To terminate/put up for adoption because of abusive ex-husband

[RainMinusBow]

Currently 18 weeks' pregnant (much wanted) with fiancé but abusive ex making my life hell. He has 50:50 of our two boys (court enforced) despite years of abuse and coercive control. It still continues and has got a lot worse since he's found out I'm pregnant. Has told our children that the baby is going to be "born a retard" (because of my age) and that boys should just hope and wish that the baby dies. The boys come home "pretending" to stab me and thump me in the stomach.

Ex called today (via son) calling me a pervert and a psycho because I am pregnant.

The abuse never stops.

Nobody helps me.

The only way I can realistically minimise the abuse is to let this baby go. I know it would break my fiancé (his only chance at fatherhood and I'm 39 now) but I can't live like this.

I do wonder if some of the people who have commented have experience of SS etc

I have experience of dc placed in long term Foster care because of a situation similar to this but the dc were younger and threatening other people with violence learnt from their father. Ss worked hard to keep the dc away from the emotionally abuse father and with the mother. The mother put other things first and now her children will never be returned to her.

I simply cannot afford to put my job at risk. I'm also on temporary contract so reality is that anything raised against me will impact on Head's decision to keep me on, even of it is all false
It is such a shame that your job comes before your children.

You keep saying how you've tried to get help in the past with how he's treated you. I'm saying stop focusing on the way he's treating you when you contact services got help. Focus on the abuse your dc are suffering. Focus on what he's telling them to do and say. Focus on how much damage he's doing to THEM. If you have a man who is willing to tell them to kill a baby to spite you how do you know he won't tell your older child to kill your younger child to spite you. Or he may harm them both to spite you.

Stop thinking about how you feel and look at the damage he's doing to your children.
The people saying the dc should go and live with their father now because he's said about hurting the baby. What is wrong with you? Why on earth would you put a 12 year old in the full time care of an abusive controlling man who also sound unhinged and psychotic! Poor child hasn't been protected and now he's displaying behaviour related to lack of protection and abuse you'd just send him away? My goodness!

@boppingbooper

Yes it is awful to suggest the eldest go live with the father but OP has a baby to protect now, she has to think about that baby’s wellbeing and if one of her children is making her feel like that baby is being put in danger then she is very much in the right if she wants him out the house.

At 14 my ds was going off the rails. He chose to stop seeing me regularly for fear of discipline - stayed away about a year. Long enough to see his df for what he was. Abusive towards me in the past. Also to him although ds hadn't seen it in real terms as was so young. He moved full time with me and went nc with his df. He had been dabbling with drugs and no way would I have had him with me then due to younger siblings. Sometimes you have to make choices you would prefer not to.

Look you need to get a lawyer. You say you can’t afford it. You can’t afford not to. Your boys and your unborn baby are at risk.

Some lawyers may help you access legal aid. My local branch of women’s aid has a free legal clinic. I have a paid for lawyer. Can I afford her? Not really? Do I have a choice. No.

One appointment might be enough.

I have literally had chills reading this thread. He is a monster, no doubt about that. And your eldest is just a victim in this. He has damaged that poor boy for a lifetime.

OP I wish I could help you. I really feel for you. I think you need to take out a loan if you have to but get a new solicitor. Both you and your dp are at risk- he had entered your property and as your due date nears it will ramp up his insanity.

You sound very worn down and I dont blame you. Start with a solicitor. Then the school. Make them aware of what's going on. Can you change psychologists - someone new will spot what's going on.

You need a fresh start with reporting him. Can you place a few cameras around your property? You will have evidence of him abusing you. He sounds evil! I will pray for you. What a sad situation

Yes it is awful to suggest the eldest go live with the father but OP has a baby to protect now, she has to think about that baby’s wellbeing and if one of her children is making her feel like that baby is being put in danger then she is very much in the right if she wants him out the house.

So now she has another child on the way it's okay to abandon the one she failed to protect to an abusive man? Awful!
Just because she has another baby doesn't mean she gets to opt out of parenting the older one. I have older dc, I understand having to make hard choices based on their behaviour but that does not ever mean getting rid of them because you can't be bothered. What kind of mother (or parent) does that?

