I'm pregnant & husband called me a fucking bitch for not going to his father's funeral

[allisonjade]

I'm 5 months pregnant, very difficult pregnancy (lost a twin at 14 weeks, had a hematoma so been on bed rest and working from home). My husband's father passed away last Friday and today is his funeral. It's out of town and as much as I would have loved to be at my husband's side during this difficult time, I chose to stay at home. I had an amniocentesis done on Monday, and just can't take the risk of losing another baby.

He has sent me a string of messages since last night saying that it's unacceptable that I'm not there, that I'm selfish, that I'm not the person he thought I was, that there will be consequences on my decision (that when our child is born, he doesn't even want my mother to see her and that he won't hold back on criticizing them when he feels like it), that there is no need to give our child his surname since I am not up to honoring his surname myself,, that my behaviour is shameful and embarrassing... and just now, he phoned me from the funeral to tell me that I'm a fucking bitch for not being there.

I'm trying not to get too upset since I am pregnant... I've tried to be supportive and understand his grief but this is now getting to be abusive. Is my marriage doomed? If he's done this now, who's to say he won't leave me soon? Who's to say he won't freak out when the baby comes? I'm honestly shell shocked.

Any advice would be welcome :(

oh my god, I had said I wouldn't respond, do you hate men that much

I have two sons, had a wonderful husband who never once verbally abused me and my best friend is a man, so I’m afraid trotting out the tired old ‘woman hating narrative’ will fall flat. Nice try though. Do you always spend your time making excuses for bad behaviour. Do you really hate women that much?

You think I am male because I disagree with you on a forum and state your femaleness, beyond pathetic, the irony is killing me here 😂😂😂 because I am female.Please look back then at the female in your life who has made you feel that perceived male opinions are the only ones worth fighting against (even if they are female???) Where is the bad behaviour? Because I disagreed with you, what an autocrat you must be in real life or are you just the person who thinks all this and hides behind the anonymity of a forum to voice her displeasure and throw aspersions when people don't agree with her?

that if she loves him enough, they can be ok

This is real life, not.Beauty and the Beast. It's not possible to fix someone's poor behaviour by loving them.

You think I am male because I disagree with you on a forum

Can't speak for T0tally, but I thought you were male because you are defending male pattern abuse.

feel that perceived male opinions are the only ones worth fighting against

That's a straw man argument. T0tally never asserted that she only challenges men, you've made that up. Defenders of male pattern abuse are always challenging, regardless of sex.

Where is the bad behaviour?

• The OP's husband called her a "fucking bitch".
• The OP's H shouted at his mother not to talk to him.
• The OP's H threatened to stop the OP's mother from seeing the child once born. (How did he propose to do that? Lock the OP in the house?)
• The OP's H sent several abusive texts to the OP.
• The OP's H has frightened his family enough that they have warned the OP not to be alone when he returns to her. (Why would they do this, other than fear of his violence?)

This is not one-off behaviour. This is not a split-second impulsive action, immediately regretted. This has happened over the course of several hours and has escalated during that time. And you are minimising it.

Defenders of male pattern abuse are always worth challenging, regardless of sex.

I would have figured out a way to be there for the funeral....travelling up the day before by Concorde, Airbnb etc etc. I'm not sure they make Concordes anymore but there's always a way and I, personally, couldn't not be there. But that's just me.

Nothing that has been posted by the OP suggests that it is more than a person who has a temper - big distance between having a temper and being an abusive fucker really

Er hello- he called her a "fucking bitch". That is abusive behaviour.

rhubarbarkle your posts over the last few hours are horrible. What a nasty, spiteful person you are.

Yanbu. Anyone spouting off that they'd risk the life and health of their precious remaining babe and themself needs to take a long hard look in the mirror and ask themself: am i really that irresponsible? Would i really go against consultant advice? Would i risk my baby like this?

Or perhaps they did not rtft and see all these things plus that family in laws and my husband agreed with the doctors advice not to travel?

