Dating thread 178 - where we launch into the new year with new hopes

[NoMoreWeepingAndWanking]

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread

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Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@thecatwiththehat welcome. Do read the rules on the first page esp the no dating the thread. Always good to have male insight!

I've been chatting to Mr City and Mr Red (the new version) for 2 hours. Conclusion is that I've ditched Mr City because I just don't like the way he communicates enough and we are looking for different things sexually
Mr Red is however lovely. He is a dad of two kids whose wife passed away this year so it's going to be hard to meet up but will see how it goes. I like a lot about him and actually like the fact he has kids (but that's way way future and not even a path we may cross)

@TheCatWithTheHat this is going to make me sound bad but I've definitely (and recently) used the 'not in the right headspace' reason as an excuse when I've not wanted to see someone again. I hope she's not using it as an excuse but it may well be.

@bangheadhere40 it seems really weird kn OLD tonight. I signed up for Hinge, matched with one guy, he wanted to speak on the phone immediately and I'm not comfortable with that and he started getting really arsey. What a dick

@shitwithsugaron that's fantastic! I hope the dates go well.

I think I'm going to be single forever 😂

@shit good on you!

@saltysally - whoops, sorry! Now I realise what that means!

@bangheadhere40 - I just replied on my other thread, as I don't want to derail this one. I've decided to keep my options open (as she seems to want to do) and you never know, I might meet someone who's an even better match.

@LeaveBeforeTheLightsComeOn - I think in this case it's true (well I hope it is) as she said exactly the same thing 6 weeks ago (just after our 3rd date which is when she said she realised she liked me). After giving her a bit of space we ended up having quite a few more lovely dates until she felt the same way again, and I think I may have made things worse by pressuring her somewhat. But I do wonder if it is an excuse - even though she has said all along that she is very direct, and wouldn't have an issue telling me if she didn't want to see me again. In fact, our last date she behaved very much like it was a date with more to come, rather than the last time she'd see me - hence why it's very confusing.

The thing I find odd though is that I think I'm quite a good catch - mid 40's, but look late 30's. I'm pretty good looking (so my Mum tells me!), slim, in decent shape, don't smoke, have my own flat in London, have a decent job, my own car and varied interests (i.e., not going to the pub, watching football or playing computer games). I also don't have kids, and have never been married but am open to both.

Yet I really struggle to get matches! The previous girl I dated for 3 months described me last week as a Tinder unicorn as I was the only guy she met on there who in her words had all my sh*t together.

So what am I doing wrong? I've seen a few posts on this thread asking where all the eligible guys are, so there's obviously something I'm missing if I'm not being found.

I felt like that @shitwithsugaron I went on one about 2 weeks after mr U and I split. It out me off a bit so go easy...

And me @bangheadhere40 I can't imagine not being single. I'm slowly turning into old and bitter.

Welcome @

Sorry I meant @leavethelightson

Honestly it's all the weirdos messaging me tonight. Someone who lives an hour away who wants to meet me tonight.... another one who got arsey when I didn't want to phone him immediately after matching...

Where are the normal guys??!!

Had a real heart to heart with Mr S tonight and I now know why communication wasn't good over Christmas. Very genuine and sad reason. I am going through a huge career change at the moment and he gave me a massively needed kick up the arse tonight aswell while still being supportive. I have been really negative this month because I'm still in pain with my wrist and the surgery was meant to sort it out. He is going to help me get my CV and.cover letter into shape for what will hopefully be my new career. Given me the confidence to be more proactive and look at the positives I have rather than focusing on the nagatives

How much is too much of a age gap? Ugh, I’m so torn. I’ve started talking with a man who is 45. He doesn’t have children and does want them. He’s talking about meeting up soon but I don’t want to meet up if I’m not too sure if it will really work. Sorry for the ramble.

Dance Mr S sounds lovely !

Why is it never the irons youd like to crawl back out of the woodwork that reappear?!

Just had one message, I'd deleted but not blocked, who got a bit uppity about why we never got round to a date - so I had to advise him that it was because he ghosted me 🤦‍♀️

He went on to say some offensive stuff so I shot him down and said he was being offensive and I didn't appreciate it given I had never been rude to him. He apologised if hed "offended me" very insincerely so I replied that I hadn't said hed offended me as his opinion would have to matter for that but merely said hed been offensive. Hes come back with a sarcastic reply which I havent opened so will merely delete and block. I mean - why bother? I was never rude to him even though he ghosted me after weeks of chatting so why come out of woodwork now just to be rude 😡 tosser

Thecat
Is this on tinder ? I would say just make sure you’re profile is really good. As tinder is quite a visual thing, having non-blurry pics/good quality photos etc is really important. Might not apply to you, though.

