I'm pregnant & husband called me a fucking bitch for not going to his father's funeral

[allisonjade]

I'm 5 months pregnant, very difficult pregnancy (lost a twin at 14 weeks, had a hematoma so been on bed rest and working from home). My husband's father passed away last Friday and today is his funeral. It's out of town and as much as I would have loved to be at my husband's side during this difficult time, I chose to stay at home. I had an amniocentesis done on Monday, and just can't take the risk of losing another baby.

He has sent me a string of messages since last night saying that it's unacceptable that I'm not there, that I'm selfish, that I'm not the person he thought I was, that there will be consequences on my decision (that when our child is born, he doesn't even want my mother to see her and that he won't hold back on criticizing them when he feels like it), that there is no need to give our child his surname since I am not up to honoring his surname myself,, that my behaviour is shameful and embarrassing... and just now, he phoned me from the funeral to tell me that I'm a fucking bitch for not being there.

I'm trying not to get too upset since I am pregnant... I've tried to be supportive and understand his grief but this is now getting to be abusive. Is my marriage doomed? If he's done this now, who's to say he won't leave me soon? Who's to say he won't freak out when the baby comes? I'm honestly shell shocked.

Any advice would be welcome :(

Also OP, the most worrying thing to me is again me harping on about him not wanting your baby to see your Mum. It suggests to me that he feels he owns the baby and that might not bode well for how things pan out in a divorce.

This must be most unsettling when you've enough on your plate, but now might be a better time to separate from him than later... I'm just thinking out loud/rambling really.

I didn't see anything nasty

Victim-blaming. One example of several: BlaueLagune of page 4 "I think you are both to blame."

I think everyone actually missed the question in the thread really i.e. what should the OP do now.

I joined this thread because I saw it in Trending. Someone upthread said they saw it in Trending and mistook it for AIBU. I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of posters made that mistake.

FWIW, I did answer the thread question on p6: suggested that the OP send copies of the messages to her MIL and prepare for divorce.

Ok let's switch this round, say the OP had gone and worst case scenario lost her baby. What's to say her husband then blames her for this loss because she didn't listen to what the doctor said.

I think you were right to stay at home, I wouldn't have risked it especially if I had been advised not to.

Also to add to that, would the posters who are saying she should have gone, if this thread was about her going and losing the baby, would you all be saying the same thing?...or would you berate her for going?

@ChickenTikkaTellMeWhatsWrong

I think the OP's real question wasn't whether she was right to go or not but what she should do now.

His own mother who is also grief stricken thinks the guy is so irrational with anger that he poses a risk to the OP, bad enough to warn her off her son. Let that sink in. Imagine how off the rails your son must be before you warn his pregnant partner that he is a risk to her.

I agree with most of your post, Bottler.

I disagree that this man is out of control. He is in control of himself. He is using a display of anger for some purpose, not losing his temper.

So far in his life, displays of anger have got him something he values more than true, honest relationships featuring mutual affection - that is power/control over other people, and also a safe emotional distance from other people while simultaneously making sure that people are paying attention to him and his moods.

He is also dangerous. This is because he uses his anger as a means of control and control is more important to him than the potential of losing friends, alienating his mother, and frightening his wife who is carrying their baby. His life has entered a phase in which nothing is about him any more - he has serious competition for attention in the shape of his pregnant wife and future baby - and in which nothing is really under his control any more. For the time being the main cause of his anger is the dawning of realisation (because of all the attention she is receiving from her family and his and from medical professionals as a result of being pregnant) that his wife is a separate person, not an extension of his personality. He is no different from every other common-or -garden abuser in this. It's a very familiar pattern.

Statistically, a woman is more at risk from an abusive partner during pregnancy than at any other time. France has higher rates of domestic violence than almost any other western European country. Abusive partners murder one woman in France every three days. Almost 200,000 women are recorded as victims of some form of physical or sexual violence inflicted by a partner or former partner in France annually.

So I suspect that Bottler's assumption that the French dote on new mothers is naive, and allisonjade should not use it as a means of gauging the level of danger she is in.

The thing is, surely the chance of the op losing the baby because of travel were really tiny. Ready is recommended for 24, maybe 48 hours at a push after amino, this is 5 days later.

I can totally understand why the OP is anxious about the pregnancy -and that comes across as she's trying not to feel to you in case it raises her blood pressure, but from what she's days it sounds like it's 10% real concern and about 90% health anxiety which actually stopped her going.

Like many other posters, I think she should have gone, and i can see why her husband was very upset. I think he overreacted, and maybe that's rightly set off alarm bells about his anger.

I find it a little sad that he seems to be having some kind of emotional breakdown, and your thoughts aren't more about supporting him through this overwhelming grief that he feels.

I know you are very very anxious about your baby, but I think you're husband deserves more support than he's getting from you. I'd he continues to be so angry and with his outbursts, then reconsider the relationship by all means.

