To terminate/put up for adoption because of abusive ex-husband

[RainMinusBow]

Currently 18 weeks' pregnant (much wanted) with fiancé but abusive ex making my life hell. He has 50:50 of our two boys (court enforced) despite years of abuse and coercive control. It still continues and has got a lot worse since he's found out I'm pregnant. Has told our children that the baby is going to be "born a retard" (because of my age) and that boys should just hope and wish that the baby dies. The boys come home "pretending" to stab me and thump me in the stomach.

Ex called today (via son) calling me a pervert and a psycho because I am pregnant.

The abuse never stops.

Nobody helps me.

The only way I can realistically minimise the abuse is to let this baby go. I know it would break my fiancé (his only chance at fatherhood and I'm 39 now) but I can't live like this.

Hi all
Can't sleep as per usual!
I will certainly complain re police and thoe failure to recognise coercive control, but right now I feel like I need to pick my battles. Priority is to prepare for Cafcass/court/put together case for Parental Alienation so that ex doesn't get more custody. In an ideal world he'd get less of course, but I have little faith in the powers that be understanding the situation.
It often feels overwhelming at times. I'm almost 35 weeks' pregnant (and 39 so an older mum), working from home as I can't go into school (I'm a SEN specialist teacher), got a son who hates me right now, and of course suffering with the lockdown situation the same as everyone else.
I called eldest tonight and he was just vile towards me. I could hear my ex in the background stirring things up as per usual. Son said I was a terrible mum for calling the police "on him" and that he's not coming home. I asked for him to pass me onto youngest who wanted to speak to me but eldest kept on interrupting and stopping me from having a decent conversation. He was constantly argumentative and very rude. Really hurtful.
It is so hard not to dislike my son right now. I have fought so bloody hard for him and tried to give my all when it has been so very difficult . My own father (who is on the autistic spectrum) has even said he wants nothing to do with his grandson any more. I can sort of understand why.

Very worrying for you in this situation and so hard to be on recieving end of this nasty behaviour when 35 weeks pregnant.

First priority is you and your baby and two sons. That does not mean putting yourself up for any more silly or nasty comments fron oldest son.

I would Avoid any more phone calls or discussions with Ds especially when at Xh.

Take care of wverything you need to stay calm healthy and sane through this time, first and foremost.

I would get solicitor or partner to quickly submit your complaint either by phone call or online, briefly outling points

Then wait and see, as this will surely support your cafcass court case.

Leave it all to experts to sort out then, and avoid any discussions with oldest Ds except with one to one time playing games or fun things like making pizzas or pancakes.

Things WILL get better. Sending you solidarity , best wishes for you and baby & fiance, and Ds 1 & 2 for much calmer and happier times.

Remember that it's your ex speaking, not your son. If your oldest DS has the capacity to be lovely when at yours then he's clearly being like he is because his dad is around. He's probably scared of his dad's reaction if he's nice to you. I'd do what the PP says and avoid ringing him while he's at ex's (I think this is pretty normal anyway, not to call children when they're at the other parent's house) because it'll just upset you more. Gives him chance to miss you too.

F

Thanks all. The reason I call is its in the Order that the other parent calls between 6 and 7pm on a Wednesday. I stick to this but of course ex calls son and tells son to call him very frequently when he is in my care.
I'm just fed up with being spoken to by son like a piece of crap on the bottom of his shoe. I know ex encourages it which makes it even worse. I honestly don't know whether just to let son go - maybe the damage has gone too far to be mended?

Horrifying that your Xh has continually verbally abused you before you finally fleed with the children from the family home , and then after you left continued to constantly verbally abuse you and now is even verbally abusive about your unborn child in front of both children.

Not only has Ds witnessed so much anger and verbal abuse from Xh that it has become normal to Ds, but he is promised a large sum of money in trust fund if he joins and assists to dig dirt.

It is heartbreaking for you , however do not let this cloud your judgement that Ds is still a very young teen, still finding his own identity.

You are right that too much cumulative psychological damage has been allowed to take place to both your sons.

Yet it is in no way whatsoever too late , as Ds has been very much influenced also by your parenting which is in the best interests of the child , nurturing, and protective, not in best interests of parent and bondi g through taunting the other parent.

