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Original poster

I'm pregnant & husband called me a fucking bitch for not going to his father's funeral

930 replies

allisonjade · 28/12/2019 14:11

I'm 5 months pregnant, very difficult pregnancy (lost a twin at 14 weeks, had a hematoma so been on bed rest and working from home). My husband's father passed away last Friday and today is his funeral. It's out of town and as much as I would have loved to be at my husband's side during this difficult time, I chose to stay at home. I had an amniocentesis done on Monday, and just can't take the risk of losing another baby.

He has sent me a string of messages since last night saying that it's unacceptable that I'm not there, that I'm selfish, that I'm not the person he thought I was, that there will be consequences on my decision (that when our child is born, he doesn't even want my mother to see her and that he won't hold back on criticizing them when he feels like it), that there is no need to give our child his surname since I am not up to honoring his surname myself,, that my behaviour is shameful and embarrassing... and just now, he phoned me from the funeral to tell me that I'm a fucking bitch for not being there.

I'm trying not to get too upset since I am pregnant... I've tried to be supportive and understand his grief but this is now getting to be abusive. Is my marriage doomed? If he's done this now, who's to say he won't leave me soon? Who's to say he won't freak out when the baby comes? I'm honestly shell shocked.

Any advice would be welcome :(

OP posts:
NewInTown08 · 28/12/2019 17:48

People can act irrationally when they are grieving. Unless he is like this usually, I would be patient with him and not take the words to heart. if you have a hematoma then you should be resting as much as possible so I don't think it's unreasonable that you stayed home.

ohwheniknow · 28/12/2019 17:48

He's not having a mental breakdown, he views this bereavement as entitling him to escalate his pre-existing abusive behaviour.

Ginfordinner · 28/12/2019 17:48

lowlandLucky stop being an arsehole Hmm

PanicAndRun · 28/12/2019 17:49

Ask MIL or any of his other relatives to message/ring you if by any chance he decides to come home anywyas.

TatianaLarina · 28/12/2019 17:50

You’d think that his reasoning would be that he’s just lost his dad he wouldn’t want to lose his kid as well.

It’s all about him, his needs, over the welling of his partner and baby.

The posters excusing his verbal abuse should be ashamed of themselves.

PoloMama · 28/12/2019 17:50

Does he not put the baby first? My husband would not have heard of me travelling if I’d been told not to. He also would have spent Christmas with me if I couldn’t travel to see my family. How odd he doesn’t put his own family (ie. you and the baby) first. Very worrying for the future...

Ihavehadenoughalready · 28/12/2019 17:50

@lowlandLucky no. No. All about the BABY. Her "making an effort" may jeopardize their baby's life. Husband is being the unsympathetic one here.

Teensandfuture · 28/12/2019 17:51

What mumwon said, looks like someone been saying something.. And if its different culture, who knows maybe it's a complete nono not to attend the funeral

Thefaceofboe · 28/12/2019 17:52

I don’t see how attending the funeral would effect your pregnancy? (Don’t mean this to sound awful) but you aren’t expected to walk to the funeral

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 28/12/2019 17:52

He's not having a mental breakdown, he views this bereavement as entitling him to escalate his pre-existing abusive behaviour.

This ^

He was low level abusing you before this and doing the usual “I’m so sorry” crap, that abusers come out with. Now your a vulnerable pregnant woman and he is using his father’s death to ramp it up. Grief or not, no one gets to abuse others like this.

Would you excuse it if he spoke to his child like this? After all, it’s grief talking, isn’t it, so he can’t control his feelings, isn’t that right? Hmm

ahenderson270 · 28/12/2019 17:52

Where as I agree he's been well out of order and should never speak to anyone the way he has done, especially is pregnant wife and his mother.. everyone including said wife and mother seem to be completely neglecting to include that this bloke hasn't just lost he dad over Christmas..

He has also gone through a high risk pregnancy, twin loss and the grief of losing a child. These things don't just happen to the mothers and so often we see they fathers pain and experiences ignored and lost in the concern over the mother. I myself lost a child in May this year at 16 weeks that my ex and I had conceived via him donating sperm so the children will all be full siblings (I'm not interested in a new relationship but wanted a last child). He was with me at the birth of our dead child and not one person asked him once if he was ok, if they could do anything for him. He didn't get offered photos with his daughter, or to even bloody hold her! He didn't get a bereavement midwife or equivalent and at no point did anyone ask him about funeral wishes ..

All of our living children's pregnancies were horrendous and we nearly lost the younger two on multiple occasions - again his struggle with that reality was never a concern of anyone except myself!

In 6 months this man has lost a child, faces the risk of losing the other, maybe his wife and his dad died at Christmas!

