I'm pregnant & husband called me a fucking bitch for not going to his father's funeral

[allisonjade]

I'm 5 months pregnant, very difficult pregnancy (lost a twin at 14 weeks, had a hematoma so been on bed rest and working from home). My husband's father passed away last Friday and today is his funeral. It's out of town and as much as I would have loved to be at my husband's side during this difficult time, I chose to stay at home. I had an amniocentesis done on Monday, and just can't take the risk of losing another baby.

He has sent me a string of messages since last night saying that it's unacceptable that I'm not there, that I'm selfish, that I'm not the person he thought I was, that there will be consequences on my decision (that when our child is born, he doesn't even want my mother to see her and that he won't hold back on criticizing them when he feels like it), that there is no need to give our child his surname since I am not up to honoring his surname myself,, that my behaviour is shameful and embarrassing... and just now, he phoned me from the funeral to tell me that I'm a fucking bitch for not being there.

I'm trying not to get too upset since I am pregnant... I've tried to be supportive and understand his grief but this is now getting to be abusive. Is my marriage doomed? If he's done this now, who's to say he won't leave me soon? Who's to say he won't freak out when the baby comes? I'm honestly shell shocked.

Any advice would be welcome :(

He's taking everything out on you and his mum. I wouldn't be there when he got back. Take care of yourself and your baby

I was in hospital on bed rest during my first pregnancy when one of my closest friends died. I spoke to my consultant and he agreed that I could go to the funeral (two hours drive away).

I appreciate that the OPs circumstances might be very different. However I would have had a detailed discussion with my consultant about the exact travel plans. I can't imagine not doing everything to be with my Dh if his dad had just died.

Op when everything calms down you and your dh need to have a very honest conversation with each other about what has happened. Your dh should not have spoken to you as he did and you should have been more supportive even if you couldn't go to.the funeral.

Also, and lastly ..

For a group of people so hell bent on calling out an 'abuser' for some nasty texts and a shitty phone call right before he laid his dad to rest .. you are all for sure some of the most offensive, boorish and unpleasant people I've ever spoken to!

I've managed to maintain my temper, I've not called anyone any names, I've not once questioned someone's intellect or ability to read!

For a group of people so quick to tell a stranger to divorce her husband because he called her names and lost his temper on the worst day of his life after a truly horrific year .. you're all pretty nasty yourselves! Guess it takes one to know one!

ahenderson270

Careful, your misogyny is showing.

As I've said if she did this to him you'd all be far less eager to call it abuse but cause he's a man he's immediate trailed and found to be guilty by the mad harem of strangers online!!

More utter bollocks! If a woman sent nasty messages to her partner, followed up by the comment that there would be consequences because he was too ill and AT RISK, to attend a funeral, then her mother contacted the husband to warn him that she was possibly dangerous and for him to get someone to be in the house, we’d be saying the same thing. Stop trying to excuse an abusive man by crying that Mumsnetters are sexist. It doesn’t wash and just makes you look like an apologist.

@allisonjade I hope you are able to ignore the ridiculous posters here telling you what you should have done and how your partner's disgusting threats and insults are as a result of grief. They are MORONS.

YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG. YOU ARE BLAMELESS.

OP I think his behaviour is very worrying regardless of his bereavement.

You are in France, but I don't know if you are French? or your husband is French. If you are not French, once you have given birth in France and your child is considered ordinarily resident in France, you may not be able to move to your home country with your child.

You should seriously consider this while you still have options open to you. You are free to move whilst you are still pregnant. (apart from your travel restrictions due to health)

For a group of people so hell bent on calling out an 'abuser' for some nasty texts and a shitty phone call right before he laid his dad to rest

And a warning from his mum that the OP isn't safe alone with him.

Sounds like abuse to me.

Op when everything calms down you and your dh need to have a very honest conversation with each other about what has happened. Your dh should not have spoken to you as he did and you should have been more supportive even if you couldn't go to.the funeral.

So should she wait for the husband to carry out his threat of there being consequences first, see if HIS mother is over reacting by warning the OP to protect herself against his usual bad temper or should she just pat him on the head, apologise for not putting her pregnancy at further risk and hope he calms down? What do you suggest?

"I suppose he could apologise, but I probably would forgive him (I'm too nice, I know). But my concern is for the future, and if it gets worse, and the rest of my pregnancy plus having a new born."

Some reading for you
Signs of emotional abuse
The Abuser Profiles
And "Should I stay or should I go?" by Lundy Bancroft

I've known a lot of people who have lost parents and none of them have behaved like this.
On a purely practical basis I'm failing to see how OP losing her baby would make anything better.
She had medical advice which she has followed.
She risked losing her dc if she didn't follow it.
She communicated with DH and his wider family before the funeral.
He has been both unpleasant and threatening before and during the event. His own family are worried about his possible behavior after it.
His care for his own dc and pregnant wife appear non existent at present.
I don't understand why people are thinking this is in any way acceptable.