Ds is very slowly maturing into an adult and Xh will not be able to control him then.

Ds needs to break away from both parents as he matures. The older Ds is the more he will question both parents, not just you.

This is so unfair on you and your Ds and your whole family, please get lawyer to help submit complaint that police have not adequately investigated into the continual relentless coercive control which is inflicting psychological trauma onto both of your young Ds

Ds is harangued to act as a spy 24/7

Xh refuses to allow Ds to settle when at home with you.

I can’t imagine going through what you are going through. They are too young to really know the truth. Honestly I wouldn’t know what to do in this situation. It probably doesn’t help that your partner isn’t telling that pos to fuck off. Don’t ever chose that pos over your unborn child because that’s what you’ll be doing if you gave the child away. This child will be raised by two living parents and your ex will have zero influence over the baby.

I had a family friend who went through this.
After her relationship with her husband broke down he decided to up and leave one day and move in with her best friend! Obviously imagine her shock. He did the same trying to put things in their heads against their mother but her children came and told her everything. Are they at a little older they have chosen not to see him and when they do it’s in a controlled setting per the mothers conditions. When they are older and able to chose and see things for what they are they’ll do the right thing. Stay strong

No don't let son go, I don't believe he truly wants to stay with dad, he know he has to say he don't want to come home when he at dads and also he knows you will always bring him home, and yes the first couple days his home he can be hard work but you've also said how he does come round and show the loving side, he just sadly a very confused boy due to his father, never give up on him then you may lose him for good. As like above some one has said the more mature he becomes the more he will see things for himself and he will see that he always had a loving home with you and his siblings

You have done so brilliantly Rain - I see this latest incident as positive in some ways......because it has allowed you to identity another discreet opportunity when your X is abusing you through your DS.

You are actually starting to separate out all of the trauma and attacks and building defences and compartmentalising because you know what you are walking into - you know you can take him on battle by battle and that each battle is temporary and you have won each one. In the background you also have a master plan in operation where you will win the war because he is playing right into your hands. You will be heard and seen on parental alienation and coercive control. He is not above the law. He is in for a shock. Know that you have the power, but keep your powder dry and slowly collect your evidence.

To date you have:

A repeat process to call the police at 9:05 every Monday. Expect to have to do this each and every time. Calmly, swiftly, powerfully, confidently.

Another process where your DS comes home radicalised and traumatised to terrorise you. But YOU have turned him around (deprogrammed / desensitised) with love and attention in your calm and peaceful, kind and respectful home.

You can cut out the white noise of X on you by blocking or diverting emails texts. Your fiancé can filter and censor for abuse. Then these can be collated for your legal cases. Here you have stopped him hurting you and at the same time use this to demolish him in court.

This latest issue is another one to segment out to compartmentalise your emotions. So EXPECT your DS to be in this vile terrorising behaviour when you call on a Wed. Keep it short and sweet if you feel obligated to make the call. Record it for evidence.

It’s like fire-fighting. You can now put out all of the little ones because you know where they will pop up and you have methods to extinguish. You are not dealing with a raging forest fire anymore. This Wednesday call - was just a new small fire to extinguish that you hadn’t seen as separate before. Now you can put it out. One day soon you won’t have to deal with this alone for which you are under equipped for the long term and it is exhausting - because the county fire service will are coming with 6 lorries - that’s the law in my clumsy metaphor. You are getting ahead of him and he doesn’t know he will be extinguished.

You need help to do this - did you get support from your MW?

What restful, peaceful, distracting coping strategies help you get through the days? What nourishes, distracts and refreshes you?

You have all the power. You have love which your DS is responding to in his actions if not always in words at first. And once your baby girl is born your home will be bursting with joy and bundles of love that your DS will not be able to resist.

So you abort, and he wins. That's a pretty fucked up message to give your kids, and fiancé.
He sounds evil. So sorry you're having to put up with this. Are you keeping a record of the abusive messages?

@dieu She's 35 weeks pregnant, the option to abort is long gone. Maybe next time RTFT before commenting.

