I'm pregnant & husband called me a fucking bitch for not going to his father's funeral

[allisonjade]

I'm 5 months pregnant, very difficult pregnancy (lost a twin at 14 weeks, had a hematoma so been on bed rest and working from home). My husband's father passed away last Friday and today is his funeral. It's out of town and as much as I would have loved to be at my husband's side during this difficult time, I chose to stay at home. I had an amniocentesis done on Monday, and just can't take the risk of losing another baby.

He has sent me a string of messages since last night saying that it's unacceptable that I'm not there, that I'm selfish, that I'm not the person he thought I was, that there will be consequences on my decision (that when our child is born, he doesn't even want my mother to see her and that he won't hold back on criticizing them when he feels like it), that there is no need to give our child his surname since I am not up to honoring his surname myself,, that my behaviour is shameful and embarrassing... and just now, he phoned me from the funeral to tell me that I'm a fucking bitch for not being there.

I'm trying not to get too upset since I am pregnant... I've tried to be supportive and understand his grief but this is now getting to be abusive. Is my marriage doomed? If he's done this now, who's to say he won't leave me soon? Who's to say he won't freak out when the baby comes? I'm honestly shell shocked.

Any advice would be welcome :(

He may be grieving, but above all else he is an abusive dickwad.

OP is right to get support from her sister and protect herself and her unborn child.

I get it was four hours away but a cab would have meant you were seated- and a return cab back.
Your husband's fathers funeral is a massive deal.
You 100% should have been there and I say that as someone who has had complicated pregnancies.
Seriously. You should have been there.

So you would have went against the medical advice that you were given, after losing a twin, and put your second baby at the risk of DYING in order to support a man who has a previous history of bad temper, has threatened his wife and his own mother is afraid off.

You would have risked a miscarriage to save the feelings of a man? Really?

I get it was four hours away but a cab would have meant you were seated- and a return cab back.

a 3.5 train journey (have you heard of the tgv?) is not the equivalent of a 4 hour cab journey.

I can't decide if this thread is an example of women hating women or the piss-poor comprehension skills so many seem to have.

Either way life must be hard for these posters and their families - either dealing with stupidity or utter lack of feeling for other human beings.

By the way I am Irish. We always go to the funeral. Except when it might mean miscarrying our children. My reading on MN seems to tell me that most british don't go to the funeral - but now I can add to that "unless it will upset a man".

Apologies, quite right, I should have read the whole thread before posting. I hadn't appreciated the distance that needed to be travelled. That said, if it were me (and this is just my opinion), I would have figured out a way to be there for the funeral....travelling up the day before, Airbnb etc etc. There's always a way and I, personally, couldn't not be there. But that's just me

So you would risk losing your baby to support a full grown man, TheWhiteBunny? Is the happiness of your husband/partner really more important than the life of your unborn baby? At what point do you put your child first?

I have read the full thread and I am pretty shocked at some of the posters.

If OP has attempted to travel (against explicit medical advice) and started to bleed on the train there is a good chance that not only the baby but OP could have died. OP’s husband has his whole family with him and appears to be behaving like a complete idiot to the point they are worried.

OP is alone, she was alone at Christmas, she has a high risk pregnancy and her DH is verbally abusing her and threatening her.

Some posters seem to be doing the same on this thread. Surely anyone with half an ounce of common sense would see that it was impossible to attend. Op should be getting support not being lambasted. Shocking.

That said, if it were me (and this is just my opinion), I would have figured out a way to be there for the funeral

Oh- so you'd go against your doctors advice? knowing your baby could die? wow

I would have figured out a way to be there for the funeral....travelling up the day before, Airbnb etc etc. There's always a way and I, personally, couldn't not be there. But that's just me.

The journey would have bern exactly the same length the day before.

SHE WAS NOT ALLOWED TO TRAVEL FIR MORE THAN AN HOUR.

Threads like this remind me why the patriarchy , misogyny exist. The majority of posters seem to have common sense and morals regarding this issue so that is something.

OP as someone who has experienced recurrent loss and been advised to rest at times, I can honestly say you’ve made the right choice. This shouldn’t even be a topic for discussion. You didn’t need to be at the funeral and if anything did happen you wouldn’t have been able to forgive yourself or DH. You can support your husband in other ways and he sounds like a callous prick for suggesting you should have been there. Disgusting man. That’s more than grief speaking.

There's always a way and I, personally, couldn't not be there. But that's just me

Yes someone who would put a wanted chlld, wanted grandchild at risk to attend a funeral which the widow and entire family have said they don't want you to travel for because yours and the child's safety are far more important to them.

