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Original poster

I'm pregnant & husband called me a fucking bitch for not going to his father's funeral

930 replies

allisonjade · 28/12/2019 14:11

I'm 5 months pregnant, very difficult pregnancy (lost a twin at 14 weeks, had a hematoma so been on bed rest and working from home). My husband's father passed away last Friday and today is his funeral. It's out of town and as much as I would have loved to be at my husband's side during this difficult time, I chose to stay at home. I had an amniocentesis done on Monday, and just can't take the risk of losing another baby.

He has sent me a string of messages since last night saying that it's unacceptable that I'm not there, that I'm selfish, that I'm not the person he thought I was, that there will be consequences on my decision (that when our child is born, he doesn't even want my mother to see her and that he won't hold back on criticizing them when he feels like it), that there is no need to give our child his surname since I am not up to honoring his surname myself,, that my behaviour is shameful and embarrassing... and just now, he phoned me from the funeral to tell me that I'm a fucking bitch for not being there.

I'm trying not to get too upset since I am pregnant... I've tried to be supportive and understand his grief but this is now getting to be abusive. Is my marriage doomed? If he's done this now, who's to say he won't leave me soon? Who's to say he won't freak out when the baby comes? I'm honestly shell shocked.

Any advice would be welcome :(

OP posts:
AriadneAufNaxos · 28/12/2019 22:30

This thread is excellent for identifying idiot posters who seem to enjoy criticising the op without even bothering to have read all her posts

There sure are.

The living are more important than the dead

The OP has done nothing wrong. Her husband is with his own family and her husband is showing a complete lack of respect for his father, his mother and his wife.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 28/12/2019 22:32

OP, I hope that you are somewhere safe now, with love and support around you. It doesn't matter why he is a risk to you right now, just that he is. What matters is your health and the survival of your baby.

I'm hiding this thread now, because the level of nasty trolling is beyond belief. I wish the OP all the best.

Cuteypye · 28/12/2019 22:36

@allisonjade Ignore the idiots on here who are in anyway blaming you for not being at your dear fil’s funeral. Chances are that he would have verbally abused you, like he has done to his poor grieving mother, if you had been there!

The important things now are your safety and the health of your unborn baby girl (I’m sure you alluded to the baby being a her in an update). Do not put yourself in any danger. I wouldn’t go to your sisters, as that would be the first place he looked for you, but would do as a pp said and book into a hotel or b&b now, before he arrives home. He may calm down and be sorry for his behaviour, however even if he goes down on his knees and begs forgiveness, I would never live in the same house as him again. There would be no knowing if or when this anger and hate would surface again, or how he would react to your baby crying etc. Please, please keep you and baby safe and do not let this dangerous angry man back into your life.

BoxOfBabyCheeses · 28/12/2019 22:39

If he really is having a mental breakdown, then ask his family to seek help for him. You should go and stay with your sister. Once he has been treated/helped then you can contact him. If he shows remorse, then I think I would try and move on and blame the breakdown. If he is defensive, then I would make plans to go forward with your pregnancy and birth alone.

TheBigMansWife · 28/12/2019 22:41

@allisonjade im so sorry to say but if he treats his mother this way then you are probably going to receive more abuse...

how a man treats his mother is usually a good indicator to how he will treat his wife..

he sounds like he is a selfish self centred man and has no respect for anyone not even himself.. i bet he is a taker and drains everyone of their energy.

if you decide to put up with this he will abuse you and probably his mother further and he will use the death of his father as an excuse to get away with how he is treating yous...

yes i believe he is upset and grieving and it must be horrible for him but to lash out with vile words and to give people silent treatment is abuse its only going to get worse and you need to concentrate on your precious baby..
theres been links to suggest learning difficulties and depression in childhood that is formed even before birth and its created in the womb by bad emotional surroundings.. you need to think of happy and beautiful things so that you have a content baby and so that you dont end up with post natal depression

do you have family you can go to you? need to be at peace to let your pregnancy thrive... i feel so stressed for you ..