And whilst I am very sorry for their family's loss, the potential life the OP is carrying is more important than the life that's been lost

And I bet her FiL would agree

Oh absolutely. Her husband's behaviour is utterly disrespectful to his father. The whole day has now become about her husband, not her father in law.

Is it any wonder so many women end up in abusive relationships when there are so many posters that are excusing this revolting man’s behaviour towards his wife, when even her mil is earning her. Jesus Christ, I used to wonder why so many woman seem to walk blindly into abusive relationships.

@ahenderson270

One "fucking bitch" would be one too many for me and an absolute unquestionable cause for divorce in my view.

I have a STBX and he has never stooped that low. Ever.

I have a coworker whose husband did use this term about her, then parroted back to her by their very young children, and she got her affairs in order and filed for divorce.

Yes, some things are just that bad.

And stay in them, more to the point

Cross post

"I've managed to maintain my temper,"

This speaks volumes.

You are voluntarily posting on an anonymous internet thread. Of course you should be able to maintain your temper.

As I've said if she did this to him you'd all be far less eager to call it abuse but cause he's a man he's immediate trailed and found to be guilty by the mad harem of strangers online!!

I've not met any men who have recently miscarried one of twins, suffered a hematoma and been advised by their specialist not to travel but I'd hazard a guess you are wrong.

I think it might help if pps could at least read the OP's posts before jumping in with stupid ideas.

If any of my adult DC or their partners put attending my funeral in person ahead of risking my DGC in a wanted pregnancy I'd be very disappointed in them. Sinnce the MiL wanted the OP to stay home I'd guess the DH's parents and family feel the same.

You did absolutely nothing wrong and have nothing to apologise for. If you have a future, don’t let him hold it over you, say every time I did what WE decided was right at the time.
He’s obviously very unwell right now as his family are warning you. Keep looking after you and your baby

I don't understand why people are thinking this is in any way acceptable

Sadly, even when women are murdered by the men they live with, there are always some individuals who try to place the blame on the woman. I suspect that explains the element here who are trying to minimise abuse in the current situation. I'm guessing its because they think if its the woman's fault in some way, that she "brought it on herself", then it can't ever happen to them can it?

I am going to shout at the apologists

WILL YOU READ THE OP'S UPDATES BEFORE YOU POST

All these apologists for this abusive man need to wonder why isn't he desperate to do anything to ensure that his one remaining baby is born safely? Why would he WANT his wife to put their baby at risk? Any risk?

Because to an abuser, they ALWAYS come first.

Grief doesn't turn healthy people into abusers. But it gives abusers the excuse they need to ramp it up.

This is one of the worst threads I've ever read on MN and that's saying something.

Can there really be so many people who defend this man's abusive, threatening, violent language to his wife as being caused by grief?

And so many who are incapable of understanding why the OP was unable to go to the funeral? Can't they read? I'd have thought she was irresponsible if she had gone.

I can honestly hardly credit many of the responses. Thank goodness there are some who understand how bad the situation is.

For a group of people so hell bent on calling out an 'abuser' for some nasty texts and a shitty phone call right before he laid his dad to rest

Except

He has form for it, this is just the worst he's been...so far.

He has a temper and is quick to anger.

He has threatened OP. He warned her there will be consequences.

His needs are more important than his wife's and unborn baby.

His own mother warned OP about him and suggested she's not alone with him.

Obviously he's a kind,sensitive,wouldn't hurt a fly,salt of the earth man.

I really can’t get my head around why anyone on here thinks you should have gone to the funeral, your MIL is more than aware of everything that has been going on, the loss of one baby & threatened loss of the second one. She doesn’t appear to be upset that your not there, and more than understands how things have been & are.

My FIL missed his DD’s funeral, because he’d had a hip replaced the day before she died, Drs told him he couldn’t travel. Like you his journey would have been car, ferry, train or flight, then another 2 hours in a car. No-one thought badly of him for not being there, more sorry for him that he’d missed it. I’m sure like you he’d have given anything to be there, but Drs said no, his body said no. It must have been heartbreaking to have not been able to attend, but I’m sure SIL wouldn’t want him to have damaged himself further, anymore than your FIL would have wanted you to put yourself & the little one at risk.

Op you really need to get yourself out there ASAP, go to your sisters, there’s no excuse for the way your DH is treating you if your partner is having some kind of episode, then you really need to be somewhere safe with the support of your sister.