I hope you go to your sister's. You can be safe there and try not to be to stressed at this time. Then get an update from your in laws tomorrow about your husband's behaviour.

Please look back then at the female in your life who has made you feel that perceived male opinions are the only ones worth fighting against

For what it's worth rhubarbarkle nothing you posted made me think you might be a man. I've met women like you- ignorant, smug, self- satisfied, bigging themselves up at the expense of other people but only demonstrating how deeply unpleasant they are.

OP I hope you are somewhere safe now and that you have ways to keep stress to a minimum. You done the right thing not going to the funeral.

People cannot go to funerals for all sorts of reasons. Yours is a very valid reason not to go. But no one has to go if they cannot or do not want to. It is not a crime to not go to a funeral and it certainly does not warrant anyone - especially your partner - hurling verbal abuse at you - ever.

Let's face it, the dead person doesn't even know if you went or not - that is the whole ridiculousness of it all!

If I didn't know any better I'd think this site has been hijacked by people who hate women? People who like having a go at women? St least some of the absolutely disgusting posts here must surely be from severely unhinged trolls, yes? Ignore them.

@LovePoppy well it's quite obvious he's causing the stress but the OP has said he's having a mental breakdown so clearly is not he's usual self which the OP also said.*

If you'd leave your husband because he's having a mental breakdown then that's up to you but I know I wouldn't.

And what, @MoonlightMistletoe should medically fragile OP have done to stop his break down?

Do you think it wouldn’t have happened had she been there?

You’re blaming her for his abuse.

She could have lost the baby had she attended. Her husband at one point was on board with her not attending. Stop blaming her

God no wonder theOP hasn’t been back to post. Whether she should have gone to the funeral is now a moot point, it has been and gone, what she needs to assess now is whether she wants him home or not, I hope they both sleep on it and can safely explore all emotions after

@bd67th That's a straw man argument You can't use that term within your own subjective argument, suggest you understand it before you use it.

@bd67th defenders of male pattern abuse - except there is no pattern, his father died, his baby died and he lost the plot for an evening - where is the pattern of abuse?

This thread is unreal. Is there not 1 single person who thinks it is absolutely forgivable/discussable for someone to just lose it for one night through grief for a baby and a parent and be it nasty things were said and stress was caused; that person is then forever ABUSIVE, controlling and should just shoved on the next shit pile you see forever more with no redemption, no empathy and 2 fingers?

@xJodiex funerals are for the living not the dead, we all know that.

anger through grief, sadness through grief and words through grief does not make an abusive person. OP just talk to him.

@AriadneAufNaxos For what it's worth rhubarbarkle nothing you posted made me think you might be a man. I've met women like you- ignorant, smug, self- satisfied, bigging themselves up at the expense of other people but only demonstrating how deeply unpleasant they are.

Really off the mark and nasty, I am not the unpleasant one here, you are. When people disagree with you are always that self-righteous. I am not smug by any means at all. You seem to be describing yourself, which people do, always.

I was responding to your laughably and idiotic comment that there was no abusive behaviour.

In my world calling someone a "fucking bitch" is abusive. If you think that isn't abusive , god help you and and I hope you are not bringing up sons.

Oh my God - will you stop - the lot of you!

You're an absolute disgrace, bickering and sniping and effing and jeffing at each other. There is no need to clog an entire thread up with roaring READ THE FULL THREAD either. People might have read it, if 500 posts weren't repeating that.

I hope for the OPs sake that she does not return to read this pile of tripe.

For what it's worth now, it's neither here nor there whether she was right to stay home or not. That decision was made.

What's to worry about now is what the OP has expressed concerns about i.e. the remainder of her pregnancy and when the baby is born.

OP - it sounds like he resents your relationship with your family perhaps - I'm thinking about his comment about not allowing your baby to see your DM. Hmmm. That's a worrying sign.

The threat that there will be consequences for this, is also worrying.

You haven't said whether he's staying there for a few nights or not, but I do hope that he is. He sounds out of control right now and whether that is down to grief or whether it's his underlying personality, I don't think any of us could know.

