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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm pregnant & husband called me a fucking bitch for not going to his father's funeral

930 replies

allisonjade · 28/12/2019 14:11

I'm 5 months pregnant, very difficult pregnancy (lost a twin at 14 weeks, had a hematoma so been on bed rest and working from home). My husband's father passed away last Friday and today is his funeral. It's out of town and as much as I would have loved to be at my husband's side during this difficult time, I chose to stay at home. I had an amniocentesis done on Monday, and just can't take the risk of losing another baby.

He has sent me a string of messages since last night saying that it's unacceptable that I'm not there, that I'm selfish, that I'm not the person he thought I was, that there will be consequences on my decision (that when our child is born, he doesn't even want my mother to see her and that he won't hold back on criticizing them when he feels like it), that there is no need to give our child his surname since I am not up to honoring his surname myself,, that my behaviour is shameful and embarrassing... and just now, he phoned me from the funeral to tell me that I'm a fucking bitch for not being there.

I'm trying not to get too upset since I am pregnant... I've tried to be supportive and understand his grief but this is now getting to be abusive. Is my marriage doomed? If he's done this now, who's to say he won't leave me soon? Who's to say he won't freak out when the baby comes? I'm honestly shell shocked.

Any advice would be welcome :(

OP posts:
Bubs101 · 28/12/2019 18:08

I'm so shocked at some of these posters, it's like a race the bottom being smug about how shit they're being treated. OP just because some women seemingly think abuse is OK because 'he's hurting', doesn't mean its ok!!

And you were absolutely right to put the health of yourself and your baby first, you and your baby come first always! Regardless of the situation. Any man who seems to think you should be putting his wants, needs or desires above your child's is dangerous, whether his father died or not. Because if we're being honest, his father is dead and gone, your baby isn't.

And I don't think he's having a mental breakdown, he's using his fathers death as an excuse to act out, and show his true colours. He is abusive, any man who terrorises his vulnerable pregnant wife, threatening 'consequences' if she doesn't do what he wants is abusive. Please OP, think long and hard about the environment you want to raise your child in, do you want to live with a man who has no respect for you, a man who's own mother is warning you about.

Miniloso · 28/12/2019 18:09

His Dad just died. He’s not dealing with it well. It happens. I would have gone for a small period of time to honour his father.

Prevegen4U · 28/12/2019 18:09

@Alderaan See if you can sign up for some reading comprehension classes and also some compassion classes.

OP If you are still reading this, if your sister doesn't live too far try to go to her home.

KatherineJaneway · 28/12/2019 18:10

@T0tallyFuckedUpFamily

As she should have.

I didn't say who was 'right' or 'wrong', just offering OP one possibility for what her husbands motivations might have been for his outburst.

Of course she did. So would I, in a similar situation. So, arguably, would any mother worthy of the name. Perhaps it's not possible to comprehend, if you've not been in precisely the same situation, how terrifying pregnancy is when you've experienced prior miscarriage and especially if you've already lost a twin in the earlier stages of the same pregnancy. I'd also suggest that people who are incapable of any modicum of insight into such a situation are unqualified to comment.

You are projecting. I made no statement, just an observation that might possibly explain why OP's DH said what he did. Anything else is you projecting your personal emotions onto my words.

Good luck OP Flowers

beautifulstranger101 · 28/12/2019 18:10

@ahenderson270

Why are you bothering to comment when everything you've said is wrong and you haven't read what the OP has actually said?
OP was SPECIFICALLY TOLD to go on bedrest by her doctor.
She doesnt need to ring labour and delivery- she had already been told to rest and had already lost one twin baby by that point.

PanicAndRun · 28/12/2019 18:10

How much of a shit poor excuse of human being do you have to be to not read the thread or at least OP's posts in such a sensitive,difficult situation? Even more shitty to then post to attack OP or condone and excuse abuse.

It's terrifying how so many women have such low standards from men.

He can't possibly help himself from abusing his pregnant wife and grieving mother,but OP should put her health and baby's life at risk to support him? Fuck me..

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 28/12/2019 18:10

JoanBonJovi

You should have gone

You think a pregnant woman who has already lost one of her baby’s should have put the other child at risk, when you can even make the fucking effort to read the thread! Away on!

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 28/12/2019 18:11

@AriadneAufNaxos

Believe it or not it was toned down from what I wanted to say!

I’m usually super nice and non confrontational but for long complicated boring reasons that I don’t want to use as a “me-rail” people treating their unborn babies like they are disposable tends to really annoy me.

Fightingmycorner2019 · 28/12/2019 18:11

Honey
Mothers don't warn their DILs about their much loved sons without good reason

Please be very very wary
Go to your sisters please , not being dramatic but you have nothing to lose
And Much to gain by being safe with your sister

dreichhogmanay · 28/12/2019 18:11

Pack your essentials, get your documentation together, and phone your sister to fetch you to her house if you don't feel able to drive there yourself. Then file for divorce.

