To terminate/put up for adoption because of abusive ex-husband

[RainMinusBow]

Currently 18 weeks' pregnant (much wanted) with fiancé but abusive ex making my life hell. He has 50:50 of our two boys (court enforced) despite years of abuse and coercive control. It still continues and has got a lot worse since he's found out I'm pregnant. Has told our children that the baby is going to be "born a retard" (because of my age) and that boys should just hope and wish that the baby dies. The boys come home "pretending" to stab me and thump me in the stomach.

Ex called today (via son) calling me a pervert and a psycho because I am pregnant.

The abuse never stops.

Nobody helps me.

The only way I can realistically minimise the abuse is to let this baby go. I know it would break my fiancé (his only chance at fatherhood and I'm 39 now) but I can't live like this.

Also keep a very detailed log, you need to build and maintain your case against him

You have let him get away with too much and this has emboldened him, he WILL be overplaying his hand

I simply cannot afford to put my job at risk. I'm also on temporary contract so reality is that anything raised against me will impact on Head's decision to keep me on, even of it is all false.

Also SS won't get involved. Neither will Cafcass. They ignored a nine pg doc detailing the abuse and stated it "Didn't make him a bad parent."

Ateotd it's my word against his and apparently he's doing nothing illegal. Police won't take it further unless - and I quote - he 'Smashes up my windows or something like that."

All the dv helplines say is to see a solicitor.

I don't know what else I can do?

My eldest has seen a psychologist for quite some time now. He just gave him some coping strategies but that was about it.

Ex abused me about that, saying his anxiety was because of me being pregnant etc.

This is affecting your MH, please speak to both your MW and GP. Most solicitors do an initial appointment free so use that for legal advice.

You write eloquently and I would be tempted to write everything down how you have here details everything and email all agencies, including police DV unit, GP and SS. Writing it down it is more likely to be poured over and you get to include everything that you may forget otherwise. Also, as you have here, include all the historic abuse and the affect it's having on you and your sons. Written down, it makes horrifying reading and hopefully it will have the same effect with agencies too.

You work in a school so you know the score and if the schools know what's happening at home they can support your DS's and you. Have school noticed a change in behaviour since your ex has ramped up the abuse and encouraging them to become involved?

Again with work, go and speak to your HT.

Block all the avenues via which your ex can abuse you, don't communicate with him in real time at all

I echo the advice on the thread. Your boys are suffering emotionally and behaviourally because of their father.

But I want you to imagine that in a year or two your ex meets someone he loves. She gets pregnant and gives birth. You terminated your pregnancy because of him. You potentially lose your fiancé as a result.

How will you feel about your ex and your boys?

There must be some DV charities that offer free legal advice or advice on solicitors who can help in some way. Volunteers etc?
Does anyone know of a charity that can specifically help with legal aspects?

Perhaps post on the legal board asking?

Threats of violence are taken seriously as well. So call 999 if you feel the threat of violence if he’s there in person. He doesn’t have to smash a window that’s not true.

OP.

Whatever you do with your life, your ex will kick off. So do what makes YOU happy.

Courts have changed since years ago.

Get CCTV, there’s cheap decent ones on Amazon.

Screenshot and keep several copies of every abusive message.

Deny him contact. Wait for him to take you back to court.

Your children will be interviewed. They are clearly showing signs of trauma.

Get them to a GP - especially the eldest one, that comment is particularly disturbing.

Stop dancing to his tune, stop letting him have things on his terms

As so many others have said, a termination won’t stop him and you’ll never forgive yourself. Keep fighting. This man is an abuser and he’s still abusing your sons. Good luck.

I really fear that your eldest is too far gone to reel his behaviour back in, the part where he was asking how to kill the baby without killing you is truly awful, you shouldn’t have to be scared of your own child. Whether he wants to or not, I wouldn’t give him the choice of where he lives, tell him he’s living with his dad now, end of.

Op, I've got a situation that has some similarities and I can completely empathise with the lack of support from various agencies and your feeling of hopelessness. I do wonder if some of the people who have commented have experience of SS etc. That said, you do need to keep plugging away. Try to find strength from somewhere.

I also understand what it's like having someone you love wishing hurt and harm on you, while loving and needing you at the same time. It's very very hard to behave in a loving way towards my DS. All I can do is tough love and looking after his needs. There's not much affection there, which makes both of us sad.

