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Original poster

I'm pregnant & husband called me a fucking bitch for not going to his father's funeral

930 replies

allisonjade · 28/12/2019 14:11

I'm 5 months pregnant, very difficult pregnancy (lost a twin at 14 weeks, had a hematoma so been on bed rest and working from home). My husband's father passed away last Friday and today is his funeral. It's out of town and as much as I would have loved to be at my husband's side during this difficult time, I chose to stay at home. I had an amniocentesis done on Monday, and just can't take the risk of losing another baby.

He has sent me a string of messages since last night saying that it's unacceptable that I'm not there, that I'm selfish, that I'm not the person he thought I was, that there will be consequences on my decision (that when our child is born, he doesn't even want my mother to see her and that he won't hold back on criticizing them when he feels like it), that there is no need to give our child his surname since I am not up to honoring his surname myself,, that my behaviour is shameful and embarrassing... and just now, he phoned me from the funeral to tell me that I'm a fucking bitch for not being there.

I'm trying not to get too upset since I am pregnant... I've tried to be supportive and understand his grief but this is now getting to be abusive. Is my marriage doomed? If he's done this now, who's to say he won't leave me soon? Who's to say he won't freak out when the baby comes? I'm honestly shell shocked.

Any advice would be welcome :(

OP posts:
Cyw2018 · 28/12/2019 16:03

As someone who lost my dad whilst I was 9 weeks pregnant and suffering hyperemesis, I don't think you were being unreasonable to stay at home.

If traveling too and attending my df funeral had risked my pregnancy I wouldn't have gone, no matter how emotionally hard that would have been. My df wouldn't have wanted me to risk my pregnancy, he was desperate for a grandchild and after I told him I was pregnant less than 48 hours before he died, despite being in and out of consciousness and despite me telling him not to tell anyone, he still managed to tell two sets of uncles/aunts, his best friend and the hospice chaplain.

Could your husband have been drunk when saying these things? (Not that it excuses it).

I think you should seriously consider not being completely alone with him until you know he has calmed down and he has apologised. He is clearly either very angry, mentally unstable or both. The riskiest time in a women's life for being murdered is during pregnancy or in the first few weeks after childbirth, DO NOT allow yourself to get into a situation where you risk becoming a statistic!

WingingItSince1973 · 28/12/2019 16:04

Has anyone not properly read what OP is saying. Shes been told to have bed rest and no travelling after her amniocentisis. The funeral was hours away by train and then a car journey. Not just the local church. I have absolutely no sympathy for someone who can call their wife such awful names and threaten while she is pregnant with this baby and has such an awful pregnancy. My husband wouldn't dream of talking to me like that under any circumstances! His fathers death is awful and his grief will be difficult for him but to call his wife names and text her threats because she physically cant be there is out of line and his father would have probably been disgusted too. I too had a very delicate first pregnancy which nearly led to us both dying twice, I too would have put my baby first if necessary and did everything I could to keep her safe until I had her by emergency section at 37 weeks. If hes going to continue being this vile then I suggest going to your sisters until you are able to carry on back at home. Keep safe xxxx

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 28/12/2019 16:05

I think you are both to blame. You won't lose a baby by walking in and out of a church/crematorium

What part of the fact that the OP has already lost one of her wee twins, did you happen to miss, BlaueLagune?

madcatladyforever · 28/12/2019 16:05

I'd be off before he gets back OP and I wouldn't go back. He doesn't sound like the kind of man I'd want for my child.
I only respect men who can control themselves and put others first.
His dad doesn't know who is attending the funeral, he is dead. There are plenty of other relatives there to support him.
A miscarriage at the funeral would have been hideous.

fairynick · 28/12/2019 16:05

I’m not saying he’s right in what he said, but I can’t say I’d act differently in his situation. Grief makes you selfish. Obviously you’ve had a difficult pregnancy and that will have affected that along with losing a pregnant. It’s been a very traumatic time for you both. If you can get through this then you can get through anything. Best of luck and try not to be too hard on each other ❤️

Welltroddenpath · 28/12/2019 16:06

You poor thing. I would be scared for you if he comes home in this temper. At the very least give your sister a heads up and pack a overnight or two bag. If he comes home raging then get your sister to get you away from him. Last thing you need is stress or high bp. I had preeclampsia two weeks after my dad died. Maybe stress was a factor in that.

You can keep on reassuring him that you are their for him but ultimately he needs to calm down and apologise for this. If he keeps on holding it against you for say a few weeks I can’t see how it’s in the normal allowances of grief. He has already massively overstepped and unless he is in a crisis it’s not forgivable.

Breakdown / crisis you can work through and rebuild but being a arsehole, not fixable. Time will tell you which it is, but please stay safe right now

Thinkingabout1t · 28/12/2019 16:07

I sympathise with anyone whose father or mother has recently died, and I’ll never forget how painful that time was for me.

But my god, that does not excuse such vicious abusive behaviour, and towards a woman who has lost one twin and is trying not to lose the other. I would find it hard to forgive such abuse and threats towards anyone, let alone his wife.

Red flag: you mentioned that he is prone to anger. Domestic violence often begins during a pregnancy, and aggressive behaviour can very easily turn to physical abuse.

OP, please call your sister amd go to stay with her if possible. You are vulnerable and must put yourself (and baby) first, as he’s not going to.

user1492809438 · 28/12/2019 16:07

To all the apologists saying this man is grieving, no desperate grief can excuse his language and attitude. He was prepared for his wife to risk her own health and his unborn child to make an appearance at his side. He has no love or repect for you OP, tell him he has now lost his wife and should not return to you. On no account put him on the birth certificate. He is vile and not fit to be a father [or husband[.

