I'm pregnant & husband called me a fucking bitch for not going to his father's funeral

[allisonjade]

I'm 5 months pregnant, very difficult pregnancy (lost a twin at 14 weeks, had a hematoma so been on bed rest and working from home). My husband's father passed away last Friday and today is his funeral. It's out of town and as much as I would have loved to be at my husband's side during this difficult time, I chose to stay at home. I had an amniocentesis done on Monday, and just can't take the risk of losing another baby.

He has sent me a string of messages since last night saying that it's unacceptable that I'm not there, that I'm selfish, that I'm not the person he thought I was, that there will be consequences on my decision (that when our child is born, he doesn't even want my mother to see her and that he won't hold back on criticizing them when he feels like it), that there is no need to give our child his surname since I am not up to honoring his surname myself,, that my behaviour is shameful and embarrassing... and just now, he phoned me from the funeral to tell me that I'm a fucking bitch for not being there.

I'm trying not to get too upset since I am pregnant... I've tried to be supportive and understand his grief but this is now getting to be abusive. Is my marriage doomed? If he's done this now, who's to say he won't leave me soon? Who's to say he won't freak out when the baby comes? I'm honestly shell shocked.

Any advice would be welcome :(

Ignore the other posters. They haven't read your updates if his own mum thinks you're safer not alone with him initially then definitely go to your sisters. I hope you get there and can unwind the knot in your stomach

I think he's really struggling with everything that's going on and doesn't know how to deal with it so is lashing out in anger. Grief can make people really difficult, and I wouldn't be surprised if while at the funeral has getting hassle from family and others their oover why your not in attendance, so while trying o cope with his own feelings,he's also most likely being got at by others in attendance and unfortunately that is being taken out on you as he's very likely being pressured because of your absence. Also often people really do take things out on those closest to them when they dont know how to manage there feelings. I imagine if you were arguing face to face, by the end of it he would end upa crumpled mess bawling his eyes out, as he's pushing you away as he feels awful but what he needs is love and support. I m not saying his actions are okay, and I would out my foot down by calming stating it's not a acceptable way to talk to you and that you had agreed this is what was best for you and the baby,but also show compassion and care for him and let him know its okzy to be upset and cry as hes going through something truly awful having lost a child and dad in such a short time and being scared for the health of your current pregnancy so if he needs to cry and break down thats okay and at home with you is a safe space for him to show his sorrow but not anger as that's unfair on you as you would've been there if it hadn't put you and baby at risk.

Nah SeeingThePyramids, you FOD and stop trying to downplay the risk to the OP, when her own MIL is frightened for her. People downplaying the risks to women, contributes to abused women going back to their abuser when they’ve ‘calmed down’. Grow up and recognise reality.

You didn't go and he faced that horror by himself. You have to both live with consequences of him having his place in your heart redefined into second place at a time he's already endured so much loss

So much hyperbole

Mothers do tend to put their DCs lives before that of their partners. I’d think less of those that don’t.

Sorry not read the whole thread. But how far out of town? If it was half an hour in a car to a pew and back again. Then you should have gone if the midwife said no risk. Maybe that is the issue. Often people (men) only listen if a health professional says it is yes or no

It was a 45 min taxi ride, then a 3 hour train journey then another car ride and her gyn told her she should be on bed rest.

Still think she should have gone???

My OH didn't come to my dad's funeral because of basically money. I fully understood that, I can't even remember if we had more of a discussion besides " are you coming?" "sorry I can't ".

I didn't rage,swear or threaten him. My close family understood. I didn't promise him repercussions. I didn't act like a fucking bully,frighten him and emotionally abuse and blackmail him. And I definitely didn't agree to it then go into a rage when there was nothing he could do...far away and funeral happening.

Smilethoyourheartisbreaking posting isn’t compulsory if you can’t be arsed to read what the op’s said. Those questions have been asked and answered.

OP, given your updates, I think you should view this relationship as over. The indications strongly suggest his arsehole behaviour is coming to the fore, and if both his uncle and mother are calling you to warn you, then it suggests they are worried for you, too.

I'd pack and go to your sister's, with any important documents, etc, and evaluate the situation when your DH returns.

No problem. Your further message from his mother is really worrying, especially the way it normalises his angry behaviour. Please don't be there on your own when he returns. You do not need this stress atm. Go to your family. Take control and let him see how upsetting this is. Yes, you should have come to a joint agreement on the funeral...but it's done now. No woman....absolutely none...should be made nervous by the return of her partner. Think long term....do you want this baby to think this is how a father acts? This is a role model.
Bless you sweetheart. This is going to be tough. The important thing is the baby. x

@Smilethoyourheartisbreaking how about you read the thread then instead of commenting irrelevant useless nonsense on a sensitive situation?!