@Dawsoncreek - how old are you if you don't mind me asking? I'm 45, and don't have kids (would be open to have them) and would ideally like to meet someone in their mid to late 30's.

My photos are OK I think - one wearing a suit/tie, a couple of chilled out ones, a couple of sunny holiday shots and one with me looking silly. No topless gym selfies, or posing with expensive cars etc... I don't have much written on my bio though other than one sentence about what I enjoy doing.

Thecat
I’m 27.

Ah I see. Not much to say then other than just keep at it. It’s not you, it’s them aha. Tinder can be quite brutal, from what I’ve heard from my friends.

@Dawsoncreek
I'd be flattered if a 27 year old was interested in me, but I wouldn't actively look for someone that young as I'd worry they would think I'm a creepy old guy. But I don't think I am particularly mature for my age, so I wouldn't have an issue dating someone younger.

@thecatinthehat okay I've just skimmed your two threads. Outside this wonderful group, there's a lot of a people who reply on in the Relationships forum that seem to focus on encouraging people to end relationships. imo the forum is not always the most supportive place because people are all posting anonymously and can even name change and post again. Again that's exclusive of here!

My take on your gf is that she just got to the point of looking at you as a long term relationship at the same time lots of stuff happened and she's overwhelmed. Does she always wait 3+ months to sleep with someone? She may have put extra pressure on herself. I do wonder if she's had many relationships before you.

Imo you are doing the right thing by stepping back. Just give her the space and don't be at her beck and call when she does reply. It's good you aren't just focusing on her. Hope it works out for you as you sound keen.

@dawsoncreek How's Mr gq?

@shitwithsugaron very pleased you have some new irons. Good going! I sometimes think I curse myself by giving them names. 😂

Thecat

That’s partially what concerns me a little. For some reason, there seems to be a difference to me to a older guy ending up dating quite a bit younger as opposed to actively looking for someone younger. Might sounds silly but I don’t like the idea of a 45+ man looking for someone in their 20s. Sorry if that’s poorly worded.

salty Oh, He’s fine! We’ve been on maybe like 4 or so dates. There’s really not much to say but it must be going well if we keep going on dates aha!

I agree a lot with the post you made to thecat. Space & time.

@saltysally thanks for that. I hope you're right, and I hope stepping back does help. Part of me just wants to get in touch to say hi so she knows I'm thinking of her, as my last couple of replies have been quite brief and not leading the conversation on. But everyone else says it's best to just let her get in touch if or when she's ready. I just don't know how long to leave it before accepting she won't be in touch, or asking for confirmation so I can move on.

Your take does match with how I've read things. She says she always takes a long time to sleep with someone (not sure how long, but apparently it has caused previous dates to become rather frustrated). She also joked that she was frigid a couple of weeks ago, and is quite insecure about her looks. She doesn't seem to accept compliments that easily either - telling me she isn't when I say she's beautiful. She's had a few long-term relationships, but I think the last long term one really hurt her by walking out and leaving her in an apartment in a foreign country with all the bills to pay a few years ago.

I am keen, and she has mentioned this a few times - and also that it's not a bad thing. Anyway, will see what happens with my latest OLD attempts and hopefully that will distract me while I wait for her to get back in touch.

@Dawsoncreek I think it just depends on the two people. A lot of people tell me I look 10 years younger than I actually do, and I still feel like I'm in my 30's. However a lot of my friends look and act far older.

If you like the guy, and you get on well then go for it - life's too short to worry about what others might think.

@dawsoncreek glad he's still around. Hope it continues to go well

@thecat no don't contact her except for maybe a Happy New year message. You need to play a little of the treat her mean to keep her keen. Except you aren't being mean. You are doing as she wanted. Don't let her string you along for too long. I think she'll come back to you. Don't be a pushover though. She needs to respect you.

Forgive for saying she sounds quite insecure. It's not your responsibility to big her up if you know what I mean. Think this is extra important for relationships you want to go the distance because the issues will only come up later...