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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm pregnant & husband called me a fucking bitch for not going to his father's funeral

930 replies

allisonjade · 28/12/2019 14:11

I'm 5 months pregnant, very difficult pregnancy (lost a twin at 14 weeks, had a hematoma so been on bed rest and working from home). My husband's father passed away last Friday and today is his funeral. It's out of town and as much as I would have loved to be at my husband's side during this difficult time, I chose to stay at home. I had an amniocentesis done on Monday, and just can't take the risk of losing another baby.

He has sent me a string of messages since last night saying that it's unacceptable that I'm not there, that I'm selfish, that I'm not the person he thought I was, that there will be consequences on my decision (that when our child is born, he doesn't even want my mother to see her and that he won't hold back on criticizing them when he feels like it), that there is no need to give our child his surname since I am not up to honoring his surname myself,, that my behaviour is shameful and embarrassing... and just now, he phoned me from the funeral to tell me that I'm a fucking bitch for not being there.

I'm trying not to get too upset since I am pregnant... I've tried to be supportive and understand his grief but this is now getting to be abusive. Is my marriage doomed? If he's done this now, who's to say he won't leave me soon? Who's to say he won't freak out when the baby comes? I'm honestly shell shocked.

Any advice would be welcome :(

OP posts:
PanicAndRun · 29/12/2019 01:00

Fucking hell they keep coming..

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 29/12/2019 01:02

The nauseating pandering to and excuses being given for a man who has verbally abused and threatened his vulnerable pregnant wife is actually beyond typical trolling. I can only imagine they’re from those that set their bar very low for men’s behaviour or their own behaviour.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 29/12/2019 01:03

@LemonPrism

There are 700 messages in this thread. Do you think that maybe somewhere in the thread the question of “if it’s unusual” might have been covered? And that it is quite important really to the advice you give? And that this is a thread giving advice to a very vulnerable woman at a very difficult time and so if you are going to give advice then perhaps you should consider READING THE FUCKING THREAD?!?

PegasusReturns · 29/12/2019 01:06

Imagine being such a doormat that you’d risk your unborn child's life to appease a man who left you alone for Christmas only weeks after your child had died.

If that is genuinely your position, get some self esteem.

rhubarbarkle · 29/12/2019 01:07

@panicandrun I do know what you are saying but I suppose you get other threads on here and it’s fairly spelled out from the start how bad the temper or behaviour is. Nothing that has been posted by the OP suggests that it is more than a person who has a temper - big distance between having a temper and being an abusive fucker really. People are allowed have tempers. You can have hotheads and passive aggressiveness slow boilers are even worse in my experience. We are not robots, we are all different and I don’t think we can be castigated for having a temper? His mother mother advised her around the current situation because it’s fraught and his uncle told her extra. Do we write one person off for an episode?

CareOfPunts · 29/12/2019 01:08

The nauseating pandering to and excuses being given for a man who has verbally abused and threatened his vulnerable pregnant wife is actually beyond typical trolling. I can only imagine they’re from those that set their bar very low for men’s behaviour or their own behaviour.

I completely agree. It’s appalling.

bd67th · 29/12/2019 01:08

Hi @LemonPrism did you read the OP's update where she said that her husband's mother phoned her to warn her not to be alone with him?

You might want to RTFT, paying particular attention to the postings in green where the OP added additional information about her situation as it developed, before deciding that they are as bad as each other and should call it quits.

rhubarbarkle · 29/12/2019 01:08

well look only OP can answer that I suppose @panicandrun

midsummabreak · 29/12/2019 01:15

Take care Hope your sister can stay or you can meet with family or friends to get support to get through these next few weeks

pallisers · 29/12/2019 01:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Nifflernancy · 29/12/2019 01:16

OP I’m so sorry your thread has turned into a bun fight. I hope you’re ok. You have done nothing wrong. Please keep yourself safe and very best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy Flowers

rhubarbarkle · 29/12/2019 01:26

@pallisers you are around a while, no need to talk to anyone like that. Internet forum looking for opinions, calm down.

rhubarbarkle · 29/12/2019 01:28

People mightn't agree with you, what's the point in posting, it's not Mumspet @pallisers

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 29/12/2019 01:28

Internet forum looking for opinions, calm down. The cheek of you telling someone to calm down, when you’ve done nothing but make excuses for an aggressive and threatening man.

