To terminate/put up for adoption because of abusive ex-husband

[RainMinusBow]

Currently 18 weeks' pregnant (much wanted) with fiancé but abusive ex making my life hell. He has 50:50 of our two boys (court enforced) despite years of abuse and coercive control. It still continues and has got a lot worse since he's found out I'm pregnant. Has told our children that the baby is going to be "born a retard" (because of my age) and that boys should just hope and wish that the baby dies. The boys come home "pretending" to stab me and thump me in the stomach.

Ex called today (via son) calling me a pervert and a psycho because I am pregnant.

The abuse never stops.

Nobody helps me.

The only way I can realistically minimise the abuse is to let this baby go. I know it would break my fiancé (his only chance at fatherhood and I'm 39 now) but I can't live like this.

I feel so sorry for you. But you need to plough on and embrace this new baby. Don't let him kill your baby. Keep yourself safe.

First of all, you have your health visitor. Talk to her explain everything. You are pregnant and im sure you can record the conversation there is an app like that. You will have proof of him to being controlling and verbally abusive to you.
Secondly, contact the social services immediately.
Im in horrible situation and both organisations are amazing with help.
3rd, what your ex is doing to your children poisonings their mind is against the law. We talked about it exactly today with my health visitor.
You are pregnant, vulnerable so many ways.
There is no way police cannot do anything, tell them you are scared for your life and your babies life. It will change the whole situation massively. Tell them you might loose the baby if this abuse will continue.

Please read this and take action now before is to late and he hurt you and the children.

@Brig93 I know dv is now listed like this and except physical/sexual abuse I can pretty much tick every box.

But time and time again I'm told what he's doing is a non-crime and so the only thing I can do is log things for evidence.

He's an incredibly clever and manipulative man and so knows fully what he can (and can't) get away with.

It's so sad that we're 2020 but he's allowed to continue this abuse and hurt me and my family so much.

I've been told to see a solicitor by lots of these organisations but we simply don't have the funds to proceed.

If he’s texting abuse getting your children to hit you isn’t this also harassment/stalking?

How are the children at school ? Can you get them to have a CAF meeting ? This issue of grooming your children to be racist and violence needs tackling by professionals

I do think his bullying of you is a police matter
If you feel they are minimising their concerns write a complaint police etc don’t like complaints and it might focus their minds to do something

So sorry this is happening to you but I don’t think you should get rid of the baby just because your ex is bothering you,,
If you do you ll be doing exactly what he wants.
It’s not the babies fault, you would have known the possibility of getting pregnant with fiancé of you were having sex so if the baby isn’t wanted then why kill him/her because your ex is mad?

@Meganc559 It's not that simple. The baby was planned and much-wanted but the abuse from my ex-husband has escalated as a result of the pregnancy.

The kids won't speak out as they're too afraid of their dad to tell the truth. They know better than to go against what he wants
So you teach them he's wrong! You show them that they have to go against him because someone telling a child to try and kill a baby is wrong. You model the behaviour of going against every awful thing he does. You stop feeling awkward and worried about your professional reputation and do the bloody right thing and protect you children! Honestly op what he's doing is awful but you sound like you care more about how you appear at work that you do about protecting your dc. It's sad! Your poor children are growing up thinking trying to kill a baby is acceptable because their dad told them to and their mother is too busy worrying about her reputation to actually call social services to get help and protect them.

Seriously why are you calling social services?? With a big list of everything he's said to them and the emotional abuse he's putting them through. Why are you seeking the help for them. If you can't be bothered to fight for the help for the way he's abusing you that's your choice but your dc don't have a choice to fight for themselves. You have to do it. For goodness sake do something to stop his behaviour and damage to your children and stop making excuses about how awkward you'll feel or how pointless it is because you tried in the past. Keep trying until your dc are safe from him

Can you message me where you are ? I know an organisation that may be able to help x

If there are court orders, abide by them.

Block his number. Give him an email for contact about the children.

I would not have an abortion at 18 weeks. For anything. Let alone for an abusive ex. You need to document the things he says and does and apply to change the court orders based on the damage he's inflicting on your children.

There needs to be consequences for your children spouting off racist and homophobic comments. Severe ones.

I get its not easy but you can't plan for a baby, get pregnant and then decide you might terminate just because your ex isn't happy with it,, you must have known he would react badly if he has been bad in the past.

