I'm pregnant & husband called me a fucking bitch for not going to his father's funeral

[allisonjade]

I'm 5 months pregnant, very difficult pregnancy (lost a twin at 14 weeks, had a hematoma so been on bed rest and working from home). My husband's father passed away last Friday and today is his funeral. It's out of town and as much as I would have loved to be at my husband's side during this difficult time, I chose to stay at home. I had an amniocentesis done on Monday, and just can't take the risk of losing another baby.

He has sent me a string of messages since last night saying that it's unacceptable that I'm not there, that I'm selfish, that I'm not the person he thought I was, that there will be consequences on my decision (that when our child is born, he doesn't even want my mother to see her and that he won't hold back on criticizing them when he feels like it), that there is no need to give our child his surname since I am not up to honoring his surname myself,, that my behaviour is shameful and embarrassing... and just now, he phoned me from the funeral to tell me that I'm a fucking bitch for not being there.

I'm trying not to get too upset since I am pregnant... I've tried to be supportive and understand his grief but this is now getting to be abusive. Is my marriage doomed? If he's done this now, who's to say he won't leave me soon? Who's to say he won't freak out when the baby comes? I'm honestly shell shocked.

Any advice would be welcome :(

It's good that you have family there. Look, this is like a warning snap that a dog gives before it bites. It might be the best present you could have hoped to have received. Can you stay with your dsis until you have your baby? Because you need to be consulting lawyers asap (and for goodness sake - hold onto those texts!).

@rhubarbarkle. Sorry to be late in answering you. I like to think that I do take a balanced approach and look at what is happening behind the scenes. But, having seen your later posts, I think you have said something about having enough love will make it all ok. No, sorry. This is abusive Behaviour and should not be loved over.

I think many of us have been pregnant on this forum and a good percentage have, realizing that if you have miscarried one twin already and have been to hospital with bleeds twice since, immediately thought ‘vulnerable’. And have empathy for anyone going through this kind of trauma. Obviously your body can’t go through much recovery after a miscarriage if you are still pregnant. However, it seems that you had good pregnancies and had such great support that you never felt vulnerable at all so you can empathize for the husband but skim over the fact that the wife is vulnerable in this pregnancy. I am not even talking about the abuse cycle that often starts with pregnancy, just her and their unborn child’s health)

I also have lost both my parents ( not at same time) and during my grief I might have been snappy once or twice. I think though this is entirely different from grief. I never composed an email threatening my husband. How can you ‘hall pass’ the level of abusive anger that makes even his family advise you to not be alone when he comes home. And they acknowledge that he has anger issues.

How can you ‘hall pass’ a threat of cutting OP off from her own mother. Why would you not allow a new mother, your wife, to have her own mother to come and give help to your wife and child. So you can punish your wife, control her. After all, you have just told her that her safe delivery of a child through a difficult pregnancy is not as important as her child, your own child, deserving your surname. (Whatever your beliefs on surnames are).

No. No hall passes with this behaviour. If in your world it is ok for people to become abusive in times of grief then I am sorry that you have normalized it. What will happen to OP when the stress of having a child starts to cause him to act this way again. A healthy child with no issues at that! A hall pass because this parenting thing is hard?

On the other hand, could there there other mental health issues here? A personality disorder? (Not that this excuses the abuse at all!)

I would take him at his word and keep him off the birth certificate. I wouldn't want him having anything to do with the baby until and unless he deals with a her issues. Yes grief is a reason for his behaviour but it's not an excuse. He needs to take responsibility and you need to keep yourself and your child safe.

The posters who say OP should have gone to the funeral after a MIDWIFE @endofthelinefinally posted to say that she would have done everything in her power to stop OP leaving her bed are so arrogant! What makes them think their opinion is more important than that of medical professionals?

I was a practising midwife for many years. If you were my patient I would have done everything in my power to stop you leaving your bed for any reason, never mind the journey you describe.
Please ignore the posters on here that are telling you that you should have travelled. They have no idea, none at all.
Your husband's behaviour is awful.
I wish you all the best with your pregnancy.
Sadly, I fear for you and your child with this man.

Will this be your first child OP? If yes, welcome to the world of putting your child before all else. It doesn't make life easy, but it's worth it.
I remember the day I found out I was pregnant (not expected and I was distraught actually) but I suddenly found myself crossing the road (to get to a pub for alcohol) and covering my tummy (I would have been 5 weeks lol) while I crossed a busy road! That was my introduction to 'parenting'. That love and fear and responsibility you have for your baby. I had never felt anything like it.

*ls there not 1 single person who thinks it is absolutely forgivable/discussable for someone to just lose it for one night

That level of "losing it" is beyond what any reasonable person would do, under any circumstances.*

But that's the whole point; if someone is having a breakdown, they are NOT reasonable. People who have breakdowns do all sorts of unimaginable things that they would never do whilst in a normal state of mind.
Regardless though, if the OP feels that she is in danger from him then of course she must look after herself first. She needs to make sure he is stable and understands how his behaviour has impacted on her, but that might take time and he may need to be assessed as to his state of mind by others more experienced.
OP, would you be able to speak to his GP before he returns? They may be able to advise you on what to do in terms of having your DH s mental health checked.
For those on here who have shown extreme vitriol towards posters whose opinion you don't agree with, shame on you! When you have one side to a story, of course you form opinions. Some of you think this man should be strung up for being a life long abuser, some that the OP should have gone to the funeral to support him, that she should leave him immediately and never let him see his unborn child. Only the OP really knows the full story, knows what her DH is really like. The rest of us can only make assumptions based on what we are being told. We cannot, and should not, make judgements on either side based on half a story. Trying to see his side of things doesn't mean that you support men who abuse their partners!

