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Original poster

I'm pregnant & husband called me a fucking bitch for not going to his father's funeral

930 replies

allisonjade · 28/12/2019 14:11

I'm 5 months pregnant, very difficult pregnancy (lost a twin at 14 weeks, had a hematoma so been on bed rest and working from home). My husband's father passed away last Friday and today is his funeral. It's out of town and as much as I would have loved to be at my husband's side during this difficult time, I chose to stay at home. I had an amniocentesis done on Monday, and just can't take the risk of losing another baby.

He has sent me a string of messages since last night saying that it's unacceptable that I'm not there, that I'm selfish, that I'm not the person he thought I was, that there will be consequences on my decision (that when our child is born, he doesn't even want my mother to see her and that he won't hold back on criticizing them when he feels like it), that there is no need to give our child his surname since I am not up to honoring his surname myself,, that my behaviour is shameful and embarrassing... and just now, he phoned me from the funeral to tell me that I'm a fucking bitch for not being there.

I'm trying not to get too upset since I am pregnant... I've tried to be supportive and understand his grief but this is now getting to be abusive. Is my marriage doomed? If he's done this now, who's to say he won't leave me soon? Who's to say he won't freak out when the baby comes? I'm honestly shell shocked.

Any advice would be welcome :(

OP posts:
theworldhasgonecrazy1 · 28/12/2019 19:43

He has reacted very badly and without excusing his behaviour I don't think this should be the reason to end your relationship with him if this is unusual behaviour.

He is obviously grieving and doesn't understand your reasons for not coming to support him. Personally I think that maybe you could have gone even just to the actual service and then gone home but then you know yourself and your body best.

Spend some time away from him and assure him that you want to support him in other ways but the way he treated you was unacceptable but you understand that he's grieving.

Put yourself and your baby first but don't forget that your husband is also going through a difficult time.

Good luck for the rest of your pregnancy and try not to let this stress you out too much Thanks

user1497718723 · 28/12/2019 19:44

Grief makes you crazy & will for a long time. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt if it's out-of-character

PanicAndRun · 28/12/2019 19:45

@theworldhasgonecrazy1 so you would've made a 7-8 hour return journey with 6 of them on the train , when you were advised not to, or if you really had to 1 hour at most? Just to attend the service. Really?

BrendasUmbrella · 28/12/2019 19:46

If you had gone, he would probably have lashed out at you anyway. You made the right decision. Prioritize your safety and your baby's safety. See if you can stay with your sister. Tell him the truth, he has made you feel unsafe.

If he's having a mental breakdown he needs medical assistance and support from his family, but not from a very vulnerable member of his family who he has already turned on. It's best to keep a safe distance.

I hope you're paying no attention to the people who think bed rest can magically be set to one side for hours on public transport as long as the event is important enough. Judge Judy was right, you really cannot fix stupid. Best to ignore it...

PanicAndRun · 28/12/2019 19:47

Would people read at least OP's replies??

It's not a one off. He has a bad temper, he has form for getting angry. OP has said he has, hell even his own mother admits he's angry and he has a temper!

Just because this is the worst he's ever been it doesn't mean it's a one off.

bd67th · 28/12/2019 19:48

maybe you could have gone even just to the actual service

Oh FFS,

  1. It was four hours away and the OP is under midwife's orders not to travel longer than one hour.
  2. Have you even even been to a Catholic funeral? It's a full Mass/Communion and lasts around two hours.
PurpleDaisies · 28/12/2019 19:50

Personally I think that maybe you could have gone even just to the actual service and then gone home but then you know yourself and your body best.

How exactly would she have got there when the funeral was four hours away and she’d been told not to travel?

mbosnz · 28/12/2019 19:50

Grief makes you crazy & will for a long time. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt if it's out-of-character

Would you? If you were in the vulnerable position of an extremely threatened pregnancy, and his mother and uncle were both sufficiently concerned to ring you and suggest you go elsewhere for your safety?

I've lost my Dad. It did not make me crazy. It made me cry. My SIL lost her daughter, at a very young age. It did not make her crazy - in the sense of being verbally abusive and physically threatening to her partner. People lose people all the time. They don't threaten and abuse their partners.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 28/12/2019 19:50

The fact he is just as angry with his mum would point towards him having a breakdown rather than him being abusive.

No it wouldn't. It would point to him being a misogynistic arsehole who thinks women are fair game as emotional punching bags.

Note that it was his mother he attacked rather than the uncle. Three prizes for guessing why. Abuse and mental breakdowns are not mutually exclusive.

KatnissMellark · 28/12/2019 19:51

OP, this is bloody appalling. I've had two high risk pregnancies, including like you, a lost twin (I'm so sorry) and persistent bleeding requiring rest. DH has never been anything other than concerned, supportive and always prioritised mine and baby's health, including setting straight anyone who poo-pooed my preference to follow medical advice. As he should.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Clearly he's having a hard time, but there is no excuse whatsoever for this behaviour. If he seeks help, changes and apologizes perhaps you can salvage your marriage. In the first instance though, your priority has to be your physical and mental safety so I would go to your sisters for some space.

I wish you well in your pregnancy- my surviving twin is now a cheeky 2.5yr old- we say he has double the personality because of the way he entered the world. I hope you have a happy ending too Flowers

BrendasUmbrella · 28/12/2019 19:53

For his own mother to suggest you are not alone when he comes home...

Pack your bags and move out. Only consider going back once he is showing that he understands how bad his behaviour has been. Yes, perhaps he is having a breakdown, but once he starts to recover he should see it was no excuse. Though if he has anger issues anyway, it could be that he simply had an excuse to verbally abuse you. And he could consider that excuse valid for a very long time. Save the messages where he tells you his unborn child will take the consequences of your decision to listen to the doctors. You may need them in the future.