BrendasUmbrella · 29/12/2019 01:40

Today I am grateful that I am not related to or friends with the many feeling-less, stupid posters on this thread. Christ I wonder about the children these people will rear. No wonder the shit continues on through the generations.

Yes, heaven forbid we worry about a vulnerable pregnant woman and her high risk pregnancy over the feelings of her selfish abusive husband who her own mother in law warned her not to be left alone with. Misandry-net, am I right? Hmm

rhubarbarkle · 29/12/2019 01:41

@T0tallyFuckedUpFamily
This is Chinese whispers at it's best. Quote the 'an aggressive and threatening man'; projection again.

He's someone who gets angry easily, then cools off; He often over-reacts (in my opinion) but he cools off quickly, apologises really quickly and moves on; he's not being himself and that he's the summit of his "usual angry behaviour

OMG lock the fucker up for having a quick temper. Needs more than that @T0tallyFuckedUpFamily; again stop projecting.

rhubarbarkle · 29/12/2019 01:45

typical Internet forum crap, I actually said nothing only that I think Op should wait until they are together again, he should apologise and I don't think all is lost for their relationship because grief does bring out a side to a person, that if she loves him enough, they can be ok. And do know what they will be and all this PROJECTION is just a waste of time.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 29/12/2019 01:50

Did you deliberately ignore the OP’s posts that stated that her mil warned her to have someone with her when he came home, or the bit where she said he has warned her that there will be consequences for her? Are you that determined to make an aggressive man seem like a victim, that you need to make so many excuses for him? I don’t think it’s me projecting. You seem very determined to excuse horrible behaviour. Why is that?

PanicAndRun · 29/12/2019 01:51

that if she loves him enough, they can be ok.

And there it is.

Tale as old as time....

Why women around the world end up in and stay in toxic ,abusive relationships. This stupid myth that if you just love him enough everything will be fine.

So scary...

rhubarbarkle · 29/12/2019 01:51

@BrendasUmbrella Yes, heaven forbid we worry about a vulnerable pregnant woman and her high risk pregnancy over the feelings of her selfish abusive husband who her own mother in law warned her not to be left alone with. Misandry-net, am I right?

Been pregnant several times now and yeah not great anytime really, but never was a vulnerable person because of pregnancy. Appreciate all the extra effort people make for me in those times and yeah not great health and high risk during one and several losses but this VULNERABLE word where the world stops turning, needs to stop. The choice is the couples about the funeral.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 29/12/2019 01:55

The choice is the couples about the funeral.

Yeah, and they came to an agreement but he decided to abuse her for it. Yes, she is vulnerable as she’s already miscarried one twin and was at risk of miscarrying the other. You don’t think that makes HER vulnerable, yet you’re keen to paint the man who has verbally abused her as a poor vulnerable grieving man. Blimey, you just can’t help making excuses for horrible behaviour, can you? You just keep them coming.

rhubarbarkle · 29/12/2019 01:59

Look leave the OP who hasn't come back in an age, just read the thread and come to her own realisations. I think it is still worth salvaging. 99% don't. I'd give him a let off for grief, I'd have to have it out with him. That's the point to posting here for different opinions. I know where I need to go if I ever need backup anyway Grin, just need to change my name. Night and happy new year. OP wish you the best.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 29/12/2019 02:03

I know where I need to go if I ever need backup anyway

Yeah, there are plenty of sites out there that would welcome you with open arms, since you’re so keen to make excuses for them. I doubt they would have many female posters, though.

Lowbrow · 29/12/2019 02:10

I too am shocked at the apologists for abusive men. Whether it’s AIBU or the Relationship thread, there is never any excuse for a man to abuse a woman. Especially a pregnant one who has been told by the doctor to not travel and have bed rest or risk losing her baby in a miscarriage. She has already lost one.

Those nasty posters can bag their heads. Raise the bar on their expectations of what women should put up with in a relationship.

OP please leave this abusive man. He was shouting at his mother at her husband’s funeral. He really has lost the plot, don’t be there when he gets home.

rhubarbarkle · 29/12/2019 02:19

oh my god, I had said I wouldn't respond, do you hate men that much @T0tallyFuckedUpFamily I am female ask me anything. People, can have different opinions from you, you do know that, don't you? You can't just exist in your own bubble of hurt. I don't mean that in a bad way but really you need to loosen your scepticism.