i have a brother who is nearly 40 and still takes tantrums he is going to end up putting my mother in an early grave with stress he takes everything out on her when things dont go his way.. phones her at her work and harrasses her to do stuff for him .. he does the same with me but i refuse to engage so i receive a barrage of abusive text messages about how i ruin everything for him its pathetic.

save yourself while you can and get the strength to leave for the sake of your little one and your sanity. xx

AnotherEmma · 28/12/2019 22:47

"I can't decide if this thread is an example of women hating women or the piss-poor comprehension skills so many seem to have."

Both. Plenty of stupid misogynists out there.

Bubs101 · 28/12/2019 22:49

baffled at the amount of women who would risk their own child's life for the feelings of a man. you lot are the worst of the worst.

pineappleisbitey · 28/12/2019 22:51

God some people are really fucking stupid.

Prevegen4U · 28/12/2019 22:52

I shouldn't have continued to read this thread because it is so very upsetting. It's upsetting to see so many cruel posters making sport of a pregnant woman's problem and it's also upsetting to see many other's with incredibly poor reading skills or just plain stupid, offering their ignorant advice and/or their opinion.

Mentality well balanced people don't have mental breakdowns when their parent dies and funerals are not "massively important".

My mother died this year and my father last year. My MIL also died last year. I lost a boyfriend in a car accident when he was 22 years old and another to a sudden heart attack 10 yrs after. Nobody lost their shit and got angry. Nobody called their spouse and their parent nasty names during the funeral. Well balanced people do not have mental breakdowns when someone dies. If someone does and you're the target then there's a big problem with them and you need to rethink the relationship.

I never went to my FIL's funeral when he died 15 yrs ago and it was only a mile away from my house. I stayed home making food for the family for when they finished his send off. They certainly did not get mad at me. My husband didn't need my support because he's a big boy.

@AloneLoneyLoner Do you really think OP has bed rest just because of having amnio? In simple terms; she had two babies in her uterus and one came out and died. She has bleeding and is desperately trying to save her remaining baby. Yet for some fucking reason people here want to pile on her.

AriadneAufNaxos · 28/12/2019 22:54

baffled at the amount of women who would risk their own child's life for the feelings of a man

Oh absolutely and risk their newly widowed mother-in- law's grandchild all for the sake of being at a funeral which said mother-in- law understands the reason for non-attendance.

Nonnymum · 28/12/2019 22:55

TheWhiteBunny Why would you risk a long journey if you had been told to have bed rest or risk (another) miscarriage. I am sure I would rather someone miss my funeral than risk the life of their unborn child.

Winesalot · 28/12/2019 22:55

That said, if it were me (and this is just my opinion), I would have figured out a way to be there for the funeral....travelling up the day before, Airbnb etc etc. There's always a way and I, personally, couldn't not be there. But that's just me

To all of you saying ‘you should have been there’ - would you still totally would ignore any medical advice that not only could you lose your other child but could seriously end up with significant bleeding that because you are in transit ALONE for FOUR hours may prove life threatening . Do you live in a bubble that has a hospital less than 30 minutes away wherever you go?? God forbid that reality creeps into your bubble and OP could end up being unable to get to a hospital in time.

You would still choose to get there someway. Really? Or do you all just think you know better than OP’s medical team and she is just being a bit on the dramatic side???

Nanny0gg · 28/12/2019 22:55

@TheWhiteBunny
Apologies, quite right, I should have read the whole thread before posting. I hadn't appreciated the distance that needed to be travelled. That said, if it were me (and this is just my opinion), I would have figured out a way to be there for the funeral....travelling up the day before, Airbnb etc etc. There's always a way and I, personally, couldn't not be there. But that's just me

Doesn't bloody matter if you stay in an airbnb. You still have to do the bloody journey, which you are not supposed to do if you are on BED REST!
There is not 'always a way'. Sometimes things happen that means you cannot get to a funeral.
The world doesn't end.
And the OP's nasty arse of a partner can just pull himself together.

