I'm pregnant & husband called me a fucking bitch for not going to his father's funeral

[allisonjade]

I'm 5 months pregnant, very difficult pregnancy (lost a twin at 14 weeks, had a hematoma so been on bed rest and working from home). My husband's father passed away last Friday and today is his funeral. It's out of town and as much as I would have loved to be at my husband's side during this difficult time, I chose to stay at home. I had an amniocentesis done on Monday, and just can't take the risk of losing another baby.

He has sent me a string of messages since last night saying that it's unacceptable that I'm not there, that I'm selfish, that I'm not the person he thought I was, that there will be consequences on my decision (that when our child is born, he doesn't even want my mother to see her and that he won't hold back on criticizing them when he feels like it), that there is no need to give our child his surname since I am not up to honoring his surname myself,, that my behaviour is shameful and embarrassing... and just now, he phoned me from the funeral to tell me that I'm a fucking bitch for not being there.

I'm trying not to get too upset since I am pregnant... I've tried to be supportive and understand his grief but this is now getting to be abusive. Is my marriage doomed? If he's done this now, who's to say he won't leave me soon? Who's to say he won't freak out when the baby comes? I'm honestly shell shocked.

Any advice would be welcome :(

@user1497718723 how do you suggest this vulnerable woman help her man in a rage while staying safe?

@theworldhasgonecrazy1 Please read the OPs replies before replying with such unhelpful judgment and pointless hindsight. Everyone in the family agreed on Thursday that OP would not attend the funeral because of the risk to the unborn child. Your post is unhelpful at best and harmful at worst.

user1497718723
I would love to know exactly what your idea of what a breakdown is - I have an idea from your post that you believe someone suffering one would be jollied back to normality by tea and cake and hand holding. Maybe a nice warm bath and an early night.

Being there to help is not a good idea unless you are a psychiatric nurse, paramedic, or psychiatrist.

If he's having a MH crisis then he needs to check in to a psychiatric hospital.

To be fair re Christmas
He was with his mother who just lost her husband.

Sounds like he went with his wife agreement

His behaviour is not ok. If it were me I'd tell him not to bother coming back.

I feel you should have been by his side.

Against medical advice moonlight?

@MoonlightMistletoe she should have put their child and her health at risk?

OT but a few years ago, I visited an old ruined jail that had been turned into a museum. They documented a true story of an unmarried mother in the 1800s who had been proposed to by a man, but he’d only marry her if she got rid of her child as he wouldn’t raise another man’s child. She threw her child down a well, was imprisoned and executed. I remember thinking how desperately sad it was that she felt she had to do that and grateful that times had changed so that women had more control and agency over their lives.

Apparently though, according to this thread times haven’t changed at all and I imagine the women telling OP she should have gone to the funeral, unborn baby be damned, would all punt their babies down a well if it meant sparing the feewings of the poor menz.

That this happened on the day of his father's funeral I would be giving him a chance before leaving the marriage.

She can give him a chance while also staying at a safe location with someone who cares about her wellbeing. It's not like she said she has plans to hit some singles nights this weekend.

He is volatile right now, and showing no sympathy for the physical state of his wife and her highrisk pregnancy, it would be crazy for her to just stay there and wait to see what he does. Frankly, if he is fine with verbally abusing her from a churchyard full of his relatives, and if his own mother is warning her to not be alone when he gets back, there is definite scope for things to get a lot worse than name calling...

OP I hope you're alright. I'm really worried about you after reading your posts. Please be out of the house and somewhere safe when he gets back.

Having a newborn is really hard and it strains even the strongest relationships. With his temper, I'm very worried that your DH is going to hurt the baby when it is here. All it will take is for the baby to cry at the wrong time, just one shake would kill it or leave it severely brain damaged. With his temper he is fully capable of this. Please don't give him the chance to hurt your baby.

People really need to read the OP
OP has miscarried one twin and is on bed rest on the advice of her midwife. Had she gone to the funeral she would have lost the other baby.
The problem is her partners escalating anger, not that she was not with him.

I've read your updates. He's zoned in on the women in his family. Whether your marriage is over doesn't really matter right now. What matters is your safety.

Get your sister over to pack (for longer than a few days - take your maternity wear, all of it) and go.

You'll work out the rest later.

I feel you should have been by his side.

Presumably you read that she is on bedrest. So how? We are pretty certain that the OP has not perfected teleportation yet.

OP has miscarried one twin and is on bed rest on the advice of her midwife. Had she gone to the funeral she would have lost the other baby.
The problem is her partners escalating anger, not that she was not with him.

Now now, she wouldn't definitely have lost the other baby, what an absurd thing to say. She's high risk so it is recommend she avoids travelling, not if she travels her baby will die.

