I'm pregnant & husband called me a fucking bitch for not going to his father's funeral

[allisonjade]

I'm 5 months pregnant, very difficult pregnancy (lost a twin at 14 weeks, had a hematoma so been on bed rest and working from home). My husband's father passed away last Friday and today is his funeral. It's out of town and as much as I would have loved to be at my husband's side during this difficult time, I chose to stay at home. I had an amniocentesis done on Monday, and just can't take the risk of losing another baby.

He has sent me a string of messages since last night saying that it's unacceptable that I'm not there, that I'm selfish, that I'm not the person he thought I was, that there will be consequences on my decision (that when our child is born, he doesn't even want my mother to see her and that he won't hold back on criticizing them when he feels like it), that there is no need to give our child his surname since I am not up to honoring his surname myself,, that my behaviour is shameful and embarrassing... and just now, he phoned me from the funeral to tell me that I'm a fucking bitch for not being there.

I'm trying not to get too upset since I am pregnant... I've tried to be supportive and understand his grief but this is now getting to be abusive. Is my marriage doomed? If he's done this now, who's to say he won't leave me soon? Who's to say he won't freak out when the baby comes? I'm honestly shell shocked.

Any advice would be welcome :(

Sounds like he feels you made a decision, you chose the baby over him.

Of course she did. So would I, in a similar situation. So, arguably, would any mother worthy of the name. Perhaps it's not possible to comprehend, if you've not been in precisely the same situation, how terrifying pregnancy is when you've experienced prior miscarriage and especially if you've already lost a twin in the earlier stages of the same pregnancy. I'd also suggest that people who are incapable of any modicum of insight into such a situation are unqualified to comment.

@AllisonJade, you are being a good mother by putting your baby first. And a good father should expect no less from you no matter what his own feelings and circumstances. In this situation my own DH would of course want me there. But need trumps want. My child is completely dependent on me and needs me. My husband is not, and doesn't. And I know him well enough to know he would consider me a funny sort of wife and mother if I reasoned in any other way.

I recommend you completely ignore all the apologists for abuse. You are not - repeat NOT - in the wrong here.

So how is risking losing a third loved one going to help him? If anything he should be treating OP and her baby like gold dust and doing everything he can to protect their health

Exactly. The OP can't win here, if she went and started bleeding and something went wrong the very same people who are criticising her now would tell her "why did you travel when the doctor specifically told you not to! I dont blame your husband for being angry with you not following doctors advice". Urgh.

I’m genuinely horrified at the amount of people saying OP should have gone.

She is on bed rest for what sounds like a highly vulnerable pregnancy after already losing one twin. Going to the funeral would have involved a very long journey on a train, which at this time of year would probably involve not getting a seat. So possibly standing on a train for 3 hours. When she should be ON BED REST.

If she had gone, there is a good chance she’d lose the baby. Which I’m sure none of her H’s husband would have wanted.

And without sounding cruel...his dad is already dead. He’s not coming back. The baby is still alive, and as a mother the OP should be doing everything in her power to take care of her unborn child, as that is what a mother does.

I’m honestly appalled at the amount of you saying she should have gone and seriously risked the life of her child.

Op really sorry for all the losses

Bed rest is bed rest , you clearly explained the journey and you made a risk assessment rightly

I agree that it’s prudent to save all records right now . Of his messages and the medical data

He may well come around and apologise . And if this is a One off crazy event due to grief then onwards and upwards

But as others state abuse commonly starts when someone is pregnant . It’s a
Proven statistic . So stay wise and wary my dear . I hope that he isn’t . That he apologises and you can move on

But be wary

Domestic abuse often starts with the first pregnancy. I'm so sorry for you. You're not in the wrong. Think of your baby and stay safe

Weird replies. Is nobody reading the OPs replies? The funeral is hours away and it wasn't "just" an amnio, she has a hematoma and already lost the twin.

The funeral was 3h train trip 45min car ride away and I was told not to do any travel after the amniocentesis, especially given my history (loss of twin + hematoma

It would not even occur to me to take that risk, nor my dh. If the op has a second miscarriage during the trip or shortly afterwards that is going to be utterly utterly dreadful, and they will always wonder whether it could have been avoided.

Being physically present at the funeral is not the only way to 'support' her dh, who is a grown man who can manage with his wife at the end of the phone for two days. And if he isn't OK with that, he can speak to her without swearing and making threats.

I can’t help thinking many of these posters are so used to putting men’s wellbeing and wants before their own, that an unborn baby seems inconsequential in comparison. That’s the real disgraceful behaviour in all this.

A thousand Amens to this.

Absolutely awful, grief is no reason to behave like this. And you did the right thing IMO, my DDad died over 10 years ago and I would never have treated anyone like this over it. Does he have no other family? Were you the only person that could have been there with him? Cos thats the only reason why someone in your circumstances should be pressured to be there.

Go to your sisters, I would not want to be near him right now.