@Boppingbooper I have reported in terms of how my boys are being affected and the damage he's doing to them. But they still say nothing they can do. True for police, SS, Cafcass and many dv support organisations.

I've been to court about six times (he's taken me for various reasons ranging from secondary school choice to him trying for extra custody. I've had to fork out for representation every time. It's cost around £25-30k alone so far in legal fees and this isn't sustainable. I can't keep asking for parents to help me out here.

Every time I have said to the sols about the abuse but everyone they have discounted it as it's his word against mine so can't be "proved beyond reasonable doubt".

Why should I lose my boy forever because of ex's narcissism? As others have said, ex is simply a control freak. He has never wanted the boys but knew 50:50 would hurt me the most financially and emotionally. He was indeed correct and was allowed to get what he wanted.

This is just awful and I am so sorry you are going through this.
The two boys are in survival mode because they have to spend 50% of their time with a dominator. They are pleasing their father because the consequences of going against him are too scary.

If you send your son to live with his abusive father you will be dooming him to living with the dominator full time, which doesn’t bear thinking about.

They really need to get away from him.

When did you last speak to social services? Was it since your son talked about killing ?

You have had crap legal advice and I know it’s crap because it is not what my solicitor told me.

You do have proof. His text messages ( if you can get copies of the text conversation with your son when he was taking pictures of the baby thing then all the better).

This would be evidence of harassment and could qualify you for an injunction.

www.ncdv.org.uk

This organisation help you get injuctions for free. Even if the police don’t have enough evidence to prosecute. Give them a phone.

If you have a DV injunction you can get legal aid.

@RainMinusBow You are not alone. Your experience of Family Court mirrors a lot of other mothers experiences. Please join us at #thecourtsaid or Mothers Unite.

@Siablue A referral was made about three weeks' ago and yes, it included the bit about comments re killing the baby. I have been told it doesn't meet the threshold and that there are children having to suffer a lot worse. Another referral has since been made following the verbal abuse at our property. I have again been told it doesn't meet threshold.

Ex didn't say via message about taking photos of the baby things unfortunately - my eldest fed this back to me verbally. All I have is photos of all the baby things eldest has took photos of.

I do have evidence of messages like some I'll add below but police didn't even want to see them as it's a "non-crime".

Just some of them from yesterday:

I am sure you have bought plenty of things for the baby and will keep feeding that shopping addiction, counselling might come in handy as you can't afford it any more.

If you call being with a desperate loser loved then you are even more deluded than I thought. You have never loved anyone other than yourself and are totally selfish. Glad you found someone at your desperate level to make you happy I wish you all the best and look forward to hearing about the shotgun marriage!

@Shockers My ex is not capable of loving anyone sadly. He sees all women as subservient and becomes very angry if they do not obey him.

This perhaps suits his current gf as she doesn't have to work and he buys her cars and gifts.

But I'm sure when she matures she will perhaps want more out of life than that.

Have you spoken to any local DV charities, rather than helplines? My local one offers free sessions with a solicitor.

Yes, two in our local area. They were great at listening but the only advice they could give me is to perhaps see a solicitor.

That is an absolutely shocking response from both Social Services and the police.

However you do have the messages and they could help you get an injunction on grounds of harassment. That is just 2 from yesterday. I am sure he has sent you a lot worse. Do give the DV injunction people a call.

I do have experience with useless police officers. I would suggest that you complain about the offover refusing to look at the messages but I don’t think that would help you st the moment.

I am really sorry for everything you are going through. You are fighting back.

I know this won't be much help right now, but if you can try and see that there is light at the end of this horrendous tunnel. You will not be controlled and abused by this man forever. There will come a time in the not too distant future when you will be rid of him completely. Hang on to that thought.

In the meantime I do not think you should put yourself through the trauma or of a late termination. That won't solve anything.

I think you need to have minimal contact as others have suggested. Email only.