His behaviour is unacceptable however, if this was my DP I would give him the benefit of the doubt as he would be grieving. But my DP doesn't have form for this sort of behaviour. Get yourself somewhere safe and let him get back in touch with you once he has mellowed a bit.

The answer is portals!! I'm telling you.

When I started reading this thread I was shocked by the OP's husbands behavior. Now I'm actually more shocked by some of the comments

I am seriously shocked at too many of the responses on this thread. People who would think nothing of sacrificing their baby and putting their own health at serious risk to attend a funeral. Most sane people wouldn't even do that to say goodbye to a beloved relative, let alone go their funeral. My sister and brother didn't come to our mother's funeral as they had come to see her before she died and couldn't get any more time off work. Nobody raised an eyebrow.

OP, you sound very sensible. Take care of yourself and the baby. And if you do decide to split up with your husband, do keep in touch with your lovely MIL.

How many people would have made a journey by road and rail from, say, Richmond, North Yorkshire to Richmond, Greater London (and back) if on maternity bed rest? That is the sort of journey OP is describing. Uncomfortable enough in a healthy pregnancy and bloody stupid with such a high risk of miscarriage.

OP hope you are with your sister somewhere safe and calm. You have acted in the best interests of your unborn child, as any mother should make their top priority. Good luck going forward.

Even if she'd gone to the funeral, which would have been madness, he still would have found something to be angry about.

Grief is grief, being an arse is being an arse.

If OP had posted saying explaining the circumstances of her high risk pregnancy and saying that her husband expected her to attend a wedding, his parents at Christmas or any other event, posters would be telling her that she’s incredibly stupid and selfish for even entertaining the idea. They’d say she was irresponsible for putting her baby at even the slightest risk and to stay at home. Actually they would even tell that if it was a ‘typical and safe’ she’d be daft travelling that far at this stage of pregnancy. I see similar advice on Mumsnet all the time.

Because it’s a funeral and her ‘poor’ husband is grieving, she’s being expected to travel and risk losing her child. The risks have not changed, simply because it’s a funeral.

The fact he is responding the same with his family doesn't suggest abuse but instead a very broken man having a breakdown.

Yep. He sounds horrible at the best of times, but this is something else. It sounds as though the whole family have been on the end of what's happened today. How dreadful for his mum.

But really, his relatives need to take charge here. They know OP is not safe if he comes home with this unresolved. They need to get him to a doctor or to hospital, and absolutely not let him go home yet.

Horrible of course for these grieving people to have to deal with this. But they seem to recognise that OP needs protecting.

His behaviour is easily explained by grief.

This after she posted his mother called her and suggested her sister be with her if he returns and his uncle called to say they think he is having a breakdown. Is there ANY crap behaviour by a man that can't be excused?

This thread is a disgrace. OP, I hope your sister is with you and that you have the support you need.

@MerryDeath are you joking? It's fine to be upset when pregnant! Her husband knows that she's a unable to travel she has been put on bed rest, to SAVE their child because her other one sadly passed away and she's had other illnesses and your saying it's fine to be upset when your pregnant? It doesn't matter if the husband was drinking or not and from an update from the OP he was in fact NOT drinking, either way what he has done is inexcusable, he has said that there will be consequences, what they might be she doesn't know and it's alarmed his mother and uncle that much that they've phoned to say to either have someone there when he returns or get out, do you not think that's concerning? That his OWN FAMILY are concerned about what he might do. Shame on you @MerryDeath, this is more than being upset when pregnant and if you have nothing to say that is going to help OP then you shouldn't have bothered even commenting.

To everyone else, shame on you all who think the OP should've went, their was risks involved, why would she want to risk her unborn baby? Here's a question, if you had been told by a DOCTOR that you weren't able to travel more than an hour (this trip would be 3 hours by train and 45 mins by car if I remember) because it would be a risk to your child, would you do it? I'd hope you wouldn't, your child whether your pregnant, have any age of child should come first. It's not even like she would only be travelling once, it would be over 7 hours of travel there and back and her doctor has told her no more than 1 hour. If you skip a funeral for the safety of your child so what? Some people on here need to reflect on what their priorities are.

OP, you done the right thing, I hope everything works out for you but most importantly please be safe for you and your child, if you need to chat then update and there will be people to support you, please ignore the posters who are up on their high horses and just focus on yourself!

I lost my DS's twin at 12 weeks and was considered a high risk throughout the remainder of my pregnancy and would have done exactly as you have OP. Is terrifying to lose one baby and be going through something so difficult while desperately trying to hold on to the other. If you can please go to your sister's to get yourself some support and distance to decide what's best for you and your baby. Please keep yourself safe. I wish you well in the remainder of your pregnancy, my surviving twin is now a thriving 9 month old wrecking ball and I couldn't be happier with him, and hope you have your happy ending too