I'm pregnant & husband called me a fucking bitch for not going to his father's funeral

[allisonjade]

I'm 5 months pregnant, very difficult pregnancy (lost a twin at 14 weeks, had a hematoma so been on bed rest and working from home). My husband's father passed away last Friday and today is his funeral. It's out of town and as much as I would have loved to be at my husband's side during this difficult time, I chose to stay at home. I had an amniocentesis done on Monday, and just can't take the risk of losing another baby.

He has sent me a string of messages since last night saying that it's unacceptable that I'm not there, that I'm selfish, that I'm not the person he thought I was, that there will be consequences on my decision (that when our child is born, he doesn't even want my mother to see her and that he won't hold back on criticizing them when he feels like it), that there is no need to give our child his surname since I am not up to honoring his surname myself,, that my behaviour is shameful and embarrassing... and just now, he phoned me from the funeral to tell me that I'm a fucking bitch for not being there.

I'm trying not to get too upset since I am pregnant... I've tried to be supportive and understand his grief but this is now getting to be abusive. Is my marriage doomed? If he's done this now, who's to say he won't leave me soon? Who's to say he won't freak out when the baby comes? I'm honestly shell shocked.

Any advice would be welcome :(

Sounds like he feels you made a decision, you chose the baby over him.

It is a very big thing for you have not to have gone to his father's funeral. You could have gone to the car in a wheelchair, sat through the service and then been brought home; I don't think that's much different to bed rest, you're still sitting down the whole time.

However, there is no excuse for your DH's behaviour. He is grieving, yes. But no one grieves in such a way that makes verbally abusing and threatening someone okay. Don't stress yourself, stay calm and seriously consider leaving this man.

Now, if you cannot see where he is coming from and he cannot understand your reasons, you may not be well suited for each other in the long term anyway.

OP stayed home on medical advice. OP's husband agreed that she should stay home. Now he turns round and lets fly - so he's been 'got at' and questioned by his family and has turned it round on OP. This isn't acceptable behaviour. He needs to apologise, look into some help with his anger and probably bereavement counselling further down the line. OP has lost one baby already and is going through a high risk pregnancy - preserving the life that is not already lost should take priority.

i lost my mum,dad and brother within the space of two years and i never spoke to my dp or anyone else like the way he has spoken to you.
i have had an amnio and cvs and i know you are told to rest and if you have already lost one of your babies i can see why you don't want to take the risk
the way he has texted you and spoken to you is totally unacceptable

Sounds like he feels you made a decision, you chose the baby over him.

As she should have.

I’m really shocked at some of the victim blaming posts on here, I don’t think it’s THAT big a deal, it’s a funeral and there will be other relatives there, it’s not that she didn’t want to go, she’s got good reason not to.

He’s an adult and grieving is no excuse for being abusive to your pregnant unwell wife.

Personally I wouldn’t se him the same way again and I’d be seriously considering leaving him, you’ll be much more vulnerable when you’ve got a newborn.

I had a subdural hematoma with my second DS and whilst they said I could leave the house etc whenever I did just a little bit too much I'd gush blood and end up distraught thinking this is it, I'm going to give birth to a dying baby. I'm sure it's different for op but she says she's been in twice since her first twin was passed for bleeding spells so actually there'd be a real risk of her being away from home and bleeding again or miscarrying entirely. I'd be inclined to say that any other situation would be inexcusable but I really don't see how people are justifying that risk. Or overlooking the telling comments about his anger in the first post...

What do you mean by 'prone to anger', @allisonjade? You've witnessed him in anger at the very least. And not always proportionate, from your 'at least'.

He's someone who gets angry easily, then cools off. He has said some hurtful things in arguments, but he has never called me a fucking bitch or anything else similar to what I mentioned in my first post. He can lose his temper not just with me but anyone... colleagues, mother, etc.

It looks to me like Mr. Prone-to-anger has taken the gloves off. Grief might have loosened his tongue, grief can make you think 'what's the point of hiding something when we all die in the end'. But those words have not come from grief, they have always been there - the only difference now is that he's stopped hiding them from you. He is telling you who he is, and I think you should believe him. He is not the person you thought he was, not you who he is accusing.

This is what I'm afraid of...

allison you're protecting the life of your unborn child after one loss already. It's tragic that he's lost his father but he's an adult, his life didn't depend on you going. Your baby's did. And you already discussed it and he agreed so it's not like it was a one sided decision.

I bet someone stuck the knife in at the funeral and its gotten to him. Or he was hiding his true feelings when you spoke. Both of which are shit.

