I'm pregnant & husband called me a fucking bitch for not going to his father's funeral

[allisonjade]

I'm 5 months pregnant, very difficult pregnancy (lost a twin at 14 weeks, had a hematoma so been on bed rest and working from home). My husband's father passed away last Friday and today is his funeral. It's out of town and as much as I would have loved to be at my husband's side during this difficult time, I chose to stay at home. I had an amniocentesis done on Monday, and just can't take the risk of losing another baby.

He has sent me a string of messages since last night saying that it's unacceptable that I'm not there, that I'm selfish, that I'm not the person he thought I was, that there will be consequences on my decision (that when our child is born, he doesn't even want my mother to see her and that he won't hold back on criticizing them when he feels like it), that there is no need to give our child his surname since I am not up to honoring his surname myself,, that my behaviour is shameful and embarrassing... and just now, he phoned me from the funeral to tell me that I'm a fucking bitch for not being there.

I'm trying not to get too upset since I am pregnant... I've tried to be supportive and understand his grief but this is now getting to be abusive. Is my marriage doomed? If he's done this now, who's to say he won't leave me soon? Who's to say he won't freak out when the baby comes? I'm honestly shell shocked.

Any advice would be welcome :(

OP, I am very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how it must feel to lose a twin during pregnancy. I wish you the best of luck for the rest of your pregnancy.

I can't believe the amount of people who are making excuses for your husband's abuse (actually I can, people do it on here and in real life all the time ). The fact is that his whole family are grieving and none of them have insulted you or been angry with you at all. They all understand and support your decision.

This man is abusive and you must end the relationship for your own sake and that of your baby.

He is right about one thing only:
"there is no need to give our child his surname"
Give the baby your own surname!

I don't know how it works in France, but here in the UK you could talk to your midwife about the abuse and they would probably encourage you to talk to Women's Aid. Please do the equivalent where you are!

Do you have your own friends and/or family nearby or just his?

And I read it as 45m in the car OR 3h on the train, not both.

FWIW, I discharged myself from hospital to go to my step-grandmother’s funeral, at 34 weeks pregnant having been hospitalised from 25 weeks with extremely high risk of premature labour.

That’s totally irrelevant. Also totally reckless with respect to your baby.

How are so many people's standards so low that they think it's reasonable to risk a very wanted, already risky pregnancy for the sake of attending a funeral and that the OP should suck up being abused as a "fucking bitch" as either her just desserts for not attending or because, "bless him, he's grieving"?

Honestly, if those of you saying these things ever wonder why so many men feel entitled to treat their partners abysmally and get away with appalling behaviour (up to and including partner murder) I think you should start with a good long look in the mirror.

For what it's worth, I say this as someone who lost their father in horrible and unexpected circumstances and still don't think the behaviour of the OP's partner warrants kid gloves or "understanding". It's disgraceful.

@Tryalittletenderness

I walked into a packed church for my mother’s funeral, got to the front only to find my husband wasn’t by my side. He was standing outside smoking with my sisters. That was the last straw for me that ended my marriage. I told him one week later that it was over and never looked back.

Over-reaction of the year. Leaving your husband coz he was having a smoko outside the Church? Bit unreasonable and shitty of him to do this at your mother's funeral, but not a dealbreaker.

Unless there is a massive backstory/dripfeed.

hope you are ok if you ever need to chat to another woman message me

: was he like this when yous got together?

: does he often send abusive text messages to you when he doesn't get his own way?

: does he treat his mother this way?

...thats usually signs of an abusive selfish spoiled man i have a brother like that... if thats the case get yourself and your baby out of there the sooner the better until he seeks therapy....

however if its not normal for him to behave that way mabey he is missing his wife and grieving for his baby that yous lost aswel as his father and scared of where he fits in when when new baby arrives. and hes prob taking it all out on you.. if this is true try and be understanding and talk to him about it and try not to take what he has said personal, but he NEEDS to understand the damage this can cause to you and your unborn baby ITS NOT OK TO BE ABUSED LIKE THAT under any circumstances NOT EVEN GRIEF!! ... mabey let him read this thread so he understands is acting like a selfish man whos not caring for his wife and babys needs.

@allisonjade

YANBU. Your DH's behaviour and the way he spoke to you is awful. And 'it's the grief talking' my arse. Yeah we act irrationally when we lose someone close, but this is not acting irrationally, this is him being fucking vile towards you.

Now the way HE has behaved would be a dealbreaker for me. I'd tell him to fuck off tbh, and I say that as someone who has lost both parents (and DH has lost his too,) and we never ever EVER spoke to each other like this. Fucking disgusting, and it will get worse.

Sorry for the loss of your baby btw. A few posters said it was his baby too, which is true. So it makes you wonder if he was upset about the loss of his baby, why he is being so vile to you. Surely he should understand your hurt and how vulnerable and fragile you feel.

I'd get out of this relationship now personally. As I said, things will only get worse.

The point is not whether you should have gone to the funeral or not; the point is that your h has abused you both verbally and in text. The texts take time to compose, time when you could - should - be thinking "this is not a good idea, don't press send", but your h was happy to compose several abusive texts and then abuse you further on a call.

