bit of a disservice there. Maybe they would be into YOU for you- whether you had kids or not

Chatting online isn't enough to know that they're into me for me. I know that when people meet me in person, then they may be into me for me. Hence my strategy!

I know how easily people discount each other before they've met. Has kids - swipes left. And why shouldn't they? Easy to say what's for you won't pass you by but quickly swiping through strangers faces on dating apps someone can easily pass you by. Sorry if I sound super cynical and deceptive but I've been old for 2.5 years and have learnt an awful lot!

Oh I didn't mean it as a dig @shitwithsugaron I'm a very private person and don't generally talk much about my kids or myself for that matter.

And - last thing to say on the matter - if men feel deceived and don't understand why I may not feel comfortable advertising to every man and his dog online that I have kids and am therefore vulnerable - then they are not for me after all. So it's actually a good litmus test.

I agree @saltysally that by only choosing men with kids some of you are ruling good guys out. I have had the best 8 months with Mr R, he totally understands my lifestyle, and has been happy to have limited contact because of the dc because he likes me. He has done old for years and gone out with women who didn’t have kids and but prefers me (although it’s a stull early days). I used to get insecure thinking he would leave for me for a younger woman without kids but we’re getting to know each other (at a snails pace) and hoping to have a future together and so i’m glad I didn’t dismiss him because of his lifestyle (he also has a PlayStation and sometimes drinks a lot with the lads).