To terminate/put up for adoption because of abusive ex-husband

[RainMinusBow]

Currently 18 weeks' pregnant (much wanted) with fiancé but abusive ex making my life hell. He has 50:50 of our two boys (court enforced) despite years of abuse and coercive control. It still continues and has got a lot worse since he's found out I'm pregnant. Has told our children that the baby is going to be "born a retard" (because of my age) and that boys should just hope and wish that the baby dies. The boys come home "pretending" to stab me and thump me in the stomach.

Ex called today (via son) calling me a pervert and a psycho because I am pregnant.

The abuse never stops.

Nobody helps me.

The only way I can realistically minimise the abuse is to let this baby go. I know it would break my fiancé (his only chance at fatherhood and I'm 39 now) but I can't live like this.

@midsummabreak Yes, and I have reported on numerous occasions what eldest has been saying about the baby. I've explained I feel scared in my own home and now frightened to go out. I feel my ex is watching me periodically as he has done in the past.
It was passed to a sargeant who says it "Doesn't meet the threshold" and that it's a civil and not a legal matter.
When he advised to call solicitor I informed him that it cost me £4k just to get the Court Order enforced (which ex still continues to breach every two weeks).
I said that I thought coercive control was supposed to be a crime and he agreed it was but again just repeated that it was a civil matter.

They sound useless!! I went for a midwife appointment today and was reading the 'does your partner or ex do any of the following...' posters on the wall, with a list of exactly what you're describing, and going on to say that it's abuse and the number for the region's DV help centre. I thought of you and it made me so cross that you're going through this and the police aren't taking it seriously enough. Can you escalate it / complain? I'm so sorry, it must be so demoralising for you. Don't give up - you're doing so, so well

this is utterly exhausting... to read..

Sorry Rain Is it possible to make an appointment with a counsellor or psychologist or a access same DV support service that you saw all those years ago when you had to flee with children from the family home?

Xh constant grooming of Ds to do as he says, and subsequent abuse by proxy via your Ds should not go unheard

Also what * @Gutterton* says, that you can not underestimate how crucual your positive influence is, on supporting your Ds through the growing up years. Thank goodness they have one nurturing parent where they are safe from grooming and manipulating

Update...heard from my solicitor and First Court Hearing listed for Thursday. Cafcass haven't even completed any checks or spoken to kids/myself. So basically the hearing will be a total waste of time and money.
We will be renting this three-bed one bathroom place for years and years to come as legal fees are taking away any deposit I would have used to buy a suitable property. So we can add to the mix further financial abuse whilst ex has a lovely time in the former five-bed exec family home.

I'm not even bother going to bed tonight - sleep has been impossible now for weeks on end.

@midsummabreak I've had intensive counselling in the past but it doesn't really help as ex still allowed to abuse and nothing/nobody will stop him from doing so.

are you attending the Hearing via Video Link ?

I was offered no dv support whatsoever when I left family home and ex took my son. Police said he had every right to as he had PR. He changed the locks to the home within hours of me leaving so I couldn't even get any posessions. My parents had to buy clothes for the boys and myself and a church charity donated toys.

@BumbleBeee69 Solicitor has got to consider whether to represent on my behalf or for me to also attend. It will all be done remotely. I am absolutely terrified because I know he will make all sorts of false and horrendous allegations and at 35 weeks' pregnant I am trying to look after baby-all of this stress is so detrimental. I know it will never end.

I'm assuming that the police will not get involved as there is no evidence of what you're saying your ex is doing. If he is able to give them or the courts a plausible explanation of what you're saying he does, then I can see it's not going to get you anywhere.
So, you need to make sure you collect evidence. For example, record the calls your DS has between him and his father or grandmother.
If sounds like the relationship between you and your DS is breaking down for whatever reason. He wants to live with his father. You have two choices, let him spend more time there, ensuring he still stays with you a couple of nights a week, or continue to fight. As difficult as it may be to accept, him living with his father may actually save your relationship with him. He won't think you've abandoned him, because you'll keep telling him how much you love him. In a few years he will be able to make his own decision anyway and if you've prevented him from going there he may well resent you for life.

@Soontobe60 If he stays with father more I will have lost him for life. Because he will be simply turned even more against me. He is with his father exactly 50/50 as it is so I do not prevent him from going there. Ex is continually breaching the Court Order that has been in place for six years.