Aye he's been a prick and needs some grief counselling and anger management but he isn't a monster and taking off to your sisters and taking his remaining child and the one person he'd hoped he could count in away will probably push him into a place that's dangerous for him!

I fully suspect he's been a rock for yo during your pregnancy and loss, he just cannot fathom why you aren't being there to be his.. it's a moot point now. You didn't go and he faced that horror by himself. You have to both live with consequences of him having his place in your heart redefined into second place at a time he's already endured so much loss.

Leaving him now would be beyond a betrayal and I'm saddened people don't see that.

HannaYeah · 28/12/2019 17:52

I’m so sorry you are going through this. It does sound like he’s having a breakdown.

I would tell him tomorrow not to come home until you feel certain he’s stable. It sounds bad enough to me that he could use some serious in-patient treatment. Enlist his family to help. If you can not prevent him returning then definitely leave.

I agree with your decision not to go. Even if I didn’t, it could not justify this insane reaction.

We have a thread here for asking others to take our worries so we can rest and take care of ourselves. I highly recommend it. (Search for night shift). Please continue to take care of yourself and your little bean by whatever means necessary.

PurpleDaisies · 28/12/2019 17:52

I don’t see how attending the funeral would effect your pregnancy? (Don’t mean this to sound awful) but you aren’t expected to walk to the funeral

Read the bloody thread.

AriadneAufNaxos · 28/12/2019 17:52

The posters excusing his verbal abuse should be ashamed of themselves

With bells on. There are some awful posts on here. And his behaviour is extremely disrespectful to his father. All attention is now on his shitty, bullying behaviour.

YouretheChristmasCarcass · 28/12/2019 17:53

I don't think it's fair to expect his sister to put herself in danger (possibly) of verbal abuse or violence to protect the OP from her husband. No one should do that.

The OP needs to leave and go to a safe place where she can rest, be looked after, and her communications with this angry abusive man can be screened by someone to avoid further upset.

As the saying goes "When someone shows you who they are (even after many years), believe them". He needs help. His anger is completely out of proportion to his grief.

beautifulstranger101 · 28/12/2019 17:54

@ahenderson270
read the fcking thread. HIs own mother advised her to get out of the house because her son is having some sort of mental break.

FFS

PegasusReturns · 28/12/2019 17:54

@lowandLucky

Assuming you’re not just attacking an anxious pregnant woman for the fun of it and that you genuinely think that the OP is the one in the wrong here if genuinely get some support to explore why you feel like that.

SeeingThePyramids · 28/12/2019 17:55

@T0tallyFuckedUpFamily

“So are you suggesting that she puts herself at risk for a man that has already shown her his aggressive side, before this latest incident. A man who is described by his own mother as having an aggressive temper and phoned the OP to warn her against her OWN SON. No wonder 2 women a week are murdered by men, when we have so many apologists for aggressive men.”

ODFOD.

I’m absolutely not suggesting that and you know it. I made it clear in my other post that she should leave for her sisters.

My post was intended to implore the salivating mob to speak in a more reasoned and calm fashion to an incredibly vulnerable OP.

It’s perfectly possible to encourage her to leave to protect her safety without terrorising her and making her panic completely.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 28/12/2019 17:55

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AriadneAufNaxos · 28/12/2019 17:55

ahenderson270

What a load of tosh. He wasn't on his own. The rest of his family were there. Your post is so ridiculous I can't be bothered saying anything more about it.

Helmetbymidnight · 28/12/2019 17:55

The posters excusing his verbal abuse should be ashamed of themselves

I agree. It's staggering.

I honestly didn't know abusing loved ones who can't attend funerals was regarded as such a normal and acceptable thing. I've learned a lot here.

PurpleDaisies · 28/12/2019 17:56

You didn't go and he faced that horror by himself. You have to both live with consequences of him having his place in your heart redefined into second place at a time he's already endured so much loss.

Did you totally miss the fact that she didn’t go on medical advice? Ffs.

Ginfordinner · 28/12/2019 17:56

Will the posters supporting the husband kindly go and read the OP's updates and then go and do one.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 28/12/2019 17:56

I fully suspect he's been a rock for yo during your pregnancy and loss

Does that include the times he has shown his temper beforehand? Is it ok that he abuses her only 5% of the time, if he’s lovely 95% of the time. Can he behave like that towards his child, when he loses his mother?

Stop making excuses for him. If his own mother thinks the OP is at risk and talks about his usual temper, what makes you think you know better than her?

PanicAndRun · 28/12/2019 17:57

I hope that the latest apologists haven't read the full thread.

How could anyone have any sympathy , encourage OP to put up with this shit and berate her after his own family warned her against him I don't know.

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