To terminate/put up for adoption because of abusive ex-husband

[RainMinusBow]

Currently 18 weeks' pregnant (much wanted) with fiancé but abusive ex making my life hell. He has 50:50 of our two boys (court enforced) despite years of abuse and coercive control. It still continues and has got a lot worse since he's found out I'm pregnant. Has told our children that the baby is going to be "born a retard" (because of my age) and that boys should just hope and wish that the baby dies. The boys come home "pretending" to stab me and thump me in the stomach.

Ex called today (via son) calling me a pervert and a psycho because I am pregnant.

The abuse never stops.

Nobody helps me.

The only way I can realistically minimise the abuse is to let this baby go. I know it would break my fiancé (his only chance at fatherhood and I'm 39 now) but I can't live like this.

@Haffiana There's no fight left in me any more. I'm beaten. I can't get through an night without horrendous flashbacks and I live in constant fear. My face hurts so much with jaw ache and I just want to sleep now.

Thank you everybody for your advice and caring in what really is an impossible situation xx

A friend went through similar......... she had to use an email for contact/ making arrangements, which she got a family member to read and deal with. Anything remotely abusive was forwarded to a solicitor, and not responded to. Handovers by a 3rd party (same family member), and on neutral ground. And very strong rules in place that the DC never repeat anything he says in your home........ what he thinks and says has no place in any of your lives. He soon got bored when he realised that he wasn't reducing her to a trembling wreck and moved on, and the 50/50 custody he'd fought tooth and nail for went the same way too..........

In the kindest way, you're being way too passive here and he's walking all over you. Someone needs to be protecting your DC and right now, it isn't you.

@Junie70 I agree. The courts failed my boys and now I have too. I blame myself for marrying such a bastard - ultimately all of this is all my fault.

I think it's best for everyone if I leave their lives and then all of this will go away for them. It's too late for me but that's OK, this is about what's best for my children.

Not sure what to do about the baby yet but again perhaps it's better off without me and all of this rubbish going on it's life - it doesn't deserve it. Nobody does.

Your boys will absolutely not better off without you, how can you really believe that????
You functioned well enough to survive and form another loving relationship and get pregnant

There are two little lives already here and one that you wanted growing inside of you right now.
I am not a pro lifer but I am a mother and I left my three children’s father when I was expecting my third child. I chose my unborn baby above abuse. If I had been expecting another man’s child who loved and cared for me it would have been no different. He was my unborn baby. My son.

Your children need you
You deserve happiness and so do they
If you give up they will never have the love and stability and hope you can give them.

Don’t let yourself down or them

Don’t let him win

Keep going.
Have your baby
Show him he cannot destroy things because you will not let him.

If you children sense your resignation and weakness what have they to look to?????

If you can walk away from them then and leave them in his hands perhaps it’s best not to have another child because life is hard. Your job as a mother is to be the constant source of love. Men are not the same.

Please stay strong and keep going. The alternative is not worth considering

It’s not too late for you @RainMinusBow You have shown amazing strength leaving this man in the first place- that was such an act of courage for your boys. Mumsnet is full of women who haven’t managed to do that yet. I haven’t caught up on your latest posts, but I wanted to let you know you are not alone x

If you disappear from their loves, your ex has won. I understand you have had to fight for the last god knows how many years, but now is not the time to stop. You HAVE to continue. You have another on the way to think about too. They need a mother.

Document everything. Go to the police. Tell them about every single text. Same with social services. Liaise with the school nurse about what your eldest said.

You have to find the strength to sort this out.

Op I have been in your shoes. Less than 7 stone, ptsd, zero friends or family for support - all friends took exh side despite knowing he raped me and mentally abused me. 4 years of court and dozens of hearings. I once slept in my car with baby dc's imagining us all freezing to death and being out of the living hell I was in.
Knowing I was right about exh kept me going. And the love I shared with the dc.
You really can rebuild things with dc when he is old enough to grasp the truth. You really can restart your life. And live again not just exist. Have a huge hug op.
Try and get some sleep. You are a good person and a good dm. Trust a bit more in yourself op. We are very much all behind you in this.

OP I've only just skimmed this thread so if this has been said before, please forgive.

You need legal advice ASAP. You can get free legal advice from Rights of Women www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/ They will be able to advise you on how to go about getting Legal Aid if you qualify and what to do in the first instance regarding your ex.

In the meantime, please get together and print out, where possible, all abusive messages. Divert his number to 'voice mail' only so you can record his calls. Do not answer the phone to him. Print out emails. Get together all court documents, social work letters etc etc including the 9 page document you wrote.

If you aren't already, start a log of his behaviour.

Get all the information and put it into a folder, in chronological order.