He doesn't want to live with his father, he is saying what his father wants to hear.

Everything Xh has done shows he's a pure bastard. I hope you find you are heard and you can be fairly represented.

Hope you can feel supported knowing so many have been through similar , some here cheering for you on this thread.

Awful you having trouble sleeping on top of all Xh BS. Can you have a warm shower and soothing drink to help

@midsummabreak Everything is keeping me awake atm. OH recently had emergency spinal surgery on top of everything else - he's been diagnosed with very rare syndrome - and is on a cocktail of drugs which make him snore like a pig lol!! Then there's babba having a party too and jumping on my bladder, bless her. Now I've got the worry of court yet again on top of everything else. Insomnia is awful because it just makes everything seem so much worse.

Hope your OH is OK, but his Snoring will need to be sorted
-been there, got the t shirt!

So glad bubba is bouncing happily on your bladder!!! Sounds like she must be healthy then, and not long to go before you and your beautiful boys meet her! . Keep posting on MN , So many great people on this thread xo

@midsummabreak Thank you, I will do. Going to attempt snoozing on the sofa tonight as I think OH and I need some time apart. He's understandably ratty and down with the whole situation too, and the boys aren't even biologically his so it's hard for him to really understand. He's been snappy with me again today.
How on earth he's going to cope when baby is here I don't know. There is no respite.

Sorry, OP. I thought that I'd read earlier on that your DS wants to stay with his father and was refusing to come home. Do you mean he's only saying that because his father has forced him to?

If he does stay with his father, you really won't lose him. He will soon realise what an arse his father is. You have to believe this for your own sanity.

I imagine the fact that OH has been a natural at parenting your precious boys, even with verbally and emotionally abusive Xh in your faces via Xh constant calls to Ds , turning up at your home yelling, and grooming the Ds into abuse via proxy, will prove OH copes well.

@midsummabreak He does, but all of this isn't fair on him. It's not fair on us as a couple or as a family and my fear is things are going to be so much more complicated when baby arrives. A part of me wishes I wasn't pregnant, especially at such a challenging time.

I've got no suggestions, just wanted to say i do hope you will get some sleep. please do not allow this man to steal your precious sleep.

He is a sick, sad, twisted individual, when your boys are a bit older they can choose not to see him. And you won't need to see him ever again.

He is being so horrible and abusive and you are going to have a wonderful life with your new baby and your great man. I hope and pray your boys will come through this OK and will find their own way away from him.

Sad, nasty, domineering men turn into bitter, sad old men, and one day I hope you can finally feel he is out of your life. Do document all of his abusive ways so if you boys ever ask you things in the future you can tell them the truth about this man. He is making his disgusting bed and one day he will have to lie in it.

If the courts are forcing you to make your boys available to this monster, can they also provide some sort of counselling for them?

@Italiangreyhound Aw thank you. I'm trying to settle on the sofa but just can't get comfortable enough with my huge bump! Going to go and get a cup of decaf tea and maybe watch a bit of telly instead.

Have you got a DV worker near you? Look in your local charity directory, find the nearest one even if it’s miles away as they will be doing this online now anyway. This could be a small one off independent agency, anyone.

Sounds like you could do with an ongoing support worker - and some areas will have this. You just phone up yourself and have a chat.

Your midwife could also have a support person, not necessarily DV, that you can chat with.

Someone who will listen, follow your case, and at the very least be a sounding board but may even have some knowledge to help?

Crap horrible situation though OP. Unfortunately all I can offer is hold your nerve. Get through the bad days by survival and then on better days keep protecting your own life as much as you can. Get those boys as much anti bad behaviour support as you can and be as firm as you can. He won’t want them full time so you have more power than you think. Withhold privileges with the boys so that they get that you are not to be abused in any way. Be like a rock.

What you watching?

Last Tango in Halifax is pretty good (BBCiplayer).

And to get comfortable, cushions, lots of cushions. Get your dp to order something beautiful for you!

if you can handle bold!

I'm a bit of a cushion fan.

@Italiangreyhound I'm just trying to decide on something but my attention span is not great atm.

As much as I'd love to treat myself, we're having to be very careful with money because of the ridiculous legal fees we are yet again going to have to face. And of course I'll be on maternity leave shortly (from 38 weeks). Need to win the lottery!