To terminate/put up for adoption because of abusive ex-husband

[RainMinusBow]

Currently 18 weeks' pregnant (much wanted) with fiancé but abusive ex making my life hell. He has 50:50 of our two boys (court enforced) despite years of abuse and coercive control. It still continues and has got a lot worse since he's found out I'm pregnant. Has told our children that the baby is going to be "born a retard" (because of my age) and that boys should just hope and wish that the baby dies. The boys come home "pretending" to stab me and thump me in the stomach.

Ex called today (via son) calling me a pervert and a psycho because I am pregnant.

The abuse never stops.

Nobody helps me.

The only way I can realistically minimise the abuse is to let this baby go. I know it would break my fiancé (his only chance at fatherhood and I'm 39 now) but I can't live like this.

Not at all petty, is he?
You need to stick with the plan - the court order is 50/50 so you need to stick with your side of the commitment and collect both your boys when you’re supposed to.

When your son refuses to go with you (because he’s trying to appease his dad) you need to ring the police each and every time. By doing so you are showing DS1 that you want to be with him and that you love him. Do NOT give into your ex by letting DS1 stay there during your time with him.

Also, don’t get worked up the days before he’s due to stay with you. There’s really no need (ignore whatever crap ex throws at you because he is not the law) as the police are there to ensure the court order is adhered to. Ring them 1,000 times if you have to, that’s their job. Ex is the one make a nuisance of himself, Not you.

You call the police every single time and you need to because if you don't he will sure as shit use this to tell your son that you have given up and don't care about him anymore. You need to start to view this as the cat and mouse game that he sees it as and become a lot more stubborn and determined. Every time he breaks the court order you can and must call the police and do not respond to anything that he says - this will drive him crazy. Grey rock, grey rock, grey rock for the sake of your sanity and for how crazy it will drive him. The bottom line is that you don't have to play awful games and use emotional abuse to make the boys want to spend time with you and you need to become more angry at the absolute fucking awfulness of the way he is prepared to treat you and the way that he will abuse his sons to get to you. They have a far greater fundamental love for you than they do for him. Play the long game, get angry and don't let him have control over you. He has a bigger house and more money but so what???? He is a truly dreadful person and if he was actually happy he wouldn't need to treat you all like this. Materially, life is never fair - make your peace with this and find your inner fire for the sake of you, your boys, your dd and your dp. He is just so so awful and I know that fighting back is easier said than done but everything that has happened so far does suggest that your boys love you - you can do this and you need to if it is to ever end.

Don’t rise to the police report by your X. It’s good that he did it as it is another thing you can add to your log of both harassment and parental alienation (your DS must have been tricked into telling him). X can be accused of wasting police time as well as harassment of you and parental alienation.

He’s walking straight into it. Sit back and laugh.

With your DS don’t get involved all week. Don’t respond except to say. “The court expect the adults to follow their instructions”.

He is likely scared of his DF, of the police and the court. Just tell him that there is nothing for him to worry about.

Please send them off tomorrow with a big proud bright smile - YOU are winning this, YOU have done a great job and will continue to do so.

Please have a lovely rest this week. Pamper yourself as a reward.

All will be well. Keep calm and peaceful.

You are doing great.

YOU know (as does your Xh) that when your DD arrives it will be magical for your boys. Your DS doesn’t know this yet - no point pushing it right now with him - but he will be smitten - save that joy for him.

YES YES YES to calling the police immediately each and every time.

At 9:05 not 2pm.

Don’t worry about it for the next week just assume that is what will need to be done.

The more consistently you do it - the sooner this nonsense will stop because the police won’t stand for it from HIM.

You need to do this in these weeks (also logging / reporting the parental alienation stuff) and get ahead so that this is dealt with before your daughter arrives.

You really are a superstar.

Every time your ex doesn't bring your son home you call the police, maybe your son is telling you he won't be coming home as he feels he has to behave like this when around his dad and his knows you will always get him home by calling the police, which make it look better for your son with his dad, son is doing what dad wants and son know your get him home and he won't be to blame or have dad annoyed at him as the police bring him home which is out of his control. So when ex doesn't bring son you call the police every time

The police are your proof that he's not cinolyong with the court order. Every time you call them it goes against him, not you.

