I'm pregnant & husband called me a fucking bitch for not going to his father's funeral

[allisonjade]

I'm 5 months pregnant, very difficult pregnancy (lost a twin at 14 weeks, had a hematoma so been on bed rest and working from home). My husband's father passed away last Friday and today is his funeral. It's out of town and as much as I would have loved to be at my husband's side during this difficult time, I chose to stay at home. I had an amniocentesis done on Monday, and just can't take the risk of losing another baby.

He has sent me a string of messages since last night saying that it's unacceptable that I'm not there, that I'm selfish, that I'm not the person he thought I was, that there will be consequences on my decision (that when our child is born, he doesn't even want my mother to see her and that he won't hold back on criticizing them when he feels like it), that there is no need to give our child his surname since I am not up to honoring his surname myself,, that my behaviour is shameful and embarrassing... and just now, he phoned me from the funeral to tell me that I'm a fucking bitch for not being there.

I'm trying not to get too upset since I am pregnant... I've tried to be supportive and understand his grief but this is now getting to be abusive. Is my marriage doomed? If he's done this now, who's to say he won't leave me soon? Who's to say he won't freak out when the baby comes? I'm honestly shell shocked.

Any advice would be welcome :(

@Genzeee

Of course he's the devil coz he's a man!

Oh, stop talking such utter shit.

As a few others have said, no-one thinks he is the devil, but they do think he's an ignorant, aggressive, abusive, nasty arsehole, and the OP deserves better.

It does sound as if his relatives have influenced him. If I were you though, unless I had been told not to leave my bed! I would have gone but found somewhere to sit.

Well said Muna

I would have gone but found somewhere to sit.

She was told not to travel. How was she supposed to travel?

Well, obviously, OP, you have different values than many of the people on this thread, who apparently value going to a funeral over the life of their baby. Good on them, then.

If it was in the same town, then maybe I could see going, but a 3 hour train ride, plus 45 minute train ride plus lengthy service, plus the threat of railway strikes would be far too much of a risk.

There is no possible excuse for the way your husband has lashed out at you. He knows full well why you weren't there and that it wasn't for a frivolous reason. The fact that it was a string of texts and not just one makes it even worse. I would seriously re-evaluate this relationship. He sounds like the type who would hold this over you forever.

This was obviously a difficult decision for the OP. She and her DH had discussed her going and they BOTH decided that they should do what is best for the baby. According to her doctor, what is best for the baby is to avoid train journeys of more than 1 hour. Attending the funeral would have involved a 3 hour train journey. She has spoken to DH family and they understand. If OP had attended the funeral and then lost the baby how much additional grief would her DH have felt? Together they made the best decision they could given the information they have.

Her DH is obviously grieving and missing the support of his wife. Having said that, the things he has said via text are indefensible. Personally I would not be there when he gets home and wait for him to explain/apologies/discuss.

Must say, given your updates, please think very carefully about whether or not this is a good man and whether you and your child will be safe and happy with him. Only you know him, as others have said.

In OP’s own words: “ True, I'm not on strict bed rest, but I have a certificate from my doctor telling me to avoid plane travel and train travel longer than an hour...”

The funeral was 45m away by car. She chose not to go.

He roared at his mum on the day she buries her husband? What a fucking twat - who the HELL does he think he is?

OP, please confirm - was it 3h by train PLUS 45m by car? Or was it 3h by train OR 45m by car?

Go and stay with your sister, OP and get some rest and stress reduction.

There is no excuse for his behaviour towards you. Grief does odd things but verbally abusing the mother of your child and using bullying language is WAY out of the ordinary. OP - ignore the martyrs saying they would have gone to the funeral. If theyhad just lost one baby they would not have.

If his behaviour has been incremental then I am sad to say that perhaps this is the REAL person he is showing. What a pig.

She hasn’t been put on bed rest. She says that herself in an earlier post. She’s been told not to travel on a plane and to limit other travel to an hour. Could she not have had someone drive her while she reclined her seat?

@DulciUke
He sounds like the type who would hold this over you forever.