Could you voice record your son when he starts with threats of violence so that you have some evidence, ideally if he makes reference to his Dad too? Not sure if that is allowed but worth considering?

I completely agree with pps that you need to be putting your DC's abuse ahead of any abuse that is upsetting you.

You are bringing a third child into an equation where you are already not protecting the first two, and already this new child is under threat. Never mind that your partner 'wants his chance at fatherhood' or whatever, you need to act to protect your children not him.

This has to stop. You need to get it together and contact Social Services because your children are being abused. You need to put your job at risk, put your relationship at risk, put your finances at risk AND PUT YOUR CHILDREN FIRST.

You need to find your inner tiger. Your DC have NO-ONE ELSE to protect them. If you cannot do it, then ask Social Services to do so.

If it were me I would be sending my very large intimidating cousins around for a wee “visit” of the ex husband.
I wouldn’t be putting up with that crap from him or your son.
My advice is clearly not helpful but bugger that!

@Haffiana As I've mentioned already, two referrals have been made to SS but I've been told they don't meet the threshold.

Maybe I should terminate if people already think I'm a shit mother to my current two because of my abusive ex.

Sorry. I'm just getting a bit fed up with people telling me to do X, Y and Z when for a decade or more I've literally tried everything. Trust me, unless it's physical abuse nobody will do anything. The courts should never have gone 50:50 but they did - as a result we all suffer. They believed his lies and fell for his portrayal of a good dad. Reality was he was doing all of this to punish me.

I stopped being a "real" mum the day that decision was made. I will never get that time back.

People don’t think you’re a shit mother.
Your ex is scared that you’ll all bond and they will love the child. Which they probably will.
So talk about it a lot. Reassure them (I’m sure you do)
Report everything.
Every time he threatens you call 999
Get cctv
Contact a solicitor. Even if you can’t afford it.

i really feel for you, you sound so defeated by all of this (with good reason).
You really can’t let your ex control your lives, This baby was wanted until your ex ramped up the abuse, you cannot allow him to fuck with your head so much you are considering termination. This will not last forever, please document absolutely everything he does and says. If you can, please practice stonewalling him, take away his power because right now you are handing control over your life to a twat you’re not even with! I wouldn’t want to send my son to live with a dad like that either.

Thanks. Not sure when my next mw appt is (I've been referred to the home birth team) but will discuss all of my options when they come out.

I'm trying to avoid bonding with the baby in case something should happen.

I am a Deputy Head and DSL. If you came to me at my school the first thing I would ensure is you are OK, so I would insist you didn’t come in if you hadn’t slept etc....

Then I would be referring your family to social services, under the guise of the unborn child. I would be being persistent and ringing the MASH every day until they did something. What area do you live in? It would be helpful to read the guidance for that area to see if I could suggest the right wording for SS, as it is often that that makes the difference.

I would advise you to be asking to speak to a specialist police officer involved in child protection cases, not a bog standard Bobby on the beat.

Take this from Surrey, where I live...
surreyscb.procedures.org.uk/hkphp/procedures-for-specific-circumstances/domestic-abuse

Three ‘minor’ incidents mean an automatic assessment has to be carried out.

Maybe I should terminate if people already think I'm a shit mother to my current two because of my abusive ex.

I don't know how you can say this, OP. Terminate your child because some randoms on the internet tell you what they think? I know you don't mean it, but ffs.

What do you want? What will change in your life if everyone tells you how brave you are, how awful your ex is and agrees with you that you have tried everything. Your 'fab family' includes two desperately unhappy abused little boys. You need to man up about that.

You came here for help. We are SO willing to support you, but it is you that has to make the changes.

I am a mother and I would DIE to ensure that my children are safe. I would find the money for a solicitor - no matter what, I would do it. Even if I had to take on debt or embarrass myself by asking my parents yet again - I would do it.

There has to be a way you can protect your children including the one who isn't even born yet. Get on the phone to Social Services for the third time and keep going for a fourth, fifth - whatever it takes.