*complying with

You have to calm the police every single time he doesn't comply because the minute you don't you have given Ex the ammunition he needs to say to your son you don't care enough to get him home.
In your DS's eyes that is what he will see.
No matter how hard this is for you, you have to never stop showing you will always fight for him.

I can't sleep again. I know that my ex is going to claim I am putting the children at risk and "breaking the rules" because partner and kids said Hi to grandparents from their window whilst on their walk.

What makes me mad is that policeman asked to speak to me, said there had been a report that I'd gone out and seen grandparents, almost suggesting I'm putting my unborn baby at risk.

As I said I haven't been out at all today, but so what if I had? Surely pregnant women are still allowed their daily exercise the same as everyone else?

I feel like ex is now starting to suggest I'm even putting my unborn child at risk and that infuriates me. The baby has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with him, why can't he just leave me alone?

I know it sounds irrational, but I'm panicking that when baby is here my ex is going to try to get her taken away from me or suggest she is at risk in some way just to get further revenge. Is all of this police involvement suggesting an unsafe environment for my newborn daughter?

the thing is, the more evidence that you have by then, the less seriously he will be taken.

I know that it is uncomfortable for you, involving the police, but you are not the unreasonable one here.

He is causing the problems, they will see that.

I haven’t RTFT but have you sought the help of a solicitor? Is it possible to get an injunction out on him or get him looked at for malicious behaviour? Google solicitors in your area that deal with domestic family disputes. Maybe a legal letter to him stating he needs to cease and desist might be enough to curb his behaviour

OP i got legal aid last year in respect of coercive control, you need to keep a dated record of his actions.

Really a solicitor should be able to advise you on this, but will be reluctant as they receive less than they can charge privately.

www.gov.uk/legal-aid/domestic-abuse-or-violence

This is a detailed list of evidence types...

rightsofwomen.org.uk › ...PDF
Domestic violence gateway evidence - Rights of Women

@chickenyhead Thank you. Sadly I don't qualify for Legal Aid as I have savings put away from divorce so one day we can get out of rented - savings will act as deposit. Been privately renting for six years now but both my partner and myself on low wages despite working ft so can't yet get a mortgage.
So basically ex is draining away that money by taking me to court on many ocassions and forcing me to use my savings. This means we'll never now be able to buy. We're in a three-bed which is fine for now, but was hoping to move to slightly bigger and at least our own place to give us all more security. But ex is taking away that option now.

Especially because baby won't be a baby forever!

And I don't get any maintenance. He even has child benefit for one son so I don't get it.

Your baby is not going to be taken away from you, absolutely not. Don't let him make you paranoid - this is what he wants. You're doing so well. As other posters have said, the fact that you're having to call the police so often counts against him, not you, and it has nothing to do with how well you'll be able to look after your newborn. It shows that you care about your DSs.

The police investigated X report and found you innocent.

The more stunts he pulls like this the more nails in his coffin.

The police will know he is being malicious and harassing you. And this builds up your case for EA / CC.

I would have a simple blunt statement ready every time for every professional who is ever sent your way. “My XH has been running a malicious campaign of abuse and prenatal alienation against me for 6 years. This another of his stunts.”

The anxiety and self doubt triggered in you by his actions is where he manages to hurt you. This will keep eroding if you don’t do more to emotionally protect yourself and you will likely tip into a depression which none of you need right now.

However you can prevent this and you actively need to look at what coping mechanisms work for you to rid you of the spiralling anxieties and thoughts of him.

You need to actively build up your emotional state - if this is 20 mins of mediation in the morning and evening, crafting, comedy, yoga, reading, singing, connecting with friends and family etc - you need to stuff your life with self compassion and self care.

Can you keep a journal of what you plan to practically positively do for yourself each day?

We have learnt through this thread that he hasn’t achieved any of the things he wanted to physically control - hence the court order and repeated police enforcement.

He hasn’t been able to fully control your oldest son, although he terrorises him - you have been able to relieve your DS of this pain by soothing and actively creating the loving, calm, kind, fun, peaceful, respectful home for him.

