I'm pregnant & husband called me a fucking bitch for not going to his father's funeral

[allisonjade]

I'm 5 months pregnant, very difficult pregnancy (lost a twin at 14 weeks, had a hematoma so been on bed rest and working from home). My husband's father passed away last Friday and today is his funeral. It's out of town and as much as I would have loved to be at my husband's side during this difficult time, I chose to stay at home. I had an amniocentesis done on Monday, and just can't take the risk of losing another baby.

He has sent me a string of messages since last night saying that it's unacceptable that I'm not there, that I'm selfish, that I'm not the person he thought I was, that there will be consequences on my decision (that when our child is born, he doesn't even want my mother to see her and that he won't hold back on criticizing them when he feels like it), that there is no need to give our child his surname since I am not up to honoring his surname myself,, that my behaviour is shameful and embarrassing... and just now, he phoned me from the funeral to tell me that I'm a fucking bitch for not being there.

I'm trying not to get too upset since I am pregnant... I've tried to be supportive and understand his grief but this is now getting to be abusive. Is my marriage doomed? If he's done this now, who's to say he won't leave me soon? Who's to say he won't freak out when the baby comes? I'm honestly shell shocked.

Any advice would be welcome :(

OP given the update from your MIL text him and tell him to stay with his family, if he refuses go to your sister. Her being there instead it would be like a res flag to a bull, plus she'll have to leave eventually.

" but am giving the benefit of the doubt for now."

He seems to have form though, doesn't he?

Abuse usually surfaces for the first time when the partner is pregnant because then she is vulnerable, trapped and the perpetrator get jealous of the baby getting the attention. I think this is a warning if things to come

@diddl yes, and my position is shifting with every update.

the more I read this the more I think that there has been a stirrer at the funeral - Oh & WHERE is your (English) wife? Not very supportive =etc

I can’t help thinking many of these posters are so used to putting men’s wellbeing and wants before their own, that an unborn baby seems inconsequential in comparison. That’s the real disgraceful behaviour in all this

^This. I'd also echo PPs pointing out that abuse often becomes active during pregnancy.

As to the comments about "it would be different if it were the man no going" - words fail me, but I'll review my opinion when I see pregnant men posting with this dilemma

@PanicAndRun

Next it will be someone who lost 7 children, but still crawled 50 miles, while bleeding to attend the funeral of their sister's pet.

And why didn't the op teleport ,fly a broom, hire a helicopter or used a portal. The portal would be a last resort, though the baby might end up in another dimension where their father isn't such a twat.

LOL at this! ^

These threads often seem to bring out the competitive race-to-the-bottom, 4 Yorkshireman type bollocks.

Thats a really worrying update. When is he due back?

OP, if even his mum suggests that you should be on your guard and call in support, then you should do just that. Your H clearly has major anger issues - what you do with that going forward needs some serious thought - and you now have it straight from the horse's mouth that his current behaviour is not normal. He may be having a breakdown - who knows? But you are at risk here.

I also cannot believe the number of posters here who think you should have gone to the funeral given your medical situation. Women really are their own worst enemy.

he didn't speak to her once during the entire funeral except to yell at her to not say anything to him while they were waiting for the coffin to arrive. This was incidently when he phoned me to tell me I'm a fucking bitch.

If I treated my mum like that, my entire family would be down on me like a tonne of bricks and rightly.

I have to also update that just speaking to his mother now, she even suggests that my sister be at home when he gets home.

Because he might be a physical threat to you. His mum knows him better than anyone else.

Pack your essentials, get your documentation together, and phone your sister to fetch you to her house if you don't feel able to drive there yourself. Then file for divorce.

The posts in this thread are absolutely disgusting.

@allisonjade has explained her high risk situation. Despite everyone caring oh so much for her health and the safety of her unborn child it’s just been 12 pages of people screeching furiously in both directions!
Whipping up anxiety and stress about his return and her future.

How the fuck is this helpful?

Arguing about who is to blame or who did the worst thing is utterly useless and cruel given the OP’s immediate situation.

Focus on what she needs today;

• Go to your sisters so that whatever happens you are supported and safe.
• Try to disengage temporarily from the situation. No decisions or conclusions can be made at such a heightened time.
• Rest, hydrate, keep to a good eating routine.
• Don’t try to think past tomorrow.

💐 sending love

So sorry your suffering this abuse in your pregnancy.
I fail to see how he will improve after you give birth. Naturally the loss of his parent is sad, but his behaviour towards you is imo unforgivable.
In your position I would tell him the marriage is over & get to a safe place.

I'm so sorry about your other twin OP. I have lost a twin too (at 34 weeks) so Unfortunately, I know how you feel.

The gist of a lot of the responses seems to be that your husband is allowed to behave irrationally because he's grieving but very few posters have actually acknowledged that you are grieving too and maybe you're behaving in a way you ordinarily wouldn't (ie not going to your FIL's funeral). Doesn't seem very fair.

It's only natural to worry about your other twin now and posters debating on the length of your bedrest is pretty insensitive imo (and for what it's worth I'm fairly certain I took things easy for a week after my double amnio). You are doing what you feel is right by you and you are trying to protect yourself in the only way you know how at this time.

Did you explain this to your husband? Did you guys talk this through at all?

You’re not your, senior moment.

*I can’t help thinking many of these posters are so used to putting men’s wellbeing and wants before their own, that an unborn baby seems inconsequential in comparison. That’s the real disgraceful behaviour in all this
*
Agree. Why does his grief trump hers? Especially when hers is coupled with an undoubtedly all encompassing fear of losing her second baby, too. And that his grief means he can speak to her so nastily, when it sounds like she has been more reasonable than a lot of people would be in her shoes - it sounds like OP was left alone at Christmas because she couldn't travel, and he still went away. Not saying that he shouldn't have, after his dad passing - but give the poor woman a break, FFS.

