I'm pregnant & husband called me a fucking bitch for not going to his father's funeral

[allisonjade]

I'm 5 months pregnant, very difficult pregnancy (lost a twin at 14 weeks, had a hematoma so been on bed rest and working from home). My husband's father passed away last Friday and today is his funeral. It's out of town and as much as I would have loved to be at my husband's side during this difficult time, I chose to stay at home. I had an amniocentesis done on Monday, and just can't take the risk of losing another baby.

He has sent me a string of messages since last night saying that it's unacceptable that I'm not there, that I'm selfish, that I'm not the person he thought I was, that there will be consequences on my decision (that when our child is born, he doesn't even want my mother to see her and that he won't hold back on criticizing them when he feels like it), that there is no need to give our child his surname since I am not up to honoring his surname myself,, that my behaviour is shameful and embarrassing... and just now, he phoned me from the funeral to tell me that I'm a fucking bitch for not being there.

I'm trying not to get too upset since I am pregnant... I've tried to be supportive and understand his grief but this is now getting to be abusive. Is my marriage doomed? If he's done this now, who's to say he won't leave me soon? Who's to say he won't freak out when the baby comes? I'm honestly shell shocked.

Any advice would be welcome :(

I don’t

What the fuck does bed rest mean ? Only bed rest unless it’s a funeral ?

NO . It’s bed rest . Not ‘Sit on a crowded train for 3.5 hours each way and then attend a stressful event then stand at a grave , then try and sit at a wake and have awkward conversations

Jesus . If it was my partner I’d ban them from attending the funeral

OP stay calm calm

If he really is an arsehole you can
Manage without him . Do not let him bully
You

I’m actually speechless at those excusing this mans disgusting behaviour.

Some absolutely ridiculous comments here!

Wtaf is wrong with some people.

I can guarantee that if the roles were reversed I’d stand by my position. First of all the roles can’t be reversed, because OP is PREGNANT. She has already lost one baby the life of her baby (his baby, ffs) to consider. There is no equivalent for a male.

But, if a man was in danger of dying and had been given medical orders not to travel and hence was unable to attend the funeral of his wife’s parent, and she lashed out at him with that kind of vile, abusive vitriol, I sure as hell would NOT be getting on the man’s case. No. It would be just as wrong of her to behave that way, grief or not, and I’d be saying that her behaviour was ugly, nasty and absolutely out of order.

Too late now but could you not have hired or borrowed a wheelchair and gone? I can't think of a time a spouse would be needed more for support than at the loss of a parent or child. I think you should have been there.

Sigh. *...and has the life of her baby to consider.

Yes, horrible and out of line but come on, his dads just died!

Does that give him free reign to be an asshole? I don't think so. Plenty of people lose parents and manage to get through the funeral without turning into an abusive prick. Grief is no excuse for the way he has behaved.
Op given he has anger issues I'd seriously consider a future with him.

Having said all that you were ultra cautious not to go to the funeral. I went to a funeral two hours from home when I was four days overdue. I felt I had to be there for the bereaved and if worse came to worse I could give birth at a hospital near the funeral.

Were you also on bed rest??

Too late now but could you not have hired or borrowed a wheelchair and gone? I can't think of a time a spouse would be needed more for support than at the loss of a parent or child. I think you should have been there.

Oh FFS read the thread!

I also love the way that people are telling you you should have gone when they also have not idea what a French catholic funeral is like. It’s not half an hour in a crem.

Too late now but could you not have hired or borrowed a wheelchair and gone? I can't think of a time a spouse would be needed more for support than at the loss of a parent or child. I think you should have been there

Just in case you didn’t notice, I’ll say it again, FFS! READ THE THREAD!

Too late now but could you not have hired or borrowed a wheelchair and gone

what part of 'bed rest" do you not understand? the OP would have had to travel ALONE to the funeral because her husband is already there- who is going to push the wheelchair? FFS

It doesn't matter whether you were being overly cautious or even a bit unreasonable in choosing not to go to his Dad's funeral.

His reaction was abusive and completely out of proportion.

(Sorry for swearing on your thread @allisonjade)

Dear OP, as hard as it may be right now, do your very best to compartmentalize things and put his behavior into a box in your mind that can't upset or stress you. You've already lost a child, try to take care of yourself and ignore him.