An update this morning:

All last eve I was on the phone to his family and even contacted a friend of his who couldn't come to the funeral to explain the situation to him. Not one person in his life or mine thinks that I should have gone to the funeral, given my medical situation.

His uncle and mother were particularly worried about his mental state yesterday but apparently he is not speaking to either of them now. Silent treatment. He spent the evening at his brother's place, and his brother's wife and I were in contact, she was checking on his mental state. He had an outburst towards his brother at one point, but managed to keep it together apparently. He will be staying down at his family's place until after new year apparently (so I'm told, he has not told me when he's coming back). We were supposed to spend new years together, at home, quietly this year. I have to suppose that he is trying to punish me for not being at his side. I've asked his family to kindly let me know if he's coming back up sooner, I would like to stay at my sister's if he is still in this frame of mind.

I have yet to have an apology, phone call or text, he has left my whatsapp messages on unread. Usually, after an argument, he is quick to say sorry. Not this time. He didn't even reply to say he was happy after we got the preliminary amnio results (which were good). And given his recent messages about our unborn child, I'm not sure he even wants this child even more - he told me he doesn't think the child should have his surname, because I the mother, am unworthy of honoring the surname!

If I forgive him after this, does it give him leverage to be worse in the future? It's very difficult divorcing someone in France. But I do feel some relief in that everyone around me in real life is on my side (not that I want sides, had the circumstances been different, I would have been at my husband's side to support him during this difficult time).

I am worried that his mother told me to have my sister with me when he gets back. She also mentioned to me that "people like this can become violent" - I think she has been deeply hurt by his behaviour over the past few days, she cried on the phone saying that she never imagined having a son who would turn their backs on her in times of grief. She also thinks he needs to see a psychiatrist/mental health help.

Hugthesugee

Please at least read all the OP’s posts. I am sure her medical advice comes from someone who has the expertise to make it. And it seems NOT to be about just the amnio. It was most likely given due to the initial reasons for the first twins loss!!!

It suggests to me that he feels he owns the baby

bottler, you've nailed it. He thinks he owns the baby. He thinks he owns the OP too. That, and the all-day nature of the verbal abuse, separates this from an outburst caused by grief and makes it clear that this is the real him.

I'm annoyed that I didn't see that myself. I was so close: I asked sarcastically upthread:
The OP's H threatened to stop the OP's mother from seeing the child once born. (How did he propose to do that? Lock the OP in the house?)

Of course he would think he could stop the OP from taking DC to gran's if he thinks he owns the OP, with or without locking OP in ths house.

A few comments on that, Hugtheduggee.

The OP lost a baby at 14 weeks and had a hematoma, requiring bedrest/working from home, followed by amniocentesis five days before the funeral. Optimal time period for amnio is between 15 and 20 weeks of pregnancy. The OP is probably no more than 6 weeks on from losing one of her twins. She and her H and his family all agreed that she should take the medical advice she was given seriously and stay home. Having a miscarriage later than the first trimester sort of focuses your mind on what can go wrong. Of course she is anxious. The risk is that she would miscarry again.

Nobody but a medical professional can actually help if someone is having a breakdown, either 'emotional' (what is an 'emotional breakdown', actually?) or a MH crisis.

There is no amount of 'support' that will soothe this man, who is given to demonstrations of temper for the benefit of family, colleagues, and spouse. The crisis he is experiencing is not caused by his wife staying at home instead of traveling for the funeral.

allysonjade

I am glad to hear that you have some space for now. I am so sorry to hear that he has continued in this way.

You are absolutely right when you question if this is the ‘start’. It is well worth considering that this cycle will continue to occur whenever he hits another stress event. And yes, the not spending new year with you is punishment but sadly, use this time to work out your next steps.

Will he change with counselling? No one can answer that unfortunately. Just time. Just make sure you and your child are safe and always have a back up plan.

OP, please don't listen to all the lunatics on here saying you are in the wrong. Keep yourself and your baby safe at all costs. There's NO excuse for his behaviour. Not even losing a parent entitles you to be a selfish arsehole. He's about to be a parent himself for fs sake, and this is the way he decides to step up to the responsibility?

Bottler Sun 29-Dec-19 06:42:25

Also OP, the most worrying thing to me is again me harping on about him not wanting your baby to see your Mum. It suggests to me that he feels he owns the baby and that might not bode well for how things pan out in a divorce.
This must be most unsettling when you've enough on your plate, but now might be a better time to separate from him than later... I'm just thinking out loud/rambling really.

THIS ^^

He has symbolically rejected the baby already with his comment that there is no need to give our child his surname since I am not up to honoring his surname myself. There is outright rejection and hostility for the baby there.