OP you need to tell him to stay away until he has calmed down. MIL is obviously worried about what he's going to do. Text both and tell him to stay there.

Anger is part of grieving and I expect that he's had a million people today asking where you are and it's made his day even harder than it would have been. Not that this is an excuse as it clearly isn't your fault.

Bloody funerals, I'm not sure I want one personally, surely the purpose is laying the poor soul to rest in peace and for people to pay their respects. Not to start family feuds because someone couldn't make it. Horrified that anyone would think someone on bedrest or with any other reason it was very difficult should come to mine. I won't be there will I? 🤔

@NearlyGranny

My own father was dying and I didn't go. I didn't make it to his funeral. I was living a long haul flight away 20 weeks pregnant with high-risk precious twins (see my earlier post). Disastrous obstetric history and years of infertility.

I followed medical advice. I didn't go. Nobody screamed abuse at me. I did the right thing. My dad knew I lived him. My family understood.

Sorry for your loss. Lucky that you have such a nice family...

I have a friend whose mother died (6 months after her father) and although she went to her father's funeral, she was unable to go to her mother's funeral because she was ill with flu. Couldn't stand up properly, let alone attend a funeral. (She lived 50 miles away at the time too, and couldn't drive, so it would have been a two hour journey.)

She has 3 aunts and an uncle (mother's sisters and brother) and they went mental at her. One aunt and one uncle (her mum's oldest sister, and her mum's brother, who saw themselves as the family chiefs,) said it was disgustingly nasty and basically vile and evil to not attend her own mother's funeral.

They said she needn't bother contacting them again. Sadly, her other 2 aunts and her 8 first-cousins (all older than her,) took the older aunt and uncle's side, and basically cast my friend out of the family, and her older sister - 10 years older - also took the extended family's side, as she was scared of being treated like a pariah too. My friend was only 28 when she lost her parents, and the way the family behaved to her was horrible. Making her an outcast.

15 years later, she now lives 100 miles from them, and has no contact at all. (And hasn't had since 2005.) Her sister and BIL, and also 2 of her cousins, tried to reach out about 4 or 5 years ago, (found her on facebook) and even tried contacting her DS and DD, and they all just blocked them. She said, leaving it 10 or 11 years to try and make amends is a piss-take, and they can fuck off.

So yeah, I would be seriously re-evaluating this relationship @allisonjade Your husband doesn't sound like a very nice person. And it's a well-documented fact (as some posters have said,) that (some) men are more abusive when the mother of their child is pregnant. He won't change. Be warned.

I have to also update that just speaking to his mother now, she even suggests that my sister be at home when he gets home. I'm really shell shocked, never expected her to say that. She said that he's not being himself and that he's the summit of his "usual angry behaviour".

OP. I'm very sorry you're in this awful situation. The advice PPs have given you for keeping yourself safe is sound. Please listen to your MiL (who sounds a wonderful woman, BTW); she knows your DH about as well as anyone.

Unfortunately I have extensive experience of abusers, and your latest updates are ringing loud alarm bells with me. If even your DH's mother is making comments like this - which have clearly come as a shock to you but don't make it sound as though she's too surprised - then perhaps it won't be safe for your sister to be there with he returns either. The phrase 'usual angry behaviour' is particularly worrying here.

Please continue prioritizing your baby's welfare and keep both of you safe.

I really think that you should go to your sisters now OP. You definitely made the right decision for your baby by not going on such a long journey. Look after yourself now and stay away whilst his behaviour seems so strange. I can't believe how many people think that you should have gone! Honestly are they not reading this thread properly? There's a clear possibility of him lashing out at you when he gets home. Your mil has warned you and I really think that you should take it seriously. Be safe and update to let us know that you're ok

Given what his mother just said, I'd be packing and going to my sister's, now.

Mothers don't warn their DILs about their much loved sons without good reason.

OP- please go to your sisters now. The fact his own mother warned you is evident something really really bad could happen

Of course, on here, he’s the fucking devil just because he’s a man.

Complete and utter bollocks! We could easily point out that posters are only defending his abuse of his already grieving wife because HE’S a man!

she even suggests that my sister be at home when he gets home. I'm really shell shocked, never expected her to say that. She said that he's not being himself and that he's the summit of his "usual angry behaviour"

Get OUT, OP! Get out before he gets back! She’s trying to warn you that he may become physically abusive! Pack your stuff, photo copy all the financial papers you both have, get your passport and GET OUT! This is not his grief talking, this is his true side coming out, under the guise of grief.

that he's had a million people today asking where you are

"My wife is under midwife's orders not to travel long distances for any reason." Question answered.

As a brief afterthought OP: if your DH has seen fit to abuse his own mother - a grieving widow - as well as you then this should tell you one thing loud and clear.

It's not you. It's him.

If his mother suggested his sister be there, she must fear what he might say or do to you if it's just you at home when he returns. Maybe you'll need help getting him some emergency mental health treatment?

Also, that she shared with you about her son's mental state twice now, shows that she trusts you, sympathizes with you, and probably thinks her son is a danger to himself or you.

--Please then do invite his sister, you could say she offered to come help you with meals, etc.

--He does not get to call you a "fucking bitch" no matter what. Unacceptable. Probably don't bring that up if he's still in a state.

--Any consequences that occur due to this whole situation were caused by his actions, not yours.

--Hope your pregnancy goes smoother from now on.