I don't much care whether he was grieving as I don't think it's an excuse for his behaviour. He should be on his knees before you begging your forgiveness; is he?

He’s lost his dad and also lost a baby. It wasn’t just your baby. He obviously needed your support. Of course, on here, he’s the fucking devil just because he’s a man. Would you have went if it was your dad? That’s the real question

He obviously needed your support. Of course, on here, he’s the fucking devil just because he’s a man.

No. She was following medical advice not to travel. She wanted to be there but couldn’t.

Would you have went if it was your dad? That’s the real question.

Of course it isn’t the real question. That wasn’t the situation.

Why do ppl compare pregnancies? Your situation is not the op's situation. She has LOST one baby already, of course she is scared and taking every precaution necessary to keep her baby alive. Its unreal to me that ppl cant grasp that Im sorry, but the baby is more important than a funeral, the rest of the family know this, the husband on the other hand is only thinking of himself, he should be fully supporting OP!

CinnabarRed
Your pregnancy/ risk was not remotely similar or comparable to the OP's.
You had been on bedrest as advised and got to 34 weeks, a good chance of fetal viability and a good outcome with negligeable maternal risk even if you went into labour. You had no haematoma or bleeding.

Of course, on here, he’s the fucking devil just because he’s a man

Nope. Its because he has verbally abused his pregnant wife, has anger issues that come up regularly and is expecting her to go AGAINST medical advice to protect her unborn child. Thats why. HTH!

Exactly
He thought not an iota of his heavily pregnant bed rest partner . Who is vulnerable

This is really triggering for me as my nasty abuse started when I was heavily PG with first child . I also was over cautious and anxious and he completely went against
Me and showed no empathy

So yes maybe I am
Projecting but the OP raises red flags for me

Anyone who spouts and texts abuse to a pregnant and vulnerable woman ..... well
They are a bad in in my books

I don't think the's the devil "just because he's a man", actually I don't think he's a devil at all. I think he's an ignorant abusive arsehole.

And fwiw, I do think op should have gone to the funeral, but that't not what this is about, is it?

There are worse things than not attending a funeral. That would be attending the funeral and going into labour right there and her DH needing to take her to a hospital instead of attending said funeral. The bed rest after amnio is to prevent miscarrying/early birth.

@CinnabarRed Would you have thought it worth it if you had lost your baby?

Honestly, my grandmother would be furious if I did the same and would probably visit me from beyond the grave to give me a talking to!

Anyway, I hope your baby is fine and all turned out well.

Have not read the entire thread yet, but cannot believe the posters who are saying grief excuses or makes understandable the inexcusable and vile behaviour of your husband. I would never want to be married to someone who would threaten and talk to me like that under any circumstances at all. He is frightening and disgusting.

The first job of a parent is to put their child first. The OP has done this, her H's family have supported her, but her H has abused her for it. Shame on all the PPs who defended him.

OP, in your position I would be very tempted to use the screencap feature on my phone to record the abusive messages and then send the screencaps to your H's family1. Let your MIL see how her son is treating her unborn GC's mother. If the bollocking she gives him doesn't trigger a groveling and sincere apology, then get your ducks in a row and prepare for divorce. At least your in-laws will know why* you are divorcing and will hopefully understand. And before anyone says "they're grieving, give them space", he's relying on the OP thinking that to get away with what he's said to her.

The baby will tie you to him even after divorce and I'd normally suggest an abortion to prevent that from happening. I get the feeling that you really want this baby though, so it's even more important that you keep all evidence of abuse, past and future, to use in court if you need to.

You’ve done nothing wrong OP- he has behaved appallingly.

I’m going to reiterate what I said earlier.

If he comes home and is profoundly apologetic and admits that he was wrong to lash out in such a horrible way, when it’s not actually you he’s angry with at all but rather it’s rage and pain because his father has died, then I don’t think it needs to be the end of things. But you won’t ever unhear it, and if you don’t feel happy with the side of him that you saw when he was in crisis, then ultimately that is okay too. You would not be unreasonable to feel differently about him from now on.

Give it some time and give yourself some space from him, talk to him when he gets back.

OP is probably mourning the loss of a child just 2 months before. And she is terrified of losing another child. Those telling her she should have just gone are assholes. Fuck the lot of you. His mourning and pain does not trump hers.

@AxeOfKindness - yes, I would.

I would honestly see OP not attending the funeral as the end of the relationshipz

@TheBigMansWife

: was he like this when yous got together?

I suppose it's gotton incrementally worse over the years.

: does he often send abusive text messages to you when he doesn't get his own way?

He often over-reacts (in my opinion) but he cools off quickly, apologises really quickly and moves on. I have never been subjected to this kind of abuse, particularly being in a high risk pregnancy

: does he treat his mother this way?

I have literally just got off the phone with his mother, and she said he didn't speak to her once during the entire funeral except to yell at her to not say anything to him while they were waiting for the coffin to arrive. This was incidently when he phoned me to tell me I'm a fucking bitch.

Tricky situation to navigate. Be mindful that this could be the beginning of some kind of dv. Be kind to yourself and vigilant that this doesn't become 'normal' behaviour.