The only bit left is your anxiety and that is not in his control. Have a look online at mindfulness programmes and do everything you can to flood your body with dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin and endorphins.

Expect more nonsense from him and know that you can deal with it. Who knows what it will be - no point speculating, no point worrying as this just erodes your energy and strength - best to use this time to build up your ammunition and defences - which is confidence, serenity, clarity, calmness.

This has just been heartbreaking to read Rain, I can’t even comprehend how evil your exH is. You are SO strong to have got this far and to have done what you’ve done. I have no other advice for you, but i can only say how amazed I am you are doing all this. You’ve got this, it may not be this week, month or year, but you will be free of this man one day.
Take care x

It is probably 'easier' for your son to get brought home by the police. He cannot say to his father that he wants to come home to you. He will be afraid of the reprisals. With the police involved he is the innocent party and wont be in trouble with his father.

Understandable feeling worried about baby daughter, and your nesting instinct is getting underway to ensure she is safe and happy.

Your daughter has a great mum and a great dad, who are ensuring family is safe and avoiding conflict to keep a calm environment. When necessary you are calmly reporting XH's crap to deal with it, and when necessary, you are explaining calmly to police that he has yet again made a false accusation ( that has wasted police time) in his campaign of abuse.

Hope you find some peace within your day today, and every day this week, to spoil yourself and take time out.

As a senior police officer I am pretty horrified at the response of the police. I can see how it can happen though, as speaking to a different Constable on each occasion means that the dots don't get joined.

I would submit a complaint against police for their lack of investigation into coercive control. An Inspector having an overview will be much better placed to make decisions.

You are really strong - keep fighting.

And I also agree - ring the police at 9.05 Every Single Time your ex does not hand over the DC.

@NigellaAwesome The support I've received has been pretty varied - some officers have been good, others a lot less so.

Please could you tell me how I could go about getting the issue of coercive control investigated? It would be so helpful if I knew how best to approach it.

The thing is, I am told so many times that it's now classed as a crime, but how do I realistically go about proving it?

Thank you to all of you for your advice and support. I honestly feel like a prisoner in my own home - I'm scared to do anything in case ex says I'm breaking rules (which obviously I'm not), and that's the next thing he'll attempt to use against me in this never-ending battle.

It appears that you have been doing everything right, however police have not connected the dots as XH knows very well how to cover his tracks. It is no accident that he operates in this way.

I hope you can make a complaint, to get issue of coercive control investigated, with the plea that you feel a prisoner in your own home, due to constant false police reports, due to X arriving at door yelling , due to scathing abuse of unborn child and family, terrifying manipulating and emotionally abusing children- his sons , scathing put downs about your ability as a mother , lying about family. Good luck we are crossing all fingers and toes for you this time.

It is about time the bastard was held accountable

www.policeconduct.gov.uk/complaints-and-appeals/make-complaint

OP, these may help you with the coercive control aspect of things:

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/violence-against-women-and-international-law/coercive-control-and-the-law/

www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

I am sorry if I am upsetting you by mentioning coercive control. I am pleased that NigellaAwesome has given you some good advice. You can just walk into a police station and report him for coercive control. I did it was probably not the best way to go about it but I didn’t really have a choice at the time.

It is better to call 101 or make a complaint and ask to speak to the specialist DV unit. You will probably be asked to make a video statement and to give the police the names and contact details of witnesses. These can be friends and family anyone who has witnessed his abuse of you.

They will collect evidence. Those text messages he sent you which the useless police officer who came out to your house will be evidence. The fact that he breaks court orders and refuses to use the communication book is evidence and is the child benefit thing. You don’t need to collect your own evidence but if you do it makes it easier to build a case.

Each thing on its own looks small but it gives a picture. I would tell the poloabout the incident before you left him where he tried to pu ah you down the stairs and that the abuse has been on going since then and is escalating due to your pregnancy and lock down m. They need to know how dangerous he is.

I would complain and get the support of your MP so it is investigated by a senior officer.

Even if there is not enough evidence to prosecute you can get a non molestation order and legal aid. The court will have to take this into account.

You are so strong and your son loves you. He is just afraid of his dad. He will be grateful for you calling the police because it shows you care about him. He can’t defy his dad. That’s what you need to do.