In one of the messages, he said that this decision would have consequences and that he would never forget it.

@CinnabarRed

She wasn’t “strictly” on bed rest.

OP, I’m going to be honest, I think you made a terrible choice.

FWIW, I discharged myself from hospital to go to my step-grandmother’s funeral, at 34 weeks pregnant having been hospitalised from 25 weeks with extremely high risk of premature labour.

Whoop de bloody doo! Bully for you. Have a carrot! 🥕

Fucking hell, there's some shit being spouted on here!

"If he comes home and is profoundly apologetic and admits that he was wrong to lash out"

He has gone way beyond lashing out though hasn't he?

Message upon (unnecessary) message, calling her a fucking bitch & threatening consequences.

He's an utter, utter bastard.

@CinnabarRed

It was actually a taxi ride to the train station for half hour about (rail strikes, no public transport), then a 3 hour train, then a 45 min car ride to the venue.

You didn't feel able to give support and now it seems he wants to punish you. Grief is a strange thing and for him this loss is on top of the loss he already experienced when the twin died. However, there are a couple of red flags here.

1. You didn't discuss and agree that you shouldn't attend the funeral. It's a bit of a sign that you're not acting like a couple. Also he might come from the sort of family who set huge store by these things. If you had sat down and said, what should we do...is it safe...he could have held his head op in front of his family..."We though it was best if she stayed at home..."
2. He threatened you with consequences...wtf does that mean? You say he's been angry in the past but with justification. What about? Did he threaten anyone then? This is a massive issue. He's about to be a parent, the most stressful thing ever. Can you trust him? Are you a team?
3. The stuff about the baby's surname....that's a strange one. Most macho men....and he does sound macho.. love the idea of giving their name to someone.

Think hard and don't rush over the next few weeks. He might apologise for the texts, and you can say how sorry you are for missing such a huge day in his life. But think hard about what you want for the baby. Better to leave him before the birth than afterwards He already seems to be suggesting that he's having second thoughts...Take your time and think about whether you should too. Take care of the little one.xxx

Fair enough OP. That’s very different.

I have to also update that just speaking to his mother now, she even suggests that my sister be at home when he gets home. I'm really shell shocked, never expected her to say that. She said that he's not being himself and that he's the summit of his "usual angry behaviour".

My worry is (1) the rest of my pregnancy and (2) when this new born arrives.

Next it will be someone who lost 7 children, but still crawled 50 miles,while bleeding to attend the funeral of their sister's pet.

And ofc why didn't op teleport,fly a broom, hire a helicopter or used a portal. The portal would be a last resort as the baby might end up in another dimension where their father isn't such a twat .

Grief is fine, anger is fine, even a certain amount of lashing out is fine. It's not fine to abuse your pregnant wife, guilt and shame her for putting her health and baby first or threaten and promise retribution.

He'll never forget this? I bet OP won't either.

I don't know if I'd even be at home when he gets back OP, if he can't even reel himself in to be kind to his grieving mother

@Glamgran59 - thank you, you've given me lots to think about

OP you need to keep you and your baby safe. I agree you should have your sister there if you cant go to her.
He has no right to be treating you like this and I dont blame you for being concerned for your future with him being around.

@diddl yes, I’m much, much closer to that side of the argument, but am giving the benefit of the doubt for now. I have experience with someone who did something similar (not to that extent, mind) whilst in the depths of despair immediately after someone close to him died, but it was a complete one-off. He was hugely apologetic and humbly asked for forgiveness, acknowledging how awful he had been and how unfair it was, and I accepted it because I knew it was his awful pain and grief that had driven it and nothing more. However, and most importantly, he’s not in any way angry/abusive/horrible.

allisonjade
I was a practising midwife for many years. If you were my patient I would have done everything in my power to stop you leaving your bed for any reason, never mind the journey you describe.
Please ignore the posters on here that are telling you that you should have travelled. They have no idea, none at all.
Your husband's behaviour is awful.
I wish you all the best with your pregnancy. Sadly, I fear for you and your child with this man.