I'm elderly now. I've lost pretty much all my family bar my DH and DC. So I am well aware of what grief is. And imho that is not what her husband is feeling. It is rage (for whatever reason) and he's taking it out on his wife.

And her baby is more important than her late FiL right now.

Sexnotgender · 28/12/2019 22:56

OP you were 100% right not to travel, please keep yourself and your baby safe from this man.

My MIL died a few months ago and I didn’t attend the funeral. In fact I flew home a few days beforehand as we’d already rearranged flights to extend our stay.

My husband not only flew 6000 miles home with me and our baby to make sure we were ok he then flew back the next day for his mums funeral that he was actually conducting (minister).

Some times circumstances just don’t permit you to be present. Would I have liked to attend MIL’s funeral and support my husband? Yes of course! Was it practical and logistically sensible? No, unfortunately not.

PinkiOcelot · 28/12/2019 22:57

Fuck that! Grieving doesn’t excuse this atrocious behaviour. It’s unforgivable OP.

Wonkybanana · 28/12/2019 22:59

Sadly I fear this thread is no longer of any use or support to the OP.

SidSparrow · 28/12/2019 23:00

He's suffering from grief but come on - that's out of order. Anyone with half a brain or heart would surely not want to lose another baby so that's where his concern should be. People dying doesn't give you a personality transplant.

OnceUponAMidnightBeery · 28/12/2019 23:00

OFFS. Allisonjade I'm still reading the thread, but just wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss, sorry for the situation, sorry for the posters on here that seem to put a man's wants above an unborn child's needs.

Pp, this is not AIBU. Judging a grieving, scared, high-risk pregnant woman is not helping her.

OP, I hope you're safe. You did the right thing not going. Your H agreed. His family agreed, and still do.

There is no excuse for his behaviour that would let me accept it. From anyone, yet alone the one who should be protecting your baby with you.

Please stay safe. Breakdown or no, his family are warning you for a reason. Flowers

Heismyopendoor · 28/12/2019 23:00

Op, you were totally right not to travel. I’m saddened and sickened at a lot of the comments on here. Please look after yourself and your baby and stay safe.

RobinHobb · 28/12/2019 23:01

Op
You were in the right to not travel. Hope you're ok.

pallisers · 28/12/2019 23:01

I am well aware of what grief is. And imho that is not what her husband is feeling. It is rage (for whatever reason) and he's taking it out on his wife.

exactly. well done for naming it.

RhinoskinhaveI · 28/12/2019 23:03

I concur Nanny0gg, what this man is feeling is rage not grief, he feels humiliated because other people can see that his missus doesn't automatically defer to him...doesn't always put him ahead of her needs, doesn't 'know her place', his pride is wounded and she's going to pay for it

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 28/12/2019 23:04

Apologies, quite right, I should have read the whole thread before posting. I hadn't appreciated the distance that needed to be travelled. That said, if it were me (and this is just my opinion), I would have figured out a way to be there for the funeral....travelling up the day before, Airbnb etc etc. There's always a way and I, personally, couldn't not be there. But that's just me

Personally I would NEVER EVER put the life of one of my children at risk. I would figure out a way to protect my child...... discussing with my husband and his family beforehand etc etc. There is always a way and I, personally, couldn’t put one of my children’s lives at risk. But that’s just me.

AriadneAufNaxos · 28/12/2019 23:15

Pp, this is not AIBU

Bloody hell OnceUponAMidnightBeery.
I just saw it on "active"- didn't spot it was "relationships". From the the idiotic, self- satisfied and aggressive posts from some posters I assumed it was AIBU. Even by AIBU standards there are some appalling replies.

pallisers · 28/12/2019 23:18

yes. that these replies appeared on a relationships board rather than AIBU tells you something about the posters giving this poor woman shit. horrible.