I'm pregnant & husband called me a fucking bitch for not going to his father's funeral

[allisonjade]

I'm 5 months pregnant, very difficult pregnancy (lost a twin at 14 weeks, had a hematoma so been on bed rest and working from home). My husband's father passed away last Friday and today is his funeral. It's out of town and as much as I would have loved to be at my husband's side during this difficult time, I chose to stay at home. I had an amniocentesis done on Monday, and just can't take the risk of losing another baby.

He has sent me a string of messages since last night saying that it's unacceptable that I'm not there, that I'm selfish, that I'm not the person he thought I was, that there will be consequences on my decision (that when our child is born, he doesn't even want my mother to see her and that he won't hold back on criticizing them when he feels like it), that there is no need to give our child his surname since I am not up to honoring his surname myself,, that my behaviour is shameful and embarrassing... and just now, he phoned me from the funeral to tell me that I'm a fucking bitch for not being there.

I'm trying not to get too upset since I am pregnant... I've tried to be supportive and understand his grief but this is now getting to be abusive. Is my marriage doomed? If he's done this now, who's to say he won't leave me soon? Who's to say he won't freak out when the baby comes? I'm honestly shell shocked.

Any advice would be welcome :(

And telling somebody to shut the fuck up is better than calling someone a fucking bitch is it?

Yes, because

1. "STFU" isn't a misogynist slur, "fucking bitch" is.
2. I'm not the husband or wife of any poster on this thread.

I also agree with PP you should be there with him to support him during this sad time.

She should have ignored medical advice abc put the life of her baby at risk?

*Yes, because

1. "STFU" isn't a misogynist slur, "fucking bitch" is.
2. I'm not the husband or wife of any poster on this thread.*

If you told someone on the street to shut the fuck up, it would be verbal abuse 🤷‍♀️

To be honest this stress that's being caused from OP not going is probably worse than her attending the funeral.

yes indeed. lots of women in terrible relationships have to make hard choices that hurt them physically in order to keep the peace and stop someone kicking off. I can well imagine a woman deciding to risk a miscarriage to avoid this kind of abuse.

I have lost both parents. Dh has lost his father. My friend lost her child. My MIL lost her child. My great aunt lost her son to suicide 3 months before losing her husband to a heart attack. Guess what grief didn't do to any of them? Make them abusive.

Doesn't matter whether the OP's dh is having a breakdown or is just a very angry man who choses the weakest person to target. the impact on the OP is the same. Maybe in the former case she could move on once he gets treatment but the reality is the stress on OP was ENTIRELY caused by her husband. Not her medical choices.

@LovePoppy they would also be the posters who a few years down the line would trot helpful advice like "why did you have a child with this man" and "I would've left years ago" and "why haven't you left him already".

This thread and the callous disregard to the OP’s wellbeing and that of her unborn child, in the rush to excuse the abuse and treats from her partner, even after the mother has warned her about her safety, makes me wonder how many of those posters put the rights and happiness of men above those of their children?

me too. it is dismal reading.

I also agree with PP you should be there with him to support him during this sad time

OP lost a baby- she is grieving too yet I notice noone is supporting her. Just throwing verbal abuse at her, and threatening her. Which apparently is all perfectly fine according to the apologists and abuse supporters

@lazymoz RTFT the OP was under medical orders not to travel.

Anyone else who skimmed the first page and decided to plop their abuse defending nonsense: RTFT

To be honest this stress that's being caused from OP not going is probably worse than her attending the funeral

Yes- far better she risks her baby's life for the sake of one day of stress

As @Didiusfalco said, his fathers passing is a massive deal. You really should have gone to the funeral.

His words are, of course awful, but he is grieving. As PP said you could have got a cab, sat through the service and then got a taxi home. I personally don't think you can justify not making the effort to go and I can understand why your DH is angry and upset

@lazymoz then you are a poor excuse of a parent if you are willing to risk your health and the life of your unborn baby for a partner.

Oh wait, you're risking fuck all so it's easy to sit on your high horse and judge a poorly,vulnerable pregnant woman who is very likely at risk.

@TheWhiteBunny the funeral was at least 4 hours away?

His words are, of course awful, but he is grieving. As PP said you could have got a cab, sat through the service and then got a taxi home

Anther one who didnt read the thread. It was a 45 min taxi journey THEN a 3 hour train ride THEN another car journey. After she had been told by her doctor to rest. Read the fcking thread.

You should have gone to the funeral no question.

As PP said you could have got a cab, sat through the service and then got a taxi home.

How far away do you think the funeral was?

This thread is excellent for identifying idiot posters who seem to enjoy criticising the op without even bothering to have read all her posts.

I get it was four hours away but a cab would have meant you were seated- and a return cab back.
Your husband's fathers funeral is a massive deal.
You 100% should have been there and I say that as someone who has had complicated pregnancies.
Seriously. You should have been there.

Basically MN is now full of really unpleasant trolls who get their kicks out of being really shitty to the OP in a misguided form of sport.

READ THE FULL THREAD !

I can't believe how many people are sticking up for the abusive H.

OP I hope you go and stay somewhere safe

@TheWhiteBunny OP said ’It was actually a taxi ride to the train station for half hour about (rail strikes, no public transport), then a 3 hour train, then a 45 min car ride to the venue.’

I wouldn’t have done that with a high risk pregnancy and already having lost a twin, suffering bleeding and being advised by doctors to be on bed rest.

I’ve had miscarriages and I would not be risking my baby to attend a funeral.

Basically MN is now full of really unpleasant trolls who get their kicks out of being really shitty to the OP in a misguided form of sport

I agree. I think people are trolling now on purpose to cause distress.

What cruel revolting behaviour. So glad im not them urgh

sandy did you miss the op’s doctor saying not to travel for over an hour?

Your complicated pregnancies are totally irrelevant to the op’s.

There are really some idiots on this thread!
Who in their right minds puts their unborn, high risk baby at even higher, avoidable risk?

Despite continually outlining the risk to the unborn child, if the op were to travel (over 4 hours each way) to the funeral you still get, 557 posts in, @lazymoz saying op “should be there with him to support him during this sad time”!! I can only assume lazymoz has lived up to their user name and been too lazy to actually rtft or even the op’s updates!!

Anyone who would genuinely risk their unborn baby’s life, in a situation like this, don’t deserve to have a baby!

@LovePoppy well it's quite obvious he's causing the stress but the OP has said he's having a mental breakdown so clearly is not he's usual self which the OP also said.

If you'd leave your husband because he's having a mental breakdown then that's up to you but I know I wouldn't.