Windmillwhirl · 28/12/2019 19:54

Yes, this is the first time he's lashed out like this. He's someone prone to anger, but it's always been proprtionate or at least based on reality. I don't recognize him

Why does the op not recognise him? Because calling her a fucking bitch is out of character and not how he usually is with her

That this happened on the day of his father's funeral I would be giving him a chance before leaving the marriage.

mathanxiety · 28/12/2019 19:54

@allisonjade, I hope you are safe.

I agree with all those who see no future for this relationship, and I agree with you that you should be very concerned in anticipation of your H's response to the rest of the pregnancy and having a newborn baby in your home.

I think this is the real man, not an aberration.

Stressful though the prospect may be, I think you need to make some decisions soon (in the coming 24 hours) about how much time and under what circumstances you and your H can be together in the same space. I urge you to rule out spending time alone with him. If you can decamp to your sister's please do.

Looking forward, it may seem easier for you, given that you say you have accepted apologies before, to accept an apology from him and try to move on. He apparently has no difficulty moving on, so therefore any attempt by you to revisit his terrible behaviour with the aim of making him fully understand the effect on you and on the relationship and commit to not doing it again is going to look like too much of a challenge. It's easier to just not poke the bear, is what I am saying, and sit tight waiting for his next explosion. If this is your life, then you need to re-evaluate the entire relationship. If this is your relationship, then you need to reconsider the value it brings to your life.

It's no way to live.

The atmosphere will affect your baby too.

user1497718723 · 28/12/2019 19:55

I've lost all my family; I really do understand grief. OP states he's having a breakdown & she won't be there to help - she will be at her sisters. The marriage is over in any event

RagingBall · 28/12/2019 19:56

OP - this is awful. Even experiencing grief, he should not be treating you like this.

I'm concerned that both his mum & uncle are warning you about his state of mind - instead of leaving you to deal with it I wonder if they should be contacting police or similar if they're so concerned.

PurpleDaisies · 28/12/2019 19:57

I've lost all my family; I really do understand grief.

Sorry for your loss, but you understand your grief. If isn’t the same for everyone.

user1497718723 · 28/12/2019 19:58

Very true Purple, but he sounds very ill

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 28/12/2019 19:58

I ended up cancelling seeing my family this Christmas due to the amnio (he spent Christmas with his family, which is absolutely right)

Have I read this right, did he leave you alone on Christmas day? His wife with a high risk pregnancy?

CanIHaveADrink · 28/12/2019 20:01

@user1497718723, did you miss the part where HIS MUM is advising the OP’s to stay at her dsis because he is so unwell?!?
Or are you saying that the OP shouod put herself and the baby in a situation that is unsafe ‘to try and help him’ regardless of the consequences on her?

mbosnz · 28/12/2019 20:01

OP states he's having a breakdown & she won't be there to help - she will be at her sisters.

The breakdown is one hypothesis to 'explain' his behaviour. She won't be there because at his mother's suggestion, and uncles, it doesn't appear to be safe for her and her unborn baby to be there.

mathanxiety · 28/12/2019 20:03

Windmillwhirl, she also said his anger has been getting progressively worse over the course of their entire relationship.
"...it's gotton incrementally worse over the years".

'He has said some hurtful things in arguments'.
He lashes out at everyone, no just the OP.
He even yelled at his own mother at the funeral of her husband.

His mother said "he's not being himself and that he's the summit of his "usual angry behaviour". "

This is not something out of the ordinary brought on by grief. It's someone who has somehow got the idea that he is entitled to treat people really badly when he faces any sort of upset, give a perfunctory apology, then move on as if nothing happened, and motor on - until next time.

AngelsSins · 28/12/2019 20:04

I've lost all my family; I really do understand grief. OP states he's having a breakdown & she won't be there to help - she will be at her sisters

OP, who is also grieving in case you missed that, does not owe it to him to be his emotional punch bag on his return, endangering both herself and her baby.

Who knew mens Very Important Feelings we’re even more important than an unborn child’s safety...

PanicAndRun · 28/12/2019 20:05

Yes, this is the first time he's lashed out like this. He's someone prone to anger, but it's always been proprtionate or at least based on reality.

He's someone who gets angry easily, then cools off. He has said some hurtful things in arguments, but he has never called me a fucking bitch or anything else similar to what I mentioned in my first post. He can lose his temper not just with me but anyone...

I suppose it's gotton incrementally worse over the years.

He often over-reacts (in my opinion) but he cools off quickly, apologises really quickly and moves on. I have never been subjected to this kind of abuse, particularly being in a high risk pregnancy

she even suggests that my sister be at home when he gets home. She said that he's not being himself and that he's the summit of his "usual angry behaviour".

Even without the other quotes his mother describes him as "usual angry behaviour ".

Do you really hand on heart believe this is a one off? Would you be willing to be OP's life on it? The life of her unborn baby?

Just because he's never been this bad and it shocked OP doesn't meant it's a one off. It just means his behaviour is escalating either because he now has an excuse or because he can't mask as easily .

Abusive behaviour escalates. Every single time the victim is shocked because it's never been that bad.

DartmoorDoughnut · 28/12/2019 20:06

Hope you’re ok

PegasusReturns · 28/12/2019 20:07

Have I read this right, did he leave you alone on Christmas day? His wife with a high risk pregnancy?

Yep. She stayed at home alone and he fucked off and left her. Bastard.