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Original poster

I'm pregnant & husband called me a fucking bitch for not going to his father's funeral

930 replies

allisonjade · 28/12/2019 14:11

I'm 5 months pregnant, very difficult pregnancy (lost a twin at 14 weeks, had a hematoma so been on bed rest and working from home). My husband's father passed away last Friday and today is his funeral. It's out of town and as much as I would have loved to be at my husband's side during this difficult time, I chose to stay at home. I had an amniocentesis done on Monday, and just can't take the risk of losing another baby.

He has sent me a string of messages since last night saying that it's unacceptable that I'm not there, that I'm selfish, that I'm not the person he thought I was, that there will be consequences on my decision (that when our child is born, he doesn't even want my mother to see her and that he won't hold back on criticizing them when he feels like it), that there is no need to give our child his surname since I am not up to honoring his surname myself,, that my behaviour is shameful and embarrassing... and just now, he phoned me from the funeral to tell me that I'm a fucking bitch for not being there.

I'm trying not to get too upset since I am pregnant... I've tried to be supportive and understand his grief but this is now getting to be abusive. Is my marriage doomed? If he's done this now, who's to say he won't leave me soon? Who's to say he won't freak out when the baby comes? I'm honestly shell shocked.

Any advice would be welcome :(

OP posts:
PanicAndRun · 28/12/2019 19:11

If he's having a mental breakdown then his family should ring the authorities and ask for support. I have no idea how things work in France tbh. If that is not an option, then try their best to keep him there under supervision for everyone's sake.

A vulnerable , high risk pregnancy woman shouldn't have to deal with an angry man having a mental breakdown or try to help him at her own risk.

Once he is stable/calm/safer and under intervention from professionals steps can be taken to discuss and reassess the future of the relationship.

However that's a big if.

Wereallsquare · 28/12/2019 19:13

@selmabear Stop it! The OP is in no state to listen to you berate her for something she can do nothing about. What kind of person are you? Are you always this callous and cruel?

deepwatersolo · 28/12/2019 19:14

My Dad was not himself for a year, after his father died. He stopped talking for a year, basically. That he had unresolved issues with his Dad made it worse.

This grief is a big burden going into the first year of parenthood. And from the sound of it, what OP describes may well go beyond 'normal' grief and may need professional help.

In any case, your priority needs to be your and your child's wellbeing. Luckily his family is obviously on your side in this. Be strong and take care of yourself, OP, and ask your sister for support. Whatever help your partner needs, he will need to sort that out for himself.

MunaZaldrizoti · 28/12/2019 19:14

@T0tallyFuckedUpFamily

Put it this way, if OP had gone and as a result of ignoring doctor’s advice, lost her baby, half of the ones excusing his nasty fucking behaviour, would no doubt be blaming OP for putting her child at risk. The living are more important than the dead, and in this case there is a woman going through a very risky pregnancy. This outweighs his right to be an asshole.

100% this. So much internalised misogyny on here it's disgusting. Quite a number of women on here need to check themselves. They make us all look like women hating assholes while accusing others of man hating.

DishingOutDone · 28/12/2019 19:15

@LittleDragonGirl - um, or he could just be abusive. I think the OP has enough to worry about don't you? Surely his family can sort him out some support where he is.

MunaZaldrizoti · 28/12/2019 19:16

OP made the right decision. I hope she has the strength to cut this relationship off before her baby comes into the world because I promise you, if he cannot handle being 2nd now for 1 day, he will be worse when that child comes into your life.

MistyCloud · 28/12/2019 19:16

@LovePoppy

How sad that so many think that a poor little man just can’t control his emotions and must verbally abuse his wife to feel better!

Hmmm yeah this. ^

I bet, - even though this man is 'grieving' - he would NOT direct the same vitriol, hate, aggression, and threats towards a 6 foot 5 inch tall, hairy-arsed rugby player.

Cowardly twat goes for the easy target; his vulnerable and fragile, heavily pregnant wife.

Anyone who defends him is as bad as him.

AriadneAufNaxos · 28/12/2019 19:17

The living are more important than the dead

Needs to be repeated often apparently.

Scardanelli · 28/12/2019 19:17

The living are more important than the dead. Needs to be repeated often apparently

In that case, I'm going to repeat it. Again.

Lochroy · 28/12/2019 19:18

He may be having a mental breakdown and you think forgiving him may be being "too nice". Wow.

Windmillwhirl · 28/12/2019 19:19

That he agreed you should not go and is now raging you should have been there suggests some kind of emotional breakdown or mental health crises.

If you are concerned, which you have every right to be, go be with your sister or friend.

I'm hoping he will calm down and realise what he has said and how frightening and potentially dangerous it was for you to hear at this time.

LovePoppy · 28/12/2019 19:20

@Lochroy key words “may be”

He might also “may be” an abusive ass

Wereallsquare · 28/12/2019 19:21

@Lochroy Just leave the OP alone. She is on bedrest with a high-risk pregnancy and sky-rocketing blood pressure and you have come here to judge and taunt her? I have no words. Just leave her alone.

bd67th · 28/12/2019 19:23

The OP, under medical instructions, stayed at home to protect the baby she is carrying.

