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Original poster

I'm pregnant & husband called me a fucking bitch for not going to his father's funeral

930 replies

allisonjade · 28/12/2019 14:11

I'm 5 months pregnant, very difficult pregnancy (lost a twin at 14 weeks, had a hematoma so been on bed rest and working from home). My husband's father passed away last Friday and today is his funeral. It's out of town and as much as I would have loved to be at my husband's side during this difficult time, I chose to stay at home. I had an amniocentesis done on Monday, and just can't take the risk of losing another baby.

He has sent me a string of messages since last night saying that it's unacceptable that I'm not there, that I'm selfish, that I'm not the person he thought I was, that there will be consequences on my decision (that when our child is born, he doesn't even want my mother to see her and that he won't hold back on criticizing them when he feels like it), that there is no need to give our child his surname since I am not up to honoring his surname myself,, that my behaviour is shameful and embarrassing... and just now, he phoned me from the funeral to tell me that I'm a fucking bitch for not being there.

I'm trying not to get too upset since I am pregnant... I've tried to be supportive and understand his grief but this is now getting to be abusive. Is my marriage doomed? If he's done this now, who's to say he won't leave me soon? Who's to say he won't freak out when the baby comes? I'm honestly shell shocked.

Any advice would be welcome :(

OP posts:
bd67th · 29/12/2019 00:30

what annoys me is the lack of empathy for someone who has lashed out in grief

What annoys me is posters thinking that grief allows a man to shout at his mother who is a grieving widow and abuse his pregnant wife over the phone. Where is the empathy for the mother and the wife?

Why are you apparently unconcerned that the man's mother has now warned the man's wife not to be alone with the man?

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 29/12/2019 00:31

When women who are abused by their husband’s post on mumsnet they generally talk all about how normally their husband’s are wonderful and brilliant dads etc etc and then describe one (pretty bad) incident.

After probing they start saying things like “he does sometimes have a bit of a temper but he’s always sorry afterwards”. After more and more probing (and mumsnet is often relentless in this type of thing - for good or for ill) a long term pattern of worsening abuse starts to emerge.

This does seem to be the case here. His mum is describing it as his usual anger. The Op is talking about his temper getting worse. Recently. And then there were the abusive messages and the verbal abuse of a grieving widow at her own husband’s funeral.

It may be that this is a good man driven mad with grief. He may be an abuser who is making the most of an opportunity to ramp up the abuse. My (personal) view is that he is an angry, volatile, slightly abusive man who is reacting to the pressure of grief by becoming significantly more abusive.

I’m not sure it matters. What matters is that whatever the above the Op (and in particular her precious baby) is not safe around him and needs to escape.

Whether he is bad or mad or a bit of both can be figured out another day.

MumofTinies · 29/12/2019 00:32

This thread and the callous disregard to the OP’s wellbeing and that of her unborn child, in the rush to excuse the abuse and treats from her partner, even after the mother has warned her about her safety, makes me wonder how many of those posters put the rights and happiness of men above those of their children?

My thoughts exactly. This thread really has been a depressing read. If you are still reading OP I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly Flowers

PanicAndRun · 29/12/2019 00:33

I had empathy at the beginning and I was more than willing to give him the benefit of the doubt , that simmered down by the fact that he has form for this (even if not as bad), by the fact that he issued threats and warned OP about repercussions and eventually died out when his own mother who is used to his "normal angry behaviour " warned OP not to be alone with him.

BrendasUmbrella · 29/12/2019 00:34

They are saying that he has also lost their other child

Yes, and this is what he's saying about his surviving child, who let's not forget, is not out of the woods yet...

there will be consequences on my decision (that when our child is born, he doesn't even want my mother to see her and that he won't hold back on criticizing them when he feels like it), that there is no need to give our child his surname since I am not up to honoring his surname myself

rhubarbarkle · 29/12/2019 00:35

Hi @Coyocan, I don't think she should have travelled, all I think is this can still be resolved. They agreed this, it got too much for him, he sent shit messages. I still think it is resolvable between a couple who have lost a baby and knowing that grief, maybe Op can just forgive those messages if they can have an honest conversation and he apologises for the messages and that maybe they can come back together and she can reach a place of understanding for him and he can understand the damage/stress he has done to her and risk he has put he her at. I just can't agree with the 'wicked temper, abusive male" takeouts from this situation.

pallisers · 29/12/2019 00:37

So when I lost my much loved husband, under horrendous circumstances and was left with three teenagers with various disabilities, I should have behaved like an abusive cunt towards someone I’m supposed to have cared about? Should I have waited until the equally awful funeral until I increased my known history of aggressive behaviour. Should I have frightened one of my sil until the point that she had to warn my children to leave the house.

And some hideous poster has called this woman "projecting". You should be utterly utterly ashamed of yourself. I doubt you have the intelligence to feel that though.

Today I am grateful that I am not related to or friends with the many feeling-less, stupid posters on this thread. Christ I wonder about the children these people will rear. No wonder the shit continues on through the generations.