What you need to do in the short term is to mind yourself so that you deliver your baby safely. I'm sorry for the loss of your first baby.

After that, see how things settle down. A little space from him might be good as you are the important one here - you're carrying a new life. I'm surprised if he's French, as they usually dote on new Mums, but who knows what's going on. I'm glad that for now his Mum appears to be prioritising your health and safety. Hopefully that continues.

I wish you a healthy and safe pregnancy and a safe delivery.

If even his mother - a new widow - has been irrationally verbally abused by him and has felt the need to take time on the day of her husband's funeral and teach out to warn you, you need to listen and take steps to protect yourself from his scattergun rage, OP. It isn't just you who is getting sprayed with fury, it's everyone, but you are the most available and most vulnerable, being pregnant, alone with him and defenceless. Please make sure not to be alone with him until you are confident he is thinking rationally and behaving safely.

There are PP saying you should stay with him be as he is having some kind of breakdown. He may be, but your being there by his side won't fix him. He may need to be hospitalised or just treated, but you aren't a psychiatrist; even if you are, you can't treat a partner or family member, can you?

As for the people who say they would have crawled on their knees over broken glass for miles and happily risked their children's lives to be ranted at, ignore them. That's not commonsense speaking.

And the ones derailing your thread with their perpetual and predictable whine of "If a woman had done this you'd be saying something different/You're all manhaters!" ignore that too!

ls there not 1 single person who thinks it is absolutely forgivable/discussable for someone to just lose it for one night

That level of "losing it" is beyond what any reasonable person would do, under any circumstances.

suggest you understand it before you use it.

You fabricated an opinion, ascribed that fabricated opinion to T0tally, and used it to attack her. That is the definition of a straw man argument.

People might have read it, if 500 posts weren't repeating that.

I think you misunderstand the causal relationship here. I was telling people to RTFT because they already clearly weren't and were judging the OP unfairly as a consequence. Had they read the full thread and not castigated the OP for obeying doctor's orders, I wouldn't have reminded them to do so.

This is the Relationships board, yet people were harsher to the OP than even the worst AIBU thread I've seen, and I've been here nearly three years. And they were harsh because they didn't RTFT.

I actually have read about 80% of the thread and I didn't see anything nasty directed towards the OP. Yes, there were a few people saying that they would have tried to go or that she should have gone, but that's hardly nasty - it's just people trying to put themselves in her shoes and stating what they believe they might have done in the circustances.
I think everyone actually missed the question in the thread really i.e. what should the OP do now.

I'm not sure they make Concordes anymore

I put it to the PP that, even if OP didn't have medical advice not to travel, not attending a funeral doesn't deserve a litany of abusive texts, a nasty phone call, "fucking bitch", threats of "consequences", the widow being yelled at by her own son at the funeral, and behaviour so poor that the widow phones the OP to warn her not be alone with the widow's son.

Nothing deserves nor justifies that kind of prolonged (i.e. a whole day, not just an evening rhubarbarkle) behaviour.

I'm assuming his skewed logic in not wanting the baby to see the OP's Mum is because he sees that as similar to her not going to his father's funeral.

I'm surprised there was no alcohol involved here! Funerals in Ireland (also Catholic in the majority) are rather large affairs with people travelling from all over, who might not have seen the deceased in 20 years. Tempers get fraught, grief, posturing for head the ball status, concerns about the will, who hasn't come, who has come and shouldn't have etc. Add a few whiskeys into the mix and there's usually at least one blow thrown while several family feuds break out.

That doesn't seem to be the case with your DH, so it's hard to know what riled him precisely. It could be that he saw everyone else with their partner and lost the run of himself...

Hopefully he has calmed down by now and apologises to his Mum and to you. Whatever way the cat jumps, he's going to be in your life for the next 18 years in some shape or form, so ideally it was just the pressure of the day, he is apologetic and everything returns to normality soon. He should at the very least be enquiring after your well-being first thing this morning. If he's having a breakdown, then a hospital is what he needs.