I think your now partner needs to stand up and tell ex to back off, the baby doesn't deserve to die just because your ex is angry

Whatever you do do not terminate your longed for baby.
I would gather all the evidence and apply for an non molestation or restraining order and approach the police to complain of his evidenced harassment.
I would also engage with school and children’s services to have some support and advice around the behaviour he is encouraging in your children. They might take things one step further in your behalf and courts listen to what they say.

Do you want him to have less contact? I would. In fact I would use this as a basis to limit his contact since their behaviour is deteriorating and directly caused by his appalling abuse of you. You have to protect them as well as yourself.

I am very sorry you are going through this.
I know from my own personal experience that men like this will never want to be happy again. The trick is to not to let them see that incrementally your are building yourself a new life and that your lack of emotion towards them is also disconcerting.

Don’t let him steal anymore do your life or happiness and do not forsake your unborn baby for such a poisonous nonentity

Never want YOU to be happy again
Obviously it’s all about their own happiness

@Boppingbooper Not at all. But he has in the past made false allegations which have had to have been investigated by authorities (quite rightly) and obviously work had to know about these. Although they were all proved unsubstantiated it obviously put me "under suspicion" initially which was extremely difficult as a teacher. I don't want to be dragged through the mud again or worse depending on what he retaliates with.

We rely heavily on my income as although it's not huge, my fiancé only earns just a little more than me on around £1,400 pm.

It's bad enough suffering abuse in my personal life and I don't want this impacting on my work again.

There have been two SS referrals made but it doesn't meet the threshold for help apparently.

Have you spoken with the DV team at the Police station? - they may be better at dealing with cases like yours

Giving up your baby won’t change his behaviour. He will just find something else to pick on.

Have you contacted Rights of Women? They make be able to offer some legal advice
rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law/

Your ex is definitely a psychopath or malign narcissist, the work of HG Tudor can be quite helpful when it comes to gaining insights on these types
ultimately has said it comes down to taking their power away from them ...complete no contact

Not sure what I have posted so far op but my ex made my life hell for 4 years. During a pregnancy to a new dh also. Turned up at my wedding after party to collect dc early, telling dc my ds had medical issues as I wa evil etc. I became anorexic at one point with ptsd symptoms. No was was he controlling my future though.
At 12 +14 our dc went nc with him and my life is amazing now I have nc with exh.
Hang bloody in there op.

. I don't want to be dragged through the mud again or worse depending on what he retaliates with.

Then you are letting your boys down. I would happily be dragged through the mud to ensure I kept my dc safe from a psychotic person who has told them to kill their unborn sibling. Your worry about getting dragged through the mud is not OK. The things you say he is teaching your boys to think are shocking and you already don't like your eldest. Can you imagine how others feel about your children when they behave the same way as your ex and the horrible things they say. People will not like them and they will be messed up adults who will rightly be angry with the adult responsible for protecting them (you). What he is putting you through is horrific but not protecting your dc is so sad. If how you've written things in this tread is actually how your ex behaves, texts you and talks to the children them I'm absolutely amazed that you are willing to not fight because you are worried about your reputation. You keep saying how much trouble he caused with false accusations as if that is an OK reason for you to let him keep damaging your children. It's not about you and the new baby it's about THEM.

Seriously I cannot for the life of me understand how any parent can hear their child plan to KILL their unborn sibling and not do absolutely everything in their power to keep the monster who told them to do it away.
He suggested to an impressionable child to try and kill an unborn baby! That is beyond rational thought and I would not allow that man anywhere near my child. Every single penny I had would go towards getting him out of our lives. One day your child may harm someone because his father has told him to. Just imagine your dc tires to or actually succeeds nd kills the baby when the baby is born. How on earth will you and your child live with that! Call social services and tell them you feel your children and being coercived into killing your unborn child. Surely you can find a way to get someone to listen and help.

@Bopping I agree
@RainMinusBow you cannot just accept that this is the way your two children will themselves be abused this way. As their mother you have to fight.

A child psychiatrist would be a good start. Find the money yourself if you have to.

Pretty sure you can break the court order under these circumstances and request to return to court.

He is ABUSING your children. This kind of parental alienation is abuse and the court will see that. You have his texts and emails as proof. And you can have the boys interviewed, if they parrot his guff about you and the baby you will have him nailed.

Pre empt any false allegations at work, speak to your boss. Explain that you are rocking the boat and he will make allegations.

He doesn’t have anywhere near the power over you that you think he does, honestly.

This sounds so horrendous for you. The only thing I can echo is that there are a lot of charities out there that might be able to offer more structured help, rather than just a helpline.
And call 999 every single time he threatens you