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Original poster

I'm pregnant & husband called me a fucking bitch for not going to his father's funeral

930 replies

allisonjade · 28/12/2019 14:11

I'm 5 months pregnant, very difficult pregnancy (lost a twin at 14 weeks, had a hematoma so been on bed rest and working from home). My husband's father passed away last Friday and today is his funeral. It's out of town and as much as I would have loved to be at my husband's side during this difficult time, I chose to stay at home. I had an amniocentesis done on Monday, and just can't take the risk of losing another baby.

He has sent me a string of messages since last night saying that it's unacceptable that I'm not there, that I'm selfish, that I'm not the person he thought I was, that there will be consequences on my decision (that when our child is born, he doesn't even want my mother to see her and that he won't hold back on criticizing them when he feels like it), that there is no need to give our child his surname since I am not up to honoring his surname myself,, that my behaviour is shameful and embarrassing... and just now, he phoned me from the funeral to tell me that I'm a fucking bitch for not being there.

I'm trying not to get too upset since I am pregnant... I've tried to be supportive and understand his grief but this is now getting to be abusive. Is my marriage doomed? If he's done this now, who's to say he won't leave me soon? Who's to say he won't freak out when the baby comes? I'm honestly shell shocked.

Any advice would be welcome :(

OP posts:
elliemcx · 28/12/2019 17:32

Don't be there when he comes home. Nothing good is going to come of that. Go to your sisters where you are safe and sound.

Coughsyrupsucks · 28/12/2019 17:33

If a grieving widow has taken the time to warn you about her son, please, please listen. Get your stuff together and get to your sister’s house immediately. Stay safe OP!

Original poster
allisonjade · 28/12/2019 17:33

@pointythings
He may be having a breakdown - who knows? But you are at risk here.

Well, now his uncle has just phoned me and he thinks that my husband is indeed having a mental breakdown...

I'm starting to get very concerned about my wellbeing, he's staying with his family this evening, so I should be fine. But will organize to stay at my sister's place in the coming days I think. And then try and figure out a way out of this mess :(

I suppose he could apologise, but I probably would forgive him (I'm too nice, I know). But my concern is for the future, and if it gets worse, and the rest of my pregnancy plus having a new born.

OP posts:
beautifulstranger101 · 28/12/2019 17:34

I notice his defenders have now gone mysteriously quiet......

SeeingThePyramids · 28/12/2019 17:34

Please guys. This is a real persons real life.

People are screaming at her to run now because he’s coming home to attack her.

Can you not see that it is terrorising rather than helping?

Doubleyouexwhyandzed · 28/12/2019 17:34

I’d have gone. Sitting on a train doesn’t cause a miscarriage. His dad just died 😭

imalmosthome · 28/12/2019 17:34

Get OUT, OP! Get out before he gets back! She’s trying to warn you that he may become physically abusive! Pack your stuff, photo copy all the financial papers you both have, get your passport and GET OUT! This is not his grief talking, this is his true side coming out, under the guise of grief.

THIS X 1,000.

Your first decision was to put a fragile new life first. Absolutely correct.
Your second decision must be to remove yourself & the baby to a safe place.
Do you have a second home/family still in the UK?
Because if so, I'd be thinking about waiting until it is safe to travel, and then returning.

MadCattery · 28/12/2019 17:36

Get. Out. Now. Do not take this chance. Clear out what you need and go. Text him that this episode will indeed have consequences. Take care of you and your much wanted, much loved, baby.

Blitzen2 · 28/12/2019 17:37

It’s awful but he has just lost his father.

I would ignore his calls and texts until he’s calmed down and got through such an awful day. They always say that you lash out at the people closest to you

Original poster
allisonjade · 28/12/2019 17:37

I would also like to thank everyone's support this afternoon, I've been trying to stay as calm as possible to protect the baby, even though I'm sure my blood pressure is sky high plus anxiety.

OP posts:
moctodtensmum · 28/12/2019 17:38

Have now read updates. At this point it’s totally irrelevant whether you could have gone to the funeral. The way he is treating you and his mum is awful and unforgivable. The fact this ain’t a one off but prt of a creeping change is also awful. Please tell us you are going to stay with your sister.