Two of his relatives have now advised you that he is a risk to you. Imagine how he must be behaving for his own mother to worry about what he might do to you. Please go to your sister and get some help tomorrow. Your local mairie or the gendarmes should be able to help with how to keep safe. Also call his medicin generaliste for advice, doctors here are very paternalistic and may well intervene at your request to assess his mental health.

Personally I think you should definitely have been there to support him. I would be devastated beyond belief if my DH didn't support me pn such a day. His behaviour is easily explained by grief.

Although you should take it easy after an amnio (I had one in August and also have a difficult pregnancy), you don't need bed rest and walking a few yards would've done no damage at all.

I can't imagine leaving my love to go through something like that alone and I'm genuinely shocked at most of these responses.

I can’t even be arsed reading the posts by the apologists who can’t even be arsed reading the thread or at least the OP’s updates. Why the hell are you wasting your time typing, without reading. Is it just because you’re so keen to jump in and make excuses for an abusive man? Is that your natural default.

Please expect better from men.

It’s impossible to understand the people that think a vulnerable pregnant woman, who is 100% responsible for the care and safety of her unborn child, should go against her own judgement as well as that of her Doctor and place herself and the baby at risk.

I think the only person that should decide if it’s safe to travel is the Mother.

Anyway, in this case her husband agreed with and supported the decision to stay home. So obviously he’s now lost his mind due to his grief.

He didn’t ask her to come then get upset because she isn’t there. So anyone not respecting her decision is also not respecting his sane choice to put his child first.

Also, nothing to say he wouldn’t be still losing it and potentially dangerous if his wife had gone along. So she’s safer not being there in more ways than one.

he's been a prick and needs some grief counselling and anger management but he isn't a monster and taking off to your sisters and taking his remaining child and the one person he'd hoped he could count in away will probably push him into a place that's dangerous for him!

Dangerous for him? Even though he's clearly escalating rapidly and even his own mother and uncle have seen fit to warn OP? Fuck any danger he might pose to her and the unborn child, eh?

Leaving him now would be beyond a betrayal and I'm saddened people don't see that.

Sure. The OP's safety from this man's apparently uncontrollable anger - not least that of the unborn baby - are of scant concern when compared with his hurt feelz.

Way to throw women under the bus. If enablers like this are commonplace there's no wonder the statistics of male-on-female violence make such frightening reading. Advice like this is the only thing that's dangerous.

Some of the posts on this thread are unbelievable.

@ahenderson270

"I fully suspect he's been a rock for yo during your pregnancy and loss"

And you base this on what? And it is a justification for his abuse how?

@allisonjade Has your husband, in fact, been a rock for you during this pregnancy and loss?

If so, great, but it's not a justification for demanding you go against medical advice to be at his side at the funeral and spewing abuse at you, his mother, and indirectly at his unborn child.

Hope you're holding up OK and good luck to you.

You should have gone

He is angry because you are not there obediently by his side and all his family can see that his wife does not obey him
He wants to punish you for not obeying him and for being publicly disloyal, you've dissed him and he's spat his dummy out
what is he some sort of gangster/chav??

Based on what joan?

That person has posted vile things in other threads too- i think they enjoy getting a reaction out of people. ignore.

She has stated he hasn't been abusive previously .. that he's been a fiery sort but never anything like this .. you all are so happy to glass over that he's lost a child too and is probably desperate for some mental health support .. whatever happened to in sickness and in health!!

If his mother has warned you to make yourself scarce then fine do so, or perhaps speak to police to lay the foundations for any support if it's needed ..

However as I very clearly stated at the start of my post for all of you baying like demented hounds at the start of a hunt .. I find the way he's spoken to her abhorrent and not acceptable, indicative of him needing serious support and intervention..

With that said if the op had posted a thread about losing it at her husband for leaving her to attend the funeral despite her loss and high risk pregnancy - if she said she'd called him a bastard and told him she'd never forgive him and that she would hold him accountable .. if her sister had called him up and told him to give her some space to calm down and find focus ..

Would you all be as paralytic with fear for the husbands safety?? I highly doubt it and that's the point I'm making .. his grief and reactions to it are two separate issues and blurring the two is hugely unfair to men who struggle with child loss .. but this is only my opinion I guess

And lastly yes she was advised to not go .. she wasn't told implicitly after a detailed consultation following the news of the FILs passing that she shouldn't travel specifically for this ..

Had I been you op I'd have been ringing labour and delivery and asking for advise once your FIL had died regarding the safety of travelling to the funeral .. that way then if the dr had implicitly said no definitively no travelling even for this then perhaps your husband might not feel so abandoned.

@Smilethoyourheartisbreaking If you'd read the full thread, you'd have seen that there was a three hour train journey followed by a 45 minute car journey.

RTFT or STFU.