Topseyt · 29/12/2019 00:39

I actually think that some of the most critical respondents on this thread must be thick.

They can't read, their comprehension skills do not exist. They apparently see no reason why a woman with a high risk pregnancy who is on bed rest cannot travel for 4 hours to be with her abusive husband at a funeral!!!???

Are people really that thick? It beggars belief.

midsummabreak · 29/12/2019 00:39

Grief is absolutely horrible but no excuse for nasty bullying comments toward you and actually trying to make out you are some kind of monster for protecting your unborn baby. Keep him to his word, give the baby your surname and seek legal advice for divorce

rhubarbarkle · 29/12/2019 00:43

ah look I am on my own here, I don't mean anyone any disrespect and maybe it's a thing you learn or something you never come across but I always take words as just words and actions as actions. I will always give someone a break in grief.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 29/12/2019 00:43

@rhubarbarkle

One word for you - Wibbit?

This stands for “Would I buy it” and is used in the fast food industry.

My question for you is - would you be happy to leave this man alone in a room with one of your children.

Because he seems very angry and frightening to me and if he hits the Op (and his mother is scared he will) then her chances of miscarriage will go shooting up.

So.... would you be willing to put your child’s life in his hands? Not the Op’s Child. Yours? I wouldn’t with one of mine. And so I don’t think the Op should be talking to him. She should be protecting her child from him.

rhubarbarkle · 29/12/2019 00:48

@Mumoftwoyoungkids
One word for you... One word for you - Mobbit? Could you?

PanicAndRun · 29/12/2019 00:49

@rhubarbarkle but we didn't make up the wicked temper. His own mother describes him as normally angry . OP has said too that he gets angry and he's been getting worse. His own mother advised OP not to be alone with him.

How are we supposed to describe him? Kind,gentle,wouldn't hurt a fly? Based on what? Empathy does not equal making up or ignoring facts.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 29/12/2019 00:50

?

bd67th · 29/12/2019 00:52

he issued threats and warned OP about repercussions and eventually died out when his own mother who is used to his "normal angry behaviour" warned OP not to be alone with him.

This behaviour is absolutely critical to my assessment of this situation and it's why I've recommended that the OP pack and leave and take passport, birth certificate, bank statements etc with her in preparation for a divorce.

How do we know that the threatened "repercussions" won't involve him battering the OP? Will he turn like this again when his Mum dies?

Abusive men often turn abusive for the first time (or escalate existing low-level abuse to a higher level) during the first pregnancy, I suspect because they cannot accept that they are now number two in the mum-to-be's life because the child-in-the-making is now number one. This funeral may be the first time that the OP's husband has really understood that he is now number two in the OP's life, hence his meltdown.

Catsandchardonnay · 29/12/2019 00:53

A proportion of this thread is the worst I have ever seen on Mumsnet, and I’ve seen a lot of threads.

There are some posters on here who should be deeply deeply ashamed of themselves"

Yesterdayallmyfish · 29/12/2019 00:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 29/12/2019 00:56

He said some awful things. You didn't go to his father's funeral.

Because she had a strong chance of losing her second twin! She was advised not to travel. The poor widow of the man that died completely understood!

rhubarbarkle · 29/12/2019 00:56

??

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 29/12/2019 00:57

I suspect because they cannot accept that they are now number two in the mum-to-be's life because the child-in-the-making is now number one.

Also because she’s trapped. If he behaved like that on the first date you’d ask the waiter for the bill, chuck in £40 and be home in time for News At 10. It’s a lot harder to leave when you have a home together, are legally bound to each other and are facing raising a child alone.

CareOfPunts · 29/12/2019 00:57

Wow, he’s awful. I can’t believe anyone could defend his behaviour. My husband lost his own mum in very tragic circumstances at a young age. Was he snappy sometimes and out of character? Yes occasionally he was. Was he ever cruel or abusive or did he call me names? No he did not. Ultimately, he’s telling you who he is. He hasn’t changed just by being bereaved, it’s just manifesting itself now. The fuck would I hang around to bear the brunt of this abusive piece of shit’s behaviour far less being a child into this environment. We’ve all suffered bereavement, we don’t all turn into abusers.

rhubarbarkle · 29/12/2019 00:58

Just leave him so. Are you going to OP?

LemonPrism · 29/12/2019 00:58

I think that you both had good reasons... but I think he's in pain. If it's unusual I would let it slide but emphasise that you were scared for the baby.

You're both in difficult positions

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 29/12/2019 00:59

@Yesterdayallmyfish

Either you haven’t read the thread properly or you are happy with the idea putting your kids life at risk in order to please a man. I hope it is the first.

bd67th · 29/12/2019 00:59

@Yesterdayallmyfish RTFT the OP is under medical instruction not to travel, and since the first page, her MIL has phoned her to warn her not to be alone with her husband.

RTFT
RTFT
RTFT