@allisonjade

If I forgive him after this, does it give him leverage to be worse in the future? It's very difficult divorcing someone in France.

Since he has form for anger and outbursts, this does appear to be an escalating pattern. A person who has this kind of violent response to life's vagaries is not someone I would want as a partner in life. A person's reaction when things do not go their way tells you everything about their character.

Take his mother's concerns for your and your unborn child's safety very seriously.

As suggested by other posters who have personal experience with abusive partners and international marriage, do not put his name on the birth certificate and return to the UK as soon as it is feasible (before or after the birth).

Also, keep copies of all of the threats and abusive text messages in case you end up needing them for divorce proceedings.

Give serious thought to the kind of life you want your child to have and whether that will be possible with your partner in your life.

Take very good care of yourself. So glad your supportive sister is nearby.

@bottler, your posts are the calm in the storm.

@winesalot, sorry for your losses, genuinely.

Sometimes hall passes are just that and sometimes they should be heeded and we are all selfish, just be kind to whoever you love and if you know they are prone to emotional highs or lows even if it doesn't serve yourself well, just be kind and listen and be kind.

@Soontobe60

What is your point?

I too think you should get back to the UK asap.

I know you shouldn't travel but you and your baby are now both at risk. At the least go to your sister's immediately. Do not stay at home in case he comes back without his family realising he's left and being able to earn you.

What an awful situation to be in OP. You truly have my sympathies. I'm very sorry but I think there is no way you can come back from this. He's let you down terribly. More than that he's frightening and threatening. It would be like living with a lion. Waiting for it to attack.

If this is the end of ypur marriage, do you even want to stay in france? Once the baby is born in France the Hague convention could mean that he has the power to stop you from taking tge baby to the UK to live there. You might want to think very carefully in the coming weeks where you want to live at the time of tge birth.

Please be careful. He sounds violent.

Thanks rhubarb. I only mentioned them to highlight the fact that what he is doing is not just ‘grieving’.

Absolutely agree with being kind, it is a philosophy that I aspire to live by and you seem to as well.

In saying that, kindness and love needs to be balanced with the knowledge that this behaviour is abusive and should not be glossed over. Recommending that someone just use kindness is not actually assisting anyone to work out what need to deal with their own future sadly. She should certainly use kindness and love in dealing with her husband AND her future child.

For OP to make decisions does involve being able to judge for herself that the behaviour has crossed the line into abuse . And to think about what the future holds for their child.

If he needs MH assistance, he needs and deserves to get it. And that has to come from him. One of these outbursts as a stand alone incident maybe. However, this has moved from ‘one incident’ and the continued punishment is just wrong.

@DrinkFeckArseGirls read the fucking previous threads. What a nasty comment.

I read the other linked thread hence my comment.

@Winesalot, you are a kind person within your responses, I do appreciate that and @allisonjade between @Winesalot and @bottler you have your answer. People with sense.

Why do people think grief is an excuse for his terrible behaviour?

Of course grief is awful but it’s also just a normal part of life that happens to us all. It’s not an excuse to treat people like shit. If he called someone at his work a ducking bitch do you think “grieving “ would be a good enough excuse not to sack him? Answer - it wouldn’t. So why should the OP, his spouse and pregnant with his child, tolerate it?

If he was any kind of man at all he would never expect his wife in w million years to take risks against medical advice just to stand by his side at a funeral.

And who has assessed him as “having a mental breakdown “? Has he been medically assessed or is it just an assumption made by someone due to his behaviour?

Either way, he can get himself to the doctor if he needs medical help. The OP already has her own Healy and that of her baby to worry about, he’s w big boy and can look after himself,

OP I don't feel either of you will be able to get back from this, I'm not saying this is your fault but clearly he's angry with you not being there (even if he said he didn't mind you not attending) clearly he did mind and now he's turned very nasty towards you, so since reading all updates I'd suggest not waiting around, go to your sisters, look after you and your baby. Yes he will think he can treat you like shit if you do stay with him. Taking into account that he is grieving I also feel he may be unpredictable and that further tells you to stay away somewhere safe. Don't reply to any horrible messages you may receive he needs to realise he isn't the only one going through stress right now. I know it's easier said than done but please try not to stress over this man instead put all of your energy into looking after your baby, I'm happy to hear you have support because it's definitely needed right now.

Oh bloody hell

I think you need to be very, very careful and really consider whether you want to continue with this relationship. If his own mother has warned you then I really dread to think what he is capable of. Do you want to walk on eggshells for the rest of your life? What happens the next time he has a bereavement - are you and your baby going to have to go into hiding until he’s no longer a risk?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, after everything you’ve been through this is not fair. But you have to think and think fast.

You need to seriously think where you go from here and what your options are, including if you want to remain in France. Have your sister come over, tell her what happen and get some comfort and support from the people that love you.

Hopefully he will really stay away and that will give you some respite to think about all of this and start getting things in order. Maybe even talk to a lawyer if any are open at the moment.

Don't forget in all of this to look after yourself and the baby, eat,sleep take it easy.

Don't message him anymore, it's pointless at this time, just makes you a target.

It’s not an excuse to treat people like shit. If he called someone at his work a ducking bitch do you think “grieving “ would be a good enough excuse not to sack him? Answer - it wouldn’t. So why should the OP, his spouse and pregnant with his child, tolerate it?

According to one poster there had been no abusive behaviour- goodness only knows what world that poster lives in where calling their vulnerable pregnant wife a "fucking bitch" isn't abusive. I sincerely hope that particular poster is not bringing up sons.

Say to him don't worry you won't be around the abuse my mother as I won't be around and neither will she.
If you have your own house ask him to put it up for sale and buy a little place for you and your baby. X
You need to stand up to him in some way , otherwise your life will be hell. X