This pregnancy represents a threat to his very unhealthy ego. He is fighting tooth and nail against the prospect of the OP having something other than him to focus on, of his family having something other than him to focus on. He cannot cope with the fact that other people have their own existence separate from his, and it is becoming clear that he is not the centre of the universe, something he can't deal with.

@Hugtheduggee
The op first post states she was already on bed rest BEFORE the amnio. Regardless of his small the chance of losing the baby was, who the fuck would actually risk it? Would you really have risked your second twins life to go to a funeral?

@allisonjade OP, you don’t sound safe at all. Please be careful as he could just come back at any time and family may not notice as may think he’s popped out for a bit, gone to visit someone else etc.

Yep, definitely fighting to be the centre of the universe. I wonder whether seeing his Mum sort of reverted him to a child throwing tantrums (I revert to type when with my family, and us siblings joke about it, but I genuinely become a very scared, frightened individual, my dbro becomes the sensible one and dsis becomes the one DM tries to bring onside lol).

All in all, he sounds like a toddler having a tantrum. As Mathanxiety has said, he actually is in control of his anger. He's choosing who sees it.

It's good that he's staying up there or down there or wherever it is for this time, so that you too can be safe and surrounded hopefully by your family.

In the long-run, you definitely need to look at this (and keep those texts). You can separate without getting a divorce - until you get one. For now (and don't delude yourself that it will remain this way), you have allies in both his DM and uncle who can keep you posted.

Hope you're feeling well and all is good with your pregnancy.

Do not exert yourself. Rest, eat, etc.

Can I ask whether you're English? You mention your sister living nearby.

If I forgive him after this, does it give him leverage to be worse in the future?
YES. It gives him leverage.
Do not forgive any more.

At this point you need to stop sending him messages. Sending him messages serves to remind him that you are anxious about his treatment of you and at this point that is encouraging his behaviour. Your attention to him, your attempts to communicate are called 'supply'.
Supply is the attention a narcissist needs to boost his fragile sense of self worth and self esteem.

He is treating everyone in his family terribly right now because he knows everyone is focused on their own grief. Nobody is immune from his rage. His father has stolen attention from him. He has tried to re-establish himself as the centre of attention.
He is treating you abominably because of his deep jealousy of all the attention you are getting because of your pregnancy and its problems. This will not get better. When the baby is born he will find ways to make your life utterly miserable.

It's very difficult divorcing someone in France. But I do feel some relief in that everyone around me in real life is on my side (not that I want sides, had the circumstances been different, I would have been at my husband's side to support him during this difficult time).
You need to consider divorce.
It would be best to start the ball rolling soon.

There is nothing you can do to change the way this man navigates through life. He will always be this way. Please don't imagine that anything you did caused this, anything you do can control this, or cure this. It's something deep inside him.

I am worried that his mother told me to have my sister with me when he gets back. She also mentioned to me that "people like this can become violent" - I think she has been deeply hurt by his behaviour over the past few days, she cried on the phone saying that she never imagined having a son who would turn their backs on her in times of grief. She also thinks he needs to see a psychiatrist/mental health help.
His mother has her head screwed on.

I doubt he will agree to see a psychiatrist though. Or he will agree to go and lie to everyone about what goes on in his sessions, blaming his mother and father, blaming you, learning the language of therapy to manipulate you and continue to require all of your focus.

Narcissism is a very hard nut to crack. Even when the narcissist is committed to change, wall after wall is encountered in the course of the years and years of therapy it takes to make a dent in it.

Please don't pin your hopes on psychotherapy.

I am English but have family in France too.

I'm not sure he even wants this child even more

Of course he doesn't! He now sees that the child is your number one priority and he is now number two at best. Decent men understand that the child starts coming first during pregnancy for the mother but not until birth for the father, but your H is sulking and rowing with his family and verbally abusing you upon realising that he's no longer the most important person for you, so I think we can safely say that he's turned out not to be a decent man.

This next bit will sound callous, but I can't not list all the options I know of...

Do you still feel that carrying this child to term is the best option for you (note: this is not the same as wanting the baby, many women have reluctantly aborted wanted pregnancies because abortion was their safest option), knowing that it will give him leverage over you for 18 years? If not, the abortion time limit here is 23 weeks and six days. If you are at least two weeks less than that and can travel in a screaming hurry, the Abortion Support Network may be able to help with funds and bookings. The one hour travel limit might not be a problem if you no longer want to stay pregnant.

I do think you should divorce him, no matter how your pregnancy ends. This abuse and sulking is how he treats his family, you don't have to put up with it and you deserve better.

OP, if you are a brit, I strongly suggest coming back to UK, to have the child, in case of custody issues, I realise this may not be possible in circumstances. Definitely keep a copy of all these texts, good luck whatever you decide

I do not think he wants this baby either, allisonjade.

This is a horrible thing to think about.

I hope op has stopped reading given she's trying to avoid stress.