Take care

I am really worried that things will get worse when the baby arrives. A new baby puts a strain on the best of relationships, this is a guy already prone to anger who has already aimed it at you. He risks exploding when you have to deal with the stresses of a newborn. If I were you I would look at my options and have a way to get out. Are you French? Do you want to stay in France long term? If you give birth in France and get divorced the French courts will expect you to stay in France and often award 50:50 custody.

Just because his dad died doesn't give him a free pass to be a dickhead. Especially to his pregnant wife who is havinG a difficult pregnancy.
He doesn't deserve you

By the way OP try and not get too anxious

He is in the wrong . And the law is on your side here , France or not

Anyone who threatens and
Bullies a pregnant woman who has experienced a loss already is
Somewhat scary

Don’t let him bully you . You haven’t done anything wrong here . Just try and stay calm . You are incubating a Small baby you made the right call . He is wrong

I would never expect someone in bed rest to travel across the country for a funeral

When my dgp died, I was 39.5 weeks pg. could have gone to funeral, but me being there would have put emphasis on me/baby, not dgp. For what it’s worth, think you made right choice. By prioritising your baby you also prioritised the deceased and removed a potential for drama.How it pans out with your DP, needs to be a matter between you two. Wish you love and luck.

Also be careful about the stress this abuse is causing you. Try to relax, can you block him (temporarily), can you speak to his family to support him and explain his state of mind to a caring third party in his family to get them to support him rather than having him lash out at you. This abuse and stress alone could bring on miscarriage.

Speak to your sister. Go round to hers if possible and put yourself and your baby first.

No! No! No! Grief does not give someone the right to Abuse their partner- I’ve lost my parents, a cousin, my grandparents and a friend- it’s not a pass to be an asshole. Sorry but he’s a grown man he needs to get a grip.

Thank you @Fightingmycorner2019

I'm trying to stay calm and not let my blood pressure rise, the anxiety is making my stomach turn and I'm losing my appetite over this.

@Booboostwo This is what I'm worried about too. I hope it's just a one off thing.

When my MIL died, one of my SILs didn't come to the funeral for very similar reasons, although she had been very close to MIL. Nobody thought anything of it, and MIL would not have wanted her to put her baby at risk. It's entirely reasonable to protect an unborn child rather than undertake a long journey, funeral or not. I really hope that her partner was not abusive to her because of it.

In this situation I absolutely would not put my pregnancy at risk and I don't believe that many other people would either. It's strange how often some posters will leap in to make any situation the OP's fault though.

It’s not ok that he talked to you like that.

It’s not ok that on the phone last week you mutually agreed that you should not go and he didn’t hint that would really upset him.

Having said all that you were ultra cautious not to go to the funeral. I went to a funeral two hours from home when I was four days overdue. I felt I had to be there for the bereaved and if worse came to worse I could give birth at a hospital near the funeral.

He absolutely should not be speaking/ treating you like this but I do think you should of gone to support him

@crystal1717 Yesterday I spoke with his mother, uncle and brother, who all agreed that I shouldn't come and said they would have been worried if I had. My MIL even phoned me this morning to be sure I wasn't making the journey. I just wish my husband could have the same reaction...

I went to a funeral two hours from home when I was four days overdue
were you specifically advised by your doctor not to travel? had you already lost one baby in the pregnancy? if not then your situation is nothing whatsoever like the OPs. Being overdue is not remotely the same thing as being told to go on bedrest

@moctodtensmum a full term, healthy pregnancy cannot be compared to a 5 month pregnancy with pre existing issues! if you had gone into labour, 99% chances are all would have been fine. For the OP, this is highly unlikely!

Some of the ignorance around obstetric complications on this thread is really dreadful.
The OP has not just had a straight forward amnio. She has miscarried one twin, had a complicated amnio and a haematoma, presumably a retroplacental bleed.
This carries a risk of both fetal and maternal death.
Back in the day she would have been kept in hospital, never mind bedrest at home.
No way should she have gone on a long journey.
I have lost my parents, my sibling and my adult child. Also had a late miscarriage.
Never have I spoken to any member of my family, let alone my dh, the way this man spoke to her.

Sorry, OP, but I think your marriage is over. You weren't there when he needed you most and he will never forgive you.

Of course he shouldn't have spoken to you as he did but he's grief-stricken and needed you with him.

No winners here, I understand why you felt you couldn't travel.

OP you were absolutely right not to go.

To those suggesting the OP should have ignored medical advice and risked Jeopardising health of herself and her baby I’m appalled! It’s unfortunate that her DH feels unsupported but that doesn’t make his abuse acceptable.

I’m also deeply suspicious of any man who decides to leave his grieving wife home alone for Christmas. He’s not a good man.

I can’t believe all the advice to go to the funeral and risk THE LIFE OF HER BABY. Fucking disgraceful. OP you 100% did the right thing. Grief can do funny things is one thing but what he’s doing.. nah that’s not on. Let it go but if he turns like that again then get rid. I’m sorry this is happening to you