@Gutterton speaks a lot of sense. Record everything - if you can hear ex in the background, write down what he's saying. Write down when DS is calm and lovely when with you so that it's obvious what the difference is between homes. Don't give up on him - 12 is still very much a child and he probably doesn't know what to do because he's caught between his parents. As a former teacher I have seen countless kids in similar situations almost change personality once whatever the disruptive influence in their life is has been removed (just to be clear, this is your ex - I don't mean to say to let him live with his dad. We can always see past the charm to what's really going on and I bet there'll be teachers at your DS's school hoping that he ends up with you and not with your ex).

Oh and if ex is frequently calling, record that too - it'd be disruptive in the most amicable of separations if one parent is constantly encroaching on the other's time with the DC.

Totally @Fudgewhizz

When ds is allowed chance to relax back to being himself the difference is remarkable.
Is there some way of getting this formally documented?

I hope as he grows and matures you will find a bond with him that only grows tighter.

Somewhere up thread Rain said that her DS told he he DID NOT want to live with his DF full time. She also said the the DF did nothing with the boys when they were with him 50% of the time as he is working all the time. This is emotional neglect. Those boys will be feeling abandoned, lonely, ignored and scared of his anger as they are in the way when they are there. I doubt the 26 year old gamer GF is providing any emotional sustenance - more likely brooding resentment.

When they come home - they are starving for attention, love, lightness, joy, comfort, certainty, hugs, fun, joy - which Rain is feeding them back up on.

I have to be honest I'd give up the fight. Let your eldest stay if he wants to. That way your ex hasn't got any control as you've given your son what he wants. I know he's been heavily influenced by his dad but once he goes and lives there he will realise where he was most well off.

Also when or if it gets to court you could say that on balance despite wanting to ring the police to force your son to return home you didn't think that was in his best interests at that point in time. As covid is going on you thought he could stay with his dad as it wouldn't affect his schooling and routine and just took each day at a time.

If you let your son go now, as has been suggested, I think you could lose him forever. His father will terrorize him into believing that you don’t care about him and only care about the new baby, just as he has been saying all along. Don’t give your ex this ammunition to damage your son further. Wishing you strength.

If you give up on the eldest he will put all of his pressure on the youngest. Neither of them really want you to give up, no matter how nasty they can be. They are simply siding with the parent they feel is most likely to win, survival instincts.

When they realise that you are not going to give in, they will feel safer stepping towards you. I know that you are feeling drained, but you know that you will never give up on your babies.

You can do this. The police need to take this seriously, he is abusing your children.

Keep strong

Also when or if it gets to court you could say that on balance despite wanting to ring the police to force your son to return home you didn't think that was in his best interests at that point in time. As covid is going on you thought he could stay with his dad as it wouldn't affect his schooling and routine and just took each day at a time.

This is really bad advice.

It doesn't work like that. You can't just give an excuse. Where the child actually lives carries weight.

Also when or if it gets to court you could say that on balance despite wanting to ring the police to force your son to return home you didn't think that was in his best interests at that point in time. As covid is going on you thought he could stay with his dad as it wouldn't affect his schooling and routine and just took each day at a time.

Knowingly leaving her child with someone who is abusing them would never look good to the court. Ever.

They would either consider that the abuse claims were unfounded, as even she didn't persevere.

Or

They would consider her a neglectful parent for abandoning her child to him knowing that he is abusive.

OP please don't take that advice.

Spoke to the police again who simply say it is a civil matter and to talk to my solicitor.

I can't let my son stay with ex because it's not in his best interests, I know that. It's just so hard and always one thing after another. It feels a very lonely place for my family at times to be constantly having to fight battles.

You don't need to contact the police until you EH doesn't return your son. Your doing amazing your Ex wants to break you down so you end up giving in and letting one of your sons live with him well that's not going to happen

www.google.com/amp/s/www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2018/09/15/domestic-abuse-victims-turning-civil-courts-police-failing-enforce/amp/

They are wrong. Are there any dv support systems in your area?

When you called police , did you ask to speak to DV unit, and did you specify that your Xh is training kids to want to kill your baby?

If in writing, it will have to be investigated thoroughly, can you submit brief details in writing in your complaint

for you Rain
On the Negative side, extremely disappointing DV not investigated yet , on the positive side, you are not giving up, have logged another call, regarding the DV , more evidence that you are doing all you can to protect your boys and yourself from your Xh DV