Here is information on Legal Aid including an eligibility checker: www.gov.uk/legal-aid/eligibility

Bright Sky is a downloadable Domestic Abuse app with a journal where you can log events. It has other information that you might find helpful and you can download it here: www.hestia.org/brightsky

There is an organisation called the Pro Bono Bar Unit that you need to be referred to. You can find out how to get a referral on their website: www.weareadvocate.org.uk/contact_us.html

Hi Op, I just wondered if you'd like to try giving these people a ring?

www.aurorand.org.uk/

Please try them; I've come across them through work and they seem like really empathetic, pragmatic people.

Please don't give up and let this monster if a man win. He is trying to remove any happiness you find in life. You can take back some control by removing his access to you by phone. Change your phone numbers and look at apps like the parenttalk app for communication. There is no need for you to receive the abusive texts you are receiving. Please remove his ability to do this asap. He's getting his twisted thoughts inside your head every time

Just had this via text:

I have had a letter from (secondary school) re 's instrumental tuition payment for terms 3&4 which is now due which you can pay on parent pay.

I've had enough. Wish I was dead.

Just be honest with school and tell them sadly you can't afford the fees.

Your boys need you, without you, they’d be with their father 100% of the time. Do you really believe that is what is best for them?
See your gp about these thoughts of dying, you can also self refer for mental health.

Somehow, you have to find the strength to carry on, if not for yourself then for your children.

You seem so ground down by all of this that you have no fight left but you HAVE to fight on. As pp have said, block his number, have an email set up that you only use for any contact with ex. Document EVERYTHING, if you can record conversations then do so, keep a diary and definitely contact the DA team at the police. I’m sorry if it’s already been answered but have your children had counselling? You say they are scared of their father, maybe through counselling they may open up a bit more about the effect it’s having on them.

With regards to his latest text, I would just send a message back saying “ok”, the more he knows how his abuse is affecting you, the more he’ll do it. Take back the power from him by not responding to his threats or intimidation.

Firstly you should not have to put up with this. I'm sorry your ex is making life hell but remember there is a reason he's your ex.

I'm afraid even if you abort the baby his abuse won't stop, he'll just move on to the next reason to attack you. That's the reality. Please, don't abort because of this lunatic.

Really you must acknowledge and admit to yourself that he will always be like this. He's a bully and obviously bitter and jealous of your life now.

You must cut off contact with him. Block him. Obviously there are matters to do with the kids but access arrangements can be made in advance. For any other matters that means he has to communicate with you then I suggest you get a third party to mediate between the two of you.

Keep a diary of all events including the behaviour your kids have towards you. Keep everything. It is possible then to go back to the court and get a order to stop him.

Just because he's the father of your kids does not give him any right to do this to you.

I just wish I could be your intermediary - I love sticking it to the bullies.

Is it your turn to pay?
Regardless. You need to have a separate phone for him. You look at it once a day or less if possible.
Because this intermittent abuse is incredibly hard to deal with so that you can control how he affects you. In all reality you should be talking to him once a week preferably via email.
But in any case. A phone just for him is a good start

Sending you strength.

Block him.

Report him.

Stop any direct contact.

Go back to the courts and arrange supervised contact, if they still award access after all this.

What is it that you want?

Lots of constructive advice from everyone, but what are your next steps RainMinusBow?

Agree with the above. You need to block him on your phone. Give him a new email address, and get someone else to check it for you.

Let you boys live with your ex full time. Move and enjoy your new family.

Would you honestly feel any better by giving up as you say a much wanted child.

You can't just think about here and now but how you and your unborn child will feel after you have given them up.

And would your finance even stick around after? It's his child and his choice too

Dear OP please see your Gp ASAP. Your mental health is being attacked by this constant barrage from your ex psycho husband.

You can not function effective with this much stress. You said earlier that meds had been discussed but you weren’t keen. I kindly suggest that you need all the help you can get at the moment.

Please try the link up thread for free advice from a solicitor.

How supportive is your DF being? Is he aware of how low you are feeling?

And finally re tonights message if it is truly 50:50 then he needs to pay half for the music lessons too.

Just adding some support here. Ignore all texts. He is doing it deliberately. You do not have to engage with him at all.

Please make an appointment to see your GP and talk about how you are feeling. There has been some good advice on this thread about steps you can take like only.communicating via email and not allowing the children to discuss what he tells them. I'm sorry, I've never been in your position but I have been depressed. I hope you feel stronger soon.

A few ideas for you sorry if all repeated

(1) urgent GP appt for advice and help and MH support . You are very vulnerable

(2) get yourself into a Freedom Programme . It’s really helps to discuss , even when it’s over . It makes you feel
Stronger and more assertive to stop this cxxt

It will also
Help you understand how badly he impacting your boys

(3) a diary . Sit down and write a time line and log every single incident , especially with the kids

(4) call the police and ask for their advice how to stop being hassled . I know it seems drastic but this is major abuse . You can get suppport but you have to ask for it

(5) consider the best way to completely prevent him contacting you other than basic texts . Get a Nokia and only use that

There are laws in place to prevent this . Start with GP and remember he has beaten you down . Get yourself mentally stronger

I won’t even comment in your pregnancy as it’s not my
Place

OP, how are you doing?