OP put some cameras up around your home that are visible
Keep every txt message he sends you
Dont get rid of your baby - that will get him what he wants and youll be his forever.

This isnt because of you, its because he is an absolute freak

I also wouldn't let your eldest near the baby, he needs to live with his dad unless his behavior dramatically changes

My ex is like this. I report him. Every single time. Any incident, I call the police and make a statement. Mostly they can't do anything but it's a paper trail so I can take out a non molestation order and have loads of evidence to back it up.

@BlouseAndSkirt gives good advice on getting your kids in line. I'd be horrified if my kids came out with that stuff and I would show them how horrified I was. I would let them see just how shocking and unacceptable it is to think and behave like this. I'd tell my kids straight up calmly that their father is a liar. When my kids repeat stuff their Dad says I laugh and say "oh he's a right chump isn't he!" and move the convo on. When he really used to kick off I would tell them matter of factly I don't like him and he doesn't like me but we both love them and we don't have to be friends to do that. You have to get your kids in line. No more apologising or feeling guilty about bedrooms. Such bullshit!

He's done a real number on you because it sounds like you half believe the stuff he says. I get it I do. I was sucked in for years. You have to ignore every single thing he says. It's the only way. You must dismiss every single thing he says. Laugh at anything your kids tell you and totally dismiss it.

I've had ten years of this. And grey rock and telling my kids age appropriate truth about their Dad is the only thing that worked.

This is awful to read. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

How much does it cost to see a solicitor? If this is what all the agencies are advising you to do, then it sounds like the only option. Wouldn't normally suggest this but given the stakes are so high could you take out a bank loan or use a credit card? Can a relative loan you the money?

I agree with Boppingbooper. OP, this man is abusing your children. I understand you are worried about your job, but you can't let that come above their well-being. You just can't. One day they will be adults, have a think about what sort of adults they will become if they continue to be exposed to someone who encourages them to harm a baby.

There must be some DV charities that offer free legal advice or advice on solicitors who can help in some way. Volunteers etc?
Does anyone know of a charity that can specifically help with legal aspects?

The OP has been given advice about how to get help, including links to organisations. I'd guess she's so cowed by this hideous individual she feels powerless to do anything.

I know this may seem harsh but can the police talk to your eldest re his 'jokes' about killing the baby? That's incredibly serious.
Also suggest CCTV, can get them from £25 on amazon and they connect to your phone. You can then save clips of the kids calls with their dad/any comments they make

Come on, love, you can do this. You have strength. A lot of it. Just because he beats you down doesn't mean you aren't strong. You are.

Some of the PPs have very little idea of what it's like in an abusive relationships. Don't feel bad about yourself - get practical instead. Talk to your Fiancé. Get support from him. He must be delighted about the baby.

Listen to wendymoira and remember, you -can- do this lovey. You need to save your first two babies - they are in real danger - and you need to save your third, too. You can.

Some of the PPs have very little idea of what it's like in an abusive relationships. Don't feel bad about yourself - get practical instead. Talk to your Fiancé. Get support from him. He must be delighted about the baby.

But many PPs do, including me. I realise you are trying to be helpful but comments like this don't help. I do understand what the OP is going through - I have a very similar t-shirt. It's easy to get trapped in the mindset you develop during an abusive relationship, to feel powerless and that any attempt to change things is futile, and the suggestion that other people don't understand is reinforcing this. People do understand and are looking in from the outside with the knowledge that there are measures the OP can take, she isn't powerless, no matter how much this creature wishes she was.

Like many women I had to act to prevent my children being damaged by their father, it wasn't easy, in fact it was worse than the marriage, but it had to be done. They're now adults, well aware of what their father is like, and they thank me.

What he's doing to your kids would be considered to be parental alienation.
Is there a way to make an official complaint about CAFCASS (I'm not in the UK so i'm not sure what way it works).

Ask them for answers as to why they're not taking parental alientation seriously in this case.
www.theguardian.com/society/2017/nov/17/parental-alienation-divorce-custody-crackdown-cafcass

Some info here about making recordings too.
www.se-law.co.uk/legal-blog/gemma-davison-blog/2017/11/29/covert-recording-of-parents-and-children-in-family-cases