Her husband:

  • yelled at his mum not to speak to him and then ignored her at the funeral
  • has verbally abused OP by text and phone call
  • has alarmed his family so much that they are now warning the OP to have someone with her when he comes home
  • has turned his family's focus from his late father to himself on the day of his father's funeral.

One of these two people is selfish in the extreme. Shame on anyone who thinks it's the OP.

ddl1 · 28/12/2019 19:23

I am amazed at the people who think she should just have gone, regardless. People nowadays are not put on bedrest for trivial reasons. It is known to be not particularly good for a person's general health in most situations to be in bed for long periods, and even people who've just had major surgery are encouraged, sometimes almost bullied, into getting up and moving as soon as they can. So if the doctor does think it's necessary for the OP to be on bedrest to protect her unborn child (her husband's too!), then it's pretty damned likely to be necessary! A funeral is after all to honour the person who died; and if the FIL was like 99% of grandparents, I am sure that he would rather have the OP stay at home to protect his grandchild than risk the grandchild's life to come to his funeral.

meercat23 · 28/12/2019 19:24

To whoever it was that said that a nervous breakdown and abuse are not the same thing, in practical terms they can be. I mean by that that the horrendous things that the OP's OH has said may well be a result of a breakdown but they are still abusive. I would also add that if the OH's family are warning the OP, then even if it is a breakdown it could still turn out to be violent abuse. Take care OP.

MerryDeath · 28/12/2019 19:24

was he drinking?

ps it's fine to be upset when you are pregnant...

Tetran · 28/12/2019 19:24

Sorry to hear you this OP, what a crap situation for you. You have a million percent done the right thing by not travelling and staying at home, for your sake and your babies. He has absolutely no right to speak to you like that, I can't believe people are defending him. Yes, he is upset and grieving, but he is surrounded by the rest of his family; and he should understand that for the sake of his child and his wife they have had to stay home.

AriadneAufNaxos · 28/12/2019 19:25

One of these two people is selfish in the extreme. Shame on anyone who thinks it's the OP

There are some truly awful posters here.

ahenderson270, Selma and Lochroy amongst them.

PanicAndRun · 28/12/2019 19:27

@Lochroy would you risk your safety and that of your unborn baby on a "may be" ?

AriadneAufNaxos · 28/12/2019 19:27

A funeral is after all to honour the person who died; and if the FIL was like 99% of grandparents, I am sure that he would rather have the OP stay at home to protect his grandchild than risk the grandchild's life to come to his funeral

Her husband is showing no respect to his father or his father's widow.

YappityYapYap · 28/12/2019 19:30

3-4 hours travel on public transport is a bit much when you're high risk and being told to take it easy. Especially if the funeral was rural and quite far from a hospital. Like you say, if the funeral was local, you'd have gone in a heartbeat but this one involved a 3 hour train journey then a car journey and it would be the same back. It's a little risky. Yes it is like sitting on a sofa to be sitting on a train but it sure would take longer to get assistance on a train in the middle of no where than it would be to get it from home (huge bleed for example). France has some pretty rural parts and lots of small villages so you can end up quite far from hospitals.

Emotions are running high now OP. I don't think that he would be acting like this if he wasn't grieving would he? I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt today but today only. When you talk face to face, explain your reasons again, tell him you will excuse his words since he was grieving but you won't again. He needs to understand how stressful it would be for you to imagine being on a train or in a church and potentially having a massive bleed and how uncomfortable and scary that would be compared to you being at home, having privacy and being able to get assistance quickly. Also, do you want to be around death when you recently just miscarried? It's a tough situation for all but he should be more understanding. One chance OP, that is all

ddl1 · 28/12/2019 19:33

'you don't need bed rest'

Well, the doctors say that she does. How do you know better than they? This is not an uncomplicated pregnancy; the OP already lost the child's twin.

'and walking a few yards would've done no damage at all.'

But it's not about walking a few yards, is it? It's about a 3-hour train ride plus at least 45 minutes in the car - and that's just in one direction!

CanIHaveADrink · 28/12/2019 19:42

The fact he is just as angry with his mum would point towards him having a breakdown rather than him being abusive. Abusers are usually very good at appearing to be absolutely lovely to everyone else bar the object of their ‘attention/control’.

Staying with your dsis is a good idea and see if he is cooling down. I would also keep in touch with his mum and his family to try and see what is going on/if he needs some support of some sorts. If someone needs to drag him to see his GP, I suspect this would be better if his mum is doing it rather than you.

Steamfan · 28/12/2019 19:42

I've never read a thread that contains so many appalling replies - and so many women ready to let poor little husband behave in the most dreadful way to a wife who needs his support. It's a sad day when the posters can't even be arsed to read the bloody thread. And so many martyrs and experts on the thread. OP - you have done the right thing by not going - MIL has no problems with it, and is concerned for you - as are other members of the family. The worst behaved person is your husband, who seems to be determined to be chief griever