I'm pregnant & husband called me a fucking bitch for not going to his father's funeral

[allisonjade]

I'm 5 months pregnant, very difficult pregnancy (lost a twin at 14 weeks, had a hematoma so been on bed rest and working from home). My husband's father passed away last Friday and today is his funeral. It's out of town and as much as I would have loved to be at my husband's side during this difficult time, I chose to stay at home. I had an amniocentesis done on Monday, and just can't take the risk of losing another baby.

He has sent me a string of messages since last night saying that it's unacceptable that I'm not there, that I'm selfish, that I'm not the person he thought I was, that there will be consequences on my decision (that when our child is born, he doesn't even want my mother to see her and that he won't hold back on criticizing them when he feels like it), that there is no need to give our child his surname since I am not up to honoring his surname myself,, that my behaviour is shameful and embarrassing... and just now, he phoned me from the funeral to tell me that I'm a fucking bitch for not being there.

I'm trying not to get too upset since I am pregnant... I've tried to be supportive and understand his grief but this is now getting to be abusive. Is my marriage doomed? If he's done this now, who's to say he won't leave me soon? Who's to say he won't freak out when the baby comes? I'm honestly shell shocked.

Any advice would be welcome :(

One can only hope that the defenders don't have children, otherwise it doesn't bode well for their future.

I haven’t RTFT because frankly all the posts attacking OP are making me feel sick.

I had a very similar pregnancy with DD1. I was kept in hospital on bed rest for 6 weeks. I even had to be wheeled to the breakfast room and down to my scans/OB appointments. It is fucking terrifying. After that I was then allowed home on bed rest, with instructions to dial 999 if I had another bleed. Because if I’d started bleeding again, both of our lives would be in danger. I’d also had a cervical stitch put in.

Imagine OP got the train, and stared bleeding 10 mins into a 3.5 hour journey.

Absolutely fucking no chance I’d have gone.

OP, get to your sisters, NOW. On the off chance he comes home tonight.

I can’t even be arsed reading the posts by the apologists who can’t even be arsed reading the thread or at least the OP’s updates - the frightening thing is, I reckon most of the apologists ARE reading everything, but still want the OP to be in the wrong.

How sad that so many think that a poor little man just can’t control his emotions and must verbally abuse his wife to feel better

Your DH needed your support. I'm sure you could have found a way to safely attend the funeral. You could have discussed the situation with your GP before hand. Your DH should have never said those things to you but he has every right to be incredibly upset.

Anger and even rage can be a part of grief. Often the anger is misplaced (towards doctors, family members, even God) but it is a known phenomenon in the early weeks/months following the death of a loved one.

Op, stay safe and do what you YOU want to do.

Your DH needed your support. I'm sure you could have found a way to safely attend the funeral.

What are your medical qualifications and knowledge of the op’s physical condition then?

I'm sorry but, having a mental breakdown and being abusive ARE NOT THE SAME THING.

If he was being abusive then his anger and manipulation would be aimed solely at OP. But by the sounds of it, it seems hes lashing out verbally at everyone possible and definitely is unable to cope and manage his emotions and therefore most likely having a breakdown. And yes ina ideal world people wouldn't say things they didn't mean or have breakdowns, but they do, and often that is part of having a mental breakdown, the inability to control or rationalise emotions. It's not a conscious effort or choice to be nasty or hurtful but is a response to feeling completely overwhelmed and being unable to cope. Abuse usually has a element of intent or control,a breakdown is a complete lack of control and ability to inhibit emotional response.

I wouldndefinately call him family back to see if they can get in contact with emergency mental health support (in the UK it would be thr access/crisis team) as it sounds like he needs it and see if he could potentially stay there a bit longer due to the high risk nature of the pregnancy.

Crises like family deaths, births or birth crises, sudden accidents, etc, are like canaries or alarms for relationships. They can shine a spotlight on character traits that might otherwise lurk largely unseen for longer. I don't believe in life 'tests' exactly because I don't believe in some supernatural Tester, but I do think that these sorts of events test our relationships and highlight weak spots. I would expect someone who I'd married to show more sensitivity, love and care for his pregnant wife and child, who should be more important to him than a parent who's died. I think this bereavement has highlighted tendencies that may now come to the forefront more readily. I don't think you should leave him, no - but I think you both need to have a serious talk when you've both calmed down. He has to realise that the health of your unborn child and your health, too, have to come first, over attending a funeral primarily to support him. If he can't accept that, I think it highlights something fundamentally wrong with your relationship.

I cannot believe there are people on this thread saying that OP should have risked her baby's life and gone to the funeral. Is that what FIL would have wanted? No, he would want his grandchild to live.

And all those saying she deserves the abuse, I am absolutely shocked. Victim-blaming much. Abuse-apologists much.

OP I hope this thread doesn’t make you feel worse. to you and both your babies.

I'm sure you could have found a way to safely attend the funeral.

I fail to see how you could be so very sure in the face of quite overwhelming evidence, including qualified medical advice from people who actually know the OP and her circumstances, to the contrary.

Her DH has every right to be incredibly upset at the death of his father, not to verbally abuse and threaten his wife for doing everything she can to protect the life of their unborn child, and to be behaving so irrationally and threateningly that his Mother and Uncle are worried for her safety and wellbeing.

