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Original poster

I'm pregnant & husband called me a fucking bitch for not going to his father's funeral

930 replies

allisonjade · 28/12/2019 14:11

I'm 5 months pregnant, very difficult pregnancy (lost a twin at 14 weeks, had a hematoma so been on bed rest and working from home). My husband's father passed away last Friday and today is his funeral. It's out of town and as much as I would have loved to be at my husband's side during this difficult time, I chose to stay at home. I had an amniocentesis done on Monday, and just can't take the risk of losing another baby.

He has sent me a string of messages since last night saying that it's unacceptable that I'm not there, that I'm selfish, that I'm not the person he thought I was, that there will be consequences on my decision (that when our child is born, he doesn't even want my mother to see her and that he won't hold back on criticizing them when he feels like it), that there is no need to give our child his surname since I am not up to honoring his surname myself,, that my behaviour is shameful and embarrassing... and just now, he phoned me from the funeral to tell me that I'm a fucking bitch for not being there.

I'm trying not to get too upset since I am pregnant... I've tried to be supportive and understand his grief but this is now getting to be abusive. Is my marriage doomed? If he's done this now, who's to say he won't leave me soon? Who's to say he won't freak out when the baby comes? I'm honestly shell shocked.

Any advice would be welcome :(

OP posts:
PixieDustt · 28/12/2019 23:21

@Mumoftwoyoungkids well said! Smile

Scardanelli · 28/12/2019 23:21

I shouldn't have continued to read this thread because it is so very upsetting. It's upsetting to see so many cruel posters making sport of a pregnant woman's problem and it's also upsetting to see many other's with incredibly poor reading skills or just plain stupid, offering their ignorant advice and/or their opinion

So, so right, @Prevegen4U

PixieDustt · 28/12/2019 23:23

No OP you did the right thing by following medical advise.
No man would ever come before my DC. Even in the circumstances mentioned.

ChristmasCarcass · 28/12/2019 23:31

Do you live in a bubble that has a hospital less than 30 minutes away wherever you go?? God forbid that reality creeps into your bubble and OP could end up being unable to get to a hospital in time

It’s even worse that that, Wines. OP is five months pregnant. The viability of a fetus delivered at that stage of gestation is basically nil. If she triggers labour (by, ooh I don’t know, sitting in a rattly train for three hours, then bouncing about in the back of a taxi for another 45mins down country lanes), there is nothing that will save her baby’s life. And people want her to do something that her obstetrician has told her has a good chance of ending in her watching her baby die in front of her on the floor of a train carriage, to go to a fucking funeral that even the man’s widow doesn’t want her to attend given the circumstances.

Some people on here are either callous to the point of frankly being quite evil, or so stupid I wonder how they tie their own shoelaces.

rhubarbarkle · 28/12/2019 23:34

Well, now his uncle has just phoned me and he thinks that my husband is indeed having a mental breakdown... I'm starting to get very concerned about my wellbeing This is the problem.

christma5isover · 28/12/2019 23:34

I'm really shocked at the amount of people who would risk their babies life to attend a funeral. You've absolutely done the right thing op putting baby first.
As for your DH it sounds as though he needs external support. It must be a lot for him to take in loosing a baby and then his father.

decisionsindecisions · 28/12/2019 23:35

Some people on this thread need to learn to:

  1. Read
  2. Comprehend
  3. Apply logic
  4. Understand that their opinion is not medical fact
  5. Understand that their experience is not another person’s reality
  6. Stop posting when they have already shown themselves as lacking humanity/brains/the ability to apologise when they are wrong.

I don’t think I have ever seen such blatant nastiness on a thread.

I'm pregnant & husband called me a fucking bitch for not going to his father's funeral
BloggersBlog · 28/12/2019 23:36

Well put @ChristmasCarcass

decisionsindecisions · 28/12/2019 23:42

Oh and unless the OP is Michael J Fox, her “D”H is Christopher Lloyd, she has a DeLorean and lives in 1985 then there is no conceivable way that she could have travelled to this funeral without a four hour trip one way and another four hour trip back home again.

Winesalot · 28/12/2019 23:44

ChristmasCarcass

Totally shocked at the lack of support. It seems like people have not underStood that OP has just lost one twin very recently. Or that the man is being so cruel to his mother as well as the vulnerable mother of his child. Totally inexcusable.

OP - you have tried to do the best for him and your and your unborn baby’s health. Please stay safe and know that his behaviour, his appalling threats, are not acceptable.

rhubarbarkle · 28/12/2019 23:57

@Winesalot. he lost his baby too, which many like to skirt around and then his dad and isn't dealing with the double whack of grief well and then didn't have the person who he presumably loves the most with him; family members telling her his mental state has hit a wall; people are now calling him abusive and telling Op to leave him. I don't know, I'd be cutting him a lot of slack and I if I had any real love or empathy for any human (even beyond a 'DP') I wouldn't need 700 messages of advice on an online forum to just take this as an anomaly and a person in need. If indeed OP you need to know how to deal with this and can't talk to your person and are living in fear of his return and are more worried about you right now then you should not be together, if he is indeed the person you are meant for then you know how to talk to each other in a very stressful situation. His needs matter too.