Alexandra80 · 28/12/2019 16:08

Agree with welltrodden that I'd let my sister know just to be on the safe side. So you can get her to collect your or get a taxi or something if shit hits the fan when he gets back. You're very vulnerable right now physically and hopefully it's a total overreaction but I'd have it in place ready to go in case.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 28/12/2019 16:08

but I can’t say I’d act differently in his situation. Grief makes you selfish.

Then you need to learn how to control your behaviour. Your misery does not give you the right to abuse others. It’s called taking responsibility for your own behaviour. I toe he hasn’t contacted the OP to apologise, so this wasn’t an outburst of impulsive nasty behaviour or he’d be on the phone by now, apologising to her.

SunsetBoulevard3 · 28/12/2019 16:09

There is no excuse for him talking to you like that, none at all. If I were you I would not want him back and I would end the relationship. He sounds deeply unpleasant and abusive.

beautifulstranger101 · 28/12/2019 16:09

Grief makes you selfish

No, it doesnt. Ive lost both my parents, Ive never called my partner a "fucking bastard" or sent him threatening or abusive texts. There is no excuse for verbal abuse and OP has already said he has a problem with anger which is extremely concerning. This is exactly how domestic violence starts and it frequently starts in pregnancy. OP- please go and stay wit your sister, I am worried for you.

Fleetheart · 28/12/2019 16:09

No justification for his nasty behaviour. Would any of us be abusive to the future parent of our child in this situation. I don’t think so.

Gogreen · 28/12/2019 16:10

Your in the wrong, his dad died and you left him to handle it when he needed you the most and you wasn’t there.

If the roles were reversed everyone would be saying he was diabolical for not going with you to a parents funeral!

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 28/12/2019 16:12

You can keep on reassuring him that you are their for him but ultimately he needs to calm down and apologise for this.

No one should have to ‘keep reassuring’ someone who has behaved in such a disgusting manner towards them. That’s giving over control to someone who has the potential to be an abuser.

beautifulstranger101 · 28/12/2019 16:12

his dad died

Did you not read the part where her baby died? She is also grieving.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/12/2019 16:12

I wouldn’t have gone either. You did the right thing to protect your baby op. I think some distance between you and your husband would be good. If things don’t work out between you and him, please ensure you live in the country you wish to settle in for the next 18 years before you give birth. Flowers

Gogreen · 28/12/2019 16:12

And he also lost a twin too, not just the OP, two deaths is probably two too many is such a short space of time.

MirriMazDuur · 28/12/2019 16:13

Domestic abuse often starts when a woman is pregnant.

RiftGibbon · 28/12/2019 16:13

I may be reiterating as have only been able to read the first page, but OP has said that she has already lost a baby - one of twins so is also likely to be grieving.
Yes, I understand that her husband has lost a child AND his father but his behaviour is unacceptable? OP is on bed rest and could lose the remaining child.
There are no correct solutions for OP to pursue but the way her husband is treating her is horrible.

Cuteypye · 28/12/2019 16:13

@Butterfly84 “It is a very big thing for you have not to have gone to his father's funeral. You could have gone to the car in a wheelchair, sat through the service and then been brought home; I don't think that's much different to bed rest, you're still sitting down the whole time.”

Except it wasn’t just a car journey! It was a 3 hour train journey (which the op would have to have done by herself, given her “d”h was already with his family) followed by a 45 minute car journey then the same again in reverse to get home!! Very much different to bed rest!
Please read what the op has said before spouting such utter rubbish!!!!

CanIHaveADrink · 28/12/2019 16:15

Just one comment about how, IN THE UK, the advice would have been ONE day bed rest so the OP should have travelled....

I know by experience that what a gynaecologist will tell you in the UK can be completely opposite to what a gynae in France will tell you to do.
The OP has been told to avoid ANY travel mor than one hour even after 1.5 week after the amio. This could be due to different ‘rules’ in France or because of her history with the pregnancy.
What you just CANNOT do is tell her she is wrong for following her gynae advice.

She followed a professional advice and clearly would have felt responsible if she had travelled and then lost the baby. I suspect her DH would also have hold her accountable too.... :(
So on that pov, this was the right decision.

@allisonjade, I think this is one of those where I would wait and see and how he behaves in the next few days/weeks.
If he carries on being such a twat, then you might need to reassess your options.

(Btw, being in France, I would be VERY CAREFUL about keeping all the messages he has sent you as well as being very careful about any messages you sent him. I would keep all the messages, infos etc.. that the gynae has sent you too about the pregnancy and the not travelling. IF things fo really sour and you end up divorced, this might well be used in the divorce proceedings)

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 28/12/2019 16:16

If the roles were reversed everyone would be saying he was diabolical for not going with you to a parents funeral!

Really? So if his health was at serious risk and traveling so far, against doctor’s advice could potentially have horrendous consequences for him, we’d all be against him? Catch yourself on!

I can’t help thinking many of these posters are so used to putting men’s wellbeing and wants before their own, that an unborn baby seems inconsequential in comparison. That’s the real disgraceful behaviour in all this.

MotherofTerriers · 28/12/2019 16:17

I can't believe people are defending the OP's husband. Grief or no, his behaviour is abusive
Go and stay with your sister OP, take care of yourself and your baby.

If you had travelled and lost this little one you would have had to live with that, and always wondered if the journey caused it.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 28/12/2019 16:19

And he also lost a twin too, not just the OP, two deaths is probably two too many is such a short space of time.

So how is risking losing a third loved one going to help him? If anything he should be treating OP and her baby like gold dust and doing everything he can to protect their health.