We have all had moments of irrational anger. I’ve certainly been very angry at DH for stupid stuff that confused him, sometimes just because I’m tired or hungry. But if this man is holding his anger for HOURS, that is a big red flag. This is beyond anything expected under any circumstances. Does he have to do something physical before people see the potential for that anger to become a flashpoint? He is telling her, clearly, now, that she is not safe.

@selmabear are you a midwife? A gynae? A doctor at all?

How can you be so sure there was a way to safely travel? And how safe is safe? Are you 100% nothing at all would've happened?

so sure that you'd be willing to risk the life of a baby and possibly their mother?

are you sure?

It’s incredible to me that so many people think his reaction to grief of sending abusive messages to OP is understandable, BUT that OP, who is also grieving her baby, is unreasonable for following doctors advice and wanting to keep her other baby safe. Are only men entitled to grieve now, or is their grief just far more important?

Also want to point out grief doesn't always truly hit until the actual funeral, so it may be that the loss of your child and his father and the fear of losing another has hit him all at once which would have triggered his mental breakdown. And these feelings and fear of losing more could also subconsciously be causing him to push you away (again this isn't usually a conscious choice or intention but a innate preservation mechanism) because if he pushes you away and your out his life he doesn't have to worry about more loss as you won't be there to inform him and he would be able to run and hide and pretend nothing bad is happening.

The fact he is responding the same with his family doesn't suggest abuse but instead a very broken man having a breakdown. If hes not faced intense loss before he very likely has no coping mechanisms to deal with it and may potentially be struggling with cultural appropriation of not being emotional which may have caused him to bottle everything up which in the previous 24 hours as eventually become too much and caused him to just psychologically break. But I strongly suggest working with his family to help him get appropriate care for himself but if it is a breakdown he WILL come out the other side, but much more healthily if he has appropriate medical mental health care. I dont think people comparing his reaction to those who may have lost numerous relatives and potentially at older ages, is appropriate as unfortunately you learn to cope and manage with bereavement each time you experience it and depending on your childhood experiences (maybe witnessing family deal with grief) have already built healthy coping mechanisms.

I’m really sorry you had to go through this OP, I think you shouldn’t respond to any other messages from him. Also if you don’t feel safe or think he may be aggressive or even upsetting when he returns home you may consider getting out of the house before he gets home.

Most importantly keep yourself calm, try not to let him upset you.

It is ridiculous to think you should have gone to the funeral. Ignore anyone who says you should have.

Presumably you're not in the UK but I hope you can find some sources of support.

@PanicAndRun maybe OP could have floated in a bubble with a medical team 🙄🙄🙄

YANBU. Your post title is a bit misleading, because just being pregnant would not be a good reason for not attending a funeral, but being on bedrest - presumably prescribed by a doctor - is. Your baby's safety is paramount. If this is very uncharacteristic behaviour by your husband, I might partially excuse it as a manifestation of grief: some people do become angry and hit out at others as one of their ways of dealing with grief - though they should not do so under circumstances where it can add to the stress of someone like you undergoing a potentially high-risk pregnancy. But if he acts like this in general, even occasionally, it's a loud warning bell.

Ignoring the frankly batshit responses here, I'd ask the uncle and mother what exactly it is that he's been saying that leads them to tell her to run. Whilst getting the hell out of the house, obviously.

After all, if he's stamping around saying that he's 'going to show her what grief feels like' and suchlike, if not outright threats to kill/beat her (which I unfortunately suspect is the case from the urgent messages from relatives), it would be useful to know - especially if he turns up looking on the face of it all contrite, only to turn behind closed doors. And would also be important in protecting herself and the baby later on, as well as providing evidence for inpatient admission and risk assessment if he is actually mentally ill.

Also: the fact that the MIL (who after all has lost her husband, and would normally be expected to paint her son in the best light possible) is warning the OP, means that he is at best in a very unreasonable mood, and at worst could be dangerous. Maybe he has mental health issues; and as I said earlier, grief can affect people strangely; but I am quite worried that he is showing so little concern, not only for his wife's welfare, but for that of his unborn child.

Op, what if he comes back early? I'm a bit worried for you, could you go to your sisters anyway earlier than planned. Please even if it seems over the top, better to be safe than sorry.

I have read every single post, and they collectively add up to one of the most shocking threads I have ever read in almost 20 years on MN.

Life is, obviously, full of risks. Dreadful things can happen that nobody could have predicted.

The OP has already lost one baby, and her pregnancy is known to be high risk. I am genuinely shocked that there is anyone who thinks she should jeopardise her life, and that of her unborn baby, for any reason whatsoever.

Quite simply- it's no one else's business but yours. Your priority must be to protect yourself and unborn child. Grief is a hugely powerful emotion and can cause us to say things that we don't mean. He will feel differently in time- but how would he feel if anything happened to you or the baby as a result of his actions? Trust your own instincts. The decision has been made and he must now deal with it. Regardless of what anyone on here says.

The OP was told by medical professionals not to travel.

Her OH sounds abusive - and I don't care how much grief he is feeling, that isn't an excuse to threaten people or swear at them for no reason. When I was grieving my Mum - yes I burst into tears for no reason, yes I could be a bit abrupt - but I didn't phone anyone to swear at them or make threats.