You asked is your marriage doomed? In your shoes, I would think so. I don't think I could (or would want to) forgive this behavior on his part. When you need him most, no less. That is no man!

Put yourself and your health WAY ahead of any concerns for him or your marriage to him (he doesn't deserve you). Maybe pack some things and go to your sister's. Ask her to get anything else you need from your house for you so you don't have to see him.

There's NEVER an excuse for that type of abuse, but especially not when you're in a fragile health state. Tragedy and hard times are when you cling to each other, support each other, rely on each other.....NOT when you turn on and attack each other. He has shown you who he is in a crisis. Now it's time to show him the door! Congrats on your pregnancy and condolences on your loss. Take care!

Op I think you did the right thing.

There are clearly lots of people on this site that have been fortunate enough to sail through pregnancies without any issues and therefore fail to see the issue with the long journey.

I lost my daughter at 5 months. I'd had episodes of bleeding which had settled. Ironically I'd travelled 3 hours to a family funeral. I bitterly regret having made the journey and being away from doctors that knew my history.

Your husband is no doubt grief stricken, but that doesn't excuse his behaviour. He is out of order and I'd be wary of the threats he is making re your parents.

I’m actually speechless at those excusing this mans disgusting behaviour.

Me too. It's really bizarre. I am really interested in how people come to think this way.

Too late now but could you not have hired or borrowed a wheelchair and gone?

Oh for fucks sake!! Are you that utterly clueless?! Bed rest and no travel means exactly that.

I’m also prepare to guarantee that there would have been no way the OPs arsehole husband would have assisted her using a wheelchair.

It's clear that neither of you are the people the other thought you were: I think this marriage isn't recoverable, from either side.

I hope all goes well with the rest of your pregnancy, OP

This thread is unbelievable. The op was told by doctors to remain in bed rest. How on earth is she the bad guy for not going?

t's clear that neither of you are the people the other thought you were

??

whats that mean?

Grief makes you selfish.

He wasn't just 'being selfish', he was being an abusive arsehole and sending threatening texts. There is never any excuse for that.

It's not often that I am utterly aghast by posters on Mumsnet, but today I am. OP, hopefully you can hear the sensible voices in amongst the absolute nonsense the rest are spouting

You have done the right thing. No way i would have gone either. No idea where you go from here with regards to your marriage, i think it would be over for me, the way he has spoken to you is unforgivable imo.

This thread is making me realise why women in abusive relationships feel terrified of telling anyone for fear of being disbelieved or blamed for it.
Its a real eye opener and its absolutely shocking.

It looks to me like Mr. Prone-to-anger has taken the gloves off. Grief might have loosened his tongue, grief can make you think 'what's the point of hiding something when we all die in the end'. But those words have not come from grief, they have always been there - the only difference now is that he's stopped hiding them from you. He is telling you who he is, and I think you should believe him.

I hate this misinterpretation of Maya Angelou’s wisdom. She wasn’t speaking of when people go off the rails. She wasn’t speaking of someone doing something hurtful and horrible after years together, and having a family together. She wasn’t speaking of how people make huge mistakes and behave badly. We all do that.

Angelou was talking about us and our power as individuals to separate the wheat from the chaff, and how so few of us choose to do so because of...well...social conditioning, probably.

She was saying to stop blaming others and being angry at others for our own self-deceptions and probable hurt caused by said self-deceptions.

The OP hasn’t indicated that her husband has only just now, in this moment of incredible stress for them both, shown his true colours. For all we know he’s been amazing up until this time.

My point is that he’s not “showing” her who he is with this appalling and horrible behaviour. Because he’s shown her lots of other behaviour.

It’s possible OP will reflect and retrospectively see that he showed her all of this early on, but that’s not what I’ve inferred from her posts.

Until then, let’s not pretend that people only “show” their real selves after years of knowing them. Let’s advise the OP to look to herself for knowledge of her husband, as she is the only one on this thread who actually knows the man.

She wasn’t “strictly” on bed rest.

OP, I’m going to be honest, I think you made a terrible choice.

FWIW, I discharged myself from hospital to go to my step-grandmother’s funeral, at 34 weeks pregnant having been hospitalised from 25 weeks with extremely high risk of premature labour.