Because a man, already surrounded by the rest of his family, is having another temper tantrum.

If you told someone on the street to shut the fuck up, it would be verbal abuse.

We're not on the street. And I doubt that on the street I'd be facing people insisting on giving "advice" without bothering to RTFT and get the full story.

The OP is potentially in danger of physical violence based on the MIL's warning to her and yet people keep coming to tell her that her husband's verbal abuse is somehow her fault, and they keep coming in sufficient numbers as to constitute a pile-on, the worst I have seen in my three years on this site by a very large margin. No one on this thread is at risk from me. The situations are not comparable.

In any case, if you don't like my tone, you can tap the report button, that's what it's for. The OP has no report button to tap if her H turns violent, and the PPs saying "you should have been there" and "it's just grief" because they've not RTFT and haven't seen that she's under midwife's orders not to travel and that her MIL phoned her to warn her not to be alone when he gets back, well, those PPs won't take the consequences of their laziness (laziness is fundamentally what it is when posters don't read full threads).

@LovePoppy well it's quite obvious he's causing the stress but the OP has said he's having a mental breakdown so clearly is not he's usual self which the OP also said.

NO. OP said his uncle felt he was having a mental breakdown because his behaviour was so bad. He hasn't had an actual medical diagnosis of a mental breakdown. Just family seriously concerned at his level of anger. And as for "his usual self". The man's mother said something like he was at the summit of his usual anger. Not actually a case of a mild man suddenly going ballistic but an angry man hitting levels of anger he hasn't reached before.

And the OP isn't leaving anyone. She is simply trying to keep herself and her pregnancy safe.

Portals!!

If you told someone on the street to shut the fuck up, it would be verbal abuse.

Would you walk into the middle of a conversation without understanding the topic and start pontificating about the rights and wrongs of it, or would you at least attempt to listen, so you would understand? You seem more concerned about being told to fuck up, than with the OP’s welfare, but there’s a lot like you on here. 🤷‍♀️

@TheWhiteBunny “if it were me (and this is just my opinion), I would have figured out a way to be there for the funeral....travelling up the day before, Airbnb etc etc. There's always a way and I, personally, couldn't not be there. But that's just me”

So you wouldn’t worry about killing your unborn baby? Really? You would ignore doctors advice?

Yes there is always a way to get to a funeral, but there isn’t always a way, without risking killing your baby! But you would find a way to go and ignore the risk of killing your unborn child? Absolutely unbelievable!!

But that's just me

yes it is. Other people prioritise their pregnancy over their man's feelings. But there are obviously a lot of people just like you. Feel for your kids tbh. I don't think that kind of thinking goes away once the baby is born.

I think everyone should stop making medical decisions for a stranger. She is an adult who can decide for herself.

OP, your updates sound so worrying, I think you should go away for a while till he calms down. He might need mental help.

Sorry for your family’s loss. Obviously you couldn’t go as you are on doctors instructions for bed rest. I assume you are very upset that you couldn’t go, for your fil and for your husband. Everyone should understand that in your circumstances you couldn’t go - it would be simple to explain that. Your husbands words to you are just awful. If his family are saying he maybe be having a breakdown then that may be the reason. He’s not in his right mind. Sorry you are going through this. Look after yourself, and I hope your husband is ok. Time will tell if this is a one-off.

YABU, your amnio was 5 days ago and it was his dad. You should have been at the funeral.

The way he has spoken to you is unacceptable absolutely. I also feel what you did was unacceptable too.

Your baby and yourself have top priority. He is an adult and surrounded by his family. He needs to stop behaving like an idiot in the throws of a temper tantrum. U did the right thing. Full support to u.

@pallisers I did advise the OP to be with a family member, and of course if she's scared she needs to keep safe I'm not disagreeing with that.

How many people would have made a journey by road and rail from, say, Richmond, North Yorkshire to Richmond, Greater London (and back) if on maternity bed rest?

Yes, yet another aspect of this, (and I'm shocked almost speechless at some of the stupid, ignorant comments on this thread) is that a taxi to the station, then a three-hour train trip, then a 45 minute taxi ride, means this was in the French equivalent of BFE. Three hours from any of the major cities is a pretty long way.

@AloneLonelyLoner OP's under midwife's orders not to travel the four hours needed to reach the funeral. Please RTFT before judging.

The way he has spoken to you is unacceptable absolutely. I also feel what you did was unacceptable too.

Another sad indictment of an education system. Poor reading skills and non-existant comprehension skills.