Bluebutterfly90 · 28/12/2019 17:39

Also can you speak to your midwife? You mentioned you're in France so I dont know what the service is like there but I think your husbands behaviour should definitely be on their radar.
Keep yourself safe and do not be alone with this man! Wishing you and the baby the best. Flowers

PurpleDaisies · 28/12/2019 17:39

I’d have gone. Sitting on a train doesn’t cause a miscarriage.

SHE WAS TOLD BY ACTUAL DOCTORS NOT TO.

Ninkanink · 28/12/2019 17:39

His mum is warning you. Sad

Get yourself and your baby somewhere safe. Flowers

AriadneAufNaxos · 28/12/2019 17:40

FWIW, I discharged myself from hospital to go to my step-grandmother’s funeral, at 34 weeks pregnant having been hospitalised from 25 weeks with extremely high risk of premature labour

Whoop de doo for you. That was a very foolish decision and you were lucky it had no consequences. Your family should have had the decency to tell you not to have attended. A new life always matters more than the dead.

So far as the OP she's done nothing wrong. Her husband is a vile bully.

MadCattery · 28/12/2019 17:40

You don’t have to live in fear. Tell him you’ll come home once he’s arranged som mentaL health assessment and counseling

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 28/12/2019 17:41

Well, now his uncle has just phoned me and he thinks that my husband is indeed having a mental breakdown

Don’t sacrifice the safety of you and your child for this man, breakdown or not OP. I’d be concerned that he was having a breakdown if your MIL hadn't already described his behaviour as his usually angry self. If he’s mentally ill they can get him help. Don’t risk yourself being a verbal or physical punchbag.

Please guys. This is a real persons real life.

People are screaming at her to run now because he’s coming home to attack her.

Can you not see that it is terrorising rather than helping?

So are you suggesting that she puts herself at risk for a man that has already shown her his aggressive side, before this latest incident. A man who is described by his own mother as having an aggressive temper and phoned the OP to warn her against her OWN SON. No wonder 2 women a week are murdered by men, when we have so many apologists for aggressive men.

AriadneAufNaxos · 28/12/2019 17:42

It’s awful but he has just lost his father

Sorry- in what way does the loss of his father excuse his vile, bullying, nasty behaviour? That is a pathetic excuse.

Ginfordinner · 28/12/2019 17:44

You were wrong to not go to the funeral, you should have been there. I say that as someone who has lost 5 pregnancies

I can’t believe the number of posters who think the OP should have gone to the funeral Hmm
She has been advised by a medical professional not to travel. IMO the baby comes first. If she had gone the OP’s husband might have had to face losing the other baby as well, plus deal with the guilt that he made his wife go to the funeral at a risky time.

I understand that the bereaved need support, but I still think an unborn baby is more important.

she even suggests that my sister be at home when he gets home.

That sounds worrying

WTF Doubleyouexwhyandzed Hmm. Have you even read the OP’s updates?

lowlandLucky · 28/12/2019 17:44

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BlaueLagune · 28/12/2019 17:45

I think the thread has moved on somewhat since I made my first comment on here.

Having thought about it, if my DH called me a f-in bitch at any time, never mind when carrying his child, I'd be off. It just wouldn't happen.

It seems like his mental state is extremely volatile (putting it kindly). You've had good advice on this thread, please heed it.

ohwheniknow · 28/12/2019 17:46

Coercive control.

He will keep escalating. Apologies are so you stay for him to continue abusing, not an indication of remorse signifying the end of his abuse.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

I'm pregnant & husband called me a fucking bitch for not going to his father's funeral
PurpleDaisies · 28/12/2019 17:46

lowlandLucky “making an effort” by going against medical advice? Really?

Seeingadistance · 28/12/2019 17:46

Could your sister come to you, OP, and help you pack some things for a short, or longer, stay with her?

And given your husband’s family are clearly concerned about his mental health, do you think they could get him help where he is now?

Him coming home to you seems to be the very worst idea.

So sorry you’re having to deal with this.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 28/12/2019 17:47

All about you isnt it. That man has lost a baby too and his Father but you wont make an effort, is this how you usually are ? Matbe he has had enough of you

NO! It’s about her BABY and anyone that feels that she should risk losing her second twin to appease a nasty bastard like this, can simply fuck off!