Lozz22 · 28/12/2019 23:59

Having lost 4 Babies myself. The last of which was due to a sub chronic Haematoma there is no bloody way my other half would want me to risk a high risk Pregnancy just to attend a funeral with him. Nor would he turn into an abusive twat for doing so. He would much rather the safety of his unborn baby and also that of his partner be paramount. OP I really hope you are ok? You seem to have disappeared from here so I'm hoping you are now safely at your Dsis. I hope everything goes well with the rest of your Pregnancy

PanicAndRun · 29/12/2019 00:02

@rhubarbarkle aww she just needs to love him enough and look deep deep down and not judge a book by it's cover and they'll all live happily ever after won't they? Beauty and the Beast in the modern day I tell you.

Isn't that cute? But it's wrong!

I'm pregnant & husband called me a fucking bitch for not going to his father's funeral
rosegoldfever · 29/12/2019 00:06

I wonder if some of the pp that say they would of risk their pregnancy to be beside they partner have ever been pregnant/ have children ? A mothers instinct kicks in during pregnancy and most mothers to be wouldn't be so callous.

If some of these pp who think a high risk pregnancy should come second to anything else and do have children, I hope those kids are ok with mothers like that.

rhubarbarkle · 29/12/2019 00:07

@PanicAndRun, no it's not wrong, when people have grief that they are overwhelmed with, they can be given a pass on expected reactions. Maybe someone will do that for you someday.

Coyoacan · 29/12/2019 00:12

I'm also puzzled by how people think the husband would have benefitted by the OP taking that trip and losing the baby.

Redshoeblueshoe · 29/12/2019 00:13

Rhubarb it's his mother telling her not to be alone with him

Strange how he is only being vile to the women in his life

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 29/12/2019 00:14

no it's not wrong, when people have grief that they are overwhelmed with, they can be given a pass on expected reactions

So when I lost my much loved husband, under horrendous circumstances and was left with three teenagers with various disabilities, I should have behaved like an abusive cunt towards someone I’m supposed to have cared about? Should I have waited until the equally awful funeral until I increased my known history of aggressive behaviour. Should I have frightened one of my sil until the point that she had to warn my children to leave the house.

Or is that only permitted if I’m a man?

rhubarbarkle · 29/12/2019 00:18

@Coyoacan the lines have been blurred, they apparently agreed she wouldn't take the trip together, it's a few hundred messages though telling her is abusive and controlling for lashing out in grief and @allisonjade being told to leave him (even though he lost his baby as well as his dad recently) and what annoys me is the lack of empathy for someone who has lashed out in grief, surely most people understand that?

rhubarbarkle · 29/12/2019 00:23

Ok maybe I am a free pass (and don't start the male/female shite @T0tallyFuckedUpFamily, complete projection) but I will always take myself out of a scenario first and see what stress a person is under and I will give anyone a pass on grief related anomalies. If I am alone in this, then so be it, but you don't have to leave your husband OP, just talk to him.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 29/12/2019 00:25

what annoys me is the lack of empathy for someone who has lashed out in grief, surely most people understand that?

So why did his mother feel so frightened for the OP’s safety that she phoned to warn her that he reached the peak of his usual bad temper, if it’s just grief? What excuses his previous temper tantrums? Why has he only directed his wicked temper towards the other woman that he supposedly cares about? His mother and the actual widow.

Coyoacan · 29/12/2019 00:26

@rhubarbarkle. If you read my posts I personally have not given an opinion on the conduct of the husband, though I have my thoughts about that. But people are still santimoniously saying that the OP should have sacrificed her unborn child and risked her own health to comfort her husband. They are saying that he has also lost their other child, like her and now his father. Why do they not at least think that it is also his baby and his wife that he could have lost if the OP had disregarded her doctor's advice?

ineedaholidaynow · 29/12/2019 00:27

rhubarb it appears that the DH has ramped up his temper, not that this was a complete one off. So yes it could be partly blamed on grief, but his behaviour before wasn't great either.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 29/12/2019 00:27

After your woolly excuses for those suffering grief having their abuse excused, you’re one to be talking about complete projection. Are you actually seeking absolution for your past behaviour?

BrendasUmbrella · 29/12/2019 00:30

when people have grief that they are overwhelmed with, they can be given a pass on expected reactions

No. I disagree. This man cannot be given a pass to call to his wife a fucking bitch because she obeyed doctor's orders to stayed home to protect her pregnancy and her health. He's a dick. The fact that he can instantly disregard both the health of his wife and the fact that she is going through a high risk pregnancy (with his child) because he has been bereaved. He is choosing to put her under stress just when she needs to be protected. It says a lot about him, none of it good.