I say this is the absolute kindest possible way, and as someone that has been on bedrest from 26/27 weeks with 2 of my pregnancies.
My Husband's Nan died when I was pregnant. It didn't cross my mind not to go and support him at the funeral. It was physically excruciating but I sucked it up. As this is his DAD it's just absolutely incomprehensible to me that you wouldn't go. I can understand why he's deeply, deeply hurt. It doesn't excuse the way he spoke to you, of course, but I can understand why he's so angry. If it had been one of your parents funerals do you think you would have gone?

Oh god, OP, reading your update makes things even worse. I honestly think you’re going to have serious problems if you stay with this manchild. I can’t help thinking the lose of his father and you being UNABLE to attend the funeral, has actually given him the justification to start abusing you. He will use it as a stick to beat you with because he can ‘justify’ it. Abuse often starts during pregnancy and gets worse as the man sees that he now has you ‘trapped’ by having a child with him.

TBH I would get out now or if you really don’t want to, at very least be very aware of his future behaviour. If he even gives a hint of being manipulative, gaslighting or verbally abusive going forward, I’d get out before the birth and keep his name off the birth certificate.

Sounds like he feels you made a decision, you chose the baby over him.

Yes, this is true. When I spoke to his mother yesterday, she also agreed that it would be worse if something were to happen. It was a crappy situation to be in, and I hated having to make a decision.

I completely understand my husband's grief and even him lashing out a little bit. I just feel this has reached a different level of proportions... I've told him I'm sorry, I've told him I so wanted to be there, I checked in with all his family, we agreed to do what was best for the baby on Thursday, and if the funeral had been just down the road, I'd have been there in a heartbeat

It's absolutely incomprehensible to me that she would go.

It's absolutely incomprehensible to me that you would stand up for a man abusing his pregnant wife in this way.

When people can't go to funerals, is it normal that they get this level of abuse? I was completely unaware of it. (Maybe its a cultural thing)

I honestly don't know what I would do in your shoes. By the sounds of it he has form, it just never was this bad. He's done it once, will he do it again?

Grief can excuse many things so while I have some sympathy I'd worry this is just a sign of things to come, especially if he gets off scot free because he's grieving.

I think you are both to blame. You won't lose a baby by walking in and out of a church/crematorium, and you should have gone.

And he has behaved like an idiot, grief or not.

I think you both need to go to mediation and talk it through. If he won't or can't get over himself, leave.

Some weird people here. I am a husband and a dad - if my wife was advised by a doctor not to travel for the health of our baby, there is no way I would let her travel. Being a parent means putting your child's needs above all else. If her husband was extremely close to his father, then it is very sad that she can't be there on the day, but there are many other ways to show respect.
If his behaviour is totally out of character then perhaps he needs grief counselling. Grief, and the constant questions at the funeral must take a toll. If not, I would be worried about this man's priorities and what kind of parent he will be.

I wouldn’t have gone.
If you’ve had medical advice not to travel in case you risk the life of your unborn child I would not go for anyone’s funeral. Anyone worth their salt wouldn’t expect you to either.

That's what's so strange allison they all agreed and understood. So why the change of heart and sudden abuse?

He shouldn’t have said those things to you, BUT his dad just died, it’s horrible
And, you should have gone

I think you are both to blame. You won't lose a baby by walking in and out of a church/crematorium, and you should have gone.

If you ignore a doctor's explicit advice to not go on an arduous and stressful 4 hour journey for the sake of your child, then you are an idiot.

KindnessCrusader, I didn't! My own father was dying and I didn't go. I didn't make it to his funeral. I was living a long haul flight away 20 weeks pregnant with high-risk precious twins (see my earlier post). Disastrous obstetric history and years of infertility.

I followed medical advice. I didn't go. Nobody screamed abuse at me. I did the right thing. My dad knew I lived him. My family understood.

What good would it have done if I'd lost those babies? I put them first. OP has done the same. I support her decision 100%.

I wouldn't have gone when I'd been told not to travel long distances, either.

Ultimately the husband may not be forever, but the responsibility of looking after this baby will be. For both of you.

I’d wait and see, keep a weather eye on his behaviour.

Yes, his behaviour was appalling. However, he lost his dad a week ago - over Christmas and presumably at a young age if you two are having your first child now. He’s lost one baby just as much as you have. You chose to stay home - for reasons you explained - but that meant he didn’t have the most important person in his life with him to support him at a traumatic event.
He probably had to spend half the damned time explaining to people why you weren’t there.

Grief is raw, messed up, and different for everyone. His anger is a red flag, but I’d keep an eye on things rather than judge him at his most distraught

There is not much I’m certain of in life but the one thing I do know is that a dead baby is not going to make things better here.

What would FIL have wanted. I strongly suspect that protecting his unborn grandchild would be pretty high on his list.