This seems very sensible advice.
I would definitely go and spend time with your sister.
Your DH sounds both unpleasant and unsafe at present. You currently need neither.
I wouldn't have gone to this funeral either, you are looking after your dc who is at present much more vulnerable than your DH.

ohwheniknow · 28/12/2019 18:11

ahenderson270

You evidently don't understand how to identify abuse.

PurpleDaisies · 28/12/2019 18:11

ahenderson you are better using words you know the meaning of instead of ones you don’t.

She was explicitly told no travel further than an hour. There was no need to phone back and check whether that applied to travel to a funeral. The purpose of the travel is irrelevant.

PurpleDaisies · 28/12/2019 18:13

I would have gone for a small period of time to honour his father.
How would have got there? Teleport? The issue is the travel had been forbidden by the doctor.

MadCattery · 28/12/2019 18:13

What the fuck is wrong with some of you, thinking of the poor man worried about already losing a baby and being supportive??? WTF? She already said he left her on her own for Christmas, in spite of her pregnancy issues. He’s not a supportive partner and he isn’t going to improve. Not today, and without professional help, probably not ever

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/12/2019 18:13

"I have to also update that just speaking to his mother now, she even suggests that my sister be at home when he gets home. I'm really shell shocked, never expected her to say that. She said that he's not being himself and that he's the summit of his "usual angry behaviour"."

I too think it'd be best if you went to your sister's as presumably he'd be able to tell her to leave his home when he returns? Whereas if you are already at your sister's home, he is the visitor and she is in charge.

Someone advised earlier that you screencap the horrible texts he has sent you in case you need them in a future divorce, others suggested you send them to his family so they know why you're divorcing him. Could I make a third suggestion? Both his mother and uncle have now contacted you, concerned about his behaviour right there in front of them. I think you should show them the barrage of messages, and tell them about the 'fucking bitch' phonecall. I think they are dealing with him in person right now, and they need to know the full extent of what they are dealing with if they are to (a) get him the correct help and (b) keep themselves safeSad.

I am so sorry it has come to this.

Also, I'd ask you to consider if you have subconsciously downplayed his previous behaviour. His mother referred to his "usual angry behaviour", and when someone asked 'was he like this when yous got together?', your response was "I suppose it's gotton incrementally worse over the years." I wonder, if you were to think back, what memories of past behaviour you might look at a little more critically in light of today's events. You may find you've been giving him the benefit of the doubt for a long time.

Prevegen4U · 28/12/2019 18:14

When I started reading this thread I was shocked by the OP's husbands behavior. Now I'm actually more shocked by some of the comments, the ignorance and total lack of reading comprehension.

Maybe it's just not only poor reading skills but different cultural norms, and expectations.

ahenderson270 · 28/12/2019 18:14

Or... I'm not so quick to hail someone abusive based on one side of a story over the internet without even pausing to consider the others perspective

As I've said if she did this to him you'd all be far less eager to call it abuse but cause he's a man he's immediate trailed and found to be guilty by the mad harem of strangers online!!

LuluJakey1 · 28/12/2019 18:14

He is behaving in a pathetic way. If he really loved you he would be putting you and his child before himself. He can not think beyond himself. He is selfish and a bully. He knows his anger is always excused- 'Oh he's an angry person but calms down quickly and says sorry'.

Leave a not that says you do not feel safe with him given how he has behaved and that he can ring you when he has calmed down. You will decide what you are going to do but at the moment need to feel that you and the baby are safe. Don't go to your sister's- he presumably knows where that is. Go and stay in a hotel under a different name.

Protect yourself. Record everything and keep copies. Talk to a solicitor for advice. Your husband is a selfish bastard. His poor mum!

bd67th · 28/12/2019 18:14

@Alderaan The OP was under medical instructions not to travel. RTFT or STFU.

@JoanBonJovi See above.

PanicAndRun · 28/12/2019 18:15

Would you all be as paralytic with fear for the husbands safety??

Are two men a week killed by their partner or ex?

PurpleDaisies · 28/12/2019 18:15

You are condemning the op for following medical advice ahenderson. That’s totally out of order.

AriadneAufNaxos · 28/12/2019 18:15

I'll risk a deletion for this but ahenderson270 you are an idiot.

beautifulstranger101 · 28/12/2019 18:16

This reply has been deleted

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Hithere2 · 28/12/2019 18:16

Funerals and burials are for the living, for closure.

OP, well done on putting your health and your unborn baby's health first.

Nanny0gg · 28/12/2019 18:17

@Thefaceofboe

I don’t see how attending the funeral would effect your pregnancy?

Then you clearly didn't read the OP's posts, let alone the FT.

(Don’t mean this to sound awful)

Well it does

but you aren’t expected to walk to the funeral

It's not only about the walking.

And whilst I am very sorry for their family's loss, the potential life the OP is carrying is more important than the life that's been lost.

And I bet her FiL would agree