Dating thread 178 - where we launch into the new year with new hopes

[NoMoreWeepingAndWanking]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Dawsoncreek I'm 26 and Mr S is 31 and I have always found myself being attracted to older and more mature men. I don't think any age gap is too big as long as you are comfortable with it and happy. I'm very lucky to have found Mr S

Hey all - been out with old friends today and hanging out with DS tonight so just caught up, things move so fast here.

@shitwithsugaron good luck with your dates

@TheCatWithTheHat welcome, it’s always good to have a guy’s POV on here. Agree you should give your gf a bit of space - she sounds like she has had a hard time so may need to come back to you at her own pace. Can I ask why your ideal woman is 10 years or so younger though? Is it cos you want kids or a looks/maturity thing? Not criticising, just curious as I have a theory all men want younger women apart from the toy boys who are seeking cougars (and I wonder about their motivation too tbh) And at my age (50) guys older than me are mostly frankly decrepit looking and I find it astoundingly arrogant that they think younger women would want their baldy, paunchy selves. It’s not like they look like they go to the gym or actually TRY to look decent.

I have a date with Mr Media tomorrow lunchtime. No idea how it will go. Or what to wear for lunchtime tapas and wine? On paper he ticks every single box and we get on really well but just not sure I fancy him. Hoping I’ll be proved wrong

@TheCatWithTheHat I stand my my advice in your thread. If this was a man behaving like this with me I would know he just wasn't that into me. Even if I didn't want to accept it. People are unavailable for lots of different reasons and she is telling you she isn't ready for the relationship you want.

@TheCatWithTheHat I agree with @Notcoolmum- whatever the reason, she's not ready for the relationship or doesn't feel that you're right for her. I would cut my losses and move on

You know when someone likes you on hinge, and you say no, do they realise that literally immediately? Seems quite cruel! 😂

Good luck shitwith I also have a date today with Mr Foot. I don’t think he is right for me but we are gonna go for a quick coffee. Also have a date on Friday with Mr Fact who I think I could quite like. I need to get back out there!

Welcome thecatwiththehat I wonder if it’s the fact you don’t have children that might put people off? I am 37 and have 2 children and wouldn’t want more. I avoid men without children as I worry they either want their own or never wanted them and won’t understand my kids always come first. It’s a catch 22 really as if you do want children you possibly need to look for younger women (late 20s/ early 30s) but lots of women are put off but men looking for women much younger than themselves.

@thecatinthehat I hate to say it but I agree. Especially as you saw her on a dating app again. She's just not that into you.

@uttersocks GS is the first app I've used where you can see the ages men are looking for. I guess I knew men of my age were looking for younger but I was quite surprised to see them only looking for younger! So 49 year olds looking for women up to 48. I mean it's their loss for cutting me out of their search parameters... esp as the majority are just so grim. When I'm ready I'll go back to the younger men, they at least appreciate an older woman!

Hey @marlbs feels a bit sad you rule out men without kids without giving them a chance. I don't have kids, I don't want any of my own but would be happy if an iron did.

@TheCatWithTheHat I think maybe it's the fact you don't have kids might be a factor. As a single mum it's difficult to juggle things around particularly if their dad doesn't really see his kids so someone without kids mightn't understand this or the fact that I'm not as free as someone without kids would be. Maybe someone with older kids might be more suited but I doubt if they would want kids I certainly don't, so I suppose it depends if that's something you want.

Hello, I have a date this afternoon, we have been chatting for months on and off ... in that time he has spent a month in SA plus NY and I have dated two guys ... timing has never been right until now! Both now single and in the same county.

We get on brilliantly via messages and talking on the phone ... haven't felt hopeful in a while so fingers crossed. I will name him Mr Cycle 😊

Rule out was probably a bit strong salty I have chatted to and been on dates with men who don’t have kids but my kids are tiny and a bit all consuming so I prefer someone who understands. One guy I chatted to was lovely but really really wanted kids and I absolutely don’t want more so unfair to keep going. Another guy didn’t want them and on the date it became clear he had never wanted them and would quickly get bored not being number 1 priority with me 🤷‍♀️. A few friends have suggested I am being harsh and that technically I could have another child and might want one with the right man but my kids are so young and have been through a lot so moving fast with a man and having another child would feel unfair to them.

Oooh exciting halfthesun

@Marlboroandmalbec34 see I'm the opposite, I prefer matching with people who don't have kids 😂 because it's tricky for me where I do and if the other person had kids it would probably be even harder. We had to move back in with family after my separation and house sale and I'm lucky my mum has the kids for me if I want to go on a date etc. I hasten to add it doesn't affect my DC as they are in bed anyway.

FWB was very understanding with it and we used to go get a hotel if the DC cancelled at very short notice etc and we'd made plans. But I kind of think me having DC could be what ruled me out for a relationship in my mind and I don't blame him tbh- at 22 that's a big thing to consider.

@shitwithsugaron that's exactly it, the needle in the haystack! I think it's just being aware that it's obviously an issue for people to consider in some ways I find it helps me as it helps me put into perspective dating and relationships- my DC come first and I can be clear from the start that yes I have kids, it makes things not 100% straightforward, so it immediately lowers my expectations about the other person. Basically I don't get my hopes up too much 😂

I am so inarticulate today 😂

@Marlboroandmalbec34hope the date goes well 👍

@UtterSocks It’s partly looks, and partly as I don’t feel as old as I am. Maybe that’s because I’ve not had to grow up when having kids? Or maybe I’m just immature:-) I’m often told I don’t look 45, and I try to keep myself in shape. I feel like a much better version of me than I was 10 years ago too, so think I have a lot to offer the right woman.

I’m not sure I’m being ignored on Tinder due to not having kids as I don’t mention that on my profile. I would prefer to meet someone who doesn’t already have them though, so that does rule out quite a few potential matches that I don’t swipe. But there must be still a decent number of mid-late 30’s women who don’t have kids?

thecat I’m not sure any of us feel as old as we are! Or what our age is supposed to feel like really.

@unambiguousbeard and @LeaveBeforeTheLightsComeOn I agree she isn’t in the right place for a relationship right now, but I think it’s more that she’s not in the right headspace for it rather than not being into me. In fact, just before we went away 3 weeks ago she sent me some messages from her best friend who had been stalking me online, and referred to me as “your guy”. Apparently she’d told her she liked me, and was the first guy she’s mentioned in a long while. Pretty sure she wouldn’t have done that if she wasn’t sure, or was still dating other guys.

As for her Tinder profile - we’d not spoken about being exclusive and I knew her profile was still active, but obviously can’t tell when she last logged in to it. It’s possible she hasn’t done so for several weeks.

Anyway, I’ve had lots of great advice from here and I’m going to give it a bit more time and see what happens. In the meantime it looks like I have a date arranged with one of my Tinder matches so just waiting to find out when she’s free :-) Hopefully the height won’t be a problem as she’s a little bit taller than me which seems to be an issue for some.

But if her tinder profile popped up, isn't that because she deleted and then went back on again?

@LeaveBeforeTheLightsComeOn yep, and she mentioned this a couple of times as she said she goes on for a week then gets fed up and deletes the app, but ended up with two profiles for some reason I can’t remember. All I can tell is that the photo was taken after we first matched but before we met for the first date (it took us 6 weeks to meet due to various reasons), and we didn’t really consider ourselves as dating until maybe 6 weeks ago, and only slept together (well, 99% of the way) 3 weeks ago. So maybe this is all an excuse and she’s